After lots of groveling and pleading—and one gorgeous wool scarf later—Kelly was agreeable to the idea of James staying with us. It wasn't actually that much pleading and groveling, and the scarf was really more an early Christmas gift, but I was extra sweet and conciliatory over the next few days, sweetening her to the idea of my boyfriend living with us.
God I was missing the boy. He'd called me when he made it back to Downey, and we talked for a long time until the conversation got a little steamier. Thinking about it now, I blushed pink at how what started with a conversation with how much we already missed making love to each other, escalated to touching ourselves while we moaned and panted over the phone, egging the other towards an orgasm. I didn't even know it was possible to get that turned on just by the things he was saying to me and the sound of him pleasuring himself. It made me tingle even now.
"I miss you Jamie," I whispered out loud since there was no one was in the apartment to hear me.
On Thursdays, I had classes in the morning and Kel had classes in the afternoon and into the evening. Since I was feeling blue, it was nice to have the place to myself, especially on a rainy early December day.
Just then, the doorbell rang and I cursed the mystery intruder. Debating whether to ignore it, I finally dragged myself off the couch and went to answer the front door. Peeking through the peephole, for a moment, I was in stunned disbelief before tearing open the door and literally jumping into James' arms.
"Yer here!" I yelped as I hugged him. "I can't believe yer here!"
He laughed as he pulled me in tight, the familiar sound making my heart soar. "Told ya I'd be back soon."
I leaned back so that I could look up at him. I knew I had the biggest shit eating grin on my face. "I missed you. I know I sound like the clingy girlfriend type, but I missed you so much."
He ran fingers over my cheek as he gazed down at me, his eyes bright with joy. "Aw Leila, I ain't even gonna try and pretend like I haven't been missin' you just as bad. I got my shit taken care of as quick as I could...I needed to see ya again, make sure you hadn't changed yer mind about us...about me."
I knew he was teasing, but there was a little bit of apprehension in his tone. Rather than try and convince him with words, I decided to show him instead.
"I love you Jamie, yer stuck with me," I whispered the words against his lips before settling my mouth on his, my hands sliding up his chest to wrap around his neck.
He groaned into my mouth as he pressed one hand at my back to hold me tighter against him, while the other slid down to cup my ass, squeezing gently. Within moments, we were breathing heavily, hands and lips touching and caressing with insatiable need. Half aware of our public display, I blindly stepped backwards into the house, keeping my hold on him as he let me lead us inside, his lips never losing contact with where he was devouring my neck. Somehow I got the door closed behind us before gently pushing James against it, my hands finding their way under his shirt to the smooth skin underneath.
"Baby"—he sucked in a shaky breath—"do you even know how fuckin' good it feels when you touch me? I haven't been able to think of anything else the last four days. I could almost feel yer hands on me and I'd get so hard I couldn't think straight. It was hell bein' away from ya Leila."
"You better fuck me then Jamie," I breathed hard against his ear while nibbling on an earlobe. "Relieve some of that...pressure."
"Fuck yeah," he grunted as he moved away from the front door, grabbing my hand as he led us to my bedroom.
Clothing, shoes and underclothes flew in all directions as we gave up any pretense of taking things slow; the need in both of us was running too hot. Scrambling onto the bed, I watched with hungry eyes as he discarded the last of his clothes.
Coming to stand by the bed, he stopped for a moment and stared at me, his eyes turning black. "I've always thought you were the most beautiful girl I've ever seen"—he blushed a little as he spoke, looking down at the floor shyly—"but yer even more beautiful like this."
I knelt on the edge of the bed and slipped my arms around his neck. "You mean naked?" I asked teasingly, though I could hear the breathless anticipation in my voice.
He looked up at me then, the reverence in his eyes made my heart beat harder. "It's more than that. It's the way yer lookin' at me—with so much love—and it's knowin' that yer burnin' for me like I'm burnin' for you."
"I do Jamie...I do love you. And god I want you so bad."
To prove it, I pulled his head down towards me so that I could kiss him hungrily. Sinking his hands into my hair, he held me still as he deepened the kiss, his tongue slipping into my mouth to tangle and play with mine as I moaned, warmth beginning to build between my legs. He kept up his assault on my mouth while trailing one hand down to rub at a straining nipple, swallowing my gasp of pleasure. I heard him groan low in his throat, and I shivered with anticipation as I felt his hand slip further down my body, over my belly, and finally to the wet and waiting warmth of my core. I almost came right then as his fingers worked slowly over my clit while his tongue continued ravaging my mouth.
"J...Jamie." I tore my mouth from his, panting heavily. "I'm so close baby."
"Not yet, I wanna try something." Before I could ask what, he was maneuvering me to face away from him. "Bend forward."
I didn't stop to think, instead I went down on all fours, sticking my ass out. I could hear him suck in a breath behind me as he rubbed his hands over my rounded flesh as my trembling increased.
"Please." I didn't care that I was practically begging.
Removing his hand, he gripped my hips and I felt him run his hard length back and forth against my wetness while I moaned at the sensation.
