M E A N I N G F U L
M I S T A K E S
Chapter Thirty Six
Although the hospital was a terrifying place soaked with heavy memories, high school is a different kind of nightmare.
"I think this place is worse than the ward ever was." I'm still sitting in the safety of William's car, yet I feel as if I'm being trampled in the halls already.
"You've got us with you, nothing is going to happen because we won't let it." Hunter tells me, leaning forward from the backseat so he's between William and I. Since we all live in the same building, it was easier to carpool- especially on my first day back.
"Don't tell me that. Tell that to my anxiety." After Willian, Chuck, and Hunter coming clean about the chaos that had been running wild in Lacewood, I wasn't keen on going anywhere. Deep down, I am frightened, but I can't let it eat the confidence I'm still building.
The two boys get of the car, so I copy their actions despite my gut that begs for me to stay in the car. If I could, I would steal the keys and drive myself out of here like a mad women.
"You'll be fine." Hunter reassures me as he adjusts his backpack. William nods in agreement and he looks back at the two of us. He was waiting for me to follow, but I'm stuck in my spot.
Hunter takes my hand in his to firmly weave his fingers through mine. He finally forces my feet take their first steps towards the brick building. I have to cave in, knowing I can't get out of it no matter how fast I would be willing to run.
"I really don't like this." I mutter while we get closer to the front doors. The ache in my stomach grows more painful and unsteady. My grip on Hunter's hand tightens more when some students in my year turn their heads to stare at me.
I feel sick.
Awfully sick.
I can tell some are judging me as if I am a poorly raised child, and some others seemed interested that none of the crazy stories are true.
"The Lacewood rumour mill hasn't been the kindest with you gone. People started making up their own tales about why you had left. It's been so boring here that it became the only source of entertainment for them."
Hunter explains this to me, and I wasn't surprised since he said something about it when I was in hospital.
The three of us walk through the main doors and back into the crowded hall where a sea of students are swarmed. My eyes roam over the students that had been engaged in a conversations- some stop to angle their heads towards where I am walking.
There's whispers that start, but I hear them. "You owe me fifty dollars, told you she'd walk out of there alive again." I swallow anxiously and pretend like I hadn't heard it.
"Woah, she really does look the same as she did last time." I tell myself that these people have nothing better to do. They don't mean it. If they were in my shoes, it would be a different story.
"Bianca told me they let here out of the hospital because they were tired of dealing with her. I'm not surprised." It's meaningless. They're just untrue words.
"I thought I heard Mia say they broke up?" That one hurt. It was one thing speaking about me, but another to drag Hunter into it.
"Wasn't she hit by a car? I heard she died." This is the only comment that nearly makes me laugh.
"It would of been easier if she just stayed in the hospital so we don't have to see her and her insecurities. She's a bad influence to all the other girls." Ouch.
My teeth grit together as the comments rain. If I heard these whisperings, the two boys on either side of me definitely did too.
"Ignore them Lols, they mean nothing." William tells me and places his hand on my shoulder, squeezing gently.
Suddenly, down the hall a commotion starts. "What the hell man?!" Ian is pushing a students towards the lockers with a displeased look on his face. The scrawny kid hit the metal and appears to be terrified.
"Say anything about her again, and it won't be me that scolds you. You can deal with William or Hunter. Your choice." Ian spits the words out like venom to the unfamiliar boy who is trembling.
The kid scrambles away from him and disappears, a few of his friends following. I assume it's just another stupid comment made by him from my arrival. If I had known simply being here would be a problem, I would've stayed at home.
The entire basketball and cheerleading team is trailing behind Ian with her Lacewood coloured jackets on their backs, and the cheerleaders with their training shirts on.
It is the equivalent of wearing a crown in a palace. Here, wearing those uniforms, they had been given the privilege of being deemed the top ranked. It is simply a stereotype, but it works.
A smile instantly tugs on my face when the two teams join us. I don't care about the awful things people would say about me only because I have my best friends and the two sport teams at my side. All that is missing is Chuck Vanderwal.
Jake is here, standing beside the boys. I grin at him, and he returns it. I am happy to see him looking incredibly good after he hit his own rock bottom before finding help. He and I are alike in a lot of ways.
"We're glad you're back." Ian says to me and I nod thankfully. Becky steps forward and throws her arms around me so quickly that it almost throws me off balance.
I hug her back tightly before she steps away to give me space. Looking at her, I realise that she and Harper would've become just as close as we did.
"What happened with him?" William asks Ian and glances over to where he had shoved the kid. He is long gone by now, but some people in the area snicker and whisper about how frightened he was.
