Adelaides POV
I don't know what time we fell asleep, but I woke up on the couch with Demi's arms wrapped tightly around me. I feel so safe in her arms. I look outside through the glass back door and see that it's already dark out. Fuck how long did we sleep.
I gently kiss Demi's forehead as I untangle her arms from my body and get up, slowly making my way towards the bathroom, I lock the door behind me and just stand in front of the mirror for a few minutes. Looking at my reflection. A couple weeks ago, I looked normal.. and was starting to feel happy as I pushed my past far behind me. But now, I've gone back to feeling like complete shit. I don't know why I didn't just throw away the drugs Gabriella gave to me.. I guess that's the addict in me.. people don't realize that once you're an addict, you will always be an addict.. it's so hard to stay clean, yet so easy to relapse. Addicts don't ever "get over" their addictions. They simply replace them with "healthier" ones. But that addictive personality will always remain. I had replaced the drugs with baths, the pups, singing, my art, but most importantly my cigarettes are the ones that had gotten me to the place I was. I know smoking isn't a healthy substitute, but it's healthier than snorting coke, shooting up, and doing pills. But look at me. I feel like a failure. Because after 27 months, I'm suddenly back at square one. But this time I don't know if I care enough about myself to pull myself out of this hole again. Like, I'm not strong enough, maybe I am, but I'm so tired of having to be strong... I just want to let go... but like I've been told so many times.
"Relapse is a part of recovery" which simply means, that sometimes you just have to hit rock bottom again, to fuel you harder than before to fight the addiction and to finally get better.
But I'm not there yet.... I don't want to feel anything at all right now, and I know the drugs are the only thing that will completely numb me... I pray and hope that Demi doesn't find out... I don't want to let her down, I've already let myself down, and I won't be able to handle letting the only person who actually gives a fuck about me down... I don't know how to explain it.. but we fit together right... when I'm between her arms, I feel safe. Like everything will be okay. She understands me. And I'm sleeping finally, which is weird, because I've never been able to sleep more than 2-3 hours a night. But the nights that I've been in her arms? I sleep the entire night... I don't know what she does to me or how she does it. She's special.. one of a kind..
I let out a deep sigh as I reach behind the toilet to grab the baggie, my hands shaking as I pour some of the white substance onto my thumb, quickly inhaling, then taking 3 pills quickly.
I look back at my reflection, my eyes once again returning to the black orbs, my face pale, my lips a dark red, no emotion. I wonder what Demi sees in me... god knows I don't see it...
I slide off my clothes and put the things back in their hiding spot, I turn on the water and wait for it to get hot, I like the water temp to burn. To feel like satan himself is breathing down my body. I know. I'm weird.
I smile at my weird thoughts as I get in and let the water hit me, I stand under the water as I think about everything that's just taken place. I admire Demi so much... she's so brave.. and I owe her my life... why would she care so much to protect me..? No one has ever done that before... at least no one has done it and not expected something in return. Or does she expect something in return? I shake my thoughts as I grab the shampoo bottle and massage it into my scalp, then stand under the water to let it wash it away. Then grab the conditioner and do the same. While the conditioner sits in my hair, I grab my body wash and scrub my body, the fruity smell engulfing my bathroom. I shave my legs quickly then wash out the conditioner.
Taking care of myself will help me feel better. I know it..
I smile in the mirror softly as I dry off, then grab my favorite lotion and massage it into my skin, then take my brush and brush my hair. I hadn't brushed my hair in days.. when I get depressed I don't take care of myself, but I've gotta push through that shit and take care of myself, because that will help me feel better.. looking like a complete mess while feeling like garbage, doesn't help at all.. but if I try just a little bit.. even doing something so simple as brushing my hair, my mood improves throughout the day...
I grab my bra and slide it on, then the long sleeve black shirt that fits me tight and slide it on my body, I don't like tight fitting clothes, but this shirt makes me feel like absolute fucking fire. I giggle as I grab some tight high waisted skinny jeans, tuck the black shirt into them and pull them up, buckling them, then grab my burgundy pumas and place them on my feet. I smile at myself in the mirror... then grab my make up bag. I'm going to do my entire routine. I want to feel better about myself. I don't want to look good for anyone.
I want to look good for myself.
I smile as I start my routine, and beat the fuck outta my face. I did the whole contour, and put that highlighter on point so it looks like Jesus himself is shining down on my face. I do a winged eyeliner and then my mascara, then grab my fake lashes and put them on. I finish the look with a dark burgundy matte lipstick. My hair drying and my natural wavy/curly hair looks good. I smile at myself. Then put everything away, quickly taking 2 more pills and inhaling some more. Just to keep me numb. I put them back then unlock my door, grabbing my favorite perfume and squirting it all over me, as I walk out I can smell some food.
Demi must've woken up and is probably making some food. Ugh.. food.. fuck..
