“I am so sorry. I have no idea how this happened. Sorry.” I can feel the heat creeping into my cheeks while I desperately try to find at least some form of cash in any of my pockets. I am not even able to pay for my own coffee. How embarrassing is that?
“Oh, don't worry. I know you. You are one of our regulars. Just pay me tomorrow. It's not a big deal.” The lady behind the counter is smiling at me and I am giving her a wai while promising that I will be back first thing tomorrow morning with the money for my coffee.
I don't know why this is happening so often at the moment. If my head was not screwed on I am sure I would forget it as well. But let's face it. Today was a disaster from start to finish. Right from the moment I woke up everything was a mess. I couldn't find any underwear to wear as everything I own is apparently in the laundry basket. Going commando under your jeans might sound sexy, but it isn't when you are working a physical job and you have to move the whole day.
Then I couldn't find any breakfast in the fridge as I again forgot to go shopping yesterday. And from there on everything else just followed. Got late into work, had to go to my manager and apologise AGAIN and somehow the annoying intern managed to get my phone number and now I am getting hourly updates about her life, that I am really not interested in.
I am opening the door to our apartm... stop! My apartment and I can't hear any noises at all. There is just silence and not for the first time today I have to take a deep breath. It's not like I am tearing up or anything. It's just... Well, things are different these days.
Korn moved out. He offered himself. After everything he did he thought it was just fair that I could stay and he would go. I agreed with him at the time as I really didn't want to move. But these days I am not so sure anymore.
It's funny. Even though all his things are gone, it's like I can almost see his shadows. There is no second toothbrush in the bathroom anymore, but I can still feel his presents. Our bedsheets don't smell like him anymore, his after shave, his shampoo, him... But I can almost feel his presence when I am lying in bed late at night trying desperately to fall asleep. I just can't...
I am okay. I really am. The break up was hard. I won't lie. But I just couldn't continue like this. Him cheating on me after all the years of being the overly jealous one, always accusing me of having an affair and not being faithful. I just couldn't take it anymore. The trust was gone between us and I am not sure if there is a way how this trust could ever be repaired. So separating was the only logical solution.
It's been two months now. Two months of healing and trying to get on. And I am okay, like I said. I am not crying myself to sleep anymore. I am going out, meeting friends and trying having a good time. I see Korn very rarely. Sometimes when I am meeting up with Cho or Fai he might be hanging out with Yiwah. But there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, I “gave up” Yiwah, if you can call it that, but I am not ending my friendships with all of our joined friends. He was in the wrong, not me. So I am not going anywhere.
I fall unto the couch and switch on the telly. It's not like I am really watching anything. But the silence in the flat is deafening. I just can't stand it. I have lived with Korn for almost three years. I am not used to all this silence. Normally he would be pottering in the kitchen right now, making us dinner while I would be lounging on the couch, ogling my good looking boyfriend and looking forward to the desert. But now...
I am unpacking the sandwich I got at the supermarket and take a big bite. It's just not satisfying eating alone. So why bother at all? Food is more a way of surviving at the moment, not really a joyous experience that I share with...
It's strange. Somehow him being absent is making him more present in my life. It's like everywhere I look I see something that should be there, something that reminds me of him... Him, him, it's always him...
But I am okay. I can deal with all of this crap. I am sure it's just a matter of time before things begin to feel normal again. We have been together for so long...
I look at my phone to check the time and again there are no new messages. It seems like there are never any new messages anymore. I forgot what a big part he played in my life...
But it doesn't matter anymore. We are through. There is nothing left to say, nothing left to do. This relationship is over and I don't feel anything anymore. I am almost afraid that I won't feel anything ever again, but at least the gut wrenching pain is gone as well. The pain I felt the second I heard about Korn cheating with Pete. At least that pain is gone as well.
As I said, I am absolutely fine. I don't spent the whole day in bed anymore. I don't cry. I am not jealous of anybody. I am just....
I have no clue what I am...
I sigh and decide to stop dwelling. I open my Facebook account and scroll through my friends feeds. Korn's is not there anymore. I unfriended him. Just doing that was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It just made everything so absolute. It was just another stepping stone of removing him from my life. I know it's just one little click, but it took so much to actually do it.
But it's not like I am interested in what he is up to anyway. There might be sometimes pictures that our friends post with him together, but I am not looking at them... Like not looking at them longer then you would with any other picture your friends post. It's not like that. I am fine. I am over everything. Like honestly, I am...
I stumble across a post of France and Dewey and my mind is going back to the car wash where I kissed France thinking I was actually kissing Korn. It makes me smile. I was so drunk on that day, drunk and hurt and that's never a good combination. So I made a fool out of myself. I am so good in making a fool out of myself. It's almost an art form for me. Let's face it. But on that day I was just so desperate. I wanted my partner back, I just didn't want to be alone anymore. I wanted my Korn back....
I rub my hands over my eyes as I can feel some tears trying to escape my eyes. I am not having any of that anymore. I am done crying. I am so done. I am over this relationship. I am so over it.
I dial Cho's phone number and before I know it he is already answering.
“Cho?”
“What's up, bro?” He sounds cheerful as always but I can still hear the underlining worry in his voice.
