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"Two?" Kyle chokes out. The boy nods his head frantically.
10 Warriors lost. I stagger backwards, clinging to Kyle's arm for balance. He flinches from my touch before gripping my hand. I can't bear to look at his face. I know he's thinking of the worst possibilities and frankly so am I.
The boy nods frantically.
"Which two?" I ask.
"Alarena and Warrior Knoxx." The boy says. Kyle's grip tightens around my palm as he lets out a low groan. I myself, feel a devastating sense of loss for my comrades but it will be nothing compared to how Kyle is feeling. I've experienced the sensation firsthand.
"The rest of them?" I ask.
"We escorted Alarena and Warrior Knoxx to the infirmary under your instruction. He was wild when he returned but we sedated him. He's with Medic two now and ordered me to find both of you and bring you to him for a full status report before the medication tooks its effect. He didn't say anything about the others so I can only presume they have not returned." The boy replies. His eyes round slightly as Kyle's breath catched in his throat, releasing a strangled, agonised moan.
"Oh." The boy gasps, eventually taking note of Kyle's reaction.. "Warrior Hicks I'm so sorry."
"They're in the infirmary?" I enquire.
"Yes." The boy responds. I nod to Kyle and pull him forward, leaving the boy behind. He stumbles over his feet, relunctantly keeping up with my pace. We pass Suzi and the Medic who is still busy treating her leg.
"Lara slow down. I need some time to process this before I find out what happened." Kyle says.
"You don't know whats happened Kyle; it may not be what you think." I reply sadly.
"Why would you say something like that Lara? The ones that haven't come back are the ones who are not coming back." Kyle frowns.
"There is no point in thinking that way until you know for sure." I reply.
Kyle glares at me. "You have no idea what this is like Lara. This is my brother's life we're talking about." He hisses.
I scowl back at him. I have every inkling of the detrimental inflictions of the loss of a loved one. He doesn't understand that though - I've never told him about Izzy.
"I know that it's not just any old person, I know that there are possibilities that Nathan.." I trail off, unable to finish the sentence as I look into Kyle's eyes. The thought of Nathan no longer being around must be nauseauting for him. I clear my throat. "But we need to consider the lives of the others who were on that mission as well. They're just as important and we cannot neglect them to focus our sole attention of Nathan when they've risked their lives for the STO as well."
Kyle shakes his head and stalks off, lengthening his strides. I roll my eyes. He's supposed to be the one in charge at the moment.
"Kyle, wait." I call. He doesn't slow down. I sigh and skip up to his side. When I reach him, his head turns sharply to face me.
"Nothing matters to you apart from Jared does it?" He snaps.
Ouch. My brows furrow in hurt at his malicious comment. I stop walking, staring after him in disbelief.
"Excuse me?" I say, stunned.
"I said that nothing matters to you apart from Jared." Kyle repeats. "You're not even sympathetic when my brother is dead. I've stood by you, shielded you from the moment we met. I refused to listen to the rumours that you were insane, weak, an emotional wreck even before I knew you because I thought that somebody who managed to conquer the heart of a Torpen was worth respecting. You speak about Nathan as though he was just a stranger."
I squint in disbelief. This can't be the same Kyle who was earlier professing his 'love' for me.
"If I only thought of Jared then am I not with him now? I don't speak of Nathan as a stranger, he's been a friend to me." I choke out. "I don't want to think of the worst situation before we've even established what has happened because I'm been through this before."
"No you haven't Lara." Kyle says derisively, shaking his head. His jeering scoffs finally cause my tolerance to reach its limit.
"I've been through this exact situation Kyle." I say through gritted teeth. Kyle raises his eyebrows scornfully. "My sister was murdered when I was 17."
Kyle's whole resolve begins to crumble as I stride past him. The previous time I recounted the incident involving my sister to Jared and Carlisle, I hazed. That was a mere few months ago. I feel mournful and incomplete somehow but then I also feel as if I can handle it; as if I'm no longer going to haze at the most meagre events. It is as if my Caritas self has lessened its control over my body.
"I'm sorry." Kyle says, grabbing onto my arm. He looks guilty but then his words contained so much raw venom. No matter how furious or hurt he was, there's no way those feelings could have been brewed on the spot. Clearly, there were underlying emotions.