Ian shrugs and responds. "He was just a douche and couldn't keep his mouth shut." The answer is short and simple, so I know it was about me.
I tell myself that the comments didn't matter, but it still stings. Knowing that Ian felt the need to step in was awful. Lacewood has always been like this. I definitely did not miss it.
It's an improvement for me. Before, after hearing what was said about me- I'd be running away to cry. Now, they feel like a bruise and not the blow. It's a sign that the confidence I'm building is aiding my mental state. Making it stronger.
The anxiety still crawls inside me like a nest of spiders that has hatched. They draw their webs all around me so tight that I can't move. It's a plague on my mind, forcing me to realise where the spike is coming from. It was what I was told yesterday trying to resurface.
"I was heading the to gym to pass some time." Hunter begins explaining the story to how he 'beat the daylights' out of someone to me. He's nervous. His hands keep fidgeting. "Right as I went to open the door, Noah of all people came out."
I almost vomit everywhere out of dread. This is the sickest I've ever felt. The connection is made instantly. I know Hunter's hand injuries are from him.
"Well, before that, he had been showing up at the school every afternoon and kept making disturbing and snarky comments to us." William interrupts Hunter with more information that doesn't make me feel any better. Only worse.
"He was a fucking idiot and wouldn't stop, so I gave him what he deserved." My boyfriend says this so casually- as if it were nothing.
It wasn't nothing. It was everything horrible and dreadful.
"Lolita?" Hunter brings back my attention, the anxiety in my chest deflating like a ballon. I hadn't realised that everyone has already left. "Class starts soon and we need to get our books. Are you okay? If you don't feel like you're up for school today, I can take you home."
I want to accept that offer so desperately. "It's okay. I'm okay. I forgot how much I hate this place." If I leave, I'm giving up on myself. This is progress.
He chuckles lightly and presses a kiss on the top to my forehead. "If you change your mind, I'm not complaining. I'm almost ready to go home myself." He's as exhausted as I am from the comments made.
Hunter takes my hand again as we walk down to our lockers. "You're not even excited for Ancient History?" It is the class that essentially started this all when William declared that we had to be civil.
He doesn't even think about my question, he answers straight away without taking a breath. "The only thing I like about that class, is that you're in it."
"Becky, it's perfect. You and the girls did a great job." I forgot how much I loved cheerleading until I watched Becky and the girls demonstrate what they've been up to without me here. I grab my bag from the locker room once I had changed out of my training gear and back into normal clothes.
"Are you sure? We can change the whole choreography if you want." She hasn't stopped panicking about the dance her and the girls collectively made. I don't know why she doubts herself so much to me.
"I loved the dance, Becks. You and the girls have a perfect song choice and a strong choreography. It was amazing." This feels like the thousandth time I've said it.
So far I managed to memorise the first half of the dance, but I need to learn the rest before the end of the week when the game is. It was difficult getting my weak body to remember what it feels like- the flips were the hardest. I almost fell so many times.
Finally, she is pleased with my answer. "Thanks. We were nervous at first because we didn't have you to help this time or Mia making us shake our ass."
I can't help but laugh. "I'm proud of you girls. You did well when I was gone, and I'm glad they had you to land on for the help." I had appointed Becky to be in charge when I was in the hospital, and I trusted her guidance and skills. She didn't disappoint me at all.
She throws her patterned purple bag over her shoulder. "Thanks Lolita, it means a lot to me. I better be going now. I'm suppose to be talking to Mr Jenkins about getting some extra credit for my assignment. I'll see you later."
"See you later, Becky." I bid my goodbye and return and closing my gym locker as she bolts away, leaving me alone in the locker room.
With a huff, I spun on my feet and leave the space so I can go to the bathroom. Whoever designed the girls locker room isn't clever because they didn't accommodated for toilets.
I push the door open and go onto the empty bathroom and do what I need to so my bladder is no longer begging me for relief.
Once I'm finished, I leave the stall and wash my hands in the basins adjacent. The old and blue door squeaks open when someone enters, and to my disappointment, it is Mia Vanderwal.
I roll my eyes and ignore her successfully. I shake my hands before grabbing paper towel to properly dry them.
"Damn, I was hoping you were gone for good this time." Her awful voice meets my ears. A part of me knew she'd been waiting all day for a chance to say something to me.
"I hoped the same for you. Not one shred of me missed you and your eye bleeding handbags, Mia." I shouldn't have said anything. It was a mistake. There's ten minutes left of lunch, and I don't want to waste it bickering with her.