I walk out of my bedroom and yup, Demi is in the kitchen, not cooking, but she threw a pizza in the oven. I see her with her back faced towards me as she carefully reads the instructions on the back of the box, I smile, does she really need the instructions to throw a pizza in the oven? I mean I shouldn't talk, I threw one in the oven once with the cardboard still under it and almost burned my apartment down. So I should probably shut up lol
I walk up behind her and wrap my arms around her waist and lean my head on her shoulder
"Having a hard time reading the instructions Demi?" I laugh as she mocks me
"Fuck you smell so good" she smiles as she places the box down and turns to face me, her face turning into a deep red as her eyes almost pop out of her head, I laugh at her reaction
"You okay?" I say as I giggle
"Holy fuckingshitballs you look fucking amazing, what the fuck!! Omgggooosssh you're so fucking gorgeous! Don't get me wrong, you look AMAZING without makeup, but holyfuckkkk, like how is this even possible?!" She exclaims and I just laugh
"Calm down loser, I still look like a sack of potatoes" I say as I giggle and she grabs my face in her arms
"No you don't what the fuck! Are you insane? I'm the one that looks like a fucking potato" she laughs and I just blush as I look down at the ground, she quickly places her fingers under my chin and makes my face look up at her
"No fucking way you're hiding your beautiful face" I smile at her, if I could compare her anything right now, I would say she looks like that emoji with the hearts for eyes 😍 lmao
"Who did you get ready for love?" She says as she smiles
"No one, I got ready for myself. I wanted to feel pretty again.. and just, feel decent about myself, I'm tired of feeling like shit. So I decided to take care of myself so I can improve my self esteem a bit" I say as I smile
"You're already beautiful without any of this. But i totally understand how doing your makeup and getting ready, and just spending some time with yourself helps. You're incredible" I smile at her words and she leans into my face and presses her lips against mine, I smile against her lips as I kiss her back softly, this kiss is different. There's so much passion in it. It feels amazing. I feel loved.. for once in my life.. I don't ever want this feeling to go away
She pulls away from me as she bites her lip
"Your lips are so fucking amazing, you've got the most full and plump lips. Ladies everywhere would kill for them" she says as she smiles and I look down and away from her
"I don't really like them.. but thanks"
"What??? Are you insane??? People literally pay for lip injections just to get lips like yours" she says
"Yeah I get that, but when I was in school everyone used to say I had 'dick sucking lips'
And I hated it. But I guess I proved them wrong cos I'm gay as fuuuuck" we both laugh and she leans in to kiss me again, but we're interrupted by the timer on the oven going off, I pull away from Demi as I grab the oven mittens and pull the pizza out of the oven and set it down on the stove top. I turn as I'm going to get the pizza cutter I look and see that all 4 house hippos are sitting behind me, their mouths drooling at the smell of the pizza, both Demi and I let out loud laughs and I push past them and get the cutter and quickly cut the pizza
"How many slices do you want Demi?" I say as I reach up for two plates
"Three pleaseeeeeee" I smile as I grab 3 slices for her and place them on her plate then set it down at the table for her, she grabs two waters from the fridge and I grab one small slice and place it onto my plate then walk towards the table and sit across from Demi. She kisses my forehead softly as she hands me a water then goes to sit at her place.
I open my water, my legs bouncing nervously as I drink like half of the water. I look up at Demi who's already done with 1 slice and going in for her second. I let out a deep breath as I grab my slice and take one bite out of it. Chewing it for like 5 minutes before finally swallowing. My eyes watering as I do. I grab my water and drink some more, finishing it as I get up and grab another water. When I come back to the table Demi is already done with her food and she getting up for another slice.
