"Carve your name into my arm
Instead of stressed I lie here charmed
'Cause there's nothing else to do
Every me and every you"
***
This month has been... Different to the last.
As sure as I was that I wouldn't see Harry again, it's been the exact opposite.
He started coming by my work again, walking in with that same charismatic smile like he owned the place.
He has Maurine wrapped around his finger, she's always patting him on the cheek and telling how lovely of a boy he is, always reminding him not to forget to drop by again soon.
I don't miss the way he watches me at work, and he's started a habit of sending me text messages while he's there. Making vulgar or lewd remarks just to watch me nearly drop my phone or have to explain to Maurine why I look so flustered.
I remember the day I was standing on a step ladder, cleaning off the menu chalk board when my phone vibrated in my apron, when I pulled it out to check it I dropped the wash cloth and nearly fell backwards at the same time.
Harry:
Received 12.03pm
Do us a favour and slip and fall off that onto my face darling :)
I earned an amused chuckle from Harry from gripping onto the ladder like a scared cat.
Maurine had asked what was going on and Harry simply smiled innocently at her saying "Nothing, I was just telling Abby she looks like she needs to sit down"
He's a safety hazard.
A sinful bloody hazard.
The other habit that started, which has left me sleepless many times wondering what the cause is, were his desperate calls in the middle of the night, they weren't too often, but they happened.
It would always result in the same thing, me turning up at his house to a destroyed looking Harry, sometimes he was off his face, other times he just looked broken. They ended with us tangled in his bed, staying wrapped around each other till the next morning, sometimes having small conversations, sometimes just staying silent, until we fell asleep.
Not once has he ever remotely given me an answer to what's been wrong, and after the first two nights I just stopped asking, deciding to just try to comfort him the best I can, because I realised that's what he was after.
Sometimes he reminded me of a small child after a nightmare, needing to be reassured and soothed back to sleep, other times he just reminded me of a shell, completely blank and nothing inside.
I may not see him everyday, and some days I have no idea where he is, he just reappears like nothing happened, and I've almost become used to the routine of it.
I'm still just as confused as when this whole thing started, and I always have this sick feeling in my stomach that one day he won't come striding though the front door at my work, or that my phone won't ring in the middle of the night.
I'm just clinging to it while it lasts I guess.
.....And I guess the other major difference this month is that I left Andy.
It was only a couple of days after the night Harry took me home, I couldn't handle the guilt any more. If I loved Andy as much as I thought I did, I wouldn't be feeling these things towards Harry. I would never want to lead someone on or toy with their emotions, there's nothing more cruel than false hope.
I knew I was walking a dangerous tightrope spending time with Harry, so I decided to end things before I slipped and fell, doing something I couldn't come back from.
I thought ending things would hurt more, but I didn't feel heartbroken, only guilty. And Harry's words kept going through my mind about how I always do what people want me to do, and not what I really want. I wonder if that's what Andy was for me, the person I knew it would make everyone else happy for me to be with, mainly my mother.
The main deciding factor for me leaving Andy though, was Sophie. I finally told her what happened, the night he grabbed my arm and nearly smacked me in the face and her fury filled rant about how she was going to, in great detail, turn his testicles into a pair of earrings and make him wear them while she strangled him with his work tie had me in tears.
She made sure that I understood that no one is allowed to put their hands on me, and even once is too much, and I should of left him a long time ago.
Part of me knows she was secretly cheering on the inside when I told her that I'd ended things.
I still haven't been able to explain Harry to her though, I don't know how to explain him to anyone.
I'm glad I had Sophie to talk to, when I explained it to my mother she was furious, telling me I was stupid and foolish to throw away someone as wonderful as Andy. When I told her what he had done, she asked what I had done to make him react that way, because that didn't sound like the Andy that she knew.
I haven't spoken to her since, I refuse to apologise for leaving him.
Andy has been persistently sending me flowers, chocolates, apology letters, no matter how much I've asked him to stop.
