1983
Apparently, all those years of wanting something you think you can't have, leads to some insanely pent-up desire. We couldn't get enough of each other. All he had to do was look at me with those gorgeous blue eyes, and I was dragging him off to the bedroom. Or an innocent smile thrown in his direction, and I'd suddenly find myself trapped underneath his body as his hands and lips took me over the edge. Not that either of us was complaining. We were always touching each other, even if it was just linking fingers or a hand laying casually on the other's thigh, we were never not touching. I'm sure it was nauseating to be around, but we didn't give a shit.
The best though was after a gig, whether it was mine or his. The energy from performing heightened the sexual dynamic between the two of us to a whole other level. Watching him perform would send me into such a state of arousal, sitting still was almost impossible. He'd get off the stage with his chest bare and sweaty, and the look in his eyes was almost enough to make me orgasm without even touching me. He'd come find me right away, toweling the sweat from his face as he'd pull me to him. Sometimes his kisses were tender and gentle, but more often they were raw and rough, as if our physical connection were an extension of the music.
James, Dave, and Lars eventually found a house to share just north of Berkeley in the town of El Cerrito. It was a short drive from my place, and we wore a permanent groove into the roads that led between our two homes. I was as comfortable at his place as he was at mine, though more often we slept at my place, since the guys were relentless in teasing us about our more intimate activities. Lars I didn't mind so much, but Dave would still undress me with his eyes, and I hated knowing that he was listening in on James and me when we had sex. It felt creepy. Still, the boys having their own place meant that they weren't all bunking at my place and making a mess, and they had plenty of room to practice.
Their first gig with Cliff took place in early March back at The Stone in San Francisco. It was a huge success, and it was clear that the change to the band's line-up was the right move. Even Kelly was in agreement as she'd joined me on the sidelines to watch the new bass player's debut.
After watching Cliff decimate the stand alone bass solo that he'd written, Kel turned to me with eyes wide. "Wow, I never knew he was that good." She looked back at the band as they pounded out the next song, the crowd losing their shit as they thrashed along to the bullet speed of Whiplash. "If Ron saw this Lei, he'd agree this was the right move for Metallica, replacing him with Cliff. He may not admit it yet, but I think he's kinda relieved...now that some time has passed and he's had some time to think on it."
"I'm really happy to hear you say that Kel. Jamie misses him, I hope someday soon they'll be able to reconnect as friends."
"You never know." Kel shrugged, before bumping her shoulder into mine. "No matter what though, you and I are good. Their drama is totally not our drama. Right?"
"Hell yeah!"
We grinned at each other and went back to watching the show, keeping one eye on the band and one eye out for flying bodies.
No sooner had the boys made the Bay Area their permanent home, then they got an offer to come out to the East Coast to play a series of gigs that had been lined up for them by an owner of a New Jersey record store who'd heard their demo and was blown away. Jonny Zazula and his wife Marsha were so impressed with what they heard on the No Life 'til Leather demo the band had recorded the previous summer, they'd sent the boys money to rent a U-Haul and booked them into various clubs around the New York and New Jersey area. Of course the guys jumped at the chance to get their music heard outside of California, so they packed up their gear and prepared to drive across the country.
Saying goodbye was hard for Jamie and me both. We hadn't spent a day apart in months and our relationship was still so new, we weren't prepared to spend time apart yet. Still, this was too good an opportunity to pass up and I wasn't going to make things even harder by showing how much it was tearing me up to say goodbye. We locked ourselves away for days before they departed, making love over and over, talking, holding each other, but it was still painful as he gave me one last hug and one last tender kiss before climbing into the truck. I kept it together as they pulled away and drove down the street, but the moment they turned the corner, I sat down hard on the curb and cried my eyes out. Eventually I dragged myself home and moped for the rest of the day. The phone rang after 9 o'clock at night and I knew it was James.
"Hey baby, it's me. Callin' from somewhere in bum fuck Nevada."
"I was worried whether the U-haul would make it over the Sierras."
He chuckled a little and the sound made my heart soar.
"Yeah, well the truck won't be breakin' any land speed records, but it got us this far." He paused for a moment, and I could hear as he took a deep breath. "Howya doin'? That was rough this mornin'."
I tried to play it off so he wouldn't worry. "I'm fine. Just did some cleaning, and read, and made a stew, and—"
"Leila, I didn't ask what you were doin', I asked how yer doin'. Baby, you don't hafta pretend with me."
"I'm ok," I said quietly, willing the tears to hold off. "Maybe not ok, but I will be at some point."
"I...I know how hard it was to say goodbye." His voice sounded hoarse. "I feel like there's this rock in my stomach that won't go away. I miss you bad and it hasn't even been a day. I don't wanna do this without you, but I know I have to." I heard him let out a breath. "This morning when you said goodbye, you were so strong and you tried so hard not to let me know how much you were hurtin'...but I know you are...cuz I am too." He paused for a moment and I could hear him take another deep breath. "I dunno what I did to deserve you Lei, but I sure as hell know what a fuckin' miracle you are."
His sweet words almost sent me over the edge. "Jamie"—I took a steadying breath—"I didn't wanna be like this...I don't wanna make this harder."
"It's already harder, but knowin' yer tryin' to carry it all on yer own makes it worse. You hafta let me help you Leila, you hafta know you can always be honest with how yer feelin'."
"I know. It's just...I...I didn't wanna give you any reason to regret leavin'," I mumured softly.
He was quiet for a moment, but when he finally spoke, his voice was thick with emotion. "Leila...you don't even know how much I love you for sayin' that. I wish I could hold you, but I'm gonna sit here on the phone and you let it out baby. I'm holdin' yer hand right now, can you feel me? I'm holdin' yer hand."
I did what he asked, and let myself cry while he sat quietly on the other end of the phone line, his shaky breathing an indication that he was struggling too. Finally I took a long breath, feeling more than a little silly for being such a mess. We spoke lovingly then, whispering endearments and tender nonsensical things that made each other laugh and blush. By the time I got off the phone my mood was hugely improved, and instead of feeling sad, I was feeling incredibly blessed to have Jamie in my life. Yes we were apart for a time, but he loved me no matter the distance, no matter the separateness of our lives.