I walk away, but she grabs my arm before I can reach the door, making me stop and turn back to her. "You're a disgusting liar, aren't you?"
She's starting to burst. So am I. "Excuse you?" I'm dumbfounded by her behaviour. I will never understand why people like her find this interesting.
A sickening laugh leaves her pink coloured lips. "About what happened last year with Noah. He told me all about how you freaked after it and decided to call the cops on him. All because you regretting it and wanted to save your dignity. It's pathetic Lolita, lies like that can hurt peoples futures forever."
My ears start to ring and ripple my head with pain. The spiders crawl in my chest and start to sting. "It's not a lie, Mia. I wouldn't make shit like that up. I was found, I didn't go and tell people. He was deemed guilty in court and was sent to prison. They ran tests in hospital that proved it was assault."
I can't believe I have to defend myself to her. I know that it isn't a lie. I remember it all clear as day, no matter how hard I try and forget.
Jake had stumbled across me when I still was paralysed with fear afterwards, and I couldn't move until police showed up.
"Liars don't deserve kindness. You've gotta hit em' where it hurts for them to learn a lesson." With that, she leaves the room, a trail of my confusion going with her.
She doesn't believe me.
Do others not believe me too?
"Your threat would be a lot more scarier if you wrote it on the mirrors with lipstick in big serial killer letters." I joke with myself to swallow down my momentary fear like it would help.
I hope it would at least. Mia Vanderwal doesn't deserve me standing here in shock.
I dread having to dive straight back into class for sport in less then ten minutes. I don't even have enough time to sit somewhere and take a proper break from all this unnecessary drama and chaos.
I pull myself together, not because I want to, but because I have to. I leave the bathroom and head towards the cafeteria, managing to avoid everyone on my way.
"You took your time." William points out when I slide myself into a seat between him and Hunter. They'd saved it for me.
"I ran into Mia in the bathroom. She wanted to be annoying as usual." I find myself digging through my bag to find the container that William prepared for me. It's a salad, like normal, and the only compromise food.
"Were there any claws that came out this time?" Becky jokes from across the table, wedged between Jake and Ian.
"She tried to be brave and use her words, not her nails." As much as the thought of slamming her head into the mirror as payback for the time my head was rammed into the ground, I had to reframe myself from thinking about the temptation.
I take the lid of my salad off, and immediately the wave of insecurities hit me for the brief moment. Eating in front of people. A lot of people. The school. I look up and made eye contact with an unfamiliar student of the other side of the cafeteria who, for some reason, is watching.
That student isn't the only. The table next to theirs had a small gathering of four junior girls with their heads turned, ready to watch the 'bulimic bitch' sit in a room full of people and eat.
I can't do this. I feel sick-
"They're just staring at you because you're the most breath taking one in the room." Hunter's voice tickles my ear when he whispers.
He had seen the pass of fear on my face. I know it's not why they're looking, but the distraction was greatly appreciated.
Immediately, I forget about everyone around me and I only thing about what my boyfriend had sweetly said. "I'm sure that's the reason." I playfully roll my eyes and joke.
A crooked grin stretches on his face and he nods. "You take my breath away all the time. I may as well be an asthmatic when you're around."
My brain can't conjure up any sort of response to that. The best thank you I can give us to lean up as far as I can and press my lips to Hunter's in a much needed kiss. More than words.
It was short lived when Becky's groans. Separating ourselves, I watch her frown and slump against the table.
"You're making me feel like the most single girl in the world. Eat your salad instead of your boyfriend's face." She says and leans her head in her hands.
I laugh and pick up the horrible plastic fork that is clipped to the container, jabbing it through the colourful food and stuffing it in my mouth without a thought passing my mind.
The voice is there, but I don't listen to what it wants me to do.
"I heard for next period in sport we're going outside to the big field to play some giant game of soccer." William informs those at our table who are in our class with us.
"Sounds like a terrible idea because no one will even have a chance to have the ball if they girls scream and run when it comes to them. Or just have those few guys that are the only ones actually playing." Jake leans back in his chair, and for a brief moment his eyes moved to Becky to watch for a reaction incase she laughs.
I mentally note to further investigate whatever this is that's going on between them. They do this often- turning to steal glances at one another.
"There's really nothing to complain about. It's essentially a free period if we just stand there." I definitely am looking forward to not having to participate in sport. It's better than taking mathematical notes.
The loud and annoying sound of the bell blasts through the busy cafeteria before I can even finish my food, and the swarms of students flow out so quickly it's as if they're excited for class.
I only get to eat half of my food before Hunter steals my bag and slings it over his shoulder. "Eat the rest on the way." He tells me as I also stand up with the container plastered to my hand.
