Today is the first time I wake before my alarm. My eyes settle on the time on my phone and I see that I have thirty minutes before my alarm rings. The events of last night flood my mind and I am hit with a rush of emotions. I rub the back of my eyes as if it will clear the overwhelming guilt of being with my supposed best friend's man.
How can a night with so much promise turn sour so fast? I sniff and hug myself, Paul is an asshole, so am I for taking this long to break off this --whatever it is-- that is--was going on between us. It has gone on for too long and I'm glad I called it off. My heart clenches at that thought, am I really glad?
I sniff again as my legs meet the cold floor, hating myself for having no control of my thoughts which wander to Paul. He keeps talking about a list like I am a renowned sex worker. I have only slept with two men all my life. Two men. Even if the list is longer than that, it's still no business of his.
What about him? He is the one who wants a best friend sandwich. I scoff, talk about double standards. Did he learn how to expertly pleasure women by keeping to himself? Arrogant asshole, I am done with him, I don't care. I will keep my distance.
All the times I mentioned Chi, he dodged the topic. I should have taken that as a sign yet I let him kiss the questions out of my mind. He is a great kisser, I will give him that and a part of me fears being caught alone with him. I hate that I always want to be in his good book, I didn't care what Edwin thought of me as much as I do now with Paul. His presence makes my body throb with need and a strange desire to please him but that's not all, I like being around him even if all we do is sit in silence. He brings me peace.
Padding out of the bedroom, my heart thumps at the thought of seeing Paul after refusing his offer of a kiss. He must have been shocked, I still am but like he said, we all have choices and I chose not to kiss him again. I twirl my pendant; I hope I can keep to this promise once I set my eyes on him.
Paul is hot, as hot as the meals he prepares. In my shirt and shorts, he looks hotter than any male I have ever seen. Who knew a man could look that sexy in my clothes? Argh. I hit my head repeatedly. Focus. I need to focus, remember Chi is the sister I never had. I love her too much to betray her. I pick her over a confused man who thinks it okay to hurl hateful words at me.
But I hurt him too. I sigh and pull off my hair bonnet. My actions hurt him but it doesn't make it wrong. I slept with King and when I did, I was a single lady, I still am. Paul has no right to be upset because he has not made his intentions for me clear. How should I have known he was giving me space to get over Edwin? My chest rose and fell, I close my eyes and open it slowly. Handsome men will not be the death of me.
Bracing myself for what I will say or do in case he is already awake, a frown flits to my lips when my eyes land on the empty couch and heap of folded clothes. He left.
Paul left me again.
His absence hits me harder than I expected, my heart constricts and I sink into the couch he vacated. Seconds pass before I stand again, the next few minutes are a blur as my feet take me to the stereo. I connect my phone to the speakers and no more pain by Mary J. Blige fills the air soon after.
* * *
"Good morning madam."
My head whips in the direction of the voice and my heart sinks to the pit of my belly when I sight Chi through the transparent doors. She's smiling at me. I look down at my toenails covered in white nail polish, the black wedge sandals I matched with my plain trouser. I don't deserve her smile or her friendship.
I leave the door open for her, stand by the side and wait for her bubbly self to join me. "You are early," she states and takes a glance at her wristwatch, "too early."
"Hey," I say and hit her arm, "I am always early." A proud smile graces my lips at my declaration. Since I started work here, I have never been late. Not even once.
Chi rolls her eyes and says, "You know what I mean." She takes another look at her wristwatch. "It's not even seven yet."
To that, I have no response, not until we are alone and in a private place. "Will you join me in my office, please? I want to talk to you."
Chi's eyes raise to meet mine and she nods like a child who has been offered a trip to an amusement park. Her loop earrings dangle and she sticks out her tongue at me. I giggle, I know now that she comes from money, her parents are stinkingly rich but she will not introduce them to me. She says all I need to know is that they are rich and that is how she can afford the lavish life.
"How was your date?" My smile diminishes at her question and the guilt intensifies. "I was calling and because you were with man, Paul, you refused to pick. Is that how it is now? What if it was an emergency?"
There's no judgement in her voice but my sins will not let me meet her gaze. "That's what I want to talk to you about. But in my office." She stops what she's doing and cocks her head to one side. "Can we go now?"
A moment of silence passes, I bite my lip while waiting for her to finish what she's doing on her desktop. My fingers drum on the counter, I sigh and roll my eyes, she is taking too much time. I lean over the desk to catch a glimpse of what she is doing when I sense his presence behind me.