That stayed with me over the weeks to come as the band settled in temporarily thousands of miles away. Almost the moment they arrived in Jersey, Lars, James and Cliff came to the decision to boot Dave from the band. Not that it was a surprise to anyone but Dave, but bad feelings and behavior had been brewing for a long time. His aggressiveness when he drank was getting worse. He started fights with the guys in the band or people in the crowds, he disrespected the other guys' personal property and space, he was generally a dick when inebriated, and everyone was tired of waiting to see what outrageous thing he'd do next. The worse though, at least as far as James was concerned, was his constant skeevy behavior towards me. Even though Jamie and I were officially a couple, it didn't stop Dave from leering and ogling at me, making lewd comments about my body, and propositioning me at every turn. A few days before they left, Dave really stepped over the line one night. If not for Lars begging James to let the guitarist stay, Mustaine would've been out of the band sooner. If not for the intervention of our friends, he would've ended up in the hospital.
The guys had played their second gig with Cliff and it had gone really well. Well at least for everyone but Dave. He'd been a drunken mess before the show even started, and his guitar playing had been sloppy and he could barely talk, so James had done all of the onstage banter with the crowd. Over the last year, he'd become much more comfortable on stage, and paired with his astonishing musicianship, he owned the audience that night. It was clear to me, and I was guessing Dave too, that Jamie was moving into his role as the front man of the band and Dave's ego couldn't handle the competition.
After the show, we all headed over to the Metallica Mansion, as it had been immediately dubbed, with a bunch of the East Bay crew and other friends. Liquor and beer were flowing and everyone was having a great time, and we didn't notice at first how Dave's drinking was making him darker and angrier. Jamie and I stayed close through the night, talking and laughing with our friends and slipping away to make-out from time to time. We both were on cloud nine. Between being together, the growing popularity of both our bands, and their move up north, things were really going great for both of us. I know I was glowing with love and probably grinning like an idiot all the time, but I didn't care. In fact, it was because I was so in my own head, that I didn't notice Dave's eyes watching me throughout the night, or sense him follow me out to the garage when I volunteered to get more beers from the second fridge that was kept out in the rehearsal space. James was using the bathroom and Lars was pouring shots when he shouted out for someone to get more beers. No one responded, so shrugging my shoulders, I headed out back.
The air was cool and felt good on my skin, and I could see a few stars struggling to be seen in the suburban night sky. Pausing to look up I took a deep breath, and that's when I finally sensed I wasn't alone. Spinning around, I watched warily as Dave stepped out of the dark; I knew immediately that he wasn't there with me by chance. Trying to appear relaxed, I casually circled back towards the house, but his voice stopped me.
"Headin' back inside already? Ya didn't get whatcha came for."
I kept my tone neutral. "I'm gonna go get Lars or James to help me carry the beers back."
"Why dontcha just ask me Leila?" He stepped closer, and I had to force myself to not retreat. "I mean, is James the only one who can handle such a complicated job? I guess we should all be so fuckin' grateful that we have James to rely on for everything," he sneered. "What the fuck would we all do without his capable hands to lead us? What the fuck would the band do without him to sing the songs he wrote and be the big fuckin' man on stage?" He leaned in closer, the smell of booze coming off him was overpowering. "And what the fuck would you do Leila without his cock to keep you satisfied?"
Now I was pissed.
"It's obvious yer so fuckin' jealous Dave, you can't even see straight. You know you'll never be half the man Jamie is, and it's fuckin' eatin' you alive."
Maybe that wasn't the smartest thing to say to someone in Dave's current state. His eyes narrowed dangerously and he reached out and grabbed me by the arm, hauling me up against him. I wasn't scared as much as wary of what he'd do.
He stared down at me for a moment, his eyes moving over my face. "What does Hetfield have that I don't? Why does he get to touch you and I get told to go to hell? I'm in hell Leila, dontcha see? Just need to touch ya a little..." He leaned closer and ran fingers over my face. "So fuckin beautiful, so soft..."
My eyes widened in horror as I realized Dave was leaning in to kiss me. Putting a hand on his chest, I pushed back against him as hard as I could. "Don't even think about it Dave. Just let go and I'll pretend like this never happened."
"One kiss Lei, let me feel those lips just once. I wanna know what it's like to—"
He never finished the sentence, because suddenly I was being yanked out of his grip. I looked up expecting to see Jamie, but was surprised and relieved to see Cliff instead. Letting go of my arm, he shoved Dave away from me with the other hand.
"What the fuck do you think yer doin' asshole?" Cliff was pissed.
"I wasn't doin' anything. Just wanted a kiss."
"And she told you no...but from where I was standin', you weren't takin' no for an answer were ya?" Dave grumbled some kind of expletive and tried to walk away, but Cliff grabbed his arm and held him tight as he looked at him with a penetrating gaze. "Uh uh, you don't get to just walk away. Leila's my friend, James is my friend, and I don't like it when someone tries to pull shit with my friends." I could see by Dave's wince that Cliff was squeezing his arm. "So from now on, you keep it in yer pants. You don't look at her funny, you don't even think about her. If you do, I will fuck you up, and then I'll let James loose on ya."
Dave paled under the threat, and for a moment, I almost felt bad for him. Almost.
"Hey, is the party out here?"
Jamie's voice came from behind me as he came out the back door. Even though I wasn't looking at his face, I could sense him taking in the scene and realizing something was off. His next words confirmed it.
"What's goin' on?" He stepped into my peripheral view and I could see him looking between the three of us, taking in Cliff's grim face as he held Dave firmly by the arm. "Ok...I'm gonna ask again, what the hell is goin' on out here?"
Nobody spoke up, so he stalked over and forced me to look at him. His eyes narrowed as he took in my pale face. "What the fuck did he do Leila? Did he touch you? Did he fuckin' touch you?!"
"Jamie—"
He never let me finish as he let go of me and lunged at Dave. "Yer dead fucker!"
Cliff wisely let go of Dave just as Jamie tackled the guitarist hard, sending them both crashing to the ground. They both landed a few punches before Cliff intervened by grabbing and pulling James away, while a couple of the East Bay crew ran outside and grabbed Dave. Everyone was quiet for a moment, except for the sound of Jamie and Dave breathing heavy as they glared at each other. I was too nervous to breathe.
"James." It was Cliff who spoke first. "I think you should take Leila home. She looks like she's about to pass out."
I could see Jamie struggling with his fury as he turned to look at me. Our eyes caught and held and his anger was quickly replaced with concern. Coming over, he took my hand in his and led us towards the back door.