"Fuck, I can't wait any longer either." He groaned low as he finally pushed himself slowly into me.
We both gasped at the sensation of being joined again, and I knew a feeling of completeness that almost made me want to cry. I didn't have time to dwell though as he began to thrust into me at a leisurely pace, the angle causing him to go deeper as my trembling and panting increased with each push. Soon he had me moaning loudly as he slowly picked up the speed, and I instinctively pushed back against him, increasing the depth and friction. I heard him cry out my name, and the desire and love I heard in his voice sent me flying over the edge as I began to shake and shudder, practically screaming his name as pulse after pulse of indescribable pleasure vibrated through my body. Jamie increased his grip on my hips as he I felt him explode inside me, his cries of pleasure mingling with mine. He kept thrusting, wringing out every last bit of our orgasms as we continued to shiver and moan. Finally he came to a stop, and we were still for a moment as we caught our breaths.
Slowly, he ran his hands over my back before bending over me and wrapping his arms around my waist, his breath hot against my ear. "I love you Leila. I love you so fuckin' much."
Twisting in his arms, we ended up lying side by side on the bed, our arms and legs tangled up as we faced each other. I ran fingers over his face as my heart swelled with emotion. I was gonna love this boy forever.
We lay for hours talking and touching, until our stomachs started rumbling and we realized it was past dinner. Reluctantly, we got dressed and went out to the kitchen to forage for food. We'd just sat down for leftover lasagna when Kelly came home. I made her join us, and we had a pleasant meal, eating and talking, though we carefully avoided the topic of Ron. After dinner, Kelly excused herself to go finish a project for a merchandising class that she was taking, so James and I cleaned up the dishes and then went to listen to music in the living room. He kept the lighting low as I put on a really good local eclectic music station on the radio. Turning around, I saw that he'd stretched himself out on the couch already, patting the empty spot next to him with an eyebrow raised invitingly. Smiling, I slipped into the spot and he wrapped an arm around me immediately, pulling me up snug against him. We were quiet for a while as we listened to the Led Zeppelin triple shot the station was playing, though Jamie's fingers tapped over my stomach as he unconsciously mimicked the guitar parts.
"Jamie?"
"Hmmm?"
"How long would you have gone on pretendin' like you weren't in love with me?"
I knew it was a loaded question and I waited with baited breath for his response.
"I dunno. I wanted to tell you every day."
"Were you never gonna say anything?"
He let out a long sigh. "I don't think that was even possible, it was gettin' harder and harder keepin' it together...especially lately. I wasn't gonna last much longer before I blurted it out, but god I was so fuckin' terrified Lei. I kept imagining what would happen if you showed me the door and kicked me outta yer life for good."
My heart clenched in understanding. "I...I was preparing myself for something similar," I said softly as I picked up his hand and placed my palm against his, our fingers mirroring each other—just like our fears. "I was workin' up the nerve to tell ya how I felt, even though I knew there was a good chance that you were gonna tell me you didn't feel the same." I let out a breath. "I...I knew I wasn't gonna be able to recover from that, especially not with you still in my life."
"You were gonna walk away."
I turned in his arms and hugged him tight as I caught the hurt in his voice. "I didn't want to Jamie," I murmured against his chest. "I was so torn up, I didn't know what to do. I kept hopin' maybe there was still a chance that yer feelings would change...but...but then each time I became convinced I was wrong. It was rollercoaster every day. Seein' you with that girl...it forced everything out in the open."
I stopped, the pain of finding them together was still fresh in my mind. I knew he was mine, but the images weren't fading fast enough.
His arms tightened around me as if he could protect me from the hurt I was feeling. "God Lei, I'm so sorry. I never wanted you to see that."
I leaned back to look up at him. "Why...why were you with her Jamie?" I asked the question, even though I wasn't sure I wanted to hear his answer. "Were...were you that horny that you figured you'd just...?" I couldn't finish the sentence, the images making me sick to my stomach.
"No! No Lei...it wasn't like that." He was quiet for a moment. "That morning when I woke up to realize that I'd been molesting you—"
"Jamie, you weren't. I was just as guilty of givin' in to what I wanted. If only you knew how hard it was to put a stop to what was happening."
"I wish I had. All I knew, is that you were bein' so great tryin' to make me feel better...but it only made me feel like more of a perverted asshole. It just reminded me of how amazing you are and how I couldn't lose you...even if it meant that I had to keep pretendin'." He paused for a moment and I knew he was struggling to sort out his feelings. "I was so fucked up after that day. Here I'd been keepin' it together, pushin' all my feelings down deep, but my...my hormones kept givin' me away. I...I thought if I could just be with someone else, not sex, but other stuff...than maybe I could keep my body from reacting when I was with you."
"Did...did it work?"
He put a finger under my chin and lifted my gaze to his. "Not even a little."
"Really?"
