"And all my days were young and wasted
When I was waiting, oh for you
And all the plans that I've been chasing are always fading
But ever since I found you
A little light is breaking through"
***
Harry and I had laid in bed when he finally managed to roll over next to me, for a good hour, both of us just tangled together in a exhausted puddle trying to recover.
I knew that once everything with him reached that boiling point I was feeling, it'd explode - but I didn't expect it to be like what just happened.
I thought, that night I spent with him all those years ago was intense and reality changing, but compared to what just happened between us, it is barely comparable.
That night was just mostly physical, even though I felt a connection with him, I was so different back then, and I didn't know him at all, there wasn't this intense emotion behind it that magnified everything ten fold.
It's like even my emotions had an orgasm.
I honestly think if it could, my vagina would high five me for finally giving in to him, and giving it the experience I just did.
Being with Harry, or having him in my life in general is what I would imagine skydiving for the first time would feel like, it's terrifying, when you're standing on the edge ready to jump.
And then when you're falling, praying that your parachute will open and dropping a hundred miles an hour so fast you can barely think.
But then, the parachute opens and you're floating, gliding down with so much adrenaline it's euphoric, you feel free, it's the most incredible experience of your life.
By the time you land on the ground, the apprehension and fear is gone, you just feel high on life, and you don't care about the risks anymore, you just want to jump again.
I know that being around him has changed me, but I can't help but feel like its for the better. He brings out the side of me I wished for my whole life, but never thought I had in me.
I feel strong around him, I feel confident and I can't help but wonder if all this time, that's what his behaviour around me was trying to bring out of me, when I was so shy and crippled around him, his constant teasing and prodding was to drag out the attitude in me.
One of the things that makes my heart so full around him, is while he wants to bring all of that out of me, he still wants me to keep my good nature, my kindness, he doesn't want me to be like him, he just wants me to be myself.
He's one of the first people in my life to treat me that way, aside from Sophie, that didn't tell me what I should be, instead asked who I wanted be.
I don't think I can ever go back to being told who I am, I'm far too in love with the idea of being who I want.
I know he has his issues, and I still have yet to really sit down and wrap my head around them, but he has a good heart, it's just injured. I've noticed it in him since I met him, and I know he just can't see it himself.
But I really want to help him see that in himself, I want him to see the reasons I love him.
I have faith in him, I believe in him, even if he doesn't have it for himself.
Harry managed to coax me out of bed, taking me into the shower to clean up, as he calls it.
It seemed counter productive when I ended up pinned against the shower wall, his hands working their voodoo again until my legs nearly gave up, for him to then only have me flipped around with my cheek pressed against the tiles, with his filthy words and wondering hands, while he fucked into me until his own legs nearly gave out from underneath him when he came.
He joked afterwoulds that we will probably end up just living in the shower, because he doubts he will ever stay clean around me.
The feeling is mutual Harry, trust me.
By the time we got out of the shower, dried ourselves, and I put on Harry's T-shirt, which he demanded was the only thing I put on, underwear wasn't aloud, which I found hypocritical, he got to put on his briefs - we just managed to fall back into bed curled up with each other.
I wish things could just stay like this forever, I feel closer to him than I ever have and I can't imagine what I'd do if I lost him.
My head is pillowed on Harrys firm chest with his arm wrapped around me and our legs tangled, listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat, the slow rise and fall of his chest acting like some kind of peaceful lullaby.
Harry turns his head, checking the time and letting out a drawn out sigh "It's 8pm, I'm gonna have to leave in like 45 minutes"
I hold my breath, feeling my stomach drop, I know he's opened up to me, but I've watched him snap back closed that many times the dread it's causing in me is nauseating.
I don't say anything, and Harrys arm tightens around me as he burys his nose against my hair letting out a childish whine "I don't wanna go, wanna stay here"
A small smile fights it's way on my lips, while my anxiety still throbs in my chest.
"Stay then" I offer quietly, dreading his answer.
He groans, sighing again "I can't, wish I could"
I just stay silent, my insides wrenching while there's a long pause between us.
Harry clears his throat, pressing his lips to the top of my head and speaking against my hair "Have to go to the club tonight"
I know it doesn't seem like much, but the fact he just offered to tell me where he was going feels like he just gave me a million dollars.
"Okay" I murmur, not knowing what else to say.
His free hand take mine, threading his fingers with it as he rests it on his stomach "Wanted to ask you something"
"Hm? What's that?" I reply softly.
He pauses, like he's apprehensive and then speaks.