Pausing before going inside, he spoke over his shoulder without turning around. "I'm done with you Mustaine. I'll play music with ya and that's it."
After that night, things were tense in the band. Cliff and James were disgusted with their guitarist and even Lars was finally onboard with making a change. They'd already had their eye on a San Francisco native named Kirk Hammett, who we'd first seen play with his band Exodus on James' birthday down in L.A. I'd even jokingly suggested Kirk as a replacement for Dave; life proves to have an ironic sense of humor sometimes when you least expect it. They flew Kirk out to New York while Dave was handed a cross-country bus ticket. The whole thing left a bad taste in my mouth and I know it did for the other guys too, but Dave had made his bed. I had no doubt he'd land on his feet, he usually did.
The Zazula's had booked the boys into a number of venues over the month of April, and from Jamie's regular phone calls, Kirk was fitting in like he'd been there from day one. On the flip side of things, they were all bouncing from one living situation to another and partying pretty heavily with an East Coast crew of metal heads they'd dubbed the Old Bridge Militia. I tried not to be worried about him, but I was anyway.
By the beginning of May, the boys had signed with the Zazula's newly minted record company Megaforce Records, with the intent to record their first album. A few weeks later, they went into a studio in Rochester, NY to record Kill 'Em All, which was the latest working title after Metal Up Your Ass didn't fly with the management types. Jamie was over the moon of course, though he was scared shitless about recording their first real album. So much was riding on it, he was worried whether the songs he'd written were good enough, whether his playing was good enough, whether his vocals were good enough. Every day he'd call me before they went in to record, and even though it was early on the West Coast, I didn't care as long as I got to hear his voice. I'd talk him through his anxiety, and he'd talk out loud train of thought style, working out arrangements, riffs, and vocals, while I listened and gave my two cents.
Even though we were in constant contact, I missed him terribly. There was an entire continent between us and I felt that distance every day. I knew he was feeling it too and I knew it was one of the reasons he was drinking so much. All the pressure he was putting on himself because of the album, the stress of being away from home, worrying about how I was doing; it was all piling on his head and he was numbing himself the best way he knew how. The moment I was done with finals before summer break, I was on the first flight to the East Coast.
~
Staring out the window, I watched as the ground came up swiftly to meet the plane as we landed on the tarmac. I could barely contain my excitement as I tapped my knee unconsciously, willing the plane to get to the gate as fast as possible. I was vaguely aware of the middle aged woman sitting next to me smiling in sympathy at my nervous energy. We'll fallen into conversation a third of the way into the flight and I knew that she was heading home to see her husband and two kids after attending a college friend's wedding, while she knew that I was seeing my boyfriend for the first time in two and a half months and that I was barely holding it together.
The plane came to a stop and I took a breath and waited impatiently while the people forward from where I sat, funneled off first.
"Leila." Wendy, the woman next to me, was handing me a piece of paper. "Here's the number for my friend in Rochester with the apartment building. I'll let him know to expect your call."
Wendy lived outside of Buffalo but had a close family friend who owned property in Rochester, including a few rental properties that were leased out to college students during the school year. She was certain he'd have something available for short term since the band was scheduled to record for at least another two weeks. I knew the guys were sleeping on floors and couches but I wasn't as keen on doing the same. Giving her a hug of gratitude, we said our farewells and headed off the plane.
Walking up the gangway towards the terminal, with each step, I got more and more nervous. When we'd last seen each other, things were still so new in our relationship; now that we'd had time apart, was Jamie rethinking being together? Were his feelings as strong as before? Did he still even want me? I was scared to know the answers, but I resisted running back onto the plane like I was tempted to.
Walking into the waiting area, I looked around for James as I walked slowly through the throngs of family and friends waiting for their loved ones to debark the plane. All around me, people were giving and receiving teary hugs and kisses, and it only seemed to compound my fear that James wouldn't be as happy to see me as all these people were to see each other. Passing through the waiting area, I stopped at the edge of what seemed to be the main corridor that connected the various gates. People were walking past or milling around, but no Jamie. Maybe he wasn't coming. Maybe my fears were valid after all.
"Leila!"
The sound of my name being shouted came from a distance, but I knew that voice. Spinning around, I could see Jamie sprinting through the terminal, barely missing an elderly gentleman who'd stopped short to adjust his jacket. Before I could even crack a relieved smile, he was scooping me into his arms and hugging me tight. I'm pretty sure I was laughing and crying at that point.
"I...I thought you weren't c...coming." Tears made it difficult to speak.
Loosening his hold just enough, he looked down at me, his face just as much a mix of emotions as mine.
"I'd never not come for you baby." He cupped my cheek as he gazed at me, the brightness of his eye dimming for a moment. "I...I was half afraid you wouldn't be on the plane."
I closed my eyes in relief and shame. He was just as scared as me. We were both such idiots.
"I'd never not come for you baby," I said softly, repeating his words.
"My beautiful Leila...god I missed you so much."
His lips came down hard against mine, and we stood there in the middle of the Buffalo airport, uncaring of who was watching as his mouth moving hungrily over mine. As we clung to each other, the months apart melted away as our hands and lips reacquainted. Finally we came up for air, laughing in embarrassment as we realized the gate had cleared, all the other passengers having headed to baggage claim.
He brushed fingers over my flushed cheeks as he smiled shyly. "I guess we should get yer stuff."
"Mmmhmm," I agreed, as I felt his hand slip around my waist to keep me near as we walked slowly towards the exit.
He caught me up on the goings on at the recording sessions, while I gave him an update on school and all our friends back home. Though we were talking and acting normal, I could sense the hum of energy that was flowing between us, steadily gaining in intensity with each passing minute. Every casual touch or catch of the eye was layered with an undercurrent of desire and need that wouldn't wait that much longer to be satisfied. Now that we were reunited, I needed to get this boy alone to fuck his brains out.
It was easy to find my bag since most everyone else had already gotten theirs and left. James grabbed my suitcase, and keeping my hand in his, led us out to the arrivals pick-up area. Apparently one of their new East Coast buddies had driven James to meet me, and we waited on the curb for him to come back around. Jamie wrapped his arms around me and leaned in for another kiss. I was moaning into his mouth, my hands tangled in his hair, when a car honked its horn next to us, startling us both.
Lifting his head, Jamie smiled down at me wryly. "That'd be Metal Joe."
