15. THE GREAT WALL OF ARIANNA.
NAKIPAGHIWALAY na si TJ kay Margarette at iniwan na nito ang pamilya nito. At maging si Arianna, nakipaghiwalay na rin kay Tim Angelo.
Matagal na tinitigan ni Arianna ang sarili niya sa malaking salamin at malalim na nagbuntong hininga.
Wearing a white gown that she designed herself, her hair in a gorgeous updo, she still couldn't believe that this day had finally come.
Inhale. Exhale. She needed to calm herself or she'd lose it.
Bumukas ang pinto at pumasok ang daddy, mommy, at kambal niya.
She smiled at them and they warmly smiled in return.
"Are you going to be happy now, anak?" tanong ng daddy niya sa kanya.
With tears in her eyes, Arianna nodded.
"We hope you are, anak," her mom told her.
"We truly hope you are, A," Brianna squeezed her hand and smiled at her.
All she could do was nod and smile at them in response. This was what she wanted. This was always what she wanted.
"Is it gonna start soon?" she asked them.
"Yeah, we'll see you outside," said Brianna and then together with their parents, the three left her and exited the room.
Any minute now, the wedding will start.
Her wedding.
With TJ.
With the love of his life.
She sat down as she tried to calm herself down. She was going to hyperventilate any minute.
It felt like a dream. Was this even real?
Ilang minuto ang lumipas at hinintay niya lang na palabasin na siya para makapag-umpisa na.
Minutes, and minutes, and minutes....
Sa wakas, bumukas na ang pinto. Tumayo siya at nakangiting sinalubong si Brianna.
"Is it time?" she asked her twin.
Pero hindi ginantihan ni Brianna ang ngiti niya at sa halip, dahan-dahang umiling si Brianna.
"A, I don't think TJ is coming."
"What?"
"Wala pa rin siya hanggang ngayon."
"Okay? He's late for a couple of minutes, surely we can wait?"
She had waited for forever for this, she wouldn't mind for another couple of minutes.
"A, we've been waiting for almost two hours. He's not coming."
Two hours? They had been waiting for two hours?
"Umalis na lahat ang mga guest niyo, ang family at ang barkada na lang natin ang nasa labas."
What? The guests had already left?
Hindi siya makapagsalita. Nasaan si TJ?
"A...."
Imbis na magsalita, naglakad siya at lumabas ng kwarto at nagtuloy-tuloy sa Function Room. Nandoon ang barkada nila at ang pamilya niya na nakikisimpatya ang mga matang nakatingin lang sa kanya.
"Where's TJ?"
Pero walang sumagot sa kanya. Lahat, nag-iwas lang ng tingin sa kanya.
Nagsimula nang mag-unahan ang mga luha niya. Nanlalambot ang mga tuhod niya.
Why did TJ keep on leaving her? She gave up everything for him. She gave up Angelo. She gave up a perfect life just to be with him, now where was he?
"A..." Hinawakan ni Brianna ang kamay niya at niyakap siya.
Napahagulgol na lang siya sa kambal niya.
"Am I not allowed to be happy? All I wanted is to be happy, B. I just want to be happy."
Didn't she deserve to be happy?
Lalong humigpit ang yakap niya kay Brianna, kasi kung hindi, feeling niya hindi na kakayanin ng katawan niya ang panghihina.
"I gave up Angelo for him. I chose him. I gave up Angelo for him," humahagulgol na sabi niya kay Brianna. Kahit ilang beses niyang sabihin 'yon, alam niyang huli na dahil habang buhay na pagsisisihan at pagsisisihan niya na lang ang desisyon niyang 'yon.
"Angelo had never left me. He had never hurt me. Not once. And I gave him up."
Why did she gave him up?
"I know. I'm sorry," Brianna said sympathetically.