He's pleaded that we at least stay friends, to which the guilt in me cautiously agreed, he's still begging me to work at his father's firm, and I don't think he's told his father yet that we aren't together - he said it would embarrass him.
When I told Harry I was considering working at Andy's fathers firm, he went on a rant about how I'm just doing what people want me to do and I shouldn't be working somewhere like that, that I was better than that.
I haven't told Harry I ended things with Andy, I'm not entirely sure why, I'm scared it will change the relationship we have when it feels so delicate already.
There's also that anxiety in me that I don't have Andy as an excuse any more, and to be honest I'm scared about what will happen if I take the final step and finally give in to Harry.
There still seems to be this safe distance with us, where he's close but not too close, and it makes me feel more at ease in case he does just disappear again.
I know kissing him will be the final nail in my coffin, and that terrifies me.
For once in my life, things aren't predictable, they aren't safe and I have no idea what's going to happen but for once I actually feel alive.
I agreed to have Andy over for dinner tonight, his incessant begging breaking down my resolve and leaving me feeling sorry for him, the kindness in me still wants to believe he's a good person, I'm just not meant for him.
I answer the door just as my phone rings, asking the pizza guy to please hold on one moment and apologising profusely.
I grab my phone from the kitchen counter, answering it and holding it to my ear with my shoulder as I pay the teenage boy and tell him to keep the change.
"Hello?"
"Hi there, is this Abigail Reed?" a sweet female voice asks.
I frown at the unfamiliar voice, kicking the door shut with my foot and placing the pizza down on the kitchen bench "Yes, speaking"
"I'm sorry for calling you late, we had a busy day, my name is Claire from Preston Animal Rescue Shelter"
I pull my phone back, looking at it still puzzled before placing it back next to my ear "That's okay....uh, how can I help you?"
"I was just calling to see if you were free next Monday for an interview? We received your resume and it's just what we're after" she asks.
I just about drop my phone "Uh-uhm, I'm, I beg your pardon? My resume?"
"Yes, the one you emailed us? It was in response to the Ad we posted for the photographer for the animals we in take at the shelter? You know, to help them look more adoptable. The nicer the photos, the more of a chance they have"
I look around my apartment confused, as if I'm looking for answers I won't find. What the fuck is going on?
"I'm sorry, I've had a really stressful week, I really don't mean to be rude, could you please just refresh my memory again, when did I send that in?"
The woman on the phone laughs warmly "Oh don't worry honey, I understand a stressful week, trust me. It was last week"
I furrow my brows, trying to remember if I got black out drunk without realising and emailed an animal shelter on a whim.
"So is next Monday okay for you? The position is mostly photographing the animals but it will include general tasks around the place, from the reference letter I received with it I think you'll be perfect for it"
I blink a few times, shaking my head with my mouth hung open "Uh...sure...Monday. Monday is fine - listen I'm really sorry to ask again, but who is the reference letter from?"
She pauses for a moment, sounding like she is flicking through papers "One second honey"
I chew on my nail cuticle, creasing my brows further as I try to think of how my resume ended up there, or who the hell would have my resume or if I did indeed just drink myself to the point of applying for a random job.
It's my dream job but I don't even have the capacity to register that at the moment.
Wait, am I dreaming?
I pinch my arm, jolting and cussing under my breath.
Nope.
I'm awake.
"It was a fantastic letter, really portrayed how important caring for animals is for you, your love for dogs in particular and your passion and talent with your photography, I wish someone wrote letters about me like that" she jokes, and I let out a nervous laugh that sounds like a wheeze.
"Ah! Here it is, it says here..... The letter was written by Mr.Styles, first name Harry"
"What!" I shout out with eyes that look like they're about to fall out of my head.
I quickly try and compose my out burst, thinking I've probably just sounded like a crazy person this whole conversation "Sorry, I'm so sorry again, there was a ....spider in my kitchen"
"That's....okay..." the woman sounds confused, that makes two of us.
"So" she clears her throat "Monday at 12pm work okay?"