"Metal Joe?" I arched an amused eyebrow. "Is that yer doin'?"
"Not sure what yer implyin' Short Stack," he teased, grinning wide as he released his hold on me.
A big burly guy with unruly hair climbed out of the car and came around to where we were standing. He opened his mouth, I assumed to give James shit about something, but then promptly closed it when he saw me. His eyes kind of bugged out of his head for a moment as he continued staring. Jamie rolled his eyes and went to put my bag in the trunk while I walked over to introduce myself to Joe.
"Hi Joe"—I stuck out my hand—"I'm Leila."
He tore his gaze from my face to look down at my hand as if it was some alien appendage that had just burst from my stomach. Finally he put his hand in mine, but with utmost gentleness, as if he was afraid I would break on contact.
"I'm Joe," he stated shyly, seeming to forget that I already knew his name.
I smothered a laugh as I shook his hand. His cheeks flushed, and I decided I liked Joe with his rough exterior but marshmallow interior. Jamie came back around from putting my stuff in the trunk. Peripherally I could see him take in the scene, my hand still encased in Joe's, the love struck look on the other guy's face.
Sighing, he firmly pulled my hand from Joe's. "Let's get goin'." Joe didn't seem to hear him, so James gave him a shove on the shoulder. "Dude, let's go."
Joe gave me an apologetic smile, and before James could do so, he quickly went to open the rear passenger door. I smiled at his gallantness, which only made him blush harder and caused him to almost close the door on Jamie who was about to climb in after me. Finally we were all settled and Joe maneuvered the car out into the street. I caught him looking at us from the rearview mirror.
"Shit James, when you was sayin' yer girl was the most beautiful girl you'd ever seen, I thought you was talkin' outta yer ass, but she sure as shit is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen too."
"Wait till ya hear her sing."
'Wait, you sing too?"
That echoed a sentiment of Lars' from years earlier, and had Jamie and I doubled over in laughter as Joe negotiated us through the airport traffic and out onto the highway.
It took over an hour to get to Rochester, where the band's recording sessions were happening. James kept me snugged up tight in his arms as we alternated between making conversation with Joe and kissing. Eventually the kissing won out as we became consumed with touching each other, despite the presence of Joe in the front seat. I should have cared, but Jamie's lips on my lips, his tongue tangling hotly with mine, and his hands creeping under my shirt to stroke at my bare skin, had any embarrassment I might have felt, thrown out the window of the moving car.
"Jamie," I gasped against his lips, my eyes pleading with him for more.
"I know baby, I need you so bad." His voice was rough. "Soon, I promise. We'll find a hotel tonight and I already told the guys I'm not comin' in tomorrow."
"I may be able to do one better than that. I have a lead on a short term rental. I'll call the guy when we get to the studio and see if I can arrange something."
He gazed down at me, his eyes shining with admiration. "Gorgeous, funny, smart and well connected. My girl is the shit."
"And don't forget what I can do with my tongue," I whispered naughtily as I swiped it along his lower lip.
James' entire body convulsed at my words and touch. His eyes were burning bright with lust as he stared down at me, his hand creeping up under my shirt to caress my breasts. Before we got carried away, Joe let out a cough and announced we had arrived. Reluctantly, we pulled apart and straightened our clothes and hair.
A few minutes later, I was being hugged to death by Lars and then, to a lesser extent, by Cliff. There were a few hectic moments as we all talked over each other catching each other up on things back at home and what they'd been doing while they'd been out East. Then they made a big deal out of introducing me to Kirk, and I felt an immediate kinship to the soft spoken guitarist with the soulful eyes. It felt so good to be back with all of them again, and feeling Jamie's hand in mine was the icing on the cake.
Eventually James took me to an office where I was able to contact Wendy's friend. It turned out that a number of units were available and he was willing to lease me a one bedroom for three weeks with an option to go longer if necessary. The price was really good compared to housing in the Bay Area, and we got an even better deal since a lot of his properties went empty over the summer. Agreeing to meet him in an hour to get the keys and give our payment, we hung out at the studio long enough to have a beer before heading over. Joe offered to take us and it turned out to be a short drive, which was perfect since we didn't have a car and would be walking a lot. We met the owner right away and he showed us the place. It was clean, furnished, and had enough kitchen stuff that we could cook our own meals. We'd have to get towels and a set of sheets, but everything else was great. Handing him a check, he gave us the keys and we grabbed our stuff from Joe's trunk and waved him goodbye. Finally it was just the two of us in the privacy of our own, if temporary, home. Jamie wasted no time before he was pulling me into his arms and raining kisses over my face.
"I love you Jamie," I murmured as he kissed me on the neck before nibbling and licking there too.
Raising his head, he stared down at me, his eyes dark with emotion and desire. "I love you Leila." He rested his forehead against mine for a moment, closing his eyes. "I've been missin' you like crazy. Not bein' able to talk to you whenever I wanna, not wakin' up to that beautiful face, not feelin' ya in my arms...it's been killin' me. It doesn't feel right when yer not here. I need you so bad."
He renewed his gentle assault on my body and I was moaning his name in no time. Pulling away, I grabbed the blanket he'd brought with that he'd been using at the studio, and he followed me into the bedroom and watched as I spread the blanket over the mattress. We'd buy sheets tomorrow, but I wasn't waiting that long before I made love to Jamie on that bed. Peeling off my jeans and t-shirt, I knelt in the middle of the bed waiting for him, clad in nothing but the sexy lingerie I'd purchased for the trip. He was already breathing hard while he watched me with heavy lidded eyes, so I figured the silk and lace had been worth the cost after all.
Smiling softly, I watched him determinedly pull off his jeans and t-shirt, while kicking off his sneakers and socks before joining me on the bed. Coming to kneel in front of me, he ran fingers up my arms before cupping my face in both hands and kissing me with infinite tenderness. Finally we came up for air, and he looked down at the lacy bra and panties, his hands shaking as they glided over the bits of silk.
"You like?" I asked impishly.
"I like it a lot." He nodded. "I love what's underneath though."
As if to emphasize the point, he slid his hands under the waistband of my panties and down to cup my ass, squeezing gently as he pulled me up against him. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I held on as he continued to fondle and caress my body before finally working the clasp of my bra and tossing it out of the way. His hands and mouth were back on me immediately, greedily licking and nipping at my breasts as I clutched his shoulders, my head thrown back in intense pleasure.