"No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been selfish. I'm sorry I make the wrong decisions. I'm sorry I gave up on someone who had never and would never give up on me—"
"No," Brianna said and pulled away from her. Pero biglang nag-iba ang boses ni Brianna, at sa nanlalabong mga mata, hindi na si Brianna ang nasa harap niya. Si Angelo na. "I'm the one who's sorry. I'm sorry I wasn't enough. I'm sorry that when you told me you wanted to be happy, it wasn't with me. I'm sorry that by you being happy meant I have to let you go, I did. I'm sorry, Arianna. I'm sorry I loved you that much."
Arianna began crying so hard that she had to hold on to Angelo just so she wouldn't fall down.
"No. God, no. Angelo, no. Please, no. Don't leave me. Please, don't leave me. Please..."
— — —
ARIANNA slowly felt the wetness in her eyes and what felt like a hand touching her face.
Pagmulat niya ng mga mata niya, ilaw na nanggagaling sa TV ang sumalubong sa kanya at nasa couch pa rin siya.
Oh, God. Had she been crying in her sleep again? At anong oras na ba? Si Angelo ba, nakauwi na?
When she sensed a movement at her back, she immediately looked behind and saw Angelo's back and he was already walking up the stairs.
"Ge..." natatarantang tumayo siya at pinahid ang mga luha niya.
Pero napahinto siya. 'Yung naramdaman niyang may humaplos sa mukha niya kanina. Had that been real?
Did Angelo do that?
She turned off the TV and followed Angelo up their room.
But again, Angelo was quick on avoiding her. Nasa shower na agad 'to nang makapasok siya sa kwarto.
Nanlulumong naupo na lang siya sa dulo ng kama nila at tumingin sa orasan.
Pasado alas dose na naman ng gabi.
Hindi na naman karaniwang uwi ni Angelo 'to.
Apat na araw na siyang hindi kinikibo ni Angelo. He'd been giving her the cold shoulder.
Apat na araw na rin simula ng malaman niya kay Brianna na alam na ni Angelo ang pagtataksil nila ni TJ. Apat na araw na ring hindi niya kinakausap si TJ. Natatakot kasi siya. Hindi niya alam ang gagawin.
Her mom was mad at her. Si Brianna rin. Her dad wanted to talk her, but she chose to stay silent and asked them all to give her space.
Si Angelo lang talaga ang pinaka-inaalala niya ngayon.
Angelo wouldn't talk to her, he wouldn't even look at her direction.
Hindi niya alam kung paano kakausapin si Angelo. Ni hindi niya nga alam kung ano ang gusto niyang sabihin.
Sinabi ni Brianna sa kanya na sinabihan 'to ni Angelo na 'wag sasabihin kahit kanino na alam na ni Angelo ang relasyon nila ni TJ. Kaya hindi niya alam kung paano kakausapin si Angelo.
Ni hindi niya nga alam kung alam ba ni Angelo na alam na niyang alam na nito.
Paglabas ni Angelo sa shower, hindi pa rin siya nito pinansin at nagbihis lang nang parang hindi siya nakikita.
"Ge, I cooked dinner. I'd reheat it if you want and maybe we could eat toge—"
She couldn't even finish her sentence. Angelo lay on his side of the bed, slid under the sheets, his back to her, effectively dismissing her.
Napapikit na lang siya sa pagpipigil na maiyak at matagal na tinitigan ang nakatalikod na si
Angelo. Hinihintay kung lilingunin man lang ba siya nito, kahit saglit lang. Kahit isang beses lang.
Pero wala.
Hindi siya sanay na hindi siya pinapansin ni Angelo. Hindi siya sanay na tuwing umaga, paggising niya, paalis na si Angelo at walang paalam na aalis na lang bigla. Hindi siya sanay na walang matatanggap na text at tawag kay Angelo sa maghapong nagdadaan. Hindi siya sanay na umuuwi ng late si Angelo. Hindi siya sanay na pag-uwi ni Angelo, tatalikuran lang siya at babalewalain na.
Naaapektuhan siya nang sobra. She'd been trying to get Angelo's attention and she'd been rejecting TJ's for the past few days.