His face clouded over. "It was a stupid idea Lei and I didn't get any farther than what you walked in on. The first night she showed up I could barely kiss her, so I gave her some excuse and left, but she showed up the next night like you saw. This time, I...I let things go a little farther. But I kept my eyes closed and pretended it was you. But it felt so fuckin' wrong. Wrong that she wasn't you, wrong that I was usin' her. When you showed up...I figured I really fucked everything up for good and you were seein' that I wasn't worth yer time after all."
"I've never thought that about you Jamie."
He cupped my cheek as he looked down at me, his eyes revealing a raw vulnerability that left me breathless. "That's something I've never understood." He spoke quietly, but I could hear the emotion there all the same. "You've always seen me so differently from how I see myself. I wanna be the guy you see Leila."
"You are." I kissed him then, a tender brush of my lips across his before I pulled back and smiled softly. "You are that guy already."
He smiled at me wanly as he smoothed a bit of hair from my face. "Well fuck, we sure made this way more complicated that it needed to be," he stated bluntly.
Something about his tone and words struck me as funny, and I buried my face into his chest, overcome with laughter. I could feel him shaking as he began to laugh too.
~
The weeks that followed passed at lightning speed, not surprising considering that I was stretched in so many directions. School, the band, the coming holidays, and of course James. I didn't mind any of it though; I was too happy and feeling too blessed to consider anything a hardship these days. He was getting settled in and spending time with Cliff and his group of friends while I was in class or studying for finals. Cliff had agreed to join Metallica after all, and plans were made for Lars and Dave to come up at the end of the month to start rehearsals. Already he and Jamie were jamming together, and James would come home over the moon at the latest addition to the band.
The day after my last final, we headed down to Downey to spend Christmas with my family. I'd already told my mom about the change in my relationship with Jamie and she was happy for us. My dad and Robbie on the other hand were awkward around him for about five minutes, and then somehow things just settled back into the comfortable groove it had always been.
James slept in the guest room while we were there, and I realized how quickly I had become used to being cuddled up against him while I slept. I missed waking up to his sleepy face and mass of tangled hair as he wished me a good morning with a loving smile. I missed having his arms around me and kissing me till I couldn't catch my breath. I missed all the delicious things he did to my body. I could see by the fire in his eyes every time he looked at me, he was missing all of those things as badly as me.
The first few days were spent hanging out and catching up with the family. Our third day back, we ran errands during the day and that night we went over to Hugh's apartment for a party. Since he was going to school at USC, he was one of the only ones in our group to have his own place locally, while the rest of us were staying with our parents when we were back visiting. We hadn't been together since the summer and not since the status of mine and Jamie's relationship had changed. James rang the doorbell, though we wondered if anyone could hear it with the music blasting so loud inside. He gave me a warm smile and squeezed the hand he held snugly in his. The door swung open suddenly and there stood Hugh, slightly buzzed and wearing a Santa hat.
"Dude!" he shouted enthusiastically as he gave a guy hug to Jamie.
Hugh turned to me then and gave me an over-exaggerated head to toe once over. I'd dressed extra nice in a dress with a flowy skirt and spaghetti straps that left my shoulders bare and a nice bit of cleavage. James hadn't wanted to let me out of the house and I knew he was itching to get me alone.
"Damn Leila, you look good enough to—"
"Don't fuckin' say it unless you want an ass kicking." James' jaw was tense as he glared at our friend.
We all knew Hugh could get a little flirty when he was drunk, so I didn't think anything of it. Apparently Jamie wasn't so tolerant.
"Oh come on"—Hugh seemed genuinely bewildered by James' anger—"Leila knows I'm only kiddin'. Damn, who shit in yer stocking Mr. Grinch? The way yer actin' I'd think—" He paused then and looked back and forth at the two of us, his eyes widening at my flushed cheeks. "Holy shit...you two...you two are together?!"
Jamie looked sideways at me and I could tell the attention made him uncomfortable. I subtlety gave a shrug to let him know I was fine with keeping things quiet if he wanted.
He quirked a small smile, his eyes shining with appreciation as he bit the bullet anyway. "Yeah"—he turned to look at Hugh, a big grin stretching across his face—"Leila's my girlfriend now. We're together."
Our friend threw his hands up in the air. "At fuckin' last man! I was wonderin' when you were gonna get yer head outta yer ass."
"Jesus." Jamie shook his head in bafflement. "Did everyone know we had feelings for each other?"
"Not everyone." Hugh gave us a pointed look and we all laughed. "Shit though, that's awesome. I love you both and I'm really happy for ya." Suddenly he stuck out his lower lip, looking dejected. "I guess though, my unrequited crush will just have to continue on...un...requited."
"Um...I'm sorry Hugh..." I patted him on the arm awkwardly.
"Who says I was talkin' about you Lei?"
With a ridiculous come hither look at James, we all started busting up again while he led us inside to the party.
"Hey, just so ya know"—Jamie was trying to get Hugh's attention as we followed him towards the living room—"we're not really tellin' every—"
"Hey look who's here!" Hugh ignored James and shouted to the assembled crowd. "And are finally dating like we've all been waitin' for!"
We followed him in reluctantly, and the room went crazy with cheers and shouts when they realized who Hugh was talking about. We stood there blushing until the some of the boys came over to drag Jamie away and give him shit, while Melissa made her way over quickly and gave me a huge hug.