I started shaking with need, so Jamie carefully lowered me down to lay back on the bed, hovering over me as he reclaimed my lips, his tongue slicking along the inside of my mouth as I whimpered against him. It felt like his hands were touching me everywhere all at once, and my trembling increased.
"Please...please Jamie." I gasped as his fingers found my heated core. "I need you. I need you to make love to me."
Without hesitation, he slid the remaining piece of silk down my legs before positioning himself over me. I was practically jumping out of my skin as he pushed down his briefs enough to reveal his hard erection, and then leaned down to brush it against the wet warmth at the junction of my legs.
"Jamie." I was panting now.
"I know baby...I know."
With that, he slid into me fully, my back arching off the bed as he went in deep, my eyes clenched tight. Through the haze of lust, I heard him hiss at the sensation of being fully sheathed inside me, and I opened my eyes to see his eyes squeezed shut as he tried to keep from coming undone right there and then. Feeling a surge of love so deep and poignant, I wrapped my arms around his waist and held him tight against me as he tried to bring himself under control.
Slowly I felt his body relax on top of me, and I took it as my cue to rock my hips against him gently. His lips brushed against mine before settling firmly over my mouth, his kiss deepening with desire as our tongues dueled leisurely and his strokes inside my body became deeper and more powerful.
"Fuck I missed this," he groaned into my mouth.
We were both moaning now as I wrapped my legs around his waist, intensifying the angle and depth of his thrusts. Cupping my ass, he pushed against me harder and faster, causing our moaning and panting to intensify in volume. I didn't think I could take any more pleasure, until suddenly without warning, I was cumming hard, my cry of release muffled against his neck as he pulled me close. His hips continuing to pump as he orgasmed moments after me, his own cries caught in my mouth as I kissed him hard. The pleasure rippling through my body was unrelenting, and I kept moving against him, riding out every last drop of it until I was exhausted.
Finally we came to a shuddering halt, and as if from a distance, I felt Jamie gather me against him as we lay entwined, our breaths coming in gasps. It was some time before either of us could speak.
"What the fuck was I thinking by leavin' ya?" I could hear the remorse and guilt threaded through his words. "I'm a fuckin' idiot."
I rolled over so I could see his face. Seeing the regret there, I stroked his cheek gently.
"Don't say that, you know this is where you need to be. It's hard bein' apart...I hate it. But I'd hate it more if you missed out on makin' something happen with the band. You've worked too hard already and yer so fuckin' talented baby, I don't ever wanna see you give up on that. And...I won't ever ask you to choose."
He cupped my face and looked at me with a fierceness I wasn't expecting. "You'd never have to Leila...I'd choose you every time. Every fuckin' time."
A tear slipped down my cheek unexpectedly, and he caught it with the pad of his thumb and wiped it away.
We spent the rest of the night and most of the next day making love and talking. We did finally leave to find groceries and linens for the bed and bathroom, but bought the bare minimum so that we could get back to the privacy of our apartment. We had an unfortunate tendency to catch each other's eye, stop what we were doing, and start kissing. Fine in your home, not so fine standing in line at Kmart.
By the time we walked into the recording studio the next day, we—mostly—had our libidos under control; though my hands were constantly itching to touch and I could tell by the look in his eyes he was just as on edge. Still, I liked to think that my presence there was more of a help than a distraction since I knew how to talk James down when he started getting anxious. I could tell that Paul and Chris, the producer and lead sound engineer, weren't too keen on my being there at first, but then they saw what a calming influence I was on Jamie, suddenly I was their favorite person. I'd sit curled up on the couch in the sound booth and listen in as Metallica's first album was born. It was amazing and inspiring; I couldn't wait for the day when I'd be recording my own album.
I was lucky enough to get a sneak preview of what that would feel like when one day, while the boys were downstairs in the rehearsal space reworking the bridge on Metal Militia, I'd wandered into the recording booth to plunk away on a piano pushed into a corner. Running my hands over the keys, I started in on the opening to Songbird, humming along quietly.
Paul's voice boomed over the P.A. from the booth, making me jump. "That's a great Fleetwood Mac song. I didn't know you played."
The corners of my mouth lifted up in remembrance. "That's where James and I met, at piano lessons when we were kids."
Someone let out a loud snort from the control room.
"I can't imagine James ever playing the piano." Paul chuckled. "Do you wanna record it? It wouldn't take more than a minute to mic the piano. Give us something to do while those assholes down there work their shit out."
I was thrilled with the suggestion.
"Really? Would that be ok? I don't wanna be in the way."
"Are you kidding? We owe you. The magical touch that you have with James has made this last week a dream compared to what we were dealing with before."
I giggled a little at that and agreed to his offer. I mentioned that I also sang, and Chris and the assistant engineer wired up a vocal mic too. Sitting in the recording booth with a mic in my face and a line of eyeballs watching me from the other side of the glass, suddenly I got a rare case of nerves.
"Whenever you're ready Leila," came Paul's voice over the P.A.
Taking a breath, I started in on the intro, willing myself to relax and feel the music. I closed my eyes then and imagined I was singing it to Jamie. The beauty and meaning of the words took on a whole new dimension when I thought of him, and I could feel the emotions he invoked add to my performance. When the last note finally faded, there was a ten second pause until the tape was stopped, and then there was rousing applause over the P.A. Blushing, I looked over into the booth and saw Paul, the engineers, and Jon Zazula all clapping and cheering enthusiastically.
"Leila"—It was Jon's voice now—"I'm signing you to my label next."
I laughed at that as I got up to join them in the booth to listen to the playback.
"Holy shit," Paul was saying as I walked in, "what the fuck are they feeding these California kids? So much fuckin' talent, I can't even believe it." Spying me, he pointed his finger accusingly. "And you...'oh, I sing a little'...are you fuckin' kidding me? That was insane Leila, insane."
"Paul's right." Jonny nodded enthusiastically. "Amazing voice sweetheart. We're all gonna be hearing about you someday."
I sat there blushing while the guys continued to talk about my performance. Then we all quieted down, and for the first time ever, I heard myself sing. It was strange and exhilarating all at the same time. Halfway through, Jamie slipped into the booth and stood there grinning wide as he realized what we were listening too. Sliding an arm around my shoulders, he held me tight as we listened to the rest of the song. It was a pretty special moment, one I would remember forever.
