Chapter 7
Kane arrived home a short while later to find his mother sitting in the living room, perched on an arm chair with a cup of tea in her hand.
"Did you have a good time at the part-" She cut off mid sentence when she saw Kane's face. "Dear god! I thought you just had a fall!"
"Yeah, don't worry mum. It's nothing." He lied.
"No-Nothing?! Are you crazy?! You look like hell!" She replied.
"It's nothing. I swear, I drank a bit too much and fell down a flight of stairs is all." He lied again.
"Well then, in future I guess you'll know your limit." She responded coldly. "Did you leave after that?" she asked.
"Yeah, Jarryd took me back to his, I stayed in the spare room over night to avoid coming home in that state."
"I know, he called me. He said you'd had an accident but didn't say what." she said, "Did his mum take good care of you?"
"Made me breakfast and everything!" He smiled, "Can I go up to my room and sleep for a bit? I didn't get much last night." He lied.
"Sure, but be down for six o'clock, dinner will be on and I want to talk to you." she replied.
Kane just nodded, raised his hand to his face and walked out the room. Once Kane managed to get himself to the top of the stairs and into his room he sat down, finally alone. 'Jeez, what a night!' he thought to himself. 'Jarryd looked really sexy last night in that outfit. Wait. What am I thinking? He's a guy, I'm a guy! This is wrong.' he told himself silently. Kane sat there for hours thinking and re-thinking before he pulled his phone out of his pocket and dialed Jarryd's number. It rang a few times before he heard the transfer sound.
"Hello?" he heard from the other end.
"Hey J, it's me, Kane."
"What's up dude?"
"Not much, just been sitting in my room. Head is killing me!"
"You took quite a beating, how are you feeling though?" Jarryd asked.
"Nothing that won't heal quickly. Listen, I have a question and it might sound weird."
"Ask away." Jarryd replied.
"Last night," Kane started.
"Yeah?"
"Did we?" Kane hesitated, "Did we really kiss? Or was that just some messed up dream?"
"No, it really happened. I wasn't going to mention it incase you freaked out though." Jarryd replied.
"The thing is, I kind of am, but I'm also kind of not."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, from what I remember, it was really good. But we're both guys, I mean that's just not okay is it?" he asked.
"I don't know. I don't really know any gay people." Jarryd responded, now he too was pondering the idea.
"I mean, I really did like it. Don't get me wrong, but is it even okay to do?"
"I dont know, I mean it just happened once and we were drunk. Maybe it didn't mean anything." Jarryd said, frowning on the other line, trying to sound convincing.
"You're right." Kane said, "Listen, I gotta go, mum's making dinner and I have to be down there now. Can I call you later?"
"Sure." Jarryd replied.
With that, Kane and Jarryd put the phones down in unison and hung up. Kane walked down the stairs to hear something frying in the kitchen. Sausages. His mum was frying sausages, he could hear the fat sizzling in the pan, the sloshing of the gravy and the smell of the freshly caramelised onions.
"Oh, you scared me dear!" His mother exclaimed as he walked into the kitchen. "I thought you were asleep." She replied.
"I couldn't really sleep. Look mum if I told you something would you promise not to freak out?"
"You haven't gone and got a girl pregnant have you?" She asked, grinning.
"Not exactly."
"What does that mean?" she asked him.
"Well the thing is mum. It's not a girl. I mean I didn't have sex or anything but-" He didn't know where to go on, his cheeks were rosey and his mouth turned into an awkward frown.
"But?"
"But, it's not really girls mum." he said, flinching away.
"What's not really girls sweetie?" She asked.
"I don't really like girls all that much." Kane finally said.
"At your age, most guys don't like girls anyways my love. It's nothing to worry about."
"No mum, you don't get it. I think I like boys. Well I'm not sure, but I think I do. And I don't know what to say, because if I do then does that make me gay? And if it makes me gay, is that a bad thing? Does it make me a bad person because I don't know what to think of myself." he ranted on.
"Kane, calm down. You don't know if you like boys?"
"No."
"But you don't know if you like girls?"
"I know I don't like girls."
"So then you do like boys?"
"I guess. Argh! I don't know." he said to her, "I don't want to be gay."
"Sweetie," She started, "It's not something you can really decide. I used to know two amazing men, both of them were gay. They were very strong young men, and just like yourself they didn't know what to think of it. Well one of them didn't. Kane do you know who that man was?" she asked him.
"No?" he stated.
"That man, was-" She started and cut off, turning off the hobs and placing the saucepan on the counter beside the stove. She walked through with Kane to the living room. "See this photo?" She said.
"Yeah." He replied.
"Well, this man here." She said, pointing to a young Jacob. "This man here, was called Jacob, he was gay. He had a very difficult time coming to terms with it, but eventually he found happiness. In this man." She pointed to another man in the photograph. This time Kaileb. "This man here, is Kaileb. Do you remember him?" She asked.
"Well yeah, he used to come around a lot when I was younger."
"Well Kane, this young man, Kaileb. Was gay too. In fact, Kaileb was Jacob's boyfriend." She said to him.
