Joshua
Stepping out of that library, leaving Sundo behind and facing the unknown... It takes more courage than I ever thought possible. Anything could be out here... The moment is a held breath, the creak of the door, the glare of light as it swings open.
Outside, the sun is shining brightly, blindingly so, and even under the shade of the brick awning behind the pillars, I have to squint against the light.
At first, I don't see anyone out waiting for us.
Relief floods through me. I don't know what I would have done if Perkins or the cops were out here anyway. Run? Back into the library or down the street? Knowing myself, whichever I ended up doing would probably have been the wrong choice anyway.
I don't want to make any hasty decisions though, so before I allow myself to relax, I step out past the pillars, searching my surroundings again just to be sure. I don't want to go and tell Sundo the coast is clear only to come back and find I missed something glaringly obvious.
I guess it's the right thing to do, because that's when I spot her.
In all fairness though, I think she spotted me first.
There Maggie stands, phone in hand, brought to a jarring hault across the pavilion and staring right at me. Despite everything and despite the time that's passed, she looks no different than she would on any other day. Except for maybe the distracted, messy way she's pulled her hair out of her face in a ponytail that's utterly unremarkable, and unlike her. She looks ruffled, to say the least, and the shock upon seeing me... that's definitely new.
"Joshua?" She asks, gaping at me.
I freeze, caught in place by her look. What should I do? Approach her? Run? What would Sundo suggest, if he were here?
Seeing her brings on a wave of painful nostalgia. I miss her so much, I want to talk to her. I'm glad to see her. But I'm also terrified to find out what she thinks of everything I've done since we last spoke.
The longer we stand here, the more I think I might find out. Trepidation flip-flops in my stomach as a hurricane of emotions tumbles over my friend's features: first shock, then disbelief, then rushing relief, and then something else. Something grim, and definitely not good.
Maggie crosses the space between us with stalking strides, and I feel suddenly very tiny as she glares up at me. I have a split second to recognise the emotion she settles on before she's rounding on me. It's anger.
She cracks her hand across my face, hard. I stumble, gasping.
"Ow!" I cry, reeling. "What?! What the hell was that for, Maggie!?"
My hands fly to my cheek, and I stare at her through the tears pricking in my eyes. It stings like hell, and it's already radiating heat.
"For everything you've put us through! Especially Ethan! God, Joshua, you're such a shallow asshole! Do you think of anyone but yourself?" Maggie cries right back, waving her hand again in front of her and making me flinch away.
"I do!" I protest, offended. "I have been! What the hell, Maggie, I—"
"No, shut up, Joshua! You don't get to talk! You lost the right to talk when you threw the entire town into a panic with your goddamn sci-fi romantic shitshow. Yeah, Ethan told me everything! Where's your alien? What are you doing here, I thought you two would be long gone by now."
"He's—" I begin, but then I stop before the word is even halfway out of my mouth. I gaze at Maggie with building bewilderment. "Wait, did you say... Ethan?"
"Yes, you moron!" She snaps, her patience wearing thinner than it already is. She clenches her fists, and I get the feeling a slap is the least of what she wants to inflict. "Listen! God, if I'd known you were going to be such an—"
"No, no, Ethan." I press, ignoring the threat of her fury in my excitement. "He's okay. He's okay."
Relief and joy rush through me, and I take her shoulders, beaming at her. Maggie seems to be shaken by my reaction, and for a moment, a bit of her anger bleeds out of her.
"Well, yeah, he's okay. You didn't know that?" She stares at me again, but this time it's with something more like wonder... and pity.
"Of course I didn't know! I've been camped out in an abandoned house for days! I've been worried sick about him, and about you! All of you! How's he doing? How's Ying doing? Are you guys okay? I need to tell her I know who sent that text!"
The more I speak, the more my words tumble out of me and I shake her in my enthusiasm. God, it's been so long! I've missed her! If they anything had happened to them while I was hiding, I don't know what I'd do... I'd have never forgiven myself!
Maggie's eyes are wide, and she looks frazzled and overwhelmed.
"Okay, okay!" She exclaims, her hands flying to mine. She prys my fingers off, only to hold my hands together in front of her, giving them a tight squeeze.