"Oh my god Lei, I'm so, so happy for you!" Her smile was heartfelt and I could see tears at the back of her eyes. "You deserve this happiness hon."
"Thanks Mel." I hugged her back, grateful for her support at my low times. "You've been an amazing friend."
Jim came over and gave me a warm hug too. Stepping back, he put an arm around his girlfriend's shoulders and smiled at the two of us. "You and James huh?" He leaned in a little then. "I kinda always thought there was something with you two."
"Yeah...I call bullshit."
The fact that sweet Mel, who rarely used profanity, uttered those words, had the three of us laughing. I felt arms slip around me from behind and I leaned back against Jamie's chest.
"What's so funny?" he asked near my ear.
"Jim is trying to take credit for you and Leila," Mel answered straight-faced.
"I wasn't tryin' to take credit..." He mock glared at his girlfriend. "Ok, maybe I didn't exactly recognize that they each had a thing for the other, but I guess I was like a lot of us, we wanted to see you together. You two make sense. You always have."
We were quiet for a moment.
"Yer pretty deep honey," Mel mocked him again.
"Oh come on, you too?" Jim grumbled as the rest of us laughed. "It's bad enough I get shit from the guys when I get all philosophical, but from my own girlfriend?"
Jamie leaned in close. "So is this what I have to look forward to, you sassing me whenever I open my mouth?"
I could hear the humor in his voice.
"Didn't I already do that before?" I asked teasingly. "Guess I'll just have to up my sass now."
"Shit."
James pretended to look horrified and we all laughed at his comical expression as he slipped around to stand next to me, keeping an arm around my waist.
Jim was the first to speak up once the laughter had died down. "So what made the lightbulb go off? What finally got you two together?
James looked down at me, all humor gone as his eyes penetrated deeply into mine. "A leap of faith."
My breath caught and I didn't even realize I was leaning towards him and he towards me until our lips met in the middle, the other couple completely forgotten. I slid my hands up to tangle in his hair as he wrapped his arms tightly around me, our mouths moving gently against each other as the world faded. Many moments went by until we remembered where we were. Pulling away abruptly, I turned bright pink and James ran fingers over my flushed cheeks. I was too embarrassed to look at Mel and Jim.
"Sorry," James mumbled self-consciously.
"Nothin' to apologize for, it's easy to get caught up in each other." Jim chuckled good-naturedly. "When Mel and I first started datin', I kissed her in the kitchen of her parent's house. With her dad standin' there. And her mom."
"Oh my god, my dad turned purple he was so mad," Mel added. "That's when Jim realized he had the perfect stride and stamina for long distance running."
We all fell over laughing at that.
The four of us stood talking for a while, but eventually Jamie and I made our way around the party, talking to different friends and catching up. It was great to see everyone again, but it was also curious to realize how much I had one foot in Downey and one in Berkeley. Especially with Jamie having unofficially made the move up north; somehow Southern California was feeling less and less like home.
"Watcha thinkin' about?" Jamie murmured into my ear as he found me later outside on Hugh's balcony looking at the city lights.
He leaned on the railing next to me, his shoulder brushing up against mine.
"Just how things are changin'." I smiled wistfully as I continued looking at the lights. "When we were kids, it was hard to imagine a world outside of Downey, and now I can't imagine my world being only Downey. I love my life up north, it's my home...now that yer there."
He gave me a crooked smile and nudged me gently with his shoulder. "Home for me Leila, it's always been wherever you are. Could be the moon and I'd be fine...except for the lack of oxygen part." I giggled at that while he continued speaking, "Home is a state of mind for me not an actual place. I'm happiest...and at peace...when I'm with you."
"Yer givin' Jim a run for his money on the whole gettin' deep thing." I smiled at him, though his words were incredibly moving.
"Aw shit, don't tell him that." James turned around so now he was leaning back, his elbows braced on the railing as he looked over at me. "He'll have me and him readin' hippy dippy self-help books and singin' fuckin' Kumbaya while we hold hands."
I laughed at that even as I reached over and cupped his cheek. "Yer my home too Jamie. Yer my safe place, where I feel protected and free to be myself. I love you."
His eyes darkened with emotion as he gazed at me. "I love you."
He stretched over and touched his lips to mine, and I was lost to the sensations his touch always brought.
~
We stayed a few more hours and I figured we'd stay even later, but then James hustled us out the door after a hasty goodbye. As we got off the freeway, I was surprised as he took a left instead of the right we needed to get home. My curiosity mounting, I almost gasped out loud when he turned into the city park we used to frequent. This is where we'd spend many a night staring up at the sky and talking, not realizing that we both were completely crazy about the other.
"Jamie..." I gasped as he pulled into our favorite parking spot.
