"You don't have to be afraid because we're all the same." - Shawn Mendes
I stepped out of the shower, turning it off as I did so. I was drying my body and getting ready to exit the bathroom when I overheard Kaila and Ian conversing in the living room right outside the bathroom.
So I paused and listened in for a second.
"You just have to be who you are, and be proud of it, Kai. If someone can't accept you for you, then that is their loss." Ian gave his advice. I don't know what his advice was for, but it sounded like it was useful.
"Yeah," she sighed. "I guess I'm just not ready for anyone to know."
I'm not going to lie, I so badly wanted to stay with my ear pressed against the bathroom door and listen in on their private conversation that was probably linked to the secret Kaila told Ian before he left, but I couldn't disrespect Kaila's privacy like that. She has made it very clear time and time again that it's not something she is ready to have out in open air yet. I have to respect that, no matter how hard it is for me.
So I stood up and readjusted my towel around my waist and opened the door over-dramatically loud so they knew to put a pin in their conversation. I'm obviously not meant to hear it.
Kaila looked incredibly stressed and uncomfortable to be in this situation, which is unusual for her. She's not the type of person to show her weak points, like the fact she is currently uncomfortable.
"I'm going to go lay down, I'm pretty tired." She excused herself from the living room and headed to her bedroom. She just got home from work, and I was surprisingly not scheduled today. Ian, on the other hand, only has an hour before he goes in to help Mr. Westchester with some "behind the scenes business work" as they like to call it. I don't stop to question what that even means.
Ian followed me into my bedroom and plopped down on my bed as I rummaged through my drawers for something to wear. For some reason, walking around campus was especially exhausting and I sweat so much that I felt disgusting. I've been eager to shower all day.
Once I was clothed, much to Ian's dismay, I laid down next to him in bed with a tired sigh.
"Long day, Papps?"
"Very." Thursday's are literally my least favorite day of the week because of my tight class schedule and then the fact I usually have to work. I got lucky and didn't have to work today; instead, I spent my entire day on campus for school. "How'd therapy go this morning?" Hopefully better than the last session.
"She went easy on me today, that's for sure. Nothing as intense as Saturday's session." Ian and I never talked about what got him so worked up, he just apologized and said he'd try and control it better next time. He's still yet to admit to me that he was diagnosed with PTSD and that he takes medication for it.
I'm choosing to respect his decision to keep me uninformed with his mental health for now. I know he is still struggling to adjust to life back home, and I don't want to make it any harder on him.
"What were you and Kaila talking about? She looked a little distraught." More like a lot. It's better to pretend I know less than the little I do know.
"Oh, just some romance troubles."
I couldn't help the frown that appeared on my face. I'm a little offended that Kaila chose to go to Ian with her struggles instead of me. Knowing less than the bare minimum about Kaila's love life never really bothered me because I figured she would rather just keep to herself, but the fact that she was more comfortable confiding in Ian than me actually stung.
Ian could tell it bothered me that Kaila didn't come to me, so he gave me a tight squeeze and kissed my cheek. "Don't overthink it too much, love. It was a pretty spontaneous decision to ask for my advice."
For Ian's sake, I brushed it off for now. I didn't want him to feel bad about helping Kaila, which he would start to if I stayed showing how I felt about the situation. I'll just have to talk to her about it later.
"How was class?" I asked, veering the conversation off of me.
"Boring," he shrugged. "I really need to make some friends at school though."
"See if there's study groups to join," I suggested. That's how I made some friends in my earlier years of college. Now I pretty much just go to learn and leave. I am still in study groups though because my classes are hard and I probably wouldn't pass them without my groups.
"That's smart." I repositioned myself so I was laying on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me. He kissed my forehead and rubbed my back as I closed my eyes, slowly falling asleep to the sound of Ian's heartbeat. "Baby," Ian murmured. "I wish I could stay, but I have to go to work." I sighed, disappointedly, wishing he could stay so we could nap together, then rolled on top of him.
"Are you going to come over after?"
"I can." His smile could literally end global warming.
"Good." I gave him a kiss before rolling back over to take a nap. I am beyond tired.