“Aehm, I am bored. Can I come over?” Without even skipping a beat Cho invites me to his for dinner and I sigh in relief.
“Great, I will be there in a bit.” I hang up and get going. It's not that I really need the company or anything. I am fine, like honestly. But it's just boring being by myself in this tomb of my former relationship... I mean, my flat...
Cho doesn't live too far away so it just takes me ten minutes to walk over to his place. I am eternally grateful that Korn is currently staying with his sister and not Yiwah as she lives in the same building as Cho. Chances of running into him are practically 0, not that I care whatsoever. I am over everything... I am fine...
Cho already got some food for us and we are settling right in front of the Playstation with some beer and the food. I know that he is worried about me, they all are. But there is really no reason...
We are so busy with playing Fifa that I don't even hear the door open. Just Yiwah's voice chatting happily away is getting through to me. I can't stop a smile forming on my lips. Yiwah is still the same. She just shares the adventures of her workday with whoever came into the flat with her...
And suddenly the hair on my neck stands up and I get goosebumps all over my skin. I don't have to look, I know who is standing next to Yiwah in the doorway. I know the surprised face, I know his cologne and I know that his heart is beating just this little bit faster as he realises that I am sitting just four meters away from him: Korn.
I know because my heart is racing like I just ran a marathon.
Yiwah stops midrant as she sees me on the couch and an awkward silence falls over the flat.
“Knock, I didn't know that you are here. What a lovely surprise.” She tries to just ignore the awkwardness and comes over to me to give me a hug, before she moves over to Cho. Korn is still standing unsure in the doorway. I don't have to look at him to know that he is contemplating his options: Staying or leaving...
“Korn, don't be silly. Come in and sit down.” Yiwah is saying in his direction and I can feel his eyes on me.
“It's fine, Korn. I don't mind.” I just say shortly and I really mean it. We are over and I am okay with that. I am fine. It's been two months and we are running in the same circle of friends. We are bound to run into each other.
Korn is coming over to the couch and for a second it seems like he is unsure where to sit. Yiwah already sits next to Cho and the only space left is right next to me. Without me or Yiwah having to say anything he sits down and I can almost feel the heat radiating from his body.
I still haven't looked him in the eyes, but I can see him playing nervously with his fingers. I am making a point restarting the game and Cho and me are trying again to fight for the title of best Fifa player, but somehow I am distracted. Yiwah is trying to have a conversation with her best friend next to her, but it looks like he is not fairing much better. Not that I really listen to their conversation or pay any attention to these two. Like honestly.. I am here to see Cho...
I am trying really hard to concentrate on the game but Cho is beating me time and time again. My focus just shifts. I can't do anything about it. It just shifts and with every tiny movement of his my concentration is going further away. I can smell his cologne, he is so near to me. I hear his voice when he answers Yiwah and I can feel goosebumps running down my back.
And suddenly, out of the blue, everything is back again. The way that my heart would beat when he said my name. The way his skin felt under my fingertips. The way he kissed me...
It's like a supernova exploding inside my chest and all these feelings are rushing back. All the love, all the hopes for our future, all the memories... It is overwhelming and I am not sure if I can still breath. I know that no one can actually see the storm that is brewing inside of me, as I am doing my damnest not to show it. But I am getting swept away. Swept away by all these emotions and I have no idea how to handle this.
I am stopping the game and apologise myself to the bathroom. I am putting some cold water on my face, but it doesn't help my racing heart at all. I can feel the tears stinging again behind my eyes and I am not sure if I can stop myself from falling apart right here and now.
I still love him. I still love him so much and I miss him. I miss him like crazy and it feels like part of myself is missing. I am not fine, I am so far away from fine as you could humanly possible imagine. I am a wreck and everytime I see him, it just gets worse. I know I should be strong, I know I should just stay away from him, but in a weird and perverted way I love these short meetings. Yes, they bring me so much pain, but it almost seems like I am living for them. At least I feel something then.
At least I am not the shallow husk I am otherwise all the time...
I need him like the air I breath and I know that I am so weak. He did the worst thing possible to me, I should hate him. I really should hate him. We are not good together. This is the second time that we broke up and moved apart in two years. That's so not healthy. Lets face it.
But why can't my stupid heart not listen to reason? Why is my heart betraying me like this?
I sniff and try to keep the tears at bay. I am not going to cry. I am not letting him know how he still affects me. I am refusing to give in. I am more of a man then this. I am not that desperate....
But I know I am just lying to myself. I am that desperate. I want him back, I want him back in my life, in my bed, everywhere. I am not the same without him. I love him...
I suddenly straighten up and press the toilet flush to at least give the illusion of having a proper reason for being in the bathroom in the first place.
Knock, you are fine. You are okay. You don't need him. The mantra is running through my head while I am making my way back to the living room. The mask of the chilled and happy Knock is back in place. I won't let them see behind it. I am better then that. I am stronger.
I sit down back on the couch and want to take back the controller, but Korn has continued the game in my absence for me, I notice.
“Here, you can have it back.” His voice is so soft and low, when he passes the controller back to me. I try to grab it as quickly as I can, but somehow I manage to grab his hand instead. My eyes flicker up and all I can see are his eyes. His black eyes that look at me with so much love and hurt...
Damn it, I am so fucked... This is everything, but not over...