A/N: In Retrospect will be available for a limited amount of time.
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"Do you deserve to be here?"
The question rang in my ears as if a siren alerting me of its importance.
My eyes focused on the blue ball of light in front of me. Streaks of electricity coursed through its centre, causing hesitation on my own part.
The silence in the room was deafening, it almost swallowed me whole.
I exhaled sharply, reaching forward to grasp the foreign object in my hands. It was weightless, the energy radiated created a light surface that I wanted to handle with extreme care. I was never good at judgement, and my objective seemed like a curse more than a blessing or 'valuable opportunity'.
They said I needed to understand, and then answer.
I wasn't ready.
White light filled my vision as I crushed the ball of light in my hands. The faint glow escaped my fingers and began to spark brightly causing my field of view to become distorted. I felt lightheaded and tried to reach for the wooden podium it was one on in front of me, but missed.
Falling face forward into nothing is a strange feeling; similar to the one you get in your gut when going on a tall ride at an amusement park. Then it stopped. I fell to the ground, gasping for air, attempting to focus.
I placed my hands over my eyes to shield my view from the blinding amount of white in this room. I stood up shakily, my body felt heavy and my heart raced.
I looked up to a seemingly never-ending corridor was plastered with doors. Each one, I hazily remember being told, held a memory.
Taking a careful step forward, my eyes focused on the identical golden detailing each door displayed.
I slowly approached no door in particular, an unfamiliar design covered the door and its golden knob stood out from the white background.
I reached for its handle and slowly twisted. It swung open inwards and I stood paralysed by the light emitting from the doorway. It slowly dimmed out and distant outlines became visible.
Stepping forward slightly, I squinted my eyes to try and make out the moving figures in front of me.
I watched as a young girl came into view. In her small hands, she skilfully twirled a pointed stick. Suddenly a voice called out and the small girl turned around.
The instant realisation washed over me as I came to the conclusion, she was me. Her light brown eyes shone from the sun as she awaited an approaching figure from my right.
My younger self didn't realise the small boy from behind her and I went to instinctively call out to her but the boy alerted her of his presence when he stepped on a dry leaf, and that's when she swung.
I stepped back in horror, covering my mouth with my hands as the boy fell to the floor. The adult figure rushed to the boys' aid and my former self stood nonchalantly.
The stick was ripped from her grasp and the adult scolded me. I noted my calmness in this horrific situation, the fact that I shrugged when they asked why I was even holding this stick in the first place.
The image started to fade as the adult picked up the young bleeding boy in their hands.
I slowly backed out of the doorway, closing it tightly.
I didn't understand what this meant, was I aggressive? Violent? Is that why I am here?
I turned around, deciding to enter the door directly opposite this one.
I want to see more.
I slowly but surely approached the identical door, and impatiently opened the door.
Once again, the light shone through and I stepped slight inside the room as the figures materialised out of thin air. I noticed a teenage girl wearing a formal dress shaking in her seat.
Suddenly a wave of applause filled up the tense air and the teenage girl walked up to receive her award. As she turned to present the certificate I similarly noticed that it was me, of course.
Wearing a lapis lazuli coloured dress holding Young Citizen of the Year award proudly in my hands. I continued with a speech that everyone listened to attentively and it made an overwhelming feeling of proud and happiness feel my heart.
The image started to fade and I knew it was time to go.
I slowly backed away from myself and went towards the exit. I carefully closed the door with a slight smile on my face.
It's nice to know I tried to do something useful with my time on Earth.
I turned to my right and looked down the hallway, then I noticed something. I started advancing absentmindedly to the small glimmer of colour in the distance but it seemed as if I was making no progress, so I started to jog.
I made progress, confirming the glimmer was in fact, who would've guessed it, a door.
I eventually turned to a light sprint when I noticed I wasn't getting closer anymore.
How long was this corridor?
I ran for what felt like forever but eventually had to stop. I bent over breathing heavily, trying to calm my heartbeat.
Once I calmed down I stood up straight but was taken back by the large red door suddenly in front of me.
I blinked slowly, trying to comprehend how it was right here. I placed a cool hand on my head as wavs of distraught came over me.
Every cell in my body was trying to get me to turn back around. My head started to spin but my need to enter this specific door multiplied tenfold.
I didn't understand why I felt myself drawn to the door, more than the others.
Maybe curiosity? Who knows.
My feet moved at their own accord as I slowly reached out and place my hand softly on the door.
The detailed engravings felt rough as I dragged my hand down to its golden handle. Gripping it tightly, I breathed in deeply.
My heart raced and I started to get second thoughts. I didn't understand why I was reacting like this, it's just a door right?
I quickly twisted the handle before I convinced myself to not go through with this and swung the door right open.
Similar light shone from the doorway and I stood memorised at its energy. Closing my eyes, I tried to not let irrational fear take over.
I opened my eyes, straightened my back and somewhat confidently entered possibly the most important memory of all.
***
Three guardians waited. It hadn't been long since she entered her lost memories. Her split personalities had disturbed the stability of her own mind and the accident left it all in ruins.
Each guardian stood professionally. Their white robes hung loosely on their bodies, a golden L stitched the left-hand side of their chest.
They waited.
A loud hum erupted from the depths, it shook the room with amass intensity. They knew she was back.
They all turned around slowly, masking their reactions when they saw her state.
Blood was seen to be all over her, in her hair, on her face, over her hands, stained on her clothes. She held a single locket in her hand, its emerald stone was darked with the bloody substance.
She knows, they thought.
Her heavy breaths filled the silence in the room as she went to wipe the liquid substance from her cheeks, only evidently smudging my more.
Her hands shook.
The guardians watched as she walked slowly towards them. The terror displayed on her face was almost enough to give them her answer, but they still asked the questioned they knew she was waiting for.
"Do you deserve to be here?"
She looked up at them, the fear evident in her eyes. She exhaled shakily, and swallowed.
"I don't deserve to be here"