It never fails, no matter what I try to do I always end up back in the same place, wishing things were different. For instance, I wish I could say this morning was a fluke, that things improved, but my day never really got any better than it began. Eventually I got used to the staring, but it probably helped that I had something else to keep me occupied. That something is Brent Fox, of course. Not only had he completely ignored me when I saw him before, but he continued ignoring me for the rest of the day. Even now he won't return my calls, he won't return my texts, and I'm starting to think I really have become invisible.
I watched him mess around with his friends on the lawn at lunch, no action there. I was hopeful he might find me after school while I was working on yearbook, but that was a bust too. As a last ditch effort I even went to baseball practice and waited, but it ended the exact same way. Ms. Montgomery asked me how school went, but I lied and told her it was fine, I don't want her worrying about it. Things have been quiet between us for the last hour or so, but she probably doesn't pay it much mind since I'm acting like I'm watching whatever's on the TV while she's curled up on the couch working on her laptop.
Waiting like this is so cruel, and I've almost broken down and asked her for advice at least ten times now, but I've been able to talk myself out of it so far. I can feel the urge rising up again, so I take out my phone instead, drafting another text to Brent that I'm sure he won't respond to. I linger a little too long before I send it and there's a knock on the door. Ms. Montgomery looks at me the same way I look at her, confirming that neither of us are expecting company, and then she gets up to go see who's come calling.
"Jonah, it's for you." She reveals. I shut the TV off and stand up, just in time as she comes back into the living room with Brent right behind her. Suddenly I'm good enough to earn his favor again, and he offers an apologetic gaze while he shoves his hands in his pockets. He doesn't say anything to me, and I don't say anything to him, but I do turn to glance at Ms. Montgomery, trying to send her a signal without seeming rude. Fortunately she's quick to the draw. "You boys should talk. If you need anything I'll be in the other room."
"So," I shrug when she's gone, subjecting him to my scrutiny. He owes me an explanation, but whatever it is won't take away my God-given right to be pissed. "Are you going to tell me what the hell's going on?"
"Don't be like that, I wasn't trying to be an asshole. What else am I supposed to do? We almost got caught and now Marcus is up my ass about the whole thing, I've got to lay low." Brent's already justified it in his mind, but in all that consideration it doesn't sound like he even bothered thinking where that would leave me.
"This is what you call laying low? I get that you're worried, but what about me? It's been a pretty shitty day, Brent, being ignored doesn't make it better." So many things have already gone wrong but I tell myself it's all in my head, I'm making it worse than it has to be. I try to be patient, I'm hoping for a perfect answer to dissipate the nagging sense of infidelity I have.
"I know it was hard for you, it killed me to stay away, but if we're not careful I'm going to end up in the same boat. What's the point in both of us taking shit? I came over as soon as I could to see how you're doing. I'm here, aren't I?" He steps forward like everything's okay, like I'm going to melt in his arms the same way I always do, like he's still my hero and I don't see through the cracks in his armor. Shockingly I'm not very comforted, and the hand he places on my hip when he steps forward doesn't feel as good as it's supposed to.
"Barely." I tell him quietly, averting my eyes as he waits for me to say something, to forgive him. When I don't his hand falls away and we're left in a perfectly painful silence until I can bring myself to begin again with honesty. "I told you it was going to get bad. I told you to leave if that's what you wanted, but you said you'd stay."
"What do you call this? Come on, it's just a bad day, you're overreacting." Whether he wants to be or not, we are in the same boat. We're both frustrated with where this is going, and when my only response is to shoot him a dirty look he starts to slip. "Are you seriously that pissed because I didn't text you back? I couldn't! People know we used to hang out, we need to be more discreet from now on."
"Discreet? Like on the down low?" The thought is reprehensible, but isn't this the kind of relationship I agreed to? It sounds so pathetic talking about it aloud now, and I feel sick from the idea of being shoved back in the closet because it'll be easier for him. He's selfish, and I can't stand faking it another minute. Fuck the rules, fuck fear, and fuck him. My restraint begins to slip too, but I don't care. "You think today was hard? Try brutal, and now you're saying the only time we can see each other is when you decide to show up here unannounced? No, I'm not here to be convenient for you!"
"That's not what I said. Now who's the asshole?" Brent seems hurt, like I'm putting words in his mouth when I'm actually just straightening them out. "Despite what you might think, it's not all about you, Jonah. This is my life too, I'm just trying to figure out the best way to deal with it, so give me a fucking break! At least I didn't bail on you like Grace or your dad, what more do you want?"
"I want you to show up for me!" I snap, letting go as I smack my palm with the back of my hand. It's so frustrating, how can he be so stupid? "I want you to be the guy who sat across from me in my room and told me we should just tell everyone the truth! Where's that guy now?"
"That was when I thought we didn't have a choice, it's not the same!" He yells back, proving how oblivious he really is. I don't get it, I can see how scared he is and it feels like I should want to reach out to him but I can't. What I'm seeing now is the wakeup call I hadn't realized I needed, and the dead end road we're on is clearer than it's ever been before. He must know that too, somewhere inside. "You were right, okay? It's not like you see in the movies, people suck, I heard the crap everybody was saying about you."