She didn't know what to do. Ang alam niya lang, hindi niya kayang ganito ang pakikitungo ni Angelo sa kanya.
Pinaalam niya kay TJ na alam na ni Angelo ang relasyon nila. Sinabi niya na magpalamig muna sila at magpalipas muna at gusto niyang ayusin ang relasyon nila ni Angelo kahit hindi niya alam kung paano.
Ni hindi niya nirereplyan si TJ.
Sa totoo lang, minsan, gusto niya na lang mawala. Hindi niya na kasi alam kung pa'no niya maitatama ang lahat.
Pa'no niya nga ba itatama ang lahat kung siya mismo ang mali?
— — —
THE next night, it was still the same.
She sat on the couch and listened to TJ's voice messages as she waited for Angelo to come home.
[Hey. Call me when you get this.]
My God, his voice.
Napapikit na lang siya ng mariin. She missed TJ's voice so much.
[Bakit 'di mo sinasagot ang mga tawag ko?]
[Busy ka ba? Kailangan nating pag usapan 'to. Tawagan mo 'ko pag natanggap mo 'to.]
[Helen? Ba't hindi ka sumasagot? May problema ba? Alam kong meron pero... mag usap tayo...] there was a long pause and then, [I miss you.]
Her heart was breaking even more by the mention of her name.
She listened to the next messages.
[Sagutin mo naman, oh. Nag-aalala 'ko.]
And then the next.
[Yanna, for fuck's sake, nag aalala 'ko, sagutin mo naman mga tawag ko.]
[Tangina, Helen, 'wag mong gawin sa'kin 'to.]
[F-ck, 'wag mo naman akong tiisin, please.]
Mariing napapikit ulit siya nang marinig ang pagmamakaawa sa boses ni TJ.
But she made the decision of torturing herself by listening to the rest of TJ's voice messages.
[Talk to me, damn it.]
[Is this it? Are you leaving me?]
Could she? Should she?
['Wag mo 'kong iwan please, tangina, hindi ko kaya, pag-usapan natin 'to. Helen, please...]
[Are you kidding me? Are you f-cking kidding me?!]
Rinig na rinig ang galit sa boses ni TJ.
[Don't make me go to your house, Arianna. Don't make me go batshit crazy. Just...] TJ stalled and then began again, trying to control his rage. [Call me back, baby... Please.]
Would he really? Kaya kaya ni TJ na puntahan talaga siya? Kapag ba tinigilan niya si TJ, titigilan din ba siya ni TJ?
Hanggang saan nga ba ang limitasyon at hangganan ng kahibangan nilang 'to?
She clicked and listened to the last two messages from TJ.
[Helen...]
[I miss you...] Mahabang katahimikan lang ang sumunod at akala niya wala nang kasunod 'yon pero nagsalita ulit si TJ. [Helen... Tangina, mababaliw na 'ko, miss na miss na kita.]
Dear Lord, why was this so hard?
Paano niya ba maitatama ang lahat?
Nahihirapan siya. Ayaw niyang mawala si Angelo sa kanya pero hindi niya alam kung kaya niya bang itigil ang sa kanila ni TJ.
Hindi niya pa kaya.
She was being very selfish, but God, please, she didn't have a clue on what to do.
Losing one of them seemed very hard for her.
But with everything that was happening, she was close to losing them both.
— — —
NAKATULOG na naman si Arianna sa couch sa paghihintay sa pag-uwi ni Angelo. At kagaya ng mga nakalipas na gabi, umiyak na naman siya sa panaginip niya.
Minsan maaalala niya kung ano ang panaginip niya, minsan hindi. Pero walang palya ang pag-iyak niya.
Kagaya ngayon, paggising niya, may luha na naman sa mga mata niya pero hindi niya maalala kung ano ang panaginip niya.
Tumingin siya sa orasan at pasado alas dose na naman pero wala pa rin si Angelo.
Nag-prepare pa rin siya ng dinner para sa kanila kahit alam niyang hindi naman nito gagalawin 'yon.