"Okay."
"I mean it Lara - I didn't mean what I said. I'm just-"
"Terrified? Beating yourself up because you should have been there? Useless? Sad for the loss of the qualities that your sister brought to your life?" I shrug, swallowing the omnipresent lump in my throat.
"I guess you do know how it feels then." Kyle whispers.
"Nobody understands more than I do." I reply. Our voices have suddenly become soft and docile as all the rage from our argument dissipates, scratching away the surface to reveal the bare layer of vulnerability.
"How did it happen?"
"Torpens."
"And you still managed to bond with Jared?" Kyle asks. I nod my head slowly. He exhales heavily. "It seems my initial interpretation of you was wrong - you're more remarkable than I originally anticipated."
"Or more stupid." I counter. "Foolish enough to fall for a Torpen despite the circumstances and the past."
"Love is never stupid Lara." Kyle says.
I nod my head and begin to walk off down the hall again. Kyle pursues me, until he's closes enough to curl his fingers around mine and pull me into his side. He breathes softly on my hair as I grip tightly to his back.
"I still need to move on Lara." He says, his lips in my hair.
"I know."
We walk the rest of the way to the infirmary in silence. When we're arrive, we're greeted by Medic two (or John) who shows us to his office, where he's treated Iron. The white Medic's coat over John's suit symbolises his position and role. Its already sealed so we cannot see in. Before we enter, I peer to my right to see Zena's office is also sealed up. I'll have to visit later.
"Warrior Knoxx has few injuries but we had to sedate him upon his arrival; he kept insisting that he had to go back.The trauma or separation from Alarena may have caused this irrational behaviour." The Medic says.
I sigh with relief at the sight of Ally on the right hand side of the office and Iron on the left. They're both asleep on Medic beds with tubes, oxygen masks and drips surrounding them like a tangled mess of vines in a jungle.
"John where are the other members of the mission?" Kyle asks urgently. The Medic sighs and places a hand on Kyle's shoulder.
"I'm so sorry Warrior Hicks. The others have not returned and judging from the state of Alarena and Iron, I can only imagine that they stayed behind to fight while Iron brought Alarena back here. I'm afraid their statistics of survival are highly unlikely."
The wind leaves Kyle's lungs far too quickly. They're not coming back. Nathan is gone. I blink back a few tears, trying hold it together. I step forward for a hug but he immediately backs away. I remember the last time that Kyle has feared he'd lost Nathan. He was quiet and barely spoke. That is his survival mechanism.
"Kyle go back to the compartment and take the rest of the day off." I instruct.
Just breathe Lara.
He nods, avoiding all eye contact. He won't want anyone to see him break down - thats one his most admirable traits. I can't begin to express my deepest sympathy for him because I know nothing even comes near to the loss you feel. Nathan and I were never close but we were team mates. I knew he would always have my back no matter what.
I turn back to John who gazes on at me pitifully.
"We can do this later if you should wish?" He enquires.
I swallow and wipe off a stray tear. "No, I need a full status report now."
"Unfortunately I do not know the mission report - I can only inform you of the health of Alarena and Iron. We need to wait for them to wake up to find out the details of the mission." He says, walking over to his desk and picking up a clipboard.
"Can you not wake him up?" I sigh, making my way over to Iron's bedside. He looks tranquil or perhaps the more accurate syntax is tranquilized. His right forearm, rests on top of his blanketed thigh and is bandaged.
"I'm afraid not Warrior Hall - I had to use a strong sedative to keep him under control" John says.
What could possibly have made Iron quite so crazed?
He glances down at his clipboard. "It seems the only substantial injury he sustained is a deep gash to the right forearm. Apart from that he is unscathed."
"He's a good fighter." I say softly.
"He will have had to be very good to have returned alive and with Alarena." John notes.
"How is she?" I ask, moving away from Iron and over to Ally's bed.
As I get closer to her side, her appearance no longer seems peaceful. Up close you can see the bruises, the cuts and the emaciated quality of her body. Her skin is stretched taut over her bones and her eyes seem to have sunk into her head. They've done it again. I'm racked with sickening guilt as I remember that she volunteered for this because of me. She thought that it was what she had to do to earn my friendship.
