Hi?
It was from an unknown number, which scared me at first, but then I remembered that I did give Noah my number earlier. I hadn't expected him to text so quickly – I hadn't expected him to text at all to give you the truth. He was part of the collective group of classmates that thought I was some weird psycho bitch they enjoyed talking about a lot. I had known this would happen when I joined the school, but my mum had insisted that I go, so I went anyway. She probably still believed that I could make normal friends that could get over the fact I couldn't speak despite the obvious communication barrier. I wasn't in the same state of mind.
Hi?
Some part of me knew that this would be some kind of trick – that Noah couldn't possibly have texted me at five o'clock the same day that I gave him my number without bad intentions. I'd heard just about every nasty thing he and his mates had said about me so why would that suddenly change?
It's Noah – this is Via right?
Yup that's right
Great
Ok
As you can see, I was very talkative at this point. To be honest, all I could think about was how Noah was going to trick me into saying the wrong thing, or at least something he could laugh about with his friends. He was by no means here to talk about the coursework; from what I'd seen, he hated school and didn't care whatsoever about grades. He must be up to something – I just hadn't quite worked what that was yet.
So... the coursework
Yeah – have you had any ideas about that yet?
So, the thing is – I don't read?
I had a feeling that was the case
Did I just do that? Was I actually stupid? That was asking for people to be mean to me, Noah included. I was such an idiot.
What's that supposed to mean?
Shit shit shit shit shit shit. I was internally screaming at how bad this had already gotten. And it was all my fault as well. UH fuck this. I might as well commit, mightn't I?
You seem to be the athletic popular type that has more muscle than brain?
My heart felt like it was beating five times it was meant to and for some of the time it took for Noah to respond, I was certain I'd stopped breathing properly. My life was officially a mess and it had only taken a few texts – I know I was really cool, right?
Fair enough
Of all the responses I was expecting, this wasn't it. Why was he suddenly being nice to me? The voice in the back of my head reminded me that it was most likely some kind of ploy to make fun of me and not to trust him, but for some reason, I didn't want to believe it. I don't know why I was being so stupid – Noah would never even want to speak to me if this wasn't a trick.
I looked at the text again. What should I do now? Should I just leave it or say something else? I had no idea. See this is what I like about not being able to speak; you never really have to think about what to say so hard. Before I overanalysed the conversation anymore, my phone pinged one more time.
Why don't you speak?
I knew my brain was fucked up as soon as my first instinct was to tell him the truth. Telling him the truth would be the epitome of bad ideas – and that wasn't an exaggeration. I only had to remember the people that he hung around with to know that much. That would definitely sink in tomorrow when I went back to the hellhole that was school. I would see him with his friends, and all the nasty things would come rolling back to me and I would see, once again, that he's not a person to be trusted, nor would he ever.
It felt like the millionth time when I told myself that I just had to get through this year. I just had to make it through the last year of high school and then I wouldn't have to even think about these people or events ever again.
So I left my phone where it was and didn't think about it again for the whole night. Because I couldn't trust him and I knew that it wouldn't make the loneliness that I felt at school any better but maybe it was best that way.
XXX
Elliot knocked on the door at exactly six o'clock, a fact that made me smile, as it always did. I ran down the stairs as quickly as possible, completely forgetting about the drama (if you would even call it that) going on with Noah.
Elliot was like that friend that you could never fall out with; we'd been friends for what felt like forever and he was one of the only people that I properly felt actually listened to me, other than my family of course. I loved him to bits and genuinely didn't know where I'd be without him.
So, yes I'm finding it a bit difficult at the moment, but I think it'll all pan out, He signed. Elliot's deaf, which is how we first met – he was one of the only people that I could communicate after everything.
I'm sure it will. My mum replied and he spotted me.
Hey, look who it is?!
Well, what can I say? I signed back and smiled. It was so nice to see him again – since moving I hadn't seen him as much as I had used to so it was special when I did What are we talking about?
Computer science actually, He gave me a similar smile
Well, that's actually going pretty well for me, It wasn't a lie – I had got the highest mark in the last exam, not that anyone in the class knew that. I think Mr Smith was just as surprised as me when he marked it.