After we were done, Chris promised to put copies on cassette tape so I could take it with me or use it for future auditions. I was grinning wide the rest of the day and my good humor must have been contagious, as the boys had a highly satisfying recording session.
Our days quickly fell into a pattern in Rochester. Most were spent at the studio recording, and I was happy as a lark to sit in on the sessions watching and learning the art of producing a record. All the studio guys were great about letting me watch over their shoulders and answering my questions. It was a great education and I stored it all away for the future when I'd be the one in the booth for real. Night times were spent partying, though I think my presence took a little wind out of that sail. James wasn't trying to dull his anxiety and frustrations, but instead, we partied to be social and celebrate rather than to slip into unconsciousness. Besides, Jamie had other reasons to remain coherent, and every one of them had to do with how we spent our private time. Most nights we couldn't get home fast enough before we were tearing our clothes off and making love. Every square inch of that apartment was used for our enjoyment, I was only glad that we didn't have neighbors on either side of us.
Free days, not that there were many, were spent exploring the area. Metal Joe and some of the other Militia would come up from Jersey, and we'd hang out and they'd show us around. We took in Niagara Falls, drove up to the site of Woodstock, out to the Jersey Shores. Jon's wife Marsha came up to visit sometimes with Jon and their little girl, and she immediately adopted me into the Zazula family. I even got my own Militia name from Joe. He said I was just like how he imagined the girls from California would look like, so inspired by the Beach Boys song, I was known as Cali Girl. I felt very welcomed by all the people who'd taken James and the boys under their wings.
We stayed in Rochester until the end of June and then packed up and headed down to New Jersey. Cliff, Lars, and Kirk stayed at either Joe's house or with "Rockin" Ray, another of one of the Militia leaders. Marsha Zazula insisted that Jamie and I stay with them, saying that she could never let me live in a pigsty with a bunch of slobby guys. I was incredibly grateful and Jamie and I settled into their household easily.
Since we'd made it back to Jersey it in time for the 4th of July, Joe decided to throw a huge blow-out party at his house to honor the holiday and celebrate the end of the Kill Em All sessions. It was my first Militia party and I'd yet to meet everyone in the group of friends, so I was looking forward to it and dressed carefully for the occasion, wanting to look nice and make Jamie proud. The weather was hot and sticky, so I decided on a red bikini, since Joe had a swimming pond on his property, and over it I wore a white sundress to keep cool. The dress had an innocence to it with its virginal color, but the spaghetti straps, mid-thigh length and hint of cleavage, was anything but innocent. My hair was in soft waves and I wore no make-up, except for a light pink on my lips. Grabbing a beach bag with necessities for a day in the sun, I headed downstairs to find James.
He was waiting at the bottom of the stairs talking to Marsha, and when he turned to stare up at me, my legs went all rubbery at the look in his eyes.
"Aw hon, you look pretty as an angel." Marsha beamed as I came down the last step. "I'm not sure James is gonna let you outta the house though."
I smiled at her compliment and slipped my hand into Jamie's, who still hadn't said anything. His eyes were saying plenty though. There was a honk from outside and the two of us said goodbye to Marsha and headed out to hop in Jon's car, since he'd offered to take us out to Joe's place. We both squeezed into the front seat while Jon slipped a Motorhead cassette into the stereo. The music blasted all the way there and Jamie and I smiled at each other as he lightly ran fingers over the palm of my hand. The looks he gave me were getting more and more heated, and I wasn't sure how we were going to last a day without jumping each other.
As if reading my mind, James leaned in close to my ear. "I want you right now Lei." I blushed at that, but it only made him more turned on. "Fuck baby, could you just try and not make this harder for me? Yer so beautiful and sexy, it's takin' all my will power to not make love to you in the front seat of Jonny's car."
I choked on a laugh at that image and Jon shot me a curious look from the driver's seat. I'm sure he guessed at what was going on, but he was kind enough to not give us shit for it. Fortunately we arrived at Metal Joe's property a few minutes later.
Up in Rochester, during one of our many nights hanging out in the small apartment that James and I had rented, Joe had told us all about the farm he lived on, owned by his family for generations. He leased out the surrounding fields for extra income, but the farmhouse and pond stayed for the family's use. Joe lived there full time, but occasionally a sibling or cousin would stay for a while. Right now, the place was housing half of Metallica, I only hoped the boys weren't trashing the place too much.
As we drove up, I noticed a couple dozen cars scattered around the front yard and drive leading up to the house, so I knew this was going to be a rager. Jon let us out in front, and we watched him drive away before Jamie took my hand and led us inside the rambling old house.
Somewhere, a stereo was blasting the local rock station and people were scattered all over the inside and outside of the house. As we were passing the stairs, Cliff came down followed by some dark haired girl I'd never seen before. Giving us a sheepish grin, he gave Jamie a nod and me a quick hug. The girl looked at me curiously and I gave her a tentative smile. She grinned back and Cliff introduced me to Maria, or "Metal Maria" as she'd been dubbed. The guys went to go get beers while the two of us got acquainted.
"Any relation to Joe?" I asked teasingly.
"Oh hell no! Gawd forbid I should ever be related to any of these idiots."
"I think he's sweet," I defended Joe immediately.
"Yeah, well the sun rises and sets on your ass as far as Joe is concerned."
"What?"
"Ever since he picked you up at the airport a month ago, the guy can't shut up about how amazing you are. Tits over ass that one is." She smiled at me then. "It's actually become kind of a joke around here. Every time one of the guys would head up to Rochester to hang with the Metallica boys, we'd wait to see if they'd fallen under the spell of the mysterious and beautiful Cali Girl." She paused dramatically while I stared at her. "You're too polite to ask, so I'll tell ya...every single one of those fuckers came back with the same stupid grin."
"Umm...I'm sure that has nothin' to do with me," I mumbled as I blushed at Maria's words.
The other girl cocked her head and looked at me thoughtfully. "Well, I wasn't expecting that." I looked at her quizzically and she explained. "I knew you'd be really beautiful...and fuck you...you are. I just wasn't expecting you to be humble and so....nice. Fuck, now I have to change my opinion, and I hate having to do that."
"Sorry?" I offered uncertainly.