"Here, I'll grab it for you" I say and she smiles as she hands me her plate, I walk back into the kitchen and grab her another slice and bring it back to her
"Please try to eat my love... you haven't had anything in days.. just half of it okay?" I nod at her slowly and sit back down as I take another bite from the pizza. My eyes rolling in disgust, quickly opening my other water and taking two huge gulps from it. I look up at Demi who is staring at me. I smile at her softly as I grab my slice again and take another bite. My stomach dropping as I chew it.. I swallow it and drink some more water, then take one last bite, I ate 3/4ths of it. So that should please Demi.. I swallow it and drink the remaining of my water as I get up from the table
"Are you all done Demi?" She nods at me as she picks up her crust and eats it, I grab her plate and take it into the kitchen along with mine and set them in the sink
"I'll be right back, I've gotta use the bathroom okay?" I say as I turn from Demi and she grabs my arm
"Don't do it..." she looks at me with pleading eyes
"We've been through this. I've got IBS, so anytime I eat, I gotta shit right after" I say as I laugh but I can tell she doesn't fully buy it, and I get that. Because we both know what I'm going to do in the bathroom, she lets go of my arm and sighs as she walks towards the living room
"What about film date? I'll pick a good film, so hurry and get back" I smile at her as I walk into my room, locking it, then into my bathroom and locking it at well. I turn on the sink and play music on my phone really loud as I lean down on the toilet and shove my fingers down my throat, throw up quickly making its way up. I continue to do it until nothing but bile and blood come up. I let out a deep sigh as I walk towards my sink, flushing the bathroom and washing my hands, then brushing my teeth, cleaning my mouth and drying my watery eyes. I put some eye drops in them so the redness can go away. I try to rub out the marks my teeth left in my knuckles. And I grab the baggy again. Inhaling another huge amount and downing 3 more pills. I let out a deep breath as I close my eyes and lean against the sink, numbness quickly taking hold of me and embracing me. I walk out of the bathroom in a zombie like state and then unlock my room as I walk out to meet Demi
"Why did you have to lock the door? Are you hiding something?" She says as her eyebrows furrow
"I just didn't want you to hear me taking a shit Demi" she lets out a deep sigh and I wrap my arms around her softly
"I'm sorry I'm so closed off.. I'm sorry I don't let people inside... but I'm really trying.. you already know more about me than anyone ever has in my entire life.. I know it doesn't feel like it, but it's true.. it's just hard for me to trust people and let them in.. I've been fucked over my entire life.. please don't take that personally, I'm seriously trying Demi.." she nods against me and I lean down and kiss her forehead softly, she looks up at me, looking me in the eyes
"I'm not going to sit here and tell you all these beautiful things about how I'm different, and how I wouldn't hurt you. I'm not. I'll do you one better. I'll show you. Every single day I will show you" I smile at her as a tear streams down my cheek, she quickly wipes it away and leans in to kiss my lips softly
"Come on, lets go smoke a cigarette and let the pups do their business" she holds onto my hand and we head towards the back door, I unlock it and the pups run out excitedly, they run straight for their toys and chase each other around, we both giggle. They're so nuts
We sit on the patio chairs and I grab my pack of smokes, taking two out, sliding one between Demi's lips and lighting it, then doing the same to myself. A wave of calmness hits me as the nicotine hits my lungs, I smile as I release it, I look at Demi who is staring at me with loving eyes
"I just want to thank you.. if it wasn't for you, I probably wouldn't still be here right now.. even though I didn't want you here, or for you to see me this way, you still showed up.. and you protected me. And I just want to thank you... it means so much to me.. you seriously don't even know.. no one has ever done that for me.. without expecting something from me in return at least..."
"Shhh.. you don't have to thank me, I'd do it again. As long as it means you'll be okay. That's all I want. Is for you to be okay. That's enough for me. Addy... I love you..." I look at her with wide eyes, my face turning a dark shade of red, then I look down at the ground.. did I hear her right..? Did she really...
"Are you...sure...?"
"Adelaide, I have never been so sure of anything in my entire fucking existence. I thought I knew what love felt like.. I really did. But apparently I had no idea, because the things I feel for you, I have never in my life felt before" I look back into her eyes as I walk towards her and grab hold of her face gently leaning in and kissing her lips deeply, her hands grab hold of my hips as she deepens the kiss more, I pull away from her face
"Demi... I love you so fucking much..." her breath goes out of pace for a second at my words before she gets up and presses me against the wall, kissing me deeper than before, her hands trailing down my body she pulls away and my lip quivers, she's got a huge smile on her face and her eyes are beaming
"Adelaide... would you make me the happiest woman alive... and be my girlfriend..?"
My eyes widen as I gulp, my lips turning into a smile equally as huge as hers
"Oh my god Demi... yes... yes I'll be your girlfriend... yes.." my eyes water and she pulls me into her arms, I can hear her heartbeat pounding against her rib cage
"I'm going to show you what real love feels like... and I'm going to treat you like the queen that you fucking are.. I'm going to give you the entire fucking world and make you the happiest woman alive..you just watch babygirl" she says determined as her eyes twinkle
"As long as you're by my side... that's all I need to be the happiest woman alive.." she smiles at me as she walks back to the patio chair, sitting me in her lap, my legs wrapped around her waist, I reach back and put my cigarette out and hers as well, then grab the pack and grab another one out, lighting it as we both smile
"This deserves a celebration" she says as she looks into my eyes then takes the cigarette from my hand and takes a puff before handing it back to me
"Honestly, laying on the couch cuddling with the love of my life while watching films or listening to music, singing to each other, or just listening to your voice sounds amazing right now" She smiles up at me as she kisses my lips again
"You are the definition of beauty and perfection my beautiful girl" she says against my lips and I smile
Things are finally starting to feel.. okay
I'm okay with this
A new start
Hey guys!! I hope you guys liked this chapter!! I might write some more tonight! There will be naughty scenes in the next chapter so get readdddyyyy
Vote, comment!!