Turning off the car, he reached into the backseat and pulled out a couple blankets that I hadn't realized he'd brought. Smiling, he climbed out of the car and laid one blanket over the hood, the other, he wrapped around me since the air was much cooler in the late evening and I was wearing a lightweight dress. Helping me get settled, he came around the other side and hopped up on the hood and scooched over until he was sitting next to me. I was half expecting him to wrap his arms around me, but instead, he leaned back against the windshield and looked up at the sky. Disappointed, I did the same, keeping the blanket snug around me.
The colder December weather—well cold for Southern California—meant that the air was clean of the usual summer smog and the sky was filled with more stars than I thought possible for the area. It almost felt like the stars had come out just for us.
"It's beautiful," I whispered, forgetting my disappointment from moments before.
"So beautiful."
I glanced over at James and saw that he wasn't looking at the sky anymore, he was looking at me. His meaning was clear and I blushed at his words. Hearing something that sounded like a growl come from deep in his throat, suddenly he was leaning over me, his lips capturing mine with a head spinning mix of tenderness and barely restrained passion. Cupping his cheek with my hand, I returned his kiss with equal fervor, my heart pounding at the awareness that my dream had come true. All those nights wanting him and waiting for him to notice, and now it was real. A tear ran down my face, but Jamie felt it before I could wipe it away.
Lifting his head, he stared down at me, our faces illuminated by the millions of stars watching us from above. "I know," he whispered against my lips. "All those times sittin' here...inches apart that felt like miles. Now I'm holdin' you and kissin' you, it's....it's a lot to wrap my brain around too."
I nodded at his words. "It's a bittersweet tear. I'm here with you now, but there were so many nights I thought it would never happen with us. It's gonna take a while for me to get used to it." I caught myself looking at his lips. "Maybe...maybe you should kiss me more, help me get used to things bein' different."
I could see the flash of his teeth as he smiled in the dim light before his lips were back on mine, moving over me with barely controlled desire. Soon I was moaning as his tongue found its way into the warmth of my mouth as it slipped and tangled with mine, and his hand found its way under the blanket to fondle my breast.
"Oh god Jamie, I need you so badly," I whimpered against him. "I feel like I'm gonna lose my mind if I can't touch ya or feel you inside me."
"Fuck baby." He groaned against the sensitive flesh of my neck where he'd been nibbling and licking. "Being apart is drivin' me bat shit crazy too."
Deciding we couldn't go another three days without making love, I took matters into my own hands. Pushing him off me and ignoring his look of confusion, I rolled off the car and made my way towards the tree line.
"Bring the blanket." I tossed over my shoulder, giggling as I heard the sounds of James scrambling off the car to follow me.
He caught up with me as I walked deeper into the darkness of the wooded area. Finding a grouping of trees where only the barest of light from the night sky made its way through, I stopped short, feeling Jamie's arms wrap around me from behind. Immediately his lips found their way back to the spots on my neck he'd been kissing earlier, making me moan as I felt the desire in my core flickering to life. The blanket around my shoulders fell to the ground as he slid a hand inside my dress and bra to gently fondle the rounded fullness of my breasts and hardening nipples, my breathing immediately becoming more labored. Slowly I became aware that his other hand was running leisurely up my thigh and under my dress, and then, slipped inside my panties to stroke at my rapidly growing wetness. Feeling myself become lost to the pleasure he was giving me, I reached a hand behind me and carefully unbuttoned his jeans before reaching a trembling hand inside to stroke his hardness.
"Shit!" he hissed against my neck, his body shuddering at the contact. "Keep touchin' me Lei...feels so good."
His lips finally settled on mine, his tongue plunging into the welcoming heat of my mouth as my tongue slicked and slid along his. Unconsciously, our caressing and stroking became more feverish, the need to touch and be touched was almost more than we could handle.
"Need to feel you inside me baby." I was panting against his mouth as I felt him twitch hard in my hand.
Gingerly pulling away from each other, James spread out one of the blankets and sat down, pulling me down to kneel next to him as our lips found their way back to each other and his hands ran all over my body. We kissed and caressed for a few minutes before, catching him by surprise, I swung a leg over his lap to straddle him, settling myself against the bulge in his jeans. Testing out the new position, I rocked forward and back once, shivering as his hardness rubbed against me.
"I fuckin' love this." Jamie moaned against my mouth as his hands gripped my hips to rock me forward and back again.
Soon though we were gasping and breathless at the sensation, and I felt him fumble at the opening of his pants to free himself. Feeling his hand move away, slowly I lowered myself onto him, loving the familiar sense of fullness and pleasure that I was becoming addicted to. Though I couldn't read James' eyes in the dark, I knew he was feeling the same emotions as me. Nothing was as right as when he and I made love.
I began rocking back and forth against him, his grip on my hips guiding me as I slowly picked up speed. Slipping the straps of my dress off my shoulders, he exposed a single breast to suck and lick, making me moan and gasp as I rode him harder.
"So close baby," I whimpered as I worked my hips over him.
He bucked up underneath me then, pushing himself deeper into me as I moved faster, his tongue licking hungrily at my breast as we both panted and groaned. My orgasm hit me hard then, and my scream of ecstasy was captured in Jamie's mouth as his lips came down firmly on mine, his own cries of pleasure caught along with mine as he held me close against his chest as we rode out wave after wave. I was shaking and trembling, but he kept his hold on me as I slowed down gradually, finally coming to rest and laying my cheek against his shoulder as he ran hands up and down my back as our breathing slowed. We were quiet for a while as we stayed wrapped in each other's arms.