"Paul," I whisper as soon as I turn around.
The statement draws Chi's attention from her desktop, she smiles at him and he reciprocates. He hasn't spoken to me yet and I am not sure he will. I guess my refusal to kiss him means I am back to the silent treatment zone. I don't want that but I can't find the words to say to him.
His eyes lower to me and I shrink internally, his lips part open but he doesn't say a word, neither do I. I have no idea what to say to him. We are done, now what? I don't know. Chi must have noticed the tension because she clears her throat and I offer her an awkward smile. She reaches over the counter, pinches Paul on the cheeks and retracts her hand with a wink before he has a chance to react. I sigh, almost choking with guilt. They are cute together.
"Let's go," she says and walks around the counter to join me. I take one last look at Paul who has his eyes set on Chi and a small frown on his face. They are so in love with each other, it's glaring. How did I miss it?
When none of them makes a move to end their staring bout, I grab Chi by the elbow and I don't let go until we are inside the elevator, far away from Paul. They can stare at each other like the main characters of a Bollywood movie when I am not there. Besides, I have a stupid confession to make.
"What's wrong with you?" Chi grumbles and smoothens the front of her gown. "What's up with you and Paul? How was the date?" She straightens up and gives me a onceover that has me cringing. How does she know all this? "You didn't like the place?"
The elevator is still six floors away from my office so I turn to look at her, I can't keep it in anymore. Chi's smile when she notices me looking at her is one of confusion, her hands settle on her waist and she raises her eyebrows. Her red knee-length gown hugs her curvy shape, as usual, we are almost the same height with our high heels.
"I kissed him," I say solemnly like she's a priest who I am confessing my sins to. In a way she is, it's her response that will take away some of the guilt I feel. "I kissed Paul."
Her hands on her waist drop to her sides, she averts her gaze and I take it as a sign that she's too disappointed in me to want to see my face. I can't blame her; I am a sham.
"I'm sorry," I say without looking at her. "I don't want us to stop being friends over this. The guilt is eating me up already, I can't live with seeing you every day, claiming to be your friend only to go behind your back to kiss your man. It's okay if you won't talk to-"
"Pauline." I shake my head. "Pauline."
Her cry to shut me up falls on deaf ears. I can't stop talking now, I want to get everything off my chest before she gives her verdict.
"We went out yesterday and I kissed him." I shake my head a little, I would have more than kissed him if King didn't interrupt us. I like Paul too much for my good. "I shouldn't have, it was a mistake and I told him that..." I raise my eyes to her face and continue, "That's why we are not talking anymore."
The elevator comes to a stop; the door slides open but we remain inside. Our eyes bore into each other with me trying to decipher the emotions in hers. I don't want us to stop being friends because of a man. I don't.
Chi steps out first and I follow behind her. The short walk to the front of my office is made in silence and the sound of our heels as it connects with the tiled floor echoes throughout the corridor. When we step into my office, the sound that breaks the silence is that of the AC as it purrs to life after I hit the button on the remote.
"Do you like him?" Chi asks as she settles into the seat in front of my desk. I search her face for any signs to see if she is joking. She is not but that doesn't reassure me.
"No."
Chi blinks and she sits up. "If you don't like him, then you should stay away from him. Paul has been through enough already; he doesn't need to add more women drama to his plate." She taps the edge of my desk then looks up. "If you like him which I know you do," she smiles, "you have my blessings."
My gaze lowers to my desk briefly, I am not the best liar. "But he's your boyfriend."
"Says who?"
"You," I start, "you said he's off limits."
She burst into a fit of laughter that does little to ease the tension in my shoulders.
"Not to you, girl. I only said that because you mentioned your single friends, I don't know them but I know you." Her head bobs and she continues, "Paul is off limits to your friends, not you. Who do you think gave him the idea for your date yesterday?"
My mouth opens and closes. "Me. If Paul is my boyfriend, I will not let you go out with him, I won't even leave you two alone for long. What?" She shakes her head. "No."
"But. But you touched his cheeks," I whine, trying to think up all those moments I saw them do couple related stuff. "That day you came inside the hotel; you were holding hands." My eyes lower to the table where I sat when he came into my office, I bite my lip and say, "I kissed him that day too."
A peal of laughter slips from her and I pout. "You have nothing to worry about from me, I promise." Her hand disappears from the table and when it comes back up, she has a phone with its screen pointed at me. "That's Obim, my boyfriend. Paul is my best friend."