I am thankful for the overload of students rushing to escape the cafeteria, which gives me enough time to carefully eat my salad while the rest of the crowd takes their time to leave.
It isn't long before I have eaten the contents of the container and shove it back in my bag which Hunter hands back right before I walk into the girls locker room to change into the white singlet and black running shorts. I'm sick of having to dress so many times today. If my cheer gear wasn't sweaty, I would've kept it on.
As I pull my old shorts up, they don't fit like they use too. They hang loose on my waist now, and bag around my thighs. They're too big.
My mind wanders back to my old self before my relapse. I thought I was an under-average size before getting sick again, but now with these on, I question myself. I'm too small. There's still barely anything to me, even after gaining some weight back.
My throat starts the ache mind begs me to cry. I've messed not only my body up, but my mind. These memories haunt my mind endlessly.
When people would tell me that I'm 'sick' I never believed them because I pictured myself as overweight or average. I feel my mind change with my disorder, not my body.
These shorts show that I never was the size I though like the voice in my head whispered, but I was tiny. Even worse now. It shows that I didn't care for myself, only the habits I was raised with and adapted to. Habits I made my own.
I pull on the drawstring as tight as I can and tie it up, letting my singlet that is two sizes too big hang over it. It swallows me whole.
As I walk outside, I understand that William was right. We have our sport lesson outside today for a giant game of soccer. My eyes search for the boys so I can go to them.
I'm drawn like a moth to a light in Hunter's direction, so I stand at his side. William and Jake are with him. "Let's hope this one game doesn't escalate and go to total shit." Jake huffs amongst our small group.
"Don't jinx it." William gently nudges Jake and says exactly what I had gone to. Sport lessons always end terrible when they're outside. It's became a Lacewood High tradition without even knowing.
"Everybody I need you all to quiet down so I can split you all into two teams!" Coach's loud and deep voice booms around the space. I groan quietly at the thought of being in different teams.
Thankfully everything works out fine team wise. Coach had finished calling names, and I had Jake on my team so I wasn't alone. Hunter and William are on the other team together.
"Are you going to even attempt playing today? Or leave it for the soccer kids?" I question Jake as we walk to our side of the field.
"I'm not, but you might want to judging by the death glares Mia is shooting your way right now." I look away from Jake and across the field to confirm what he had said. "Better get your running boots on."
She hasn't let go of our exchange in the bathroom. If it was a physical threat and today was going to be her attempt, I sure as hell will try my best to avoid her. My body is still weak, I don't want a fight.
Coach blows the whistle to start the game, but neither Jake or I make any efforts to participate while a few people dive into the game.
"I swear Mia is a common flu that just pops up whenever the hell it wants, and everyone absolutely hates it." I stare back at her, making it known I'm not scared of her. She's a teenage girl.
Jake snorts. "Well you can't exactly go to the doctors and get rid of her. The only pills that would help are ones that knock you out senseless."
I am so engrossed in my stare down with her to care about participating just to avoid her. That is until Hunter and William step in front of me and I lose my sight of Mia.
"If you wanted a staring contest you could of asked a thousand people better than her." Hunter jokes and I smile in return. She's not worth wasting breath over.
"She started it." I object, almost in a childish matter.
"And she'll finish it too." I wished the soccer ball had hit me hard enough in the head to knock me unconscious, so I can avoid Mia who suddenly pops up and invades our group.
"Is there no one else better to talk to rather than me right now?" She's getting on my nerves. Highly.
"Mia, walk away now before you say anything stupid." William's normal happy persona is shredded in an instant.
That soft boy is long gone, and standing in his place is a frightening man. His arms are crossed and his glare is so harsh that even I shudder.
Mia plasters a big and fake smile across her face. It's feline, and it's as if she wants us to see just how forced it is.
"Calm down, Henderson. I just wanted to tell Lolita I hope she has a good afternoon incase I don't see her again. Good weather and all." She leaves after saying this.
More anxiety spikes so high that my nails bite into the palms on my hand. "What the hell does that mean?" Hunter mutters aloud what we all are thinking. Me especially.
"That's the second time I've gotten a threat from her today. She's all talk and meaningless words."
This all seems like the calm before the storm. I wish with everything in me that it is only the calm. All my storms are over.
I can't help but think about the time she was standing in the school with Noah. My stomach drops at the memory. Was this some sort of revenge thing going on over Hunter hitting him? Is this just her being a bitch to me?
Who knows what she will do this time. I don't want to know. I've just gotten home and already I feel so isolated in fear again.
___________________________________