"And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's meant to be broken
I just want you to know who I am"
***
The pain in my chest is unbearable, and even though my vision is blurring from the tears in my eyes the look on Harry's face is only making it worse.
Everything in me wants to go to him and comfort him and wipe that lost look in his eyes away, but I can't even bring myself to.
There's betrayal, fear and confusion coursing through me too powerfully to move, and all that keeps going through my mind is that I don't even know who he is, and if he could do something like that to a person - what could he do to me?
I need to sit down, there's way too much information way too quickly and I can't pick which thought to try and process first.
Andy is in hospital.
Harry put him in hospital
Andy needs surgery to repair bones in his face
Harry did that to him
Harry lied to me
Andy's parents think he's been doing drugs in secret
Harry did that too
Harry knows David somehow
What else is he keeping from me?
I keep backing away until I reach the couch and turn to sit down, burying my face in my hands as I try and make sense of all of it, Harry just stays silent watching me.
I don't even know what I feel about what Harry has done, I'm not angry at him, but I don't know how to describe it and the empathetic part of me understands that he felt the need to do something, and he had warned me several times that he would if Andy ever hurt me.
But I never in a million years thought that was what he meant, and now all of his threats where he said he would kill him that I thought were dramatic or an exaggeration don't seem that far fetched any more.
It's the lies and the brutality of it, and his total lack of emotion about it that's disturbed me so much, I'm someone that feels guilty if I accidently step on a bug so I just don't understand any of this.
Do I really have such strong feelings for someone that can be so horrible?
Could the person I've fallen for be a man to me and a monster to everyone else?
I feel Harry's presence in front of me, and I don't dare look when I sense that he's crouched down in front of me.
I hate that he's seen me cry so many times, but I couldn't stop these tears even if I wanted to, I'm far too overwhelmed.
I just want everything to go back to the way it was, I want all of this to go away and be back on the couch with him not paying attention to a movie and not having any of this shit be real.
"Abby...can you please look at me.."
The anguish in his voice is the only thing that gives me the nerve to pull my hands away, I'm such a stupid person, no matter how hurt I am, I just can't bear seeing or hearing someone else upset - even if they're the one that hurt me.
When I see his face, I just can't picture him doing what he did to Andy, I can't imagine it, I don't want to.
I don't even know if it's him that I'm scared of, I think I'm scared of what I don't know, that all of this has been a lie and the person that means so much to me is a stranger.
Harry presses his lips together firmly, reaching his hand out apprehensively to touch my face but pulls it away as if I've slapped him when I flinch.
"Please don't do that...I'd never hurt you" he says solemnly.
"How do I know that? I never thought you could do something like this, and you did" I croak, bringing my hands up to wipe under my eyes
Harry gives me a pained look, as if he wishes I would let him do that instead.
"Because you're the only person I don't want to hurt" he searches his eyes over my face, and the sincerity in his voice is wavering the part of me that is so disturbed by him.
I don't say anything, I don't know what to say. You're never exactly prepared for a situation like this, I've never met anyone like Harry and I'm floundering with how to handle this situation, I have no idea what the right thing to do is.
As always, my lines of right and wrong start to blur when it come to him.
"I'm not a good person Abby, I never pretended I was" he states, watching carefully for my reaction as he reaches his hand out again "but you make me want to be better, to be good for you..."
I close my eyes, squeezing them as my heart constricts when he cautiously cups the side of my face, swiping the pad of his thumb across my cheek to get rid of the moisture. "I don't know what I'm doing, and I know you deserve someone as pure as you but I'm too selfish to let you go"
He let's out a breath that almost sounds relieved, that I wasn't pulling away from him.
"I may be evil to everyone else, but as long as I'm good to you I don't care"
Harry shuffles closer, resting his other hand next to me on the couch "You can be angry at me, you can be upset with me...just please don't ever be afraid of me"
I let out a sigh that cracks in my voice as I relax my face against his hand, hanging my head to try and hide how everything he just said is wrecking me, and he brings up his other hand to cup my jaw, continuing to caress his thumbs against my cheeks like he's trying to comfort and reassure me at the same time.
It's so hard to even focus on the reason I was upset in the first place, it's hard to focus on anything except him.
Can I really look past what he did? Is it possible to ignore that side of him and only pay attention to how he is with me?
"Can you say something, please, I need to know what you're thinking..." he pleads softly, sounding helpless with what to do.
There's a long pause as something suddenly hits me, and the memory plays vividly in my mind.