"We're— We're fine! You know who sent that text? Wait, no, I'm getting ahead of myself. You need to go talk to Ethan. You think you've been worrying about him? Josh, he actually almost cried in front of me today! Ethan! He's worried out of his mind!"
She squeezes my hands again and laughs, but it's thick and is missing a key spot of humor. Blinking her eyes, she looks away from me, and I realise with a start that her eyes have grown wet.
Ethan's worrying about me. It's like a second slap to the face. Or a punch to the gut, more like, because it steals the breath from me.
"He is?" I ask uselessly, breathlessly. "Oh god, Maggie, I... I never should have... Where is he? He's actually okay right?"
"Physically? Yeah, he's probably gonna be up and att'em again in no time. But other than that..." Maggie pulls one of her hands back to wipe at her eyes, trying to hide how shaken she is. "He's still at the hospital, and he's lonely, I think. He misses you... We all miss you, Joshua. If you're still here in Junction, why have you been gone for so long? Can you even come back? It all has to do with that alien, doesn't it? Oh, why would I ask, what a stupid question... Of course it does..."
She laughs again, but this time it's more thick and choked, as though it's caught in her throat. She looks downwards, suddenly embarrassed, and sniffles as discreetly as she can.
"Maggie... I..." My throat doesn't seem to want to let the words past, but painfully, I try. "It's... It's so complicated, and I... I want to, but... I just don't know... I..."
"It's okay." She says, sniffling again. Taking my hands again, she looks up at me, her make-up beginning to blur around the corners of her eyes. "I don't really understand, but I understand. If that even makes sense. Ha, I don't, do I?" She smiles, but it's watery. It makes my heart ache.
"Joshua... I just mean, you're my friend, and I love you, and I want the best for you. I'm worried for you, we're all worried for you, and we want you back, but if this is something you have to do, you know your situation best, and... I'd say I'd trust your judgment, but I don't know..."
I try to be offended, but I can't find it in me, and her smile begins to seep onto my face just a little bit.
"I just know, well, I want the best for you, and I trust you to find it... Even if I'm terrified of the path you're taking. I just want you to be safe, okay? I know you care for this thing, but it... he... put Ethan in the hospital. And that's not very conducive of a safe partner."
I grimace, breaking eye contact guiltily.
"I know..." I murmur eventually, pulling my hands from hers. I shove them into my pants pockets and stare at my shoes as I rock on my heels, feeling self-conscious and exposed. Like somehow, I've accidentally walked myself into an intervention.
I love her, but hearing her share her reservations about the relationship I'm just beginning tears my heart out.
"There's so much I need to tell you," I say finally, meeting her gaze again. "He's more than what you saw that day, and I'm still so, so sorry for what happened. I want to make it up to you all and to show you how much better he is than that. He is safe. He's grown so much, and I have too, and we just... need each other."
As much as I mean this, the last admission comes out tentatively, as though baring it for Maggie to see is leaving me just... vulnerable.
Maggie regards me contemplatively, before sighing.
"I think this is something you need to tell Ethan." She says finally. "I know he's uber curious about your relationship with the alien anyway... He'd love to hear, and I'd love to listen with him. Because don't get me wrong, I very much want to know more about what's going on here, and I want to hear it from you, buddy."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." She smiles, just a bit. "I can't believe you have a fetish for alien ass, though. Damn, J-man, I didn't think you had it in you."
She playfully punches my shoulder, and I sputter flusteredly.
"Wh-what? It's not like that! God, fuck, what did he tell you?" I groan and step back, dragging a hand through my hair. My mind is reeling, and I try to figure out how much Ethan understands, which would be what Maggie knows, all while leaving room for typical Ethan-atrical exaggerations.
"Everything," Maggie confirms with a grin, and it confirms jack squat. She could know anything from the truth to fabricated steamy romance.
"Fuck... Maggs, I was going to tell you about it!"
"About the alien ass part?"
"No! About the liking boys part! I... Fuck, I was going to tell you. I wanted to tell you. Did he not tell you that?"
Maggie pauses, and looks as though this has reminded her of something. Her jovial manner dissipates as she levels me a serious look.