"Shit Leila, how is it possible that it keeps getting better?" Jamie finally broke the silence, his voice filled with awe. "Is that normal?"
"I dunno. Maybe cuz it's so new," I whispered back. "We don't have anything to compare it to, so I dunno if this is what other people experience."
His arms tightened around me. "Don't even think about getting comparisons."
I could hear the humor in his voice.
"Maybe just one or two? Just for scientific research of course."
Growling deep in his throat, he managed to roll me onto my back. He loomed over me in the dark, but I knew his eyes were filled with love. I could feel it.
"You're mine Leila and I'm not sharin'," he muttered before kissing me tenderly.
Eventually we made it back to the car and drove home, sneaking into the house without waking my parents. With one last passionate kiss, we each went to our separate rooms, though I could still feel his lips on mine and his hands on my body, long after we parted.
~
The next day was Christmas Eve, and I sent James off to rehearse with Lars and Dave with a dozen ginger man cookies that I'd decorated to look like the members of KISS. I could still hear Jamie's laughter ringing in my ear as I showed him my handiwork. He promptly bit the head off of a Paul Stanley, kissed me thoroughly, and headed out the door. Left to my own devices, I borrowed my mom's car and did some last minute shopping before returning home to wrap presents. Somehow, every year without fail, I'd end up wrapping everyone else's gifts for each other. I'd come back to my room, and there would be a stack from my mom, dad, and Robbie waiting for me. I guess I was the only one with the patience for the task and now it was a tradition. The upside, was that mom would make me cocoa and I'd play holiday music and enjoy the quiet moment to myself.
I especially appreciated the solitude this year as it gave me a chance to think about how much had changed in just a month. Being with Jamie romantically was far better than I could have ever imagined. Not just the sex—though that part was nothing short of mind blowing—but in how our love for each other was deepening our connection, and in how the freedom from no longer having to hide our feelings away, brought a lightness and sense of peace to both of us. This was the life we both had dreamed about and now it was a reality. I wondered if I'd ever get tired of being this happy.
James came back in the late afternoon, tired but excited about his rehearsal with the guys. He'd written a couple new songs over the last few weeks and they'd been able to go through them and work out a rough arrangement for each. While my parents and Robbie finished making dinner, I pulled Jamie out into the backyard and behind some trees for a quick make-out session. If my hair was a little mussed and his lips were a little redder, no one seemed to notice as we grabbed a plate of food and sat down for the traditional watching of It's a Wonderful Life. My mom loved the movie and she made us watch it every year with only the lights from the tree on. I think mom liked the lights off cuz she thinks we won't notice her eyes getting teary, but then again, mine were usually a little misty too. This year though, the darkness also hid how Jamie held my hand the entire movie, and the desire in our eyes as we caught and held glances often.
When the movie was over, Robbie made a cheeky joke about going to bed before Santa came, and my dad yawned and wished us a good night as he followed suit. I told my mom that James and I would clean up, and she gave me a grateful smile before giving each of us a hug goodnight.
As she pulled me close, I was surprised to hear her whisper close to my ear, "Since it's Christmas Eve, James can stay in your room tonight. No sex."
I pulled back, a suspicious look on my face. "Really? What about dad?"
She shrugged nonchalantly. "He doesn't have to know." She glanced over at Jamie who was standing at the sink washing dishes. "I may be part of the older generation, but I remember what it feels like to be in love for the first time, and it's your first Christmas together." She looked back at me, smiling warmly. "Besides, I trust you Leila to make the right decisions for yourself and I trust James to take care of you. Most importantly, I can't take the sad puppy eyes you two keep giving each other; I feel like the evil villain keeping the star-crossed lovers apart." I giggled at that. "Anyway, just make sure he's back in his own bed before your dad wakes up in the morning."
"Thanks mom." I kissed her on the cheek.
"No sex," she whispered one more time before heading upstairs.
James and I finished cleaning up fairly quickly and went about turning out the lights and locking up. Just as I was checking the front door, I felt him come up behind me. Sweeping my hair out of the way, he leaned down and started placing heated kisses on my neck.
My body instantly liquefied as I melted back against him. "Jamie," I moaned low.
"Shhhhhh," he murmured against my neck.
Feeling mischievous, slowly I ground my ass against his growing erection.
"Leila." He inhaled sharply.
"Shhhhhhh," I reprimanded him saucily.
Spinning me around abruptly, he pushed me up against the door, his eyes burning into me and his mouth hovering over my lips. "Yer killin' me baby," he muttered before his mouth descended onto mine.
I was whimpering and writhing in seconds as his hands and mouth made short work of my self-control. Finally he tore his mouth away and leaned his forehead against mine as we both tried to catch our breath. Slipping my hand into his I led us upstairs, and when I felt him tug at my hand to stop me at the guest room door, I pulled him along with me to my room, his eyes going wide with surprise. Closing and locking the door behind us, I continued past my closet and bathroom and towards my bed.
