There’s a part of me that wants to give up. To just stay here in this empty space and let the world go on without me. My family would be okay, right? They’ve survived for this long, but who knows, they may be dead already. I’ve been assuming this whole time that my family is alive and well, when really, they could have been dead long before I was even brought into slavery.
What would happen if I just gave up? I feel like I’m dying now, I can’t see, hear, or feel anything, so this must be what death is like. Altho, because I keep contemplating it, I’m assuming I’m on the edge of life and death. I feel like I still have a choice and my fate isn’t yet decided.
But maybe this is what the afterlife is like? Maybe it’s not the one year living among the world without hunger or thirst like I thought it was. Maybe it’s just nothing.
No, there has to be something on the other side. It can’t just be an empty black void filled with nothing but my own depressing thoughts. There has to be something past this limbo. Like a city or other people, maybe it’s an open peaceful field with wildflowers and birds chirping, maybe even my Lun-
“Deserae?”
Deserae? Someone’s calling my name? I know the voice but I can’t place it, perhaps it’s because all of my senses are clouded.
“Deserae?” the voice is louder than before. It’s almost like the person is yelling at me instead of asking me my name. Why would they be asking me my name? I obviously know who I am.
“Deserae!” they yelled again. And again, and again, and again. I can feel a bit of shaking whenever the person’s yelling at me. It must be because I’m on the verge of life and death and they’re trying to pull me back to the living.
But do I want to go with them or could I just stay here forever? For once in my life I’m not thirsty, and there isn’t a burning sensation in the pit of my gut anymore. The headache that always pleagues me is gone and I’m finally able to think clearly.
Now that I can think for myself, I should debate going back to Luna and submitting to her all over again. I don’t want to be her toy anymore. I want to be able to do things for myself and have my own opinions. I want to be able and leave the castle whenever I get bored of staying in there and I want to be independent of her sometimes.
I don’t hate her though. Even though I think I should. There’s a part of me that knows her anger towards me is coming from something and I don’t want to fight back without knowing her struggles too. I know Vampire’s attacked her and that she hates them for it, but I feel like there’s something else too.
Maybe I should hate her. And maybe leaving her the second I get the chance is the right thing to do. But I can’t help but want to delay the inevitable and get to know what I can do to help her. She needs to understand that not all Vampire’s are ruthless and cruel, and that we can be considerate of other creatures too.
When the person yelled my name again, I followed it. Imagining that I was floating in the direction of the sound and that I could nearly touch it. The louder it got I knew the closer I was, so I continued to follow the sounds deeper in the black space until I felt like the person was right next to me.
I feel warmth again, the sensation of it is all over my body. I can almost see what’s going on around me but the image is still blurry, but thankfully I can see something now. I can also hear the person talking and… crying? It sounds like there’s heavy breathing and sobbing beside me.
Who would be crying for me? No one in this castle likes me, not even the kitchen staff that offer to smuggle me food when Luna is away. I always refuse for fear of being caught, but I don’t even think they would cry for me if I was dying.
Why would they be around me anyways? Was I in the kitchen last or was I somewhere else? Something’s telling me that I wasn’t in the kitchen. I want to say I was with Luna for some reason. Is she the one calling for me? No, because she would never cry for me even if I was dying.
She’s the one that did this to me.
“Deserea! Answer me! Are you alright? Can you hear me? Say something, do something. Anything!” She sounds panicked and stressed. She’s never sounded that way around me unless she was ranting about something. Generally it was about Marlene or her father not paying attention to her, I generally zoned out when she talks about things like that.
Regardless, I went closer to the voice until all of my senses came back. My vision it still blurry but I can make out that I’m somewhere dark and there’s someone above me. I’m looking at them and them back at me, but there’s something wrong with how they’re looking at me.
The person used their hand to brush a piece of hair out of my face and I leaned into their hand to feel their warmth. I hadn’t noticed before, but I’m so cold. Whatever my back is against is freezing and is taking whatever heat my body has left. But the person holding me is thankfully giving me a little from their grasp around me.
“Deserae? Please say something, tell me you’re alright. Tell me what’s wrong and I can help you! Just answer me please!” The woman begged. Before, when I was so far away from the voice I couldn’t tell who was calling my name. But now I swear it’s Luna.
“Luna?” I asked, just to be sure it’s her. In this state I don’t think she’d beat me for calling her name, hopefully she’ll let it slide just this one time.
She quickly pulled me to her chest and tucked my head into the crook of her neck. I smelled her sweet scent of vanilla and rose, the one that always lingers on her clothing and bed sheets. I’ve only gotten this close to her a couple of times before, but never before has she smelled this sweet. She’s always just smelled like venom and spite.