John says. "She is badly malnourished, dehydrated and her body has shut down from the abuse she has suffered. I've induced her into a coma to try and allow her wounds some time to recover." He points up to the numerous drips. "I'm putting her on calcium, protein and iron supplements as well as an oxygen supply."
"She's on life support?" I ask.
"Yes."
"What are her chances?" I ask hesitantly.
"At the moment, her prospects are that she will not survive." My face falls. "Her body is very weak and she may not have the strength to come out of the coma. I've done as much as I can Lara. Its up to her now to choose whether she lives or dies." He says.
My eyes flutter shut as I exhale heavily. My fists clench as I realise my world is rapidly becoming a vast oblivion, deprived of the few people I love and the numbers are depleting themselves.
"An unsuccessful mission." I mumble but John seems to hear.
"Quite the opposite Lara. I know you are young and new to sacrifice but this was a successful mission. Alarena was retrieved which was the sole purpose for the expedition. There had to be some reparations for such a risky mission." He says, shrugging his white-clothed shoulders.
I squint at the Medic. His aggravating words do nothing to soothe the aching pain of loss. "I am in no way new to sacrifice Medic two. A mission where we have lost ten men can never be considered a success - perhaps a oblation for the STO but definitely not a success."
"I'm sorry Warrior Hall. I did not mean to speak out of turn."
"Please inform me the second that Iron wakes up." I choke out my words. "Do not allow any one other than myself, Kyle or Zena into this room. Is that understood?"
"Yes Warrior Hall." John says. I nod and walk swiftly towards the door, biting my lip to try and hold myself together. Both Ally and Nathan, lost to me with no real indication if I'll ever even be able to see them again.
As soon as I'm out in the hallway, I turn to the left. My tears overflow and course down my cheeks. I sob as I dash into Medic 1's office. My eyes blur but I can see Zena stand up and rush over.
"Lara what is wrong?" She asks, her violet eyes wide and confused.
"I need to speak to Jared." I sob.
"I'm sorry sweetheart, he's asleep." She says, wrapping her arm around me. I sniff and glance up Jared. He's propped up against pillows with a morphine drip entering his elbow and bandages covering the damaged areas. Zena has cleaned him up well.
"I assume John informed you of Ally's condition." She asks. I nod my head miserably. She rubs my arm much like my mother used to.
"Zena would you mind if I just sat in here with Jared alone?"
She smiles kindly. "Of course. I'll go and check up on Ally and take some tests. There isn't much we can do but perhaps John and I can think of something."
"Thank you Zena." I say gratefully.
She elegantly glides to the door, in the way only she could in those heels and tight business dress. The door slides open but she hesitates.
"Lara, don't expect him to wake up." She says, nodding her head towards Jared. "It seems Ally is not the only one who has been maltreated."
I begin to panic. "Will he be ok?"
"He'll be fine Lara. He's still impeccably strong considering the infliction on his body. The only permanent damage may be some trauma, scars and night terrors but other than that he should make a full recovery. Rest is the best healer."
"Good." I reply.
"He kept asking for you and about how you've been."
"I only saw him this morning." I respond, not mentioning the fact that he is always on my mind. Maybe Kyle is right - I don't think I am able to comprehend anything that doesn't involve Jared.
Don't be ridiculous.
"Did you say anything."
"No." Zena replies shortly. "It is not my place and it is hardly professional. Though, speaking as your friend, when I asked him if he could tell me what happened to him, he volunteered the information willingly; most patients don't do that because they don't want the memories of the violence. I don't think he's a spy Lara and I don't think he came here because he was being tortured. Admittedly, his wounds are plentiful but he would have been able to survive for at least another two weeks. The worst pains he would have experienced are the breaking of your bond, your separation and a very significant amount of regret and guilt."
I whimper. "What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that he loves you Lara no matter what he's done." Zena says.
"But why? We don't have a bond?" I ask.
Zena shrugs. Her rich, chocolate skin seems to shimmer as she moves. "You'll figure it out. I'll go and check on Iron and Ally now." She smiles and the door slides closed behind her.