"Why didn't I meet Jacob? Who was Jacob?" he asked his mum.
"Well, my love, Jacob was my brother." She begun to explain to him.
"What happened to him? Where is he now?"
"Sweetie, Jacob- Jacob is in heaven. Jacob died a long time ago." she explained.
"Well how did he die?" Kane asked his mum.
"We don't really talk about how. We talk about why." She said to her son, looking up in his eyes.
"You know, Kane, you remind me a lot of my brother sometimes. In a good way of course! And in the bad too I guess. But you remind me of him nonetheless and I guess I couldn't have been more proud of how you have turned out. You are so sweet, and loving and gentle. Just like Jacob was, but you're also very scared like he was. Kane, you don't have to be afraid of anything, especially not being gay." She finished.
"But if I am gay, does that mean that I could die too?" Kane asked.
"Kane, we all die sometime. But it's not going to be because you might be gay."
"So it's not going to kill me?" He asked.
"Of course not!" Tracy replied.
Kane just nodded his head and walked out of the kitchen.
"I'm going back upstairs for a bit, call me when dinner's ready!" He called back to Tracy.
"Sure thing sweetie. Just know, that I will always love you, and I will always be your mum!" Tracy called out to him as he mounted the stairs on his tip-toes.
Kane sat in his room pondering the thought of talking to Jarryd, though he was still unsure as to how exactly Jarryd felt about this situation. As usual he removed his phone from his pocket adn sent an SMS to Jarryd.
Hey J, what you up to?
Hey K, notn rly, u?
Kane hated text speech but ignored it and continued messaging Jarryd.
Nah, just had a weird conversation with mum.
What's she saying?
Nothing, I kind of told her that I think I might be gay or something.
R u?
What?
Gay?
I don't know.
Do u think I am?
I don't know, are you?
I don't think I am. Jarryd said, before Kane got called down for dinner.
I gotta go, dinner's ready. Chat when I'm done?
Sure!
That was it. Kane had kind of told Jarryd how he felt and he didn't know where to continue the conversation after that. He climbed down the stairs and met his mother in the kitchen to help her take the food to the table.
"Mum," Kane started as they sat down, "I know I told you I might be gay, and I know it might take a while for it to sink in. But I want to your help with something."
"With what love?" Tracy asked, twirling a bit of pasta onto her fork.
"Well, there is somebody that I kinda like, but I don't know how to tell him." Kane drawled while playing with his food.
"I think it's just best to be honest with him love." Tracy spoke up, still trying to get the pasta onto the fork.
"Here," Kane said, passing her a spoon from the drawer at his side, "But how can I just tell him? What if he freaks out?"
"If he treats you any different from the way he did before, then he really isn't your friend." Tracy drawled now, finally getting the spaghetti to stay on her fork.
"I guess, but what if he stops talking to me, or calls me a freak?" Kane asked.
"Well then he will have me to deal with." Tracy grinned across the table to her son, still sitting there playing with his food, "Not hungry?" she asked.
"I am, just got a lot on my mind." he replied, the words almost silent as he looked down at his food, having lost his appetite.
Kane left his dinner and stuck it in the fridge for later on that evening, went back upstairs without saying a word and sat on the end of his bed, looking at his reflection in the full length mirror/cupboard door. He stood up and looked at himself thinking, 'What would Jarryd want in me anyways?' He pulled his shirt off and looked in the mirror again, 'Sure, I have nice abs and I do look after myself but I'm a guy. He likes girls. I like girls. I think I like girls. What if I don't like girls? What if I like Jarryd instead?'
Eerily, Kane got a phone call from Jarryd.
"Hello?"
"Hey K, it's me." Jarryd said with somewhat a chirpy tone to his voice.
"What's up?"
"Just wanted to know if it's okay for me to come over?"
"Why wouldn't it be okay?"
"I don't know."
"Then come over man!" Kane chirped, feeling butterflies in his stomach, he was excited but didn't know where this feeling had come from. He had never felt this way about Jarryd. Had he?
Jarryd told his mum where he was going, grabbed his coat off the living room door, swung it over his shoulder and grabbed his keys off the side table sitting next to the door. He swung himself into his car, ran his hands over the wheel for a moment before inserting the keys into the ignition, started the car and he was on his way. He crossed the A82 and drove through the traffic in the city, stopping and starting every five minutes in the evening traffic. Eventually Jarryd reached Tracy's house, stopped outside the front door and thought quietly to himself. 'I don't know exactly how to do this.' he said to himself in his mind, 'I really think I like him, but should I?' Jarryd suddenly felt the butterflies in his stomach but it was interrupted by an abrupt opening of the front door and Tracy was walking out.
"Dear god Jarryd! You scared me there." She said to him.
"Sorry, I was about to ring the bell. I came to see Kane." He told her.
"I don't know how talkative he will be, I think his heart is bleedling, love. You can try though, he might need someone to rely on if things go bad with what he's planning." she explained to him as she headed to her car and stood at the door. She turned her head back and said one last thing before climbing in and starting the car. "He wants to tell somebody how he feels about them."