She decided to go up their room and just wait for Angelo there since kabisado naman na niya ang routine ni Angelo.
Pero nang ibuka niya ang pinto, nagulat siya nang makitang nandoon na pala si Angelo, nakaupo sa dulo ng kama, nakatalikod sa kanya, nakapatong ang parehong siko sa mga tuhod, at sapo ng dalawang kamay ang ulo.
Para siyang itinulos na kandila sa kinatatayuan niya. At parang ilang libong patalim ang tumarak sa puso niya sa nakita niya.
Angelo was crying.
Her husband was crying.
And she'd never seen him cry.
Hindi niya pa nakitang nagpakita ng kahinaan sa harap niya si Angelo kahit kailan.
Malakas si Angelo. Ito ang naging pader niya. Ito lagi ang sandalan niya, ang naging lakas niya. Pero siya mismo ang unti-unting gumigiba sa pader na sinandalan niya.
Ilang segundo ang pinalipas niya at dahan-dahang isinirang muli ang pinto.
What she saw broke her heart into a million pieces.
Angelo had always been her wall. She'd fall down without him. Pero nakalimutan niya na ang pader na 'to, nasasaktan. Nagigiba.
What was she doing?
She was destroying the person who did everything to fix her.
Why?
— — —
HINDI alam ni Arianna kung gaano katagal siyang hindi kikibuin ni Angelo. Nang sumunod na umaga kasi, hindi pa rin siya pinansin nito. At kagaya ng mga nakaraang gabi, naghihintay na naman siya sa pag-uwi nito.
Una niya na namang naramdaman ang luha sa mga mata niya at ang kamay na humahaplos sa mukha niya bago niya idinilat ang mga mata niya.
Different from the other nights that she'd awoken and be blinded by the light coming from the TV, it was her husband's angelic face she'd opened her eyes to now. It was really his touch she'd woken up to.
When and how Angelo carried her from the couch to their bed, she had no clue.
But she remembered her dream. She remembered that she had been crying. She remembered that she had been begging for Angelo not to leave her.
Tinitigan niya ang mukha ng asawa niya at kitang-kita niya nang malungkot na nginitian siya nito.
Pinapahid ni Angelo ang mga luha sa mukha niya nang magsalita 'to. "As I was carrying you to bed, I already convinced myself that this may be the last time that I'm gonna be able to hold you in my arms. I was ready to break my promise to you. I was ready to let you go, Arianna. I have decided to let you go."
Imbis na tumigil sa pagpatak ang mga luha niya, nag-unahan pa ang mga 'to dahil sa sinabi ni Angelo.
Handa na si Angelo na pakawalan siya?
Was this it? Was this the end of their marriage? Was this the end for them?
Siya ba, handa na?
No. No. God, no.
Sa panaginip nga hindi niya kaya, sa totoong buhay pa kaya?
Sa panaginip nga pinagsisisihan niya, sa totoong buhay pa kaya?
"Do you want me to let you go, Arianna?" Angelo asked her.
Sunod-sunod na iling lang ang naisagot niya sa tanong nito dahil hindi niya kayang magsalita.
Ang kaya niya lang sa mga sandali na 'yon, umiyak.
"Shh, stop crying. I always hate it when you cry."
But it seemed that he was letting her go and she already felt like dying.
This man was her wall for so many years. He was her four walls. Her home.
"I have talked to Brianna, to Angela, to my mom, to Mama Geli and Papa Riel. Humingi na 'ko ng tawad sa kanila kasi pakakawalan na kita. Humingi na 'ko ng tawad kasi sumusuko na 'ko. Sumusuko na 'ko, Arianna, kasi ayoko nang mahirapan ka."
No. No. No.
She could feel herself trembling in fear. Gusto niyang hawakan nang mahigpit si Angelo pero parang kakapusin na siya ng hininga.
Hindi niya kayang mawala si Angelo. Hindi niya kaya.
"But then you said my name."