"Something can be both violent and delicate..." I whisper, lifting my eyes to look at Harry's distraught ones.
Harry looks confused trying to understand what I mean, but all I can think about is the day he took me to the aquarium and the conversation we had when he asked why I was taking photographs of the shark.
"Why are you taking pictures of a shark?" Harry asks, looking at me curiously as he's lent on his elbows on the railing.
"I think it's beautiful" I reply absently, focusing my attention on the creature captivating my attention.
"But it's a predator" he says, and I pull the camera from my face to see his brows furrowed.
I match his expression "That doesn't mean it can't be beautiful"
Harry frowns "It's a killer by nature, how is that beautiful?"
"It can't help it's nature, it can't control how it was created, but there's still beauty in it. Something can be both violent and delicate at the same time, sometimes the beauty is in its darkness, even if some people don't see it, it doesn't mean it isn't there"
I didn't know back then, but that's exactly how I was going to feel about Harry - by nature he's violent, brutal and callous, but I can tell it tortures him, from all those desperate phone calls in the middle of the night. But I get to see the delicate part of him, I get to see the cracks of light in the darkness that usually surrounds him, and it's possible for him to exist as both.
Maybe I needed to see the dark parts he tried so hard to hide from me so I can appreciate the beauty in how gentle he is with me, to be able to really understand that something can be hard and fragile at the same time.
I see the beauty in him, even if he doesn't, I always have - whether I knew it or not.
I don't think he's truly this awful person he claims to be, I think there is good in him, he just can't see it yet, and maybe that's what I need to show him.
"You need to stop hiding who you are from me" I urge him quietly, watching his brows crease as I speak "you can't keep hiding all of these secrets from me"
"I'm trying..." he says just as faintly "it just hard"
The understanding part of me cant ask more from him than that, I can't expect more from someone then for them to try.
"I need some time... To process all of this, what you did" I tell him, finally getting my voice to stop shaking but keeping it soft.
We're back in one of our fragile moments where it feels like if either of us spoke to loudly it could shatter it.
Harry swallows, looking worried as he nods "Are you leaving?"
I shake my head, hating to see that look on his face "No, but I'll need to you try and be more honest with me, I need to be able to trust you"
He averts his eyes from mine, frowning and looking like he's fighting a war in his own mind.
"You shouldn't trust me.." he murmurs, creasing his brows further like he's confused by what he says next when he looks at me "but I still want you to"
I match the look on his face, placing my hands over his on my face "I want to as well"
I knew I lost my mind the minute I met Harry, and at this very second, I've decided I don't even want it back.
Harry sucks in a deep breath, wetting his lips as he flicks his eyes between my own "Can I kiss you?"
Everything else that happened today seems to slip from my mind as I look at him, I always get too lost in the way he looks at me to remember anything aside from those eyes.
I hold my breath as I nod, and watch as his entire body seems to slump in relief.
I still can't seem to breathe when he leans his face into mine, keeping a faint space between our lips as if he's nervous about going further.
When he presses his lips against mine, it goes as quick as it comes, like he's testing my reaction.
When I don't move away, he pulls my face against his as he kisses me with so much emotion I feel like I could fall over even though I'm sitting down.
He shifts down onto his knees, moving forward to slot in between my legs as his hand goes to thread into the back of my hair to try and pull my impossibly closer to him.
Don't ask me how we went from him yelling at the top of his lungs, to me crying and now we're kissing each other like our lives depended on it - I couldn't tell you, nothing makes sense when it comes to whatever we are, but I don't care at the point.
I'm intoxicated by the familiar taste of him and the whisky on his breath, and I don't know how I'll ever live without it.
He starts to bring himself up to stand as he urges me back on the couch until I'm laying down, only breaking the kiss to steal a few breaths before crashing his lips back against mine.
He moves himself to lean over me, slotting in between my legs and holding his weight up on one hand while the other holds my face.
He pulls his lips away as we both try to catch our breathing and rests his forehead against my own "I was so scared you'd never let me do that again" he says in a hushed tone, sounding relieved and worried at the same time.
"I don't think I could ever do that" I reply honestly in the same tone, bringing my hands up to twirl the soft hair at the nape of his neck.
"That's what scares me the most.."
"What does?" I urge him gently, always trying to grasp at the straws of any honesty or confessions he gives me.
He sounds so full of vulnerability and insecurity, it's making my heart hurt all over again.
"That I'll lose you if you see who I really am"
***
"And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now"
**
A/N: Listening to that song while writing this chapter had me all in my feelings.