"I love you, Josie Elle. I'll see you in a couple hours."
"I love you, too, E," I said softly, smiling at him as he got up and got ready to go to work.
Ian left, and I fell asleep almost immediately. My 30 pounds of homework was not nearly as important as getting sleep right now.
~•~
Once I was awake and functioning, I dragged myself out of bed and went to Kaila's room to talk to her. I obviously plan to bring up the conversation I walked in on earlier with Ian, but I also just miss her. Like I've said, we hardly see much of each other anymore because of our crazy, contradicting schedules. I have to jump at any opportunity I get to spend a little bit of time with Kaila.
"Hey, Kai," I said after knocking on the door. I knock as a warning, but let myself in on my own.
"Hey," she said from her desk where she was reading a book. She's always been a big reader, just like Ian, and reads whenever she gets some time. She placed her bookmark inside of the book at the page she was on and swiveled her chair so she was facing me. "How was your nap?"
"Refreshing," I sighed, sitting on her bed. I could've slept for longer, but I just wanted to feel refreshed. I want to be sure I can sleep tonight, too. "What are you reading?"
"Ian brought over some books he read on base so I could see if there's any I want to read, so I'm reading Brave New World right now. I'm not really sure how I feel about it so far."
"He suggested that one to you?" I laughed. "He literally was just telling me last night how he hated that book, but he had to read it on base because there was nothing else."
Kaila rolled her eyes and laughed. "Sounds like such an Ian thing to do." She abandoned her book at her desk and came and sat with me on her bed. "How's the degree coming along?"
My turn to roll my eyes. "It's coming, slowly but surely." School is so exhausting, and I know my job will be in the future too, but I'm just looking forward to finally getting my degree and moving on. Studying and taking tests all the time is draining me.
I just hope it's all worth it, and I live a happy and successful life.
Me, Ian as my husband, our two little children, my job that makes me proud, and long-lasting friendships.
That'd be the perfect life.
"What were you and Ian talking about earlier?" I asked casually. I felt bad as I watched Kaila visibly tense. "You seemed upset."
"Oh, uh..."
"He said you were just having some relationship problems."
"Yeah," she nodded, agreeing with that, like she didn't know what else to say.
"Why didn't you come to me? You know I'm always here for you." I didn't mean to make this about me, but I just don't understand why Kaila never feels comfortable enough to tell me things like this. It's been over two decades of being best friends, yet I feel like there's so many aspects in which Kaila is a stranger to me.
"Jos, I didn't tell Ian anything. He walked in while I was dealing with something on the phone, and found it all out. He, then, offered his advice, so I accepted it since he already knew. Trust me, I'm not ready for anyone to know, it's just how it worked out."
That's pretty much exactly what she said about her secret that Ian found out about before he left four years ago... I wonder if the two are linked — her secret from four years ago and her "relationship troubles" that Ian mentioned.
I guess, maybe I'll find out eventually, if Kaila is ever ready for people to know. Until then, I'll be wondering.
After four years, I've pretty much completely accepted that Kaila has her secrets, so it doesn't bother me so much anymore, no matter how badly I want to know.
•••
Though no one's been holding me to it, I have been promising to share "My Guide to Happiness" that I wrote, so check my profile, I'll post it as a status :)
Update on my life because I've been talking about how the past couple of weeks have not been the greatest, I'm finally getting a little better every day, and I'm starting to notice it. Finding your worth after losing sight is not easy, but it's so important and worth the struggles.
For any one in a relationship, I am not going to say anything bad about love or relationships or anything, but I will say this. Promise me, boys and girls, do NOT lose yourself in someone. If someone walks out on you, that is not your fault. That is their own personal problem. Please always know your worth. It's such a dangerous gamble to lose sight of it, it can put you in a very bad place.
Anywho!!!! I had an okay week. We finished charity week at my school — raised over 7,000 dollars for the leader dogs for the blind in a school of only roughly 1600 students!!! Such a good feeling to know we made such a difference! I also had student council regionals, which was a literal blast! I had so much fun and can't wait for states! :)
How was your week? Tell me your highs and lows :)
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- Emily
B.E. Better Everyday