"Leila, what are...?"
"My mom gave permission."
"What?"
"My mom said it's ok."
"Does she have any idea what I wanna do to you?"
I blushed deeply at that and suddenly he was pulling me into his arms, the expression on his face telling me he was imagining all the things he wanted to do.
"She didn't give permission for that," I amended breathlessly, my pulse speeding up at the look in his eyes. "She...she said you could stay the night in here...with me."
He nodded as he gazed down at me. "Yer mom is pretty fuckin' awesome. I don't think I could go another night without you in my arms Lei."
"Well it's...it's our first Christmas as...as a couple and she knew how important it was to us."
He smiled at me tenderly and then his fingers went to the buttons on my blouse and he began undoing them slowly, his gaze never leaving mine. Piece by piece he undressed me and then himself, before we slid between the sheets of my bed and turned off the lights. It felt heavenly to be in his arms again, and I felt a sense of completeness wash over me.
It was quiet for a few minutes until Jamie broke the silence. "So sex is out of the question?"
"I promised my mom," I whispered back, wishing for once that I didn't have an ethical code.
He was quiet for a moment more.
"I can work with that."
Before I could ask what he meant by that, he was diving under the covers and, using his hands and mouth only, was bringing me to a spine melding orgasm in no time. Turn around was fair play, and soon he was the one desperately trying to keep quiet under the ministrations of my hands and tongue. Many minutes went by before either one of us could breathe much less speak.
"That...that might have been stretching the no sex rule just a little bit," I murmured breathlessly.
I heard him give a low chuckle as he pulled me against him, tucking my head under his chin as he wrapped his arms around me. "With all respect to your mom, there was no way in hell I was gonna not touch you." His voice lowered as if he was talking to himself. "I can't control myself when I'm around you Shorty."
"I feel the same way." I snuggled deeper into his arms and let out a small yawn. "Just so you know, I don't need anything for Christmas...I already got the best present I could ever wish for."
"Me?"
"Mmmhmm."
"So should I take back the gift I got you?"
"Not if you value yer life."
We slept peacefully holding each other tight, and in the morning before the sun rose, Jamie snuck back to his room before anyone else in the house woke up.
The rest of the day was a frenzy of opening gifts and making the big Christmas dinner. My parents had invited Jamie's brothers and sister, but only David and his wife were able to come. It was a wonderful time though and Dave was enjoying teasing his little brother about finally getting off his ass and asking me out. There was a lot of that kind of teasing going around the table, but Jamie and I bore it with pink cheeks and no griping. We had been idiots, so the good-natured ribbing was actually kind of deserved.
Eventually the day came to a close, and like the night before, I quietly snuck Jamie into my room. He led me over to the bed and sat me down, settling next to me.
"I got you something, but I didn't want you opening it in front of everyone." Reaching into his pocket and pulling out a small wrapped box.
"But you already got me a gift." I was referring to the photography book I'd unwrapped in front of the tree that morning.
He quirked a small smile as he handed me the gift. "This is just a little something else, but it's kinda personal. Go ahead, open it."
I pulled off the festive paper to reveal a tiny jewelry box. Shooting him a look, I opened it carefully to find a small gold charm in the shape of a heart. Looking closer, I could see the letters "L+J" engraved delicately into the surface of the gold.
"It's meant to go on yer necklace with the musical note." He was looking at me uncertainly.
My eyes were misting with tears.
"It's...it's so beautiful Jamie," I managed to get out.
"Hey...yer not supposed to cry." He reached for me then, pulling me into his arms as I hugged him tight.
"I know." I sniffled. "I'm sorry...you...you just make me so damn happy."
He continued to hold me close as I got the weepies out of my system, until finally I pulled back, smiling sheepishly as he wiped the tears from my cheeks. Helping me with the clasp, we added the new charm to my necklace and I sat back so he could see it on me. The moment sparked a memory and I thought back to the summer when he'd originally given me the necklace. I remembered feeling unsatisfied with how the charm and chain got lost against the band t-shirt I'd been wearing, and I'd pulled the neckline low to better view the piece of jewelry. I'd wondered at Jamie's discomfort and now I understood that it had actually been desire. Feeling inspired to recreate that moment, slowly I unbuttoned my shirt, his eyes narrowing with lust as little by little the necklace was revealed, and with it, more of the curves of my breasts. Shrugging the blouse off my shoulders, I sat under his gaze while he looked me over, his eyes telling me how much he wanted to touch every square inch. Slowly, he reached out a couple fingers to touch the necklace where it sat nestled in the valley of my cleavage. I could see him swallow hard.
"When I gave this to you last summer, I would imagine it on you just like this, and it made me feel closer to you, like you were carrying a piece of me with you." His voice was hoarse and his eyes dark with emotion. "I got this charm to add to your necklace as kind of a symbol. You have my heart Leila...you always have...and you always will."