Jarryd felt a crunch in his gut and his chest drop, his eyes looked to the floor and watched as Tracy drove off. He stood there in silence for a moment before thinking to himself, 'Oh, he likes somebody, I guess maybe he doesn't like me. I was going to tell him how I felt, but I will just keep quiet.' He then walked through the main door and called up the stairs,
"Hey K! I'm here!"
'Oh god, he's here. I need to tell him. But how? How do I tell a GUY that I like him? Especially Jarryd. I mean we kissed, but like that doesn't mean anything does it?'
"I'm coming down!" Kane shouted in response from his room. 'Oh god. Oh god!' After a couple of minutes Kane could hear Jarryd climbing up the stairs.
"Are you coming down or what?" Jarryd called up the stairs.
"Yeah sorry I was looking for something!" Kane called from behind his door before picking up his phone and walked into the hall. "Got it, lost my phone." he said.
"Oh, right." Jarryd said.
"Yeah, wanna go out somewhere?" Kane asked. Jarryd nodded silently, his mind wandering off.
'Yeah, he doesn't like me. I mean who would. I'm a guy. He's a guy. This is weird? Oh god. I'm doing it again, talking to myself. God, I must be insane!'
"You coming?" Kane said to him, standing at the open door, keys in his hand and his jacket on.
"Y-Yeah, sorry, my mind went off on a tangent there." Jarryd said to him.
"Perhaps you should get some fresh air, is there something bothering you?" Kane asked.
"Nah, just thinking." Jarryd drawled, "There anything you want to talk about?" He asked his friend.
"Yeah, but lets go for a walk." Kane said.
The two boys left the house and walked around the corner to the park behind the estate, climbed the stairs one by one, filling the space with small talk. As they got to the top of the stairs, Jarryd was tired of the small talk and asked Kane what was going on. The two sat at the base of a flying-fox and Kane opened his mouth as if to talk but shut it again. He couldn't breathe, well he could breathe, but not normally. His chest felt heavy and his stomach felt as if it was churning.
"Well... The thing is... I don't know how to say this." Kane started, his lips quivering.
"Say what K?" Jarryd asked.
"Nothing, it doesn't matter. How are things with the girlfriend?" he asked Jarryd.
"We broke up after the party, I thought you knew that?"
"Oh yeah. I forgot."
"What did you really want to talk about Kane Jacob O'Rourke?"
"Nothing, and don't call me that! I don't like it!"
"What, Kane?"
"No, never mind. It doesn't matter anyways. You probably don't understand."
"I like you Kane."
"I like you too J, but-" Kane stopped for a second and let his mind wonder, 'But I think I love you? No. But I like you more than I think you like me? No. I like you a lot. Yes. That's it! I like you a lot!'
"But what Kane?" Jarryd asked, his cheeks growing rosy.
"But nothing, I like you, I just like you a lot." Kane said, "I really like you."
"Well I really like you too Kane." Jarryd said, his cheeks growing even more rosy.
"No, I mean, Jarryd, I think I might be falling for you."
"I know what you mean, and I think I am falling for you too."
"What do you mean? I'm not your type." Kane said, momentarily Jarryd mimicked Kane's sentence and laughed a little.
"Asshole!"
"Dick!"
"Pussy."
"Shut up."
"You shut up."
"Leave me alone!"
"Nah, it's fun to make fun of you Kane." Jarryd said, grinning from ear to ear.
"Well it's not fun for me. I'm trying to tell you how I feel about you and you just make fun of it." Kane said, a frown beginning to develop on his face.
"Don't be sad, I was only joking. I really do like you K! I really do! But I don't know if I like like you."
"Neither do I about you. But I don't want to think about it anymore, so I had to tell you."
The two boys sat talking about how they felt for a few hours, and as the darkness set in, Kane asked Jarryd if he wanted to go back inside. Jarryd agreed and the two boys made their way back to the house and saw that Tracy had pulled her car back into the drive way and sure enough as the boys came through the door,
"Where the hell have you two been?! I've been looking for the both of you for over an hour now! I almost phoned the police. Jarryd, your mum called, you need to be home soon! Have you eaten the rest of your dinner yet Kane? Jarryd, have you eaten at all? Dear god, you both look like you're wasting away, I will have to speak to that mother of yours." Tracy bombarded them with both agressive and compassionate conversation.
"Mum, we're fine, we just went up to the park to talk." Kane said, watching his mother's expression change from one of anger to one of relief.
"Well, as long as you both are fine. Did you get to talk to the person Kane?"
"Yeah, I did."
"Did Jarryd help you with what to say."
"Actually he did most of the talking." Kane replied.
"Oh, that's nice of you Jarryd. Did he take it well then?"
"Yeah mum, he took it fine, he was right there."
"Oh, why didn't you bring him back here then?"
"Whatever, never mind mum."
"Well you boys enjoy the evening, should I call your mum J? I can always tell her you're staying here and I'll run you both up to school tomorrow."
"Umm. Yeah I'd like that, really tired and I can't be bothered driving home in the dark."
"Okay then, Kane still has the foot-on under his bed if you dont want to be in the spare room. I know how you boys like to talk all night." Tracy smirked and walked over to the house phone.