Her boyfriend is a bald handsome man with a kind smile that makes you want to smile back at him. He is fine but he doesn't hold a candle to Paul. I like Paul's smirks, his throaty laughter, cocky remarks and the meals he cooks. I like everything about him. I lean into my chair and sigh in contentment. I can have him now and I will.
Weightless.
The invisible ropes around my chest begin to fall and my shoulders sag in relief as I relax into my chair. "I like him, I like Paul."
"He likes you too," she says with so much seriousness, all trace of laughter gone. "And if you really did tell him your date was a mistake, you might want to apologise. Paul is stubborn and he will take it to heart. He won't talk to you until he's sure he can handle seeing you. He's too stubborn."
The familiarity with which Chi talks about him makes me want to know more about Paul. I want to know him; I want to be his best friend too. What has he gone through? Why did he move to Calabar? The answers to these questions lie with him and I heave a sigh. It might take a while for him to trust me again, he thinks the worst of me now.
"I have been on the receiving end of Paul's silent treatment before," I murmur. Chi laughs like she's aware of that and I don't bother to ask if she is. "But I don't think he will talk to me again. I ruined it last night, we said some harsh words to each other."
"Pauline, calm down. It's Paul we're talking about, he will come around. Trust me."
My head moves left and right, she doesn't get it. She thinks that's the only reason but there's more, the fact that I slept with King is the major stumbling block in our way. If he and Chi are nothing but best friends, why didn't he just say something? I sigh and shake my head, he did try, by kissing me into silence. I blink and my body throbs at the reminder, I want him to kiss me again.
"I slept with King," I say and when her eyes widen, I try to defend myself. "I was horny and I thought you two were together. It was meant to help me get over him and now he won't talk to me because of it."
The laughter that takes over Chi has her hitting the table. She pauses to take a look at me then goes back to laughing and I feel so foolish for misreading the signs.
"This woman, you can jump o," she laughs, "you jump into conclusions like there's an award for it. Me and Paul are not dating, we can't and we will never date. I love Obinna."
"I didn't know," I say like a child whose parent seized her favourite toy. I sigh. My voice lowers to a whisper as I begin to narrate everything that happened last night without leaving out any detail. When I'm done, I sigh again. "What will I do now?"
Chi nods, her lips pull into a thin line. I like that she doesn't judge me for sleeping with King, that's the same energy I want from Paul. But I can understand his reaction and if I am being honest with myself, I will be upset with him if I find out he slept with some other woman after we kissed. But he left.
"Come over," she says and my ears perk at the sound of that. "Come over to my house this night. I'll invite Paul too, you two can settle it at my place. We will work this out."
Her suggestion warms me over, I hug myself and smile till my cheeks hurt. Chi giggles but I can only nod my approval and continue smiling at her since the words I want to say are stuck in my throat.
"I will take my leave now, come by seven," she says with a wink, then walks to the door. "Come with pringles, he likes those."
Excitement flows through me, the thought of seeing Paul tonight has me humming a tune as I begin to set up for the day. If Chi had stayed a few seconds longer, I would have pulled her into a bone-crushing hug. She has made my morning; she has made my love life. Giggles escape my lips and my hand goes over my mouth. I need to behave.
A rapid series of knocks on my door interrupts my jubilation, my fingers still on my laptop's keyboard and I ask the person to come in, not at all familiar with his name. A young man comes in holding a lunch bag.
"Yes, Aaron?" I smile upon seeing him. He was employed a few days after Paul and he has been dedicated, eager too. I like him.
Aaron clears his throat and his eyes lower to the bag. "Mr Paul asked me to drop this."
"What's inside?"
"Your breakfast."
My smile expands, I have not had breakfast yet. I had been too preoccupied to do that. The sight of the flask inside the bag Aaron sets on the table has my heart doing a little backflip and I stare at it longer than I should. I wish he brought it himself, I want to see him. But I will wait for tonight.
Aaron shifts his weight from leg to another, I look up and say, "You can go, thank you."
As the door closes behind Aaron, a warm feeling wraps around my chest and I smile. There's hope, there's hope for me and Paul.
**********
As agreed, Adesuwa Etomi is Chi.
Picture: Adesua Etomi.
Wattpad just gave me a near heart attack. I couldn't find chapters 14 and 15 and I was starting to panic because I had only written it down on wattpad. So I was freaking out and it wasn't just a little.
It's all good. I found it but an old edition, so I had to like write it again.