"Yeah, he did. Which reminds me: I'm mad at you. Don't you look at me like that, I'm still mad at you. You successfully distracted me for a little while, but you're not escaping the full brunt of my lecture. I've had three days to think about this, so you better buckle up and listen, buckaroo, because I still have more to tell you."
She crosses her arms, and all my hope deflates.
"Okay..." I say slowly, reluctantly.
And it begins.
"Yeah, he mentioned you were going to tell me on your own time, which I respect. Look, first things first: Joshua, I'm not mad that you're into dudes. I didn't see it coming, and I would have bet more money on Ethan over you, but I can't say I'm disappointed now that I know."
I blink, raising my eyebrows in surprise. A bit of my hope attempts to creep back—maybe this lecture won't actually tear me a whole new one—but Maggie must see it on my face, because she holds up a finger, freezing my hope in its tracks.
"What I am pissed at you about is the alien part. Not only did you not tell me—for which I'm lowkey personally offended, by the way. You met a whole-ass alien an didn't tell me!? You went on a date with an alien and didn't tell me?! The hell man?"
Shame burns the back of my neck, and I look to my shoes, avoiding her pointed look. Something about this vent feels heavily rehearsed, and as much as I hate to hear it, I know I've had it coming to me.
"What's worse than not telling me," Maggie continues, and I want to die, "is how you handled the situation. You dragged the entire fucking town into your fiasco, and then you disappeared without a trace. What were we supposed to think, Joshua? We thought you might have died!"
"I..." My throat is closing up on me, and I gesture helplessly. "I didn't mean for any of this to happen this way, Maggs..."
"Yeah? Well, it happened anyway, you idiot. Look, I'm sorry for slapping you, but you had it coming."
"I know..." I grumble, rubbing at my cheek. It still smarts.
I risk sparing her a glance, and she seems to have exhausted her rant material for now. Her hands are on her hips, and she exhales as if she's just released something heavy that's been weighing on her. Her shoulders slump.
"Sorry again for everything..." I mumble pathetically, feeling like I should say something.
"You don't have to keep apologising. I appreciate it, but it's okay. Who you should really apologise to is Ethan. Actually, you really should. Come on, let's go."
"What?"
I startle as she takes my arm and begins to march down the road with purpose. She turns back to me and scowls, as though I'm missing something important.
"You're coming with me, right here, right now." She explains adamantly. "We're going to talk to Ethan, and we're going to sort out this entire mess. Come on."
She tugs on my arm again, and for a moment, I'm stunned, and I let her pull me along. Then I dig in my heels and stop us, before we can move any farther.
"Wait— No. As much as I want to... and I mean really want to... I..." I hesitate, looking back to the library.
I can't leave Sundo. Even for something as important as this.
I search for the right way to explain this to an obstinate Maggs, but as I do, I find something else I wasn't looking for. All my thoughts are derailed as I spot Sundo, in the flesh, outside of the library, peering out from behind one of the pillars. His perceptive eyes are latched fiercely onto Maggie, and he doesn't look happy.
A world of emotions pass through me. Frustration. Alarm. Confusion.
What is he doing out here? I told him to stay put! What are we going to do if Maggie sees...
But it's too late, for she's already followed my gaze towards the library entrance, and she's paused, noticing the stranger who's snatched up my attention so thoroughly.
Sundo meets her look with a frown, and before I can decide whether I want to tell him to stay there or tell Maggie to stay where she is, he's stalking over.
I have a moment to recall his small jealous streak before he's on us, pouncing on the two of us like a bird of prey with way too many teeth.
"Let go." He growls, a deep sound that reverberates through his chest.
He grabs Maggie's arm, and she squeaks as he prys her off of me. I'm paralyzed between them, my heart freezing up at the sound of that growl, at the sight of those fangs. Sundo is baring his teeth at my friend, and Maggie shrinks under his grip on his wrist, her face blanching.
"You think you can just come in here and take him away, turn him in, don't you?" Sundo says lowly, leaning in close to a petrified Maggie. "Well, you can't, and if you try..."
"I wasn't—!"
"You were taking him away! You were shouting at him! Friends don't do that!" He accuses angrily, his grip on her wrist tightening till she winces.
