People confuse me. No one in specific. Just people in general. How their perspective can vary so much from mine. Each one of us is different. We all have different experiences that bring us to the person that we are. We each have our own core values. And even though we have those different experiences, they should hopefully bring us to a similar understanding of the world. To love. To be compassionate towards one another. To be honest when needed. To be the person someone else needs. To be the good man in the storm.
Upon saying that people confuse me, a very smart friend of mine said that confusion is good sometimes. And he's right. Because we need confusion to grow. If we aren't confused about how things are, it means we accept them without question. But how can we accept these things without feeling a certain disconnect between them? There must be a certain blindness to the thought of all.
To hell with them.
She didn't know how long she sat there, mushed between her brother and this woman who had kind of become the person she wanted in her life. Meredith somehow understood. She didn't think anyone could, but she did.
Her head was nuzzled on Meredith's shoulder, while her brother had wrapped his arms around her. She couldn't stop crying. Meredith had started rubbing her hand up and down the girl's back and that had made it worse.
"It's okay." Meredith kept saying. "You're okay. We got you."
Cassie appeared in the doorway not too long after. She made eye contact with Meredith, who nodded. She didn't react drastically, but rather kneeled in front of Amber and put her forehead to the girl's. Amber looked up, and her breathing soon calmed down.
"Let's go sit in the living room. I'll go make some hot chocolate." Meredith said, leading the girls to the couch and pushing them down gently. Alex placed a blanket over his sister before going to sit down on the other couch. He kept rocking back and forth on his feet. He was probably blood boiled and ready to punch out half the state of Iowa. Meredith had told him, "We need to talk to Amber; I think there's something she hasn't told us." But Alex knew Mer and that if she was saying that she knew at least part of the story.
Meredith came back with two hot chocolates and two coffees, placing them all on the table. She looked up at the two girls. Amber had wrapped herself completely in the blanket and had gone silent. She was clutching Cassie's hand as if it was a lifeline.
"Amber, what happened?" Meredith asked in a calm and quiet voice.
"I, uh..." her eyes darted from one person to another across the room. "I was raped. In the last foster home." She looked at her brother in fear of his reaction. He just looked sad.
"Do you want me to leave?" Cassie asked, understanding that whatever it was that was about to come out was not something to be only taken with a grain of salt.
Amber grew worried at those words, "No, stay." She turned back to the grownups. "I left as soon as I could. This guy... he... I was fine with being beat up. It didn't bother me anymore. But he took something so sacred away from me. I deserved the chance to be able to have sex for the first time with whoever I wanted. And this guy... I don't know if I can ever go a day without seeing his face in my mind."
"Why didn't you call me?" Alex asked, sounding a little bit angry. She shrunk back, and he noticed. "I'm sorry, Amber. This is my fault. I shouldn't have ever left you there. I should have brought you with me."
"Alex." His baby sister bit. "I blamed you for so long. But then when I got here, I saw you. You save kids! You save the kids that can't be saved. I know you didn't leave me there because you wanted this to happen. I just wished you hadn't left me there for so long. But you aren't the one who raped me. He was."
"We're going to take this guy down, Amb."
"No, we're not. I just want to get past this. I love you guys, and I want to live in Seattle and go to college and be a doctor. I don't know what kind of doctor, but I want to do what you guys do. And I am afraid of this guy, sure, I see him every time I close my eyes, but the minute you guys hugged me on the floor of that bathroom, I realized that I was safe. As long as I am here, you guys won't let anything like that happen. I just... I am terrified that the social worker is going to decline your application to let me stay."
Cassie had just sat there, absorbing. Her best friend, her sister, was raped. She had had the foster care life, sure, but nothing had ever gotten that bad for her. God, she really wanted to sandwich herself between Meredith and Alex and just hide there from the world. She was betting Amber felt the exact same way. She was strong; all of them were incredibly strong, but sometimes they just needed to be weak. Maybe now was one of those times.
"I think you're downplaying your emotions, Amber. I know it might be hard for you to talk to us, but you need to talk to someone about what happened." Meredith cut in. "We could get Violet."
"No." Amber immediately responded. "Karevs don't do shrinks."
"Yes, we do." Alex cut in. "And you will. You need to. You need to be a happy grown-up, and the only way that is going to happen is if you find closure. And you can't do that alone."
Cassie dragged Amber up from the couch to which she received a confused look, pulling her towards the other couch. She eyeballed Meredith as if to say move over, and Meredith scooted to the end of the couch, giving the two girls enough room to sit down in the middle.
The four of them laid there, saying nothing, just being with each other. Keeping each other warm, keeping each other company, reminding each other that they were not alone.
And that was honest to god enough.
...
Alex Karev walked with determination. He had kept it together for his sister's sake all night, but he really wanted to punch something or someone. This was all his fault, whether or not Amber would admit that.
He walked into the social worker's office. If this lady didn't give him what he wanted, he was probably going to deck her.
Meredith should have come to hold him back.
"Hello, Mr. Karev. What can I do for you?"
"I want the permanent custody papers. Amber belongs with me."
"Mr. Karev, are you aware that your sister ran away across the country? That doesn't look too good. Also, your mother never terminated her rights. I've been lenient in letting her stay with you, but she's on a fine line." The woman's lips remained pursed.
"Amber was raped."
Her lips unpursed slightly.
"I know that's not something you folk care about that much, but she needs to be here with me. So please, let my sister be with her family."
"For the record, Mr. Karev, I am human. I care about these children. There just isn't much I can do. Do you know how many kids go into the system? There's no evidence that can put away these monsters. Once they go in, they lose the light in their eyes."
"I know. I was the reason my siblings didn't go into foster care. I raised them even though I was a kid myself. That girl, the fact that I got to still see the light in her eyes, she's why I wanted to become a doctor. To help helpless kids. So please, help her."