"Wanted to see if you'd come there tonight, if you wanted to, spend the night with me - you know, if you don't already have plans"
I may seem totally composed, but that's because I think my brain just overloaded and my heart flew out of my chest at the same time.
It's weird hearing Harry ask me something, months ago he would have just demanded I go.
I bite down on my lip, feeling my butterflies zing around in my stomach "I'll come if you want me to"
"I always want you coming love, I'm obsessed" he muses, and I can hear the smug smile in his voice.
I sigh, shaking my head as I grin to myself "You just can't help yourself can you?"
"When it comes to you? Never" he quips.
I roll back onto my side, resting my head on his shoulder so I can look at him, and even though I've seen him hundreds of times, he stills gobsmacks me with how beautiful I think he is.
He tilts his head to search his eyes over my face, smiling to himself.
"So you're gonna come tonight?" he asks.
I raise my brows at him, with a deadpan expression "If you have anything to do with it, then apparently I will be"
Harry bursts out a laugh, looking at me with his eyes lit up "Someone's getting cheeky"
"I wonder who's fault that is" I shoot back accusingly.
He grins smugly, looking proud as punch with himself.
He leans his face down, leaving a savouring kiss against my lips, but when he pulls back he has a worried look in his eyes.
"M'nervous, bout you coming to the club tonight" he admits, and I look at him confused.
Why would he be nervous? I've been there before.
"Why?"
He rolls his lips into his mouth, chewing on them as he creases his brows "Nervous about you seeing the people I'm around, nervous about them being around you. That's why I always took you into the bathroom"
My brows shoot up, looking at him surprised "So that's why I was always being dragged into that damn toilet stall?"
He nods, shrugging his shoulders "Didn't want anyone asking me who you were, or why I was so interested in you, wanted to keep you away from it, even the first night I met you."
I blink at him, still a bit stunned "Even the night you met me?"
He smiles to himself, like he's reminiscing "Yeah, had me fascinated the minute I watched you hide behind Sophie. You looked so timid and innocent, absolutely stunning and had no clue you were" he laughs to himself, looking at me amused "I was trying so damn hard to flirt with you, and it was like trying to seduce someone that had verbal diarrhea."
I scowl at him immaturely, pouting "I was bloody nervous Harry, you intimidated the hell out of me, I'd never had anyone act that way towards me before"
He smirks, looking pleased with himself again "Right back at you little mouse, never met anyone else like you"
I look down shyly, pursing my lips to hide my smile.
"You should bring Sophie too" he suggests and I look back at him shocked again.
"You want me to bring Sophie?"
He nods "Yeah if you want, that way if I'm not with you she will be"
I squint at him "Did you forget about her trying to kick the crap out of you this afternoon?"
Harry smiles fondly "Nah, I definitely haven't, but I like her"
My face drops into a flat expression as I stare at him "Well, she's not your biggest fan"
"I know" he agrees "that's why I like her"
I scrunch my face up in confusion "That makes absolutely no sense"
He looks at me thoughtfully, shrugging again "She's protective of you, I like anyone that wants to kick someone's ass for hurting you. I think she's really good for you, she's a good friend"
I just stare at him, processing what he's saying.
I can't even put into words how much what he's just said means to me.
"Okay, I'll bring her" I decide with a nod, but giving him a warning look "Just keep in mind you're on her shit list, and that's not a good place to be. She's stubborn"
He gives me an understanding nod, looking amused "Guess I'll just have to work my way off it then, and that's fine, if you haven't noticed, I'm stubborn too"
I sigh, rolling my eyes "Tonight should be interesting then"
He gives me a serious look, looking between my eyes "Promise me that if you're not with me, you'll stay with Sophie, don't go off by yourself"
I crease my brows "I will, I promise, why are you so worried about that?"
"I just don't trust people, not when it comes to you. I like to know that you're safe" he says seriously, and I give him a small smile.
"Will I meet your friends tonight?"
Harry sighs, resting his head back to look at the ceiling "Unfortunately, they're idiots, just pre-warning you"
"I'm sure I'll love them, idiots are my kind of people, I'm practically their leader" I joke, and he looks to me smirking.
"So, Jimmy is the one with all the face tattoos? The bartender from the night you took me out?" I check, making sure I have their names matching the person.
"Yeah, and Steve is the big bald one that looks like all he does is live at the gym"
I nod in understanding, creasing my brows thoughtfully as I process the information. But then something enters my mind, triggering a memory from the night he talk me out when I mentioned Jimmy.