His voice rumbles in my chest and my head, and my heart freezes up, catches in my throat. I can feel familiar terror seizing me, and I swallow against the metallic tang of it. I can no longer decipher all of Sundo's words, just the growl behind them. Sinking, falling, trying to breathe...
"Sundo!" I crack through the spiraling cycle with one gasping exclamation.
Sundo stops, his hard gaze landing on me. For a moment, confusion flickers in those eyes.
"Sundo— Stop. Leave her alone!" I take a difficult step closer to him, taking his hand and prying it off of Maggie's wrist. As soon as she's free, Maggie stumbles backward, holding her hand close to her chest and refusing to take her eyes off of Sundo for even a second.
She comes to stand behind me, and I grimace.
"You're scaring her, Sundo. You're scaring me. She wasn't doing anything wrong! Yes, she was shouting, but I deserved it, she was trying to help me!"
My heart is thudding in heavy in my chest, and it's still hard to breathe.
Confusion and frustration war for dominance over his features. I wish he'd stop looking at me like that... Like defending Maggie is somehow a betrayal.
"But... Joshua... She was trying to take you away!"
He tries stepping closer, reaching out to brush where she'd grabbed me. At his movement, Maggie's hands grasp my other arm, pulling me back a step, away from him. Noticing this, Sundo's gaze hardens again. He glowers at Maggie just behind me, his lip curling in a snarl that makes even me freeze up inside.
"She was going to separate us! I won't just stand here and let her come in here and ruin everything we've worked for!"
He's ferociously passionate, his eyes flashing and his voice raising, and Maggie shrinks behind me. It stirs a whole host of emotions within me, and for once, the greatest isn't fear.
"So you attack her?" I shoot back, frustration and adrenaline bubbling over, surprising even myself, but I hold on to it, use it. "I promise you, Sundo, she wasn't! She was taking me to see Ethan, who was hurt because of our buffoonery. Will you attack her too? Please, go ahead! But you go through me."
I jab my thumb into my chest, meeting his fierceness with a scowl of my own.
Sundo's snarl disappears. He stares at me, stunned. If it's my words or my ire that surprises him, I don't know, but I've caught him off-guard, and the look on his face draws a bit of the frustration out of me.
I speak softer now, taking a small step closer, even as Maggie tightens her grip. "Look... Sunshine... I don't want to hurt you, but this cycle of violence needs to stop. You said you wanted to stop hurting people!"
Sundo frowns, searching my face with his conflicted eyes.
"I do... I... Cycle of..." He speaks slowly, softly, perplexed and disquiet.
The cycle of violence that we constantly seem to be stuck in. He hurts me, and I hurt him. It just goes on and on... When will we just break out of it? As Sundo searches my expression, I'm able to see the moment when he grasps what I mean. A rushing sadness washes over him, and he takes in a shuddery breath.
Biting his lip, he nods.
"I know it may have looked bad but I promise you she's not going to turn us in or separate us." Tugging at Maggie's grip, I pull her up beside me, despite her resistance. I give her arm a squeeze to convey my point to her, and she seems to get it. I think.
She stares at Sundo doubtfully, trembling just barely as she tries to pretend she's not shaken. She resists my nudge towards Sundo, and Sundo eyes her distrustfully. I'm trying to show them the other isn't a threat, but I don't know how good of a job I'm doing. Under different circumstances, it might be funny how wary they are of each other, considering they're both fairly warm, harmless people. Now it's just heartbreaking.
"See?" I say to both of them, feeling weary and drained. "You have to trust me."
My gaze settles Sundo as I finish, and the familiar words have his demeanor deflating guiltily.
"I trust you..." He murmurs.
"Thank you," I reply earnestly, and he gives me a small, hopeful smile.
Maggie's gaze ping-pongs between the two of us, her thoughts seeming to build until she can no longer contain them. She bursts and exclaims, "This is your alien? Joshua, he's a menace! A brute!"
She gestures angrily at him, and the angry red bruise Sundo left on her arm flashes across my vision. Annoyance ticks across Sundo's face, and his smile is overtaken by a frown.
"Maggie, right?" He asks. "I'd say it's nice to meet you, but I really don't think it is."