I sigh. Slowly, I relieve the door of my gaze and trail over to sit on the chair beside Jared. For the first time in what feels like a millenium, I'm able to finally just be next to him. It is as if I've found my place in the world once again. The room is silent apart from Jared's slow, shallow breaths and my deep, controlled ones.
I sit with him for hours. I cry, wail and weep for the first hour until my throat becomes dry and I realise I'm no longer able to sob. Then I begin to talk to him. I tell him about everything. What I've been doing over the past few weeks and then when I've told him everything about that time period, I go back further to the start of when I joined the STO. The boy in the street, Ally's trial and even Vicarius and the blackmailing letters. I recount the incident with the Auctor and Suzi, thanking the fates for not allowing him to steal either myself or Suzi away. Eventually, my tongue becomes loose and reveals the dark secrets of the command of my Torpen. I now understand how courageous he was to fight his Torpen, when he could have easily become the assasin the Torpen nature itches to be.
I reveal my feelings during the last few weeks; my masked facade of pretending to be alright. I tell him he is a colossal idiot as well as a string of various other insulting remarks. Kyle even protrudes into the conversation as I recall his lifeline support and then the loss of Nathan and the rescue mission. I sniff my way through the account of Iron and Ally's detrimental health. Even after all that, I don't let my fingers give in to temptation and touch him. His skin calls to me.
I resist it though because if I touch him then part of myself will die. I'll allow myself false hope and the impression that everything could go back to normal. When I voice these thoughts to the unconcious Jared, my renowned tears prick my eyes once more because I wish that I could be with him. I want to hold him and tell him that I love him. All I want is to smile fondly down at him as he looks at me in the way that he used to. This is the happiest I have been in months.
For a second I'm paralysed by such desperate longing to remain in this moment forever. Where I have created this illusionary world where I'm loved and cherished. That Jared and I could be like this.
I shake my head sadly. I can't be here anymore - not with him here as well. I need to transfer to another base. Because Kyle was right. I love Jared more than anything in this world and I don't have the willpower to live by his side as a friend or a colleague or as anything apart from a lover.
"I love you." I whisper. Sadly, I drop my fingers to brush his one final time and stand to leave. I wipe off a final tear and turn to the door.
"I love you too." His croaky voice echoes around the room.
I spin back around to see him, eyes wide open and smiling softly at me.
"You've really done all of that since you've been here?" He asks quietly. His eyes focus in on my face and his arms beckon for me to come closer. Slowly I stumble towards him.
"You were listening?" I ask, slightly baffled.
"Right from the beginning." He admits, patting the space beside him on the bed. I stay on my feet to make sure I remain grounded.
"You were asleep?"
"I woke up because I could feel you next to me. You had just begun to talk about what you'd doing recently. Once you'd started talking..." He hesitates. "...I didn't want you to stop."
"Why didn't you just tell me you were awake?" I exclaim.
He smiles and shakes his head slightly. "Because I knew you would be completely honest with me if you didn't think I could hear you."
I clear my throat awkwardly.
"You heard everything?" I ask sheepishly. He nods his head and feebly reaches for my hand. When our skin touches, everything comes back. The electricity, the tingles, the butterflies and most importantly, all the feelings.
"Will you ever be able to forgive me?" He enquries sadly. His beautiful eyes are filled with hope alongside pleading desperation.
"You were forgiven the moment you came back." I whisper, thinking about what Zena said.
"Lara, you have to know that pretending not to love you was the hardest thing I've ever done. I told you earlier that the reason I came the STO was because I was being tortured." He winces. "That was a reason, but the only reason I came back was for you."
I nod mutely. "You thought breaking our bond would keep me safe?" I whisper.
"No, I thought it would keep you alive and that was the best alternative to being with you." He says.
"You have odd ideas to keep me safe." I mutter. Jared chuckles.
"It was enough to get the information I needed about the Sicarii." He nods. I smile sadly as I remember his unconventional methods to protect me.
"Did you mean it when you said that you loved me?" He asks.
"Yes." I reply. "Why?"
"Because I'm never letting you go again." He says. Tugging my hand and bringing my body close enough so that he can encircle his waist. He's the same height as I am when he sits up in the bed so I can see his gaze fall evidently to my lips.
And when our lips touch, I feel myself become whole again. My insides quiver as I feel the broken pieces slowly fit back into their place.