I had no words, so instead, I kissed him...and then I showed him exactly how much he meant to me too.
~
We drove back to Berkeley the day after Christmas, wanting one day just for the two of us before Lars and Dave came to stay with us while the band started practicing with Cliff. We didn't leave the apartment for twenty-four hours and it was heaven.
Lars and Dave showed up the next day, and though Jamie and I were not thrilled to have to share our love nest, we were both excited about this next chapter for the band. James had been jamming pretty regularly with Cliff over the last month to get him up to speed on their repertoire, and already the bass player was bringing his own flavor and style to the Metallica sound that not only enhanced the music, but pushed James that much more to improve his own performance. Secretly I wanted to go watch that first rehearsal, but I stayed home instead, my gut telling me it was important that they bond and have no distractions. Jamie and I had a hard time not being distracted by each other.
So I cleaned the house and kept myself occupied. Somewhere around 10pm, I got a slurring phone call from James asking if I'd be willing to come pick them up. Apparently the rehearsal had gone very well and the boys had celebrated by getting sloshed. Not that I was surprised.
I'd been to Cliff's house a number of times and had no trouble finding it. Hearing yelling and laughter coming from inside as I approached, I found myself smiling. Knocking loud, the door swung open wide and there stood a grinning Cliff. He was usually more reserved, but it seemed the combination of a satisfying rehearsal and more than a few beers, had put the bass player in a very good mood. In fact, he swooped in and gave me a big hug.
"Leila!" He squeezed me tight and then let go, taking an unsteady step back. "Welcome to mi casa. Ignore the drunk idiots."
"Yer a drunk idiot too!" Lars shouted.
"Fuck off! My house, my rules."
I was already laughing at the easy comradery between them.
Just then, James walked out from the kitchen and came over with a sheepish smile. "Baby, are ya mad about comin' to get us?"
"Nope, not even a little." I smiled wide to prove it.
"Yer one lucky motherfucker Hetfield." Cliff clapped him on the shoulder.
"The luckiest motherfucker," James amended as he stared down at me, the depth of his feelings clear despite his drunken state.
Ignoring the other guys, he leaned down and covered my lips with his as he pulled me into his arms, one hand slipping into my hair to hold me still as his tongue dipped into my waiting mouth. We were both breathing heavy by the time we pulled away from each other. Apparently twenty-fours straight of sex had done nothing to abate our hunger for one another. Smiling wide, James led me over to one of two sofas crammed into the living room, where we joined the rest of the guys and a couple of Cliff's friends as they finished their beers and caught me up on the events of the day. They were all talking over each other and I just sat there with Jamie's arm around me taking it all in, enjoying the energy and chemistry between the guys. Even Dave wasn't getting on my last nerve for once, he seemed just as genuinely excited as the rest of them to have Cliff in the band and was actually funny and charming in his enthusiasm.
We stayed for another hour or so, and then I corralled my little herd of drunk thrash metal musicians into my car and drove them home. Lars was snoring within minutes and James and Dave had to practically drag him into the house. They left him on the floor of the living room and while Dave made himself comfortable on the couch, I put a pillow under the drummer's head and a blanket over the rest of him.
Walking into my room, James was stretched out shirtless and shoeless on my bed, one arm flung over his eyes to block out the light from the side table. Chuckling softly to myself, I closed and locked the door before divesting myself quietly of all my clothing. Sneaking over to the bed, I climbed up on top of him before he could react and laid my head against his chest. Immediately, he slid a hand over to cup my bare ass while running the other hand up and down my back, making me shiver.
"So soft," he mumbled as he continued to fondle and caress me. "Wanna touch all of you."
I could tell that even though he was clearly turned on, there was no way in his drunken state that he'd be able to make love. I decided to torture him just a little though as I slowly moved against him, grinding my pelvis against his hard-on while rubbing my breasts against his chest.
He inhaled sharply at my movements, tightening his hold on me. "Shit baby...I'm gonna fuck you so deep..."
"Uh huh," I encouraged, trying not to giggle.
"And so hard..."
"Uh huh."
"I'm gonna, I'm gonna...hey Lei...is the room spinnin' or is it just me?"
I stopped moving and dropped my forehead down onto his chest as I gave in to the humor of the situation. Gingerly, I climbed off and lay down next to him, gently pulling him into my arms like he'd once done for me when I'd overindulged.
"Sleep baby," I crooned softly as I ran fingers soothingly through his hair. "You can fuck the shit out of me tomorrow."
"Hell yeah I'm gonna..."
And like that, he was out. Jamie had an amazing ability to fall asleep on a dime. Add a little alcohol and he was finished a thousand times over. I didn't mind so much not making love since I knew he'd more than make it up to me the next day, and I treasured just being able to hold him.
"I love you Jamie," I whispered, as I touched the charms around my neck. "You have my heart now and forever."
Smiling, I closed my eyes and slipped into slumber. I dreamt beautiful dreams that night, nothing tangible, just snatches of James and me living a future together, being happy. Still, even in dreams, a darkness skirted around the fringes of my subconscious. Menacing, watching, and waiting.