Maggie frowns right back, placing a hand on her hip as she cocks it to the side. "Likewise."
"Guys," I complain. "Please. I want you to get along..."
"And I want my best friend back. Really, what the fresh hell is going on with you? Wait, no, don't explain, I don't need you to. That was a rhetorical question." Maggie shoots me a narrow-eyed look that makes my spirits sink just a little more.
"Maggie..." I sigh. Gesturing to my alien, I say, "His name is Seth. He's... You two are both important to me, and I really don't want you to fight... okay? Come on, guys."
I look to them, pleading, and they both deflate, looking away from each other. A tense silence sizzles and pops among the three of us as I stare at them pointedly, and they pointedly avoid my gaze, and the gaze of each other.
Finally, Maggie says, "Seth... That's not what you called him earlier."
She eyes me questioningly, one eyebrow arched, and I feel a bit called out. Embarrassment creeps up my neck, raising my shoulders, and I try to deflect her curious accusation, whatever she's accusing me of.
"That's... complicated. A long story I'll have to tell you... some other time."
"Yeup, some other time." Sundo agrees, slipping an arm over my shoulders and pulling me close. He's smiling as though he's won something. Probably me, now that I think about it.
What have I gotten myself into... What fresh curse is it that my friends never get along with my sort-of boyfriend? Is that too much to ask? No?
"On a similar note," Sundo continues, "not that I mean to be rude, Maggie, but we're still in a bit of a hurry." He takes a step back from my affronted friend, pulling me with him. To me, he says, "We need to go."
Before he can pull me another step farther, I stop, and step out of his grasp.
"Hold on a second. We were going to see Ethan. I still want to see him, Sundo, I did mean that."
I frown up at Sundo, who furrows his brows.
"Joshua..." He says frustratingly slowly. "Were you not just there the last time we ran into someone we know? It hardly ended well!"
"I know!" I huff, angry that he's making a good point. Angry at myself for wanting to risk our safety for the sake of seeing my friend.
I just... I need to see him! There's so much I need to say, need to explain. Maggie was right, I do need to talk to him, and if something happens to Sundo and me somehow, I don't want to leave things with him the way they were! Full of unanswered questions and broken trust...
"Sundo... I have to see him." I say more softly now, strained and maybe a little desperate. I grasp his sleeve and his expression contorts.
"Joshua, now isn't the time..."
"Hey, boys..?" Maggie inserts tentatively, looking behind her.
"I understand you want to see him, he is a good friend, but we can always figure out something else later." Sundo tells me earnestly, not taking his eyes off of me.
"Guys!" Maggie exclaims, grabbing my shoulder and fiercely yanking back my attention. "Stop. Look!"
Turning, scowl in place, I look for whatever it is that could have her so flustered, but when I see it, everything in me comes to a screeching halt.
Police cars. Two of them.
Their sirens aren't on, but their sleek blue and white sides are as loud as they need to be. They're coming down the road towards us, turning into the parking lot, and there's no doubt they must know we're here, if they haven't already seen us.
I curse passionately under my breath.
"We need to go." I say, grabbing Sundo's arm.
"That's what I've been saying!" He says, exasperated.
"I can't believe I'm doing this..." Maggie mutters, eyeing the police cars as they roll to a stop, mere feet from us.
"What?" I ask, wasting precious seconds as I pause and look back at her. She's not moving.
For some reason, I expected her to come with us.
"You two go. I can try to distract them, or delay them, or something... What are you waiting for? Go!" She pushes me hard, just as Sundo yanks on my arm, and I stumble forwards, tripping over my feet.
My heart is already racing long before my feet are, and as Sundo pulls me away from the library, I can't help but look back at Maggie. She's walking casually towards the two cars as the doors open, allowing Hernandez and some other cops I don't recognise to step out.
The refuge behind the corner of the library is mere steps away, but I don't think we'll make it before Hernandez spots us. At least, I think that. But Maggie is engaging him in conversation, capturing his attention, the moment Sundo and I dart around the building.
Gratitude and guilt and fear all swell in my chest until my already burning breaths become harder, and I hate the feeling of leaving her behind. It feels like this is a goodbye, somehow.
What an awful way to say goodbye.