Hindi niya alam kung ano ang isasagot niya. Tuloy-tuloy lang ang pag-alpas ng mga luha niya.
"Whenever you'd cry in your sleep and beg someone in your dream not to let you go, I'd always thought it was TJ. Last night, I've had enough. Last night, nag-decide ako na hindi ko na kayang nakikita kang umiiyak. Last night... Last night, Arianna, I was fighting a war with myself. And you won."
With tears in her eyes, she looked at her husband in confusion.
"You would always win. If I have to choose between anyone. Even my sister, my mom, even myself. Arianna, I'd always choose you. You'd always win."
Bakit? Bakit ganito si Angelo? Bakit sobra 'to kung unahin siya? Bakit sobra sobra 'to kung mahalin siya?
'Yung nakita niyang posisyon ni Angelo kagabi. 'Yung pag-iyak nito nang akala nito na hindi niya nakita...
He was actually fighting a losing battle of not letting her go with himself.
He didn't want to let her go, but he would if she wanted to. He had already accepted defeat.
"Ge..."
"Hearing you call my name? Begging me not to leave you? Knowing that you need me? Arianna, hindi ka pa humihingi ng tawad, napatawad na agad kita."
D'yos ko...
Halos hindi na siya makahinga sa sobrang pag-iyak.
A big wave of guilt swallowed her whole.
Oo nga. Ni hindi man lang siya humihingi pa ng tawad. Gusto niya lang na pansinin siya ni Angelo pero ni hindi man lang siya humihingi pa ng tawad.
She didn't deserve him, did she?
"I'm sorry, Ge. I'm sorry."
"No, I'm sorry."
Mariing umiling si Arianna. Angelo had nothing to be sorry about.
"I'm sorry because I intend to keep my promise to you, Arianna. I'm sorry because I don't think I can ever let you go. Not even if you beg me."
Nodding frantically with tears almost blinding her sight, she looked at her husband's eyes as she touched his face, scared to death that this was just another dream.
"Then, please, don't."
***
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Author's Note:
I'm baaaaaaaaack!!!
I'm really, really sorry for leaving you guys behind. I won't reason out. I'm just sorry, truly sorry. Pero I'm back. Kahit ayaw niyo na, block niyo na lang ako kasi I'm gonna be here for a very long time.
I am so baaaaaack. In fact, nasa SM Megamall ako this coming February 17 for PSICOM's event: Love at First Write. 10AM-8PM 'yun, guys. My other book entitled "HIS HIRED BABY MAKER" will be released at the event na. At kung hindi niyo alam ang koneksyon ng HHBM sa BME Series, hay nako, suntok ko kayo. Matagal akong nawala, pero kung nabasa niyo 'yon, huli niyo na 'ko. Hehehe.
Aaaaaand if you're coming, I will let you ask me ONE, only one question about BME3. At dapat answerable lang siya ng YES or NO. Only one, ha. Kahit ano pa 'yan except "Kung sino ang end game" at "Ano ang ending." Pero kahit ano pa 'yan, kahit "Magkakaanak ba si ganito kay ganyan," "Makakapatay ba si ganito ganyan," "Mamatay ba si ganito ganyan," "Sira-ulo ka ba author ganito ganyan."
You can also ask about my other books! Kahit sa ONE NIGHT AFFAIR or OPERATION: STEALING THE BAD BOY. Syempre, except kung sino ang end game at ano ang ending.
So, pa'no?
'Yung mga walang ka-Valentine's dyan, pwede bang ako na lang? :( I know I don't deserve you guys, my God, I know. But that will be the first ever book signing event na dadaluhan ko at pag nilangaw kasi ako don baka matrauma ako't di na umulit. Hahaha, alam niyo namang mahina loob ko kaya nga hindi niyo alam kung ano talaga pangalan ko at sino ako. :(
Sa 17, guys! Kung sino man makakapunta, ingat po at pa-hug ako!
And again, I hope it isn't too late to be back,
Z