"You need your mother to terminate her parental rights. That's the only problem I see right now. And your current living situation. I understand that you were in an adjustment period, but you live with four other kids and two other doctors. The state might not look kindly to that. Get her to sign off, and come back here."
Alex nodded before walking away.
-
Amber clutched her phone between her hands. She turned it over repeatedly, watching the lock screen of an old picture of her and her siblings she had found flicker on and off.
She should call. She was smart enough to know that if she wanted to get better, she needed to talk about all of the things that weighed her down. Part of her kept thinking of Violet, who said she could call her anytime. Part of her felt like that was just a common courtesy and that she didn't really mean it, and the other part of her really want to believe in the possibility of healing.
So, sitting in the attic she and Cassie shared, she dialed.
"Hey Violet. it's me, Amber. I just, uh, well, I realized that I need to talk about things that hurt me if I want to move on and be happy. And I think you're one of my people because you're one of the first people I felt safe with, so..." she hesitated, "if you're busy I completely understand."
She took a deep breath. She was afraid, but somehow the words still came out of her mouth.
"I, um, I had a nightmare about the day I was raped for the first time. I've had that nightmare plenty of times, but today was different. Maybe it was something Meredith said or the fact that I have been opening up to these people now, and I feel exposed. And I feel like I can cry. I don't like crying, it makes me feel weak. The day I was raped, I uh, couldn't cry until I was at school the next day in the bathroom where no one would hear me and get mad. I wanted to cry so much that day. After that, tears were just a numb feeling. They didn't happen to me. And I just lost it when I woke up. But Meredith and Alex and Cassie held me while I cried, and I felt safe for the first time in a really long time."
Violet cleared her throat on the other side of the call. "That's great, Amber. You know what that means?"
Was this a really dumb question? "No. What does it mean?"
"It means you're healing. And don't get me wrong, you still have work you need to do, but it's a start. You're going to be okay."
-
"I'm going to find my mom," Alex said, shoving some clothes into his duffle bag. "She needs to sign the paperwork. Mer, Amber needs us. She needed me and I wasn't there."
"You need to stop blaming yourself, Alex. You didn't want all of this stuff to happen to her. You needed to get out of there. Because you couldn't save her as a twentysomething with no job. And look at you now."
"Mer, I left when she was four to go to med school. I came back as often as I could, making sure Aaron was keeping her safe, making sure she was still alive. I had to hand her an envelope every time so she would have lunch money cause god knows she probably wasn't eating at any other point. As she got older, she realized I wasn't staying. She knew that I was her way out, but I never offered it to her. And I thought when my residency started I could go and get her but then it was the psycho chick and Izzie got sick and Izzie got better and when we got married I thought maybe that was it but before I could even propose the idea she had walked out on me. I couldn't do it after that. And I got shot and I thought maybe she was better off not with someone whose friends had a track record for almost dying. At some point, she got thrown into the foster system and no one told me. She kept picturing me every time she needed an out. And I wasn't there."
"Maybe you should take Amber with you," Meredith suggested as Alex zipped up the duffle.
Alex threw the bag over his shoulder. "No. She's not ready. Iowa has traumatized her enough for one lifetime."
She eyeballed him as he made his way to the front door. "Are you sure she's not going to be mad you left without her?"
"Well, she can yell at me and punch me all she wants. I'm her person. I can take it."
And the front door slammed behind him.
...
The doorbell rang not too long after. Meredith was in the kitchen with all five of her children eating dinner (Amber and Cassie had to cook to avoid the house burning down.) Their baked casserole had been a mild success.
"I'll get it." Amber said, jumping up from the table to answer the door. She blinked as she opened the door to see a woman who looked vaguely familiar in the doorway. Short brown hair. Kinda pretty. She must have been one of the doctors.
"Is Alex here?" The woman asked.
"No." Where was her brother anyway? She hadn't seen him since she got home from school. Maybe he got pulled into emergency surgery.
"I'm sorry; who are you?" Jo asked, slightly confused as to who was answering the door. It must have been one of Cassie's friends. But why was she answering the door if she didn't live here?
"I'm Alex's sister. Who are you?" She pressed back, crossing her arms, hoping this wasn't the mother of his niece he didn't know about.
"I'm Jo Wilson, I-"
"Jo! What are you doing here?" Meredith appeared behind her.
"I need to talk to Alex. He's been so distant lately. I assumed it was because he wanted to be there for you after you got attacked and the dinner and I didn't want to get in the way of that because goodness knows you come first but it's been months and he still won't make eye contact with me and he avoids working with me at all costs. Is he okay? Because I want to be there for him, and I should have pushed earlier but I wanted to give him space."
"Jo." Meredith bit. "Come inside."
Jo awkwardly plopped down on the couch opposite from Meredith. She knew Meredith didn't like her. She was very protective of Alex, and Jo knew she didn't make the cut.
"Alex has been preoccupied lately. It's not anything you did. You are important to him, Jo. You're the first person Alex has been with in a long time that brings out the good in him. He just wants to do right by his sister." Meredith turned to Amber. "She needs him."
Jo turned to Amber. She probably had the same childhood as Alex. Not very sunshiney. She could see the look in the girl's eyes. It was the same one she carried.
She softened her eyes at the girl. "I grew up in the foster care system too. I get it. If you ever want to talk to me, Meredith has my number." She turned to Meredith as she stood up. "Will you tell him I stopped by and that I need to talk to him?"
Meredith nodded.
Jo turned back to Amber. "You're not alone. When I was 16, I lived in my car. But you... you have people. Always remember that."
And she walked out of the front door, as Alex had only a few minutes earlier.
Amber turned back to Meredith. "Is that Alex's girlfriend?" Meredith nodded.
"I like her already!"