I can smell her blood too. It smells like her body but sweeter and makes my mouth water. It’s everything in my power not to bite her right now and quench the burning in my throat, but I don’t want to hurt her and make her mad at me again.
But the burning, it hurts so bad. She’s tempted me to letting me bite her before, but she would never actually let me drink her blood. She would always just cut herself a little and bring her wound close enough to my mouth for me to almost taste the liquid, then she’d pull away quickly and laugh at me for being such a ‘thirsty slut’.
I wrapped my arms around her torso and held onto her tightly. She smells so good, and I know that she would taste even better. All I want is to sink my teeth into her skin and fill my senses for the first time in ages. But if I do that she’ll never forgive me. She’ll finally beat me to death like she always threatens to do.
“Luna.” I whispered to her. I need to warn her that I can’t control myself around her. I need to tell her that I’m too hungry to be this close to her. If she doesn’t want me to bite her then she needs to get away from me. Far away where I can’t hurt her. “Luna, please.”
She let go of the back of my head and looked down at me with a tear stained face. “What? What is it Deserae, tell me.”
I removed my hands from around her waist and pushed her way as best I couldn't. I’m much weaker than her in this state but she released me so that I wasn’t tucked into her chest. “Let go.” I said.
She narrowed her eyes and me and looked confused, “What?”
“Don’t touch me. Don’t get too close to me.” I warned. She looked at me horrified and I shuttered at her sudden lack of attention when she let go of me. She dropped my like my skin was venomous to her and moved away.
I managed to sit up and back up to the wall that’s behind me. As soon as my back hit the wall I screamed from the shooting pain going through my back. She looked even more scared than before but didn’t move to touch me again. I leaned forward so I wasn’t against the wall anymore and was hunched over instead.
I wrapped my arms around myself and looked up at Luna, “I’m sorry. I don’t want to bite you.”
Her face fell from being scared to being pitying. “Rae, I’m not going to hurt you for biting me.” she said.
No matter the promise I’m still not going to trust her completely. She told me before that she wouldn’t hurt me for being honest with her and then she whipped me for it. I took a shaky breath and lowered my head, submitting to her when all of the memories of what she did flooded back to me.
How she drug me across the floor by my hair and growled at me whenever I hurt her or fought back. Then how she held me up by my throat and choked me as she locked my wrists into place. The restraints were so tight that I could barely move my fingers without feeling like my artery was going to get cut. But even when I cried and begged she still never let me go. Then she sounded all sweet and compassionate when she was asking me if I knew why I was being punished, it’s like the action itself didn’t matter at all to her and all that mattered was if I knew everything being done to me was my fault.
Maybe she really doesn’t care about me, because, when she started whipping me, she must have realized my bodies not prepared for something like that. I’m too weak to be hit, let alone whipped. But I knew deep down that she wasn’t going to stop and there was no reason for me to try and beg her. She doesn’t care, she never has.
“Rae,” she said kindly. I ignored her and kept my head down, hoping silently that she’d just leave me alone to be in pain all by myself. “Please talk to me. I didn’t realize how badly I was hurting you, I’m so sorry. Talk to me and we can fix this, I can help you…”
Her voice faded off when I looked up at her. “You can’t fix this.” I said. “I’m a Vampire, I’m always going to be a Vampire, and no matter how much you tell me you hate me or how many days you starve me that’s not going to change. I’m never going to change.”
“Rae-”
“Just leave me alone.” I urged, “I’m trying to be a good pet for you. Or a punching bag or a party favor or whatever you want me to be. I’ll do what you tell me to do just don’t toy with me anymore.”
She looked down ashamed but I didn’t do anything about it. She needs to know that I can’t be what she wants. I’ll never be anything more than a cowardly, hungry, scared Vampire who wants to attack the person who’s tortured me.
I need to face who I am and stop pretending to be the person that I’m not. I’m a hunter, a killer, and no Wolf is ever going to change that.
She stood slowly and stood tall, a new aura of dominance surrounding her. “I’ll leave you here if that’s what you wish. I’ll be with the LunaGolybaya’s in the parlor and, if you need me for absolutely anything, get me. Okay?”
When she finished I nodded on que and watched her walk away. As she was going across the stone floor she tugged at certain pieces of her outfit and ran her fingers through her hair to make sure that nothing was out of place and she looked like her usual threatening self. I have half a mind to tell the castle that she was concerned for me and how she cried to beautifully for me, but I think I’ll wait a while.
After she started climbing the stairs I shifted to be laying down on the freezing cold floor. I hope I just die. I hope I don’t wake up and she never comes back for me...