We looked at each other and started laughing. Maria might be brusque and speak her mind, but I definitely respected that more than other girls who acted nice but ripped me apart behind my back. We stood talking until the guys came back with beers, and then Jamie took me by the hand and we walked around saying hi to people I already had met and introduced to people I hadn't. Now that I knew the Militia's opinions, and in some cases, assumptions about me, I was able to read people as I met them. Most were nice, though I did have to endure a couple uncomfortable moments, most from guys I didn't know and who tended to be blunter than folks in California.
"Fuck Hetfield, your chick is fuckin' hotter than shit."
"How'd you bag such a fine fuckin' hottie? Your dick must be huge."
"I'd never leave my house if that was waitin' at home for me to bang."
Clearly they knew I was standing right there, but again, this was a different world in Jersey than what I was used to. I could see that James was having a hard time controlling his anger, but I'd just squeeze his hand and give him a warm smile, and he'd cool back down.
One of the most uncomfortable encounters came when we stepped out back to take in the view of the pond and fields. I was just commenting to Jamie how I was ready for a swim, when a girl with bad highlights approached, her body language and the fire in her eyes telling me this wasn't going to be a pleasant encounter. Jamie swearing under his breath confirmed my suspicions as the girl stopped in front of us, hands on her hips.
"Is this her?"
No "hi, I'm so and so", if fact, she avoided looking at me altogether as she glared at Jamie. I looked sideways at him and saw his jaw tense. I was more than a little curious why.
"Yes, this is my girlfriend Leila. Leila this is Lisa Cantucci."
She finally looked at me, giving me an up and down with a sneer. "Don't see what all the fuss is about."
Oh, is this how it's going to go down? Fine bitch, have it your way!
I was bristling as the words I planned on spewing at her started to take shape in my head. Before I could open my mouth though, Jamie was dragging me across the backyard towards the pond.
Halfway there, I yanked on his hand to stop him. "What the fuck was that?" I managed to keep from yelling, though my eyes were sparking with outrage.
I could see him sigh as he slid his arms around me. I stayed rigid in his embrace.
"Don't pay any attention to her Lei, she's always a hard ass like that. She think she's the queen bee in the Militia and she feels threatened."
I knew he wasn't telling me the whole truth. Just as I was about to ask him to tell me what was really going on, Ray yelled for us to come join them in the pond. There was a chorus of shouts from the others, so we were forced to postpone the conversation, but I was still fuming as we walked down to the water. Laying out a couple towels, I kicked off my sandals before pulling the sundress up and over my head and dropping it onto the grass. I heard a strangled sound from behind me and looked over my shoulder to see Jamie gawking wide eyed at my body in the skimpy bikini. I was still pissed, but I liked the way he was looking at me. Deciding to torture him a little, I bent over to pick up an imaginary object from the ground, giving him a good view of my barely covered ass. Jamie muttered something unintelligible, but I'm pretty sure it had to do with something he wanted to do to me when we were alone. I felt heat rush through my body thinking of what I wanted to do to him. Standing slowly, I turned to face him and stepped up close, brushed my breasts against his chest. His hands were on my waist immediately, pulling me closer.
"Am I evil?" I whispered against his lips, quoting one of our favorite Diamond Head songs.
Jamie's lips spread into a grin. "Yes I fuckin' am."
His lips covered mine in a heated kiss. I could feel him deepening the kiss, but I broke away and pulled out of his arms, grinning at him as I skipped down to the pond, throwing a devious smile over my shoulder as I dared him to follow me.
"Witch!" he shouted from where he stood watching me, a grin on his face.
Walking out to the end of the small dock, I paused for a moment before making a clean dive into the water. The coldness hit me hard but it felt good, cooling me down from the heat of the day and the kiss with Jamie, and it helped push away unwanted thoughts of the bitch from earlier.
Just as my head broke the surface, a loud splash came from ten feet away. Moments later Jamie's head appeared, and catching sight of me, he grinned wide and swam over, immediately pulling me back into his arms. Without hesitation, his mouth was on mine, his tongue plunging into my mouth over and over until I was breathing heavy and holding onto him for dear life.
Soon the cold began to seep into our bones, so we swam and frolicked to keep warm, even joining in on a water volleyball game that someone got going. An hour later I was dropping onto my towel exhausted, an equally tired James laying down next to me. Groaning with fatigue, he rolled onto his side, wrapped his arms around me, and we both fell asleep to the steady hum of the summer cicada in the fields.
~
Something was tickling my nose. I wiggled my face, hoping that would be enough to send whatever it was on its way. The tickling continued, so I blindly swiped with my hand. To no avail. Finally, I opened one eyeball to see Jamie leaning over me, a blade of grass in his fingers as he continued to tease me. His hair hung about his shoulders and created a curtain around us that made me feel like we were truly in our own little world. I stared up at him, the blade of grass forgotten as I was struck with the realization of how amazing it was to be with him like this. Since we'd gotten together, I'd have these moments of perspective every so often, a sudden reminder of how blessed we were to have opened ourselves to love and to each other. I stared at him in wonder, and slowly the mischievous smile faded from his face as he stared at me in equal wonder, the moment affecting him as well. Slowly, I ran a finger over his face before lifting my lips to press softly against his. Laying back down, I smiled shyly, my heart so full of love I wasn't sure how I'd contain it all.
"Hi."
"Hi yerself." He grinned back as he lightly brushed his lips against mine.
Something about the intimacy of the moment got the blood rushing through my veins and wishing that we were alone.
"I wanna be with you," I murmured softly, looking him in the eyes so he wouldn't misunderstand my meaning.
I watched as his breath hitched and his eyes darkened with desire. Before I could say anything more, he was scrambling to his feet and pulling him with me. Handing me my dress, I put it on slowly, wondering what he was up to. Slipping on my sandals as he pulled on his t-shirt and stuck his feet into a pair of flip flops, I let him lead me around to the front of the house and back through the front door. Entering a door near the base of the staircase, I realized it led to the basement as we went down a set of stairs. At the bottom of the stairs was a laundry area and a TV room with a couple of sofas left over from the 1960's. Passing through the room, James seemed to know where he was going as he led me through a doorway, arriving in some sort of a rec room complete with bar and a pool table. Reaching behind me, James closed and locked the door. Leaving on the lights behind the bar only, he turned off the overhead light, casting the room in a soft glow. Letting go of my hand, he walked over to the wall where the pool cues were kept and proceeded to set-up a game. I watched him in confusion as he set the balls on the table before coming back around to my side.
"You wanna break or should I?" he asked cheekily.