"And you thought what? You'd rather impress your friends than be with me? Grow the fuck up, you can't hide forever!" If only I could make him understand a lesson it took me way too long to learn. My hands throttle the air, desperate for an outlet to express their frustration. "Do you think this is how I wanted to spend the rest of my senior year?"
"How is that my fault? I never once asked you for anything while you were trying to figure your shit out, why can't you do the same? You're selfish!" Suddenly he thinks he's the victim.
"Selfish? Selfish is making me go through this alone. Selfish is you leading me on, making me think you ever wanted something you obviously don't!"
"I'm sick of you blaming me for everything! I'm sorry you're so unhappy, but I can't fix it all for you. This isn't easy for me either, you know? I just want to be able to figure out what the hell I want without the whole goddamn school whispering behind my back."
"This isn't what you want?" Maybe that should've been obvious from the second he ignored me this morning, but it's rough to hear it come out of his mouth. Thinking that this never mattered to him the way it does to me is a bitter pill to swallow, but I feel my way through it to give him something of his own to think about. "At some point you have to make a choice, Brent."
"You don't think I wish things could be different? I want to be with you, Jonah, you've just got to give me time." He acts like he means it, but how can I believe him now? Clearly he doesn't want me as much as I want him, and he certainly doesn't want to be with me enough to stand up and stop being such a coward.
"How much time am I supposed to give you? School's almost over, I've spent the entire year doing things your way. I can't go back to sneaking around, or watching you pretend to be in love with someone else." It's just the way things are, even though I know I'm responsible too. Not only for letting this fucked up thing between us get so far, but because I gave away so many pieces of myself willingly. What has he given me?
"That's not fair, you can't just force me out of the closet like that!" Brent stares at me incredulously, his eyes bugging out like he's never thought it would come to this.
"Well this isn't fair to me! Do you have any idea what I've given up to be with you? The least you can do is be honest with me for once, if this isn't what you want then you need to tell me so we can stop wasting each other's time before it gets any worse." The words spill out, taking their place in the world when I only meant them to be in my head. It's good though, this is how it should be. I've always felt so powerless in my life, and it made me so desperate that I didn't even realize when I was trading one cage for another. The one he's put me in is just much prettier, but now that I've come to see it for what it is I can't go on like this anymore.
"What are you saying?" Whatever he came here expecting tonight, I guess it wasn't this. I can almost see the realization wash over him as he considers the implications of our conversation, and he shakes his head, unwilling to accept the ultimatum. This is the end of the road though, there's nowhere to go, and the second he grasps the decision he'll have to make his voice changes to reflect a hint of sorrow and panic in his frustration. "Don't make me choose. Please, you don't know what you're asking me to do—I'll lose everything!"
"And I've already lost everything." My body goes numb as I wait, starving to hear what he'll say. Part of me thinks I should know my place and take what I'm given, but I know it'll only lead to more heartache. My mind pleads, begging him to choose me, and when he sees how serious I am he turns away and exclaims, making a loud noise to express how torn he is. When he looks at me again his face is twisted in agony, and he closes his eyes as he forces himself to decide.
"I can't." He whispers, giving me the only answer he's capable of—the only answer he was ever capable of. It takes a moment longer for my ears to register, and so I'm left standing there, staring at him like a hopeful fool who knew better than to have any hope at all. Even though I tried to make myself ready it still destroys me, and I put a hand over my mouth as I turn away so he won't see how I'm crying. The room spins and I want to die, but we both know I deserve better, so I make myself stand in front of him one last time. I think this is maybe the bravest thing I've ever done.
"Thank you for finally being honest." Lying comes easier than honesty, I've had almost two decades of practice and it serves me well. In the wake of his choice I'm drained of all my anger, and to stave off the impending wave of despair I choose certainty. "I think it's clear that neither of us are getting what we need. Go, be the guy you want to be, I won't hold you back anymore. It's better this way."
"You don't believe that, I know you don't." Now he's the one who starves, waiting for something more that I won't give him. He's far more patient than I'd been, but eventually he accepts how things are going to be as he shifts to take my place. We've been together for so long now that I think I've seen it all, but he surprises me with one more first as his face goes red and a tear spills over on his cheek. "Fine. But just remember you're the one who chose to walk away here, not me."
I don't try to stop him when he leaves, slamming the door on his way out. It's all too familiar, I understand too well how it's easier to blame someone else. I don't blame anyone this time though, it's my fault for believing his lies in the first place. Don't get me wrong, I'll be mad about it later, like the kind of rage that might tear me in two, but right now I can't feel anything other than the suffocating feeling of grief. Nor should I, I've lost a lot more than just a boyfriend. I lost the first person I ever opened up to, the first guy I kissed, and the first guy I slept with. I lost the first man I ever loved.
I invested so much into him, he became so ingrained to who I was, and now that he's gone I feel incomplete—like a part of me has been ripped off. That's why I can't stop myself from weeping when he leaves, which only draws Ms. Montgomery out from wherever she'd been stationed to listen in to the entire thing. I only welcome her comfort as she puts her arms around me, and I begin the long and painful process of mourning just one more thing I've lost. I find myself in that dark place again, and it's probably a good thing I don't have to be alone right now. My mind is a traitor, and without Brent I begin to wonder what the point of all this has been.