Epsilon Unit/Middle of BloodGulch
Blue team is standing on a hill, watching the reds from a distance and debating over which one to kill. As a earthquake briefly occurs.
Tex: Ok, pick one.
Church: Anyone?
Tex: Well, preferably one on that side of the canyon. But uh, I'm not all that choosy.
Tucker: Why are you looking at me when you say that?
Tex: No reason... just pick one and take the shot. I'll cover you if they attack.
Church: You mean, shoot them with this?
Church raises his sniper rifle.
Tex: What else?
Wade: Heheh, he's not really the greatest marksman here.
Tex: Give me a break. You're a soldier.
Zeta: That's still up for debate, for him.
Tex points over to a rock in the distance.
Tex: Hit the rock over there.
Church: Okay.
Church fires two shots at the rock with the sniper rifle, but misses them both completely.
Wade: Told yeah.
Tex: Ugh...
Church: Ya see, I think the uh.. the sun reflected off the rockface there and..
Zeta: (Sarcastically) Of course, it was the suns fault.
Church: Now, hold on-
Tex: Just gimme the damn rifle.
Church: Yeah okay. Thanks.
Over to Donut and Lopez (Disguised as Simmons) on a hill with some equipment at Lopez feet.
Donut: Hey Simmons, did you hear that?
Lopez: >Yes. It sounded like a rifle.<
Donut: I'm sure it's nothing.
Lopez: >Why would you say that? This is a war zone.<
Donut: Good point Simmons. Back to work!
Back over to Blue team where Tex, now has the sniper rifle in her hands.
Tucker: Dude, this has to be embarrassing for you.
Church: I don't really want to talk about it.
Tex: Alright come on, it's not that hard. Which one should we take out? The pink one, the orange one..
Caboose: Pretty sure he's yellow.
Tex: Is it me, or does he seem a little slow?
Tucker: Yeah, Caboose was held back a grade. Or two.
Zeta: He's just a slow learner.
Tucker: That's what they all say.
Tex: Anyway, I meant the orange one.
Tucker: Ohohoh, yeah he's just fat.
Tex: What about the red one? I mean, he's the leader, he seems tough. Or maybe the maroon one? He looks like he's up to something.
Wade: What about that dark red guy?
Tex: He... doesn't seem to be doing much so, we can just cross him off the list.
Tucker: I still think you should pick the fat guy.
Church: Yeah, I don't know? I can't really decide which one. Maybe we should put it to a vote.
Tex: You know what, screw it! The maroon one is closest, we'll just shoot him.
Tex shoots Lopez in the head with the sniper rifle, causing his entire body to fall apart.
Lopez: (Distance) ¡AY!
Church: Uggh. Nice shot.
Tex: Thanks.
Over to Lopez, who is now a disembodied head on the grass.
Lopez: >Shit.<
Donut stands over Lopez scattered parts, in shock.
Donut: Oh my God! Simmons! How did this happen?
Back over to the Blue team.
Tucker: Wow. That was pretty fuckin' brutal.
Wade: Kinda of wish, I got to shoot the rifle.
Caboose: Andersmith. I kept my promise. You have been avenged.
Zeta: Caboose, Andersmith never existed- (Sighs) you know what never mind.
Tex: You know what, let me shoot another one. I think you guys could use the advantage.
Church: Umm.. are ya- are you sure?
Over to Donut, who is still grieving over "Simmons".
Donut: There was so much we had left to talk about! Like our feelings and hopes, and dreams! And why most of your insides are wires! How could you just explode like this?! We could have talked, you coulda told me what was wrong! NOOOOOOOOOHOHOOO!
Back over to blue team. As they watch Donut from a distance, wailing in sadness.
Tex: Eh, maybe I'll let that one live. Might demoralize the rest of 'em.
Tucker: Good idea.
Tex: C'mon, let's pack it in.
Tucker: Does anybody else feel really, really dirty about this? And not the good kind of really, really dirty?
Wade: Yeah... I'm kinda of glad, now I didn't get to shoot.
Over to Lopez's remains as Sarge, Leo, Grif, and Donut are standing over them.
Grif: Simmons is... dead?
Leo: I'm telling you it's just Lopez.
Donut: I can't believe he's gone.
Leo: Ok, I'm I the only one with workable ears here?
Sarge: Well, you know what they say in a time like this. He may be dead, but he's never truly gone. Until we get rid of all his gross body parts. Grif, go fetch a garbage pail.
Grif: Sarge, I'm grieving here, can't making up excuses to avoid work wait till later?
Sarge: You're right Grif. I suppose someone should say a few words. Anybody? C'mon who knew him best? Donut?
Donut: Um, I think he said he liked gum once. I don't know, that's kind of all I got.
Sarge: What about you, Leo?
Leo: It's still not Simmons, but he uh... was good friend of ours, even if he was a kiss ass.
Sarge: Grif?
Grif: Me? Why me?
Donut: C'mon, Grif and Simmons. You guys were inseparable! Surely you guys must have gotten to know each other over the years.
Leo: Yeah, you we're pretty close, surely you know some stuff about him.
Grif: Well, I don't know ok. He would talk a lot and I'd lose interest immdiately. And then he would ask me a question and I would just go "Huh? What? Oh yeah, sure Simmons. Whatever you say." It wasn't a perfect system, but it was ours.
Sarge: But he always stayed by your side. Isn't there anything you remember him telling you?
Grif: Huh? Oh uh, yeah Sarge. (Mumbles) whatever...
Donut: What about you sir? Simmons always loved helping you.
Sarge: He did have a knack for following orders.
Simmons comes walking up from behind the group and stands behind Sarge.
Sarge: Sometimes I'd, make things up, just to keep him off my back. One time I told him to disassemble the jeep, and rebuild it, just to keep him busy. Heh heh heh... I'll miss doing that.
Simmons: Guys, guys, I'm free! Oh, wow, you already killed Lopez. Awesome.
Leo: There you are, Simmons!
Sarge: Can it Simmons, we're trying to give your eulogy!
Simmons: But I'm not dead, I'm- wait, you guys are talking about me? In a good way? Oh never mind, go ahead. Please, continue.
Sarge: Gentlemen, we are here to pay our last respects to Simmons. He died so suddenly, and so violently.
Simmons: Oh man, this is the best day ever.
Sarge: Simmons wore maroon armor, he was a kiss ass, he talked a lot and did some work. Also, he liked gum...The end.
Simmons: What?! That's it?! That's my funeral?!
Sarge: Not quite. Lets get that garbage pail.
Donut: I remembered the gum thing.
Simmons: I'd never imagined that my death could some how be worse than my life, but here it is. Bitchin'.
Grif: I contributed to the "Talks a lot" part.
Simmons: I don't talk a lot, I talk a regular amount. Do you really think I talk a lot?
Grif: Huh? Oh yeah, sure Simmons. Whatever.
Simmons: I hate you.
Leo: If it makes you feel better Simmons, I'm glad your back.
Simmons: Really?
Leo: (Smiles) Of course, we are friends aren't we?
Leo hears a faint sniffle from Simmons.
Leo: Are you... crying?
Simmons: WHAT NO!? I-It's just some dust in my helmet!
Donut: Oh man, I just realized! I could've made a flower arrangement for the funeral! Ah, there's just so few chances to do that around here.
Grif: Don't worry Donut, I'm sure one of us will get killed again soon.
Donut: Aw, you're just trying to make me feel better, and I love that about you.
The End
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