"Go ahead." I figured I'd play along until I understood what he was up to.
He hit the cue ball with force, scattering the balls over the table. One went in, and I knew enough of the rules to know he could go again. He took a shot and sank the ball. The next one missed by a tiny margin.
He looked at me and shrugged casually. "Guess it's yer turn now Shorty."
Something in his tone made me shiver. I kept my eyes locked with his as I came over and took the stick from him. Scanning the table, I finally decided on one of my balls that I might have a chance of putting into a pocket. Trying to remember what James had taught me, I leaned over the table and lined up my shot, stroking the stick so that it gently tapped the cue ball against my intended ball. I got close to the pocket, but just missed. Sighing, I was about to stand up, still confused about the point of playing pool, when I felt Jamie come up behind me, his legs flushed with the back of mine and his groin pressed hard against my ass. Oh. We were playing that kind of pool. He stretched over me then, laying his body over mine, his mouth hot against my ear.
"Change of rules, every time one of us misses baby, they hafta remove a piece of clothing."
I knew he could feel the tremor that went through me at his words, and I felt him harden against me.
"That's...that's not really motivating me to want to make a shot," I muttered thickly.
He chuckled against my ear before stepping away, giving me a wicked smile as I straightened up and he took the cue out of my hand. Walking to the other side of the table, he lined up his next shot and sank it easily. Knowing he was getting cocky, I waited for him to line up his next shot, and just as he leaned down to get close to the cue ball, I rested my full breasts on the lip of the table, directly in his line of site. Needless to say, he missed. Grinning slyly at my sneaky tactics, he kicked his flops off.
"Really?" I asked at his lame choice of clothing, raising an eyebrow at his innocent smile.
I took my next shot and surprisingly made it. They next one I did not, so off came my sandals. I grinned saucily at him as he snatched the stick out of my hand. I could see that he was getting close to just throwing me on the table. I liked the tension though.
His next turn, he didn't realize I'd come up behind until I was sliding my hands down his stomach and rubbing over his hard-on, making him miss the pocket by a mile.
"Cheater," he grumbled as he pulled his t-shirt up and over his head.
Lining up my next shot, I let myself get distracted by the feel of him coming up behind me as he gripped my hips and rubbed himself against my ass.
"Oh no, you missed," he spoke up unrepentantly. "Guess you'll have to lose another piece of clothing. I'll help"
Before I could ask what he meant, he reached his hands up under my dress and caught the waistband of my bikini bottoms and slid them down my legs. Tossing them onto the barstool with his t-shirt, he took the stick and went to take his turn. He didn't even try to make the shot and quickly dropped his shorts, leaving himself stark naked. He braced his arms against the table just across from me as I tried to focus on my turn, but my eyes kept straying to his erect cock, almost licking my lips in anticipation. I scratched on my shot, but I didn't care as I followed James with my eyes as he came around the table towards me. I was trembling so bad that I was grateful when he came to stand behind me, his body flush with mine as he hooked his fingers under the straps of my dress and pulled them down my arms just low enough that he could reach the ties on my bikini top. I could feel him shaking against me as he worked at the ties. Finally the top was undone and tossed on the pile of discarded clothes.
"God I've had this fantasy for a long time," he murmured against my ear as he began to caress my body. "Ever since that night in Berkeley, I've wanted to fuck you like this so bad."
"Don't make me wait then," I muttered urgently, as I rested my head back against his shoulder and reached down to stroke his erection.
He growled low in his throat and then gently bent me forward so that my bare breasts rested against the green velvet of the pool table. Intentionally, I stuck my ass high up in the air and shivered as he lifted the hem of my dress, exposing my rounded flesh to the coolness of the room.
"Fuck, this is way better than any fantasy," he groaned low before sliding himself into my waiting warmth, making us both moan loudly.
We were still for a moment, enjoying the sensation of being connected as I trembled at the full throbbing pressure inside me. Finally he began slowly rocking his hips, gripping me tight as he pushed in deep and then pulled out almost all the way, and then pushed back in again. I was panting hard, making small mewling sounds as he slowly increased his speed. Suddenly he caught behind my left knee and stretched it up to rest on the table, and when he slid back into me, it was so deep I was crying out in pleasure and writhing on the table at the sensations rocketing through my body.
"More baby," I moaned low and he began pumping harder. "I'm close."
I pushed back against him now, increasing the friction as we moved in tandem, working our bodies towards the climax we both craved. My orgasm hit me then as I arched my back at the pulsing ecstasy. Jamie reached around and cupped both of my breasts as he gave two more swift pumps before I felt him cum hard, caressing my breasts as I cried out, his own cries echoing mine as he pulled me back against him as his hips bucked against mine and his hands worked over my soft flesh.
He held me close as our breathing slowed, but it was many minutes before either of us could speak. Turning me slowly in his arms to face him, I ran fingers over his chest and stomach, suddenly too shy to look at him.
"What is it?" he asked quietly, kissing me on my forehead.
"It's...it's just that...what you do to me...how you make me fly like that...I can't hold back. Am...am I a slut for enjoyin' it so much?"
"Leila, why would you even think that?" He forced my chin up to meet his eyes.
I shrugged in embarrassment. "Girls aren't supposed to like sex. Back in high school, I'd hear the other girls talkin'...and they said only sluts enjoyed it and that sex is something yer supposed to...to tolerate if you love yer boyfriend."
"Tolerate? What kind of fucked up shit is that?"
"That's my point. Is it wrong that I love everything that you do to me and I want you to touch me all the time? All the time."
A growl came from deep in his chest as he pressed the back of my legs against the table.
"Whoever was sayin' shit like that doesn't know what they're talkin' about. There's nothin' wrong with what we're doin' or how you feel when we're doin' it." He rubbed against me suggestively. "Judging by yer moans and screams, we're doin' everything right." I giggled a little at that and then he caught my gaze, his own becoming solemn. "We're together cuz we love each other, and makin' love is so good between us because we love each other. How could that ever be considered wrong?"
I smiled up at him, feeling better. Women everywhere were getting a raw deal being made to feel guilty for what was natural. Cupping his face gently, I kissed him lovingly. Quickly though, the kiss became more heated and he lifted me up to sit on the edge of the table, pressing himself between my thighs.
"Oh fuck Jamie"—I was moaning into his ear minutes later—"if I'm goin' to hell for wantin' you so bad, I'll happily dance with the devil when I get there."