"Harry can I ask you something?" I question, for once just sounding curious and not afraid.
"Go for it" he agrees, and I'm beside myself with how relaxed and content he looks.
"The night...you took me to that bar" I start slowly "That man that came up to us, the one that said he had stuff for you, that you ordered in his car... I could never figure out what it could be, but uhm, was it - was it drugs? Was he a drug dealer?"
I look at him anxiously, not knowing if I should have asked that or not.
I always wondered about that night, and what exactly that whole interaction was about but just always assumed I'd never know, but know I'm beside myself with how curious I am.
Harrys brows quirk, like that was the last thing he expected me to ask, considering everything he's told me today, but he just laughs under his breath and for some odd reason suddenly looks embarrassed.
"No Abby, he wasn't a drug dealer" he looks down at our hands knitted together and wets his lips "He's an entomologist"
I pull my head back, scrunching my nose up "A who what now?"
Harry glances at me before looking away again, seeming to get more embarrassed "He works with insects, met him through the guy at the aquarium. He hung out at a lot of the same places I did, enjoys his drugs, can't say its that surprising, someone who's obsessed with and revolves their life around studying bugs has to have a few screws loose somewhere"
I frown "So...you ordered insects?"
He needs to help me out here, let me buy a vowel or something because I'm fucking lost.
Harry chews on his lip, furrowing his brows "I kind have a hobby, and I was ordering stuff through him for it"
Please don't say spiders.
Please don't say spiders.
I love you but if you collect spiders we can't see each other anymore.
"A hobby...?" I ask slowly.
Please don't tell me he disects insects.
He nods, still not looking at me "I like to preserve and collect uhm...." he pauses, and murmurs the last part like he's embarrassed of me hearing it "...butterflies"
I stay still, treating him as you would an animal you aren't trying to startle, but internally I'm yelling what the fuck.
"Butterflies?" I watch over the expression on his face, and he looks so sheepish about it I almost want to squeeze his cheeks "So...he had butterflies.....in his car?"
I never thought I'd live in a reality, where butterflies were more shocking than crack to me.
Harry nods, toying with our fingers anxiously "Yeah, he can get some really rare ones through his work, so I would order them through him, ones that I didn't have yet"
I'm sorry.
I need a moment.
Big, scary, dangerous 'I ruin people's lives' man over here, collects butterflies like Pokemon?
Harry clears his throat, looking unbearably uncomfortable, made worse by my silence "It's stupid, it's just something I've been interested in since I was a kid, it's dumb"
I lift myself up on my elbow and tilt my head down to catch his eyes, giving him a scolding look "Don't ever call something you enjoy doing stupid okay? It's not stupid. I'm just a little surprised, I didn't expect it that's all. I think that's a really interesting hobby to have"
Harry looks between my eyes, and for some reason there's a deep sadness there now which is only adding to my confusion.
"Why butterflies?" I ask genuinely, trying to show him that I'm interested, and not making fun of it.
Harry shrugs, letting out a deep breath "Just always fascinated me, found them beautiful. They're so fragile, delicate...gentle" he pauses, searching his eyes around my face before his lips quirk "Actually they remind me of you now that I think about it"
My cheeks flare as I smile at him, scrunching my nose "You're cute, I never thought I'd say that about you"
He gives me a fake serious glare, but his lips are fighting a smile.
"I'm not cute" he mutters indignantly.
I give him a sarcastic expression, mocking his accent as I talk "Whatever you say sweetheart"
He squints at me "I think I liked it better when you were shy, smart ass"
I pout at him "Should've thought about that before you kept saying you didn't want me to be nervous around you"
He raises his brows at me, dropping his voice suggestively "Watch it Abby, that mouth of yours could get you in trouble, and I've got plenty of ways I can think of to shut it"
I clamp my mouth shut, looking at him sheepishly.
He gives me a smug smirk at my reaction, leaning forward to peck a kiss to my lips.
"So you'll meet at the club around 11 tonight? Give you and Sophie time to get ready and all that, whatever girls do"
I wish with everything I had at this second, I could just smother this man in affection, lock him up in my heart and never let him leave.
God help me I love him so damn much.
"Alright" I agree, pecking his lips which causes the dimple in his cheek to pop "I'll be there"
***
"Staring at the clouds, looking for a silver lining
I was caught in a cocoon but now you got me feeling butterflies
Dreaming in the lows, I never thought I'd see this high"
***
Looks like Harry is staying open.