Of course it is! He signed making an obvious face. You are the smartest person I know!
Anyway, should we go up to my room?
Sure! Bye Mrs Mason! He turned around and said goodbye to my mum.
We quickly fumbled up the stairs, already beaming with the fact that we were finally in the same building again. I swear, I didn't think I'd ever had a better friend than Elliot.
So how's school? He signed making a patronising face
Shut up! I signed back making a face at him I get that enough everywhere else!
I know – it's shit – people are like that with me as well!
How's your school?
You just told me off for asking you that! He prodded me, Hypocrite!
Ok, but the thing is your school is so much more interesting!
Who says? He replied raising his eyebrows. He was the only one I knew that could get them so far up his head. Sometimes I thought his eyebrows had superpowers or something.
Elliot the girls in front of me in History were talking about peanut butter today. They actually did – honestly school is so boring.
Ok then He signed trying not to laugh That's not strange or anything!
I know right! Honestly friendship goals!
Yeah but at your school, you can genuinely say whatever you want
I mean speak for yourself! He laughed
I'm sorry - maybe you can't I made a face which made him laugh harder But at our school you get treated like a kid by most of the teachers and they tell us off for stupid things like swearing.
I don't think that makes it any less exciting, to be honest. It just makes more arguments if I'm honest
Oooh, come on – what 's been going on then?
Because I'm definitely involved in that! It's just been a lot of people kissing other people they're not meant to and one slap of a chicken tikka sandwich
Wait what?
This guy got really angry and then proper hit this other guy with one of those baguette sandwiches and the sauce got all over his uniform. They were year sevens though so it does kind of make sense
And then we just melted into laughter because that's all you can do when you're thinking about how cool year sevens think they are.
XXX
How are your friends anyway? He asked when we finally calmed down. I looked down at my lap on the bed and tried to think of an excuse.
Still nonexistent?! Honestly Via, you've been there for a year already and you're at the start of year eleven!
Stop it – you sound like my mum I signed really not wanting to have this conversation now making friends is so difficult when you can speak!
Doesn't anyone sign?
What do you think? I didn't blame people for not being able to sign. Sometimes I didn't even blame people for saying nasty things about me; at the end of the day, I knew what a burden I am. How annoying it must be to try and speak to me only to get no reply. It was at those times that I felt the most embarrassed about not being able to speak, but I also knew that I had no way of making that embarrassment go away. I just had to deal with it in the same way I dealt with everything: silently.
So you haven't actually had a real conversation with anyone there?
Nope, I replied. I didn't know whether to tell him about Noah yet. What would he say? I had a feeling he would tell me to be trusting and I just couldn't. He didn't understand who Noah and his friends were – he wouldn't get it. Don't make that face!
Ok, I'll leave it – but seriously Via – at least try I nodded my head and looked away.
How's that guy that you told me about earlier?
Via Mason, are you actually accusing me of texting in class? We both laugh
Right – he's actually strange – listen to this! And he went on about his partner in maths and how truly weird he was while I grew more and more concerned about my own partner.
XXX
I lay in bed thinking about him again while attempting to go to sleep later that night. I wasn't really doing a great job of trying though as I had my earphones in and my taste of music wasn't exactly soothing.
Every piece of evidence told me that Noah was a player. I was so surprised that he'd texted me, even more so that he hadn't done it to say something nasty (yet). I was also surprised that I considered trusting him, even if it was for a split second. I blamed it on the fact that he actually thought to text me. Maybe this was just a side effect of never speaking to people I didn't know; when they did I automatically liked them. He was definitely a player though – I mean he was the on the football team – why would he ever possibly want to speak to me?
I knew full well that when I went back to school the next day he would make fun of my texts to his friends and when the coursework was over, he would delete my number. It was times like these when I felt most upset about not being able to speak; I felt as though it automatically put me in a box. Like if I could speak then I could be anyone I wanted. I could be the mean girl, the emo, the genius, whatever. But not speaking always made me the shy, simple, quiet one, just like Noah and everyone at school thought. And I always had to keep that role, no matter what my brain thought or the clothes I wore.