I press my hand to my forehead pacing back and forth in my kitchen mouthing 'fuck fuck fuck fuck'
"That's fine" I squeak, trying to hide the stressed crack to my voice.
"Wonderful! Well I'll see you then Abby, you enjoy your Tuesday night"
"You too, thank you" I wheeze out, pinching the bridge of my nose.
As soon as the phone hangs up, I shriek "What the fuck!" smacking my hands against my forehead distressed, forgetting I'm still holding my phone and crack myself straight in the temple with it.
"Son of a bitch!" I hiss
I wince holding my head as I bring my phone down to squint at it, like I'm willing it to give me answers.
Did Harry seriously send in my resume to that place without telling me? What the hell is with that reccomendation letter - how the fuck did he even get my resume?
Why would he do that?
I open my messages and type with my thumbs smacking against the key pad a hundred miles an hour.
Harry:
Sent 6pm
Do you want to explain to me why I just got offered an interview at an animal shelter on Monday?
I grip my phone as I sit at my dining table, holding my forehead in my hand praying this is one of those days where he actually replies.
Within moments my phone dings.
Harry:
Received 6pm
Oh you did? I had no idea. Congratulations love. ;)
I glare at the winky face. Picturing that smirk on his dumb head.
Harry:
Sent 6:01pm
Do you want to explain to me how they got my resume?
Harry:
Received 6:01pm
I'd assume it's because you sent it to them.
Harry:
Sent 6:01pm
Well I didn't
Harry:
Received 6:02pm
Huh.... How strange
I grind my teeth, fed up with his playing dumb act and press the call button.
Within seconds he answers, purring casually into the phone "Evening little mouse, miss me already?"
"Cut the shit Harry, how the hell did that place get my resume with a letter from you?" I snap exasperated.
He clicks his tongue disapprovingly "Are you alright love? You sound stressed"
I resist the urge to beat my head against the dining table and close my eyes taking a slow calming breath "Harry... How did you get my resume?"
I can hear that fucking smirk in his voice "Have I ever told you how fond I am of that boss of yours?"
My jaw drops "Maurine was in on this with you?"
Harry hums into the phone, his deep voice dripping with mischief "We're thick as thieves young Mauzy and I, we've become quite close"
"Harry! You can't just go around handing my resume in at places! What were you thinking! What was Maurine thinking! Why the hell did you do that?" I rant stressed, feeling my blood pressure rise by the second.
"Tell me Abby, you like photography don't you?" he asks, avoiding my frantic questions.
"What?" I scrunch my nose up "You know I do but-"
"And didn't you say you'd love to work at an animal rescue?" he cuts me off casually.
"Well yes - But Harry, you can't just-"
"I believe the word you're looking for is Thank you, Abby" he cuts me off again, sounding more and more entertained by my nervous break down.
I open my mouth, only to clamp it shut again, pulling the phone away from my ear and covering the mouth piece and whisper yelling 'what the fuck is wrong with him' at my potted cactus in the middle of the table, like it could honestly answer me.
I take a slow breath, bringing the phone back to my ear "Why did you do that Harry?"
"Why do birds fly?" he asks instead of answering my question.
I rest my face in my hand, already defeated over his incessant inability to answer a question "I don't know Harry? because they can"
"There's your answer" he says with that usual smug tone.
Before I can say anything else he speaks again "I have to go, but I'll be seeing you soon Abby, say Hi to Maurine for me"
The call ends before I can object, and I toss my phone on the table, folding my arms on it and burying my face in them.
Everytime I think Harry can't possibly surprise or shock me, he always does something to rip the rug straight out from underneath me.
I barely have time to process the plot twist in my own life before there's a knock at my door, and I drag myself to my feet, trudging towards it with a frown.
As I grab the doorknob and swing the door open, I want to slam it shut again. I forgot he was even coming after what just happened.
I look to the flowers gripped in his hands, and those same big brown puppy dog eyes.
"Hey Andy" I sigh "Come in"
***