Despite the ongoing struggle of adapting to my new life, I'm glad things have started settling back down, at least for now. I'm learning a lot more about Ms. Montgomery than I ever thought I would, and it turns out she's actually pretty cool. Apparently she was somewhat of a rebel in her younger years too. I still get notes from Brent in my locker and we still sit up at night to talk on the phone, but things aren't completely the same with us either, we finally have a safe place to spend time together. It was weird at first, but then the strangeness faded and it all started to feel so, I don't know, almost normal.
Ms. Montgomery has her own rules, of course, so Brent and I have to get creative when we want to be intimate. I get it though, it's not that big of a deal and I'm honestly feeling so much better about my situation than I have been. Part of me even wants to say I'm happy, but I don't know if I can ever be that with what I've given up. I'm trying not to have any regrets, I did the best with what I had and it's not like there was much of a choice. For some reason I miss my dad, even after everything, but I guess it shouldn't be all that shocking. No matter what he said, he's still my dad.
I miss Grace too, especially now that I've moved on from all the pointless bullshit I was holding onto. I want to reconnect with her, but any time I work up the nerve I can't think of what to say. At least I'm working on it, right? Today I just want to count my blessings and focus on something that doesn't seem so life and death. Prom is right around the corner now, and I'm back to being like every other teenager in America as I make my decision on what to wear.
"Don't you look handsome?" Ms. Montgomery stands behind me, beaming like a proud parent while she needlessly brushes off the shoulders of the jacket I'm wearing. The tuxedo is nice but I feel a little guilty about how much it costs to rent, seeing how I'm not the one paying for it. Then again it hadn't been my suggestion, and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have taken no for an answer. She's been bending over backwards trying to give me the senior year she thinks I deserve.
"I mean, it is nice, but are you sure?" This look really does suit me. The old me would've just slapped on anything, but now my peers expect me to look a hell of a lot better. I'm not the only one here, the shop is filled with a ton of kids from school looking to secure their outfits for what's probably the most important event in high school. So far I'm dressed better than any of the guys I've seen, which is a major plus, but I hate to hold my hand out. "You've already done enough for me, you don't have to do this."
"Listen to me, you only get one prom and we're going to do it right." Her hands drift down until they're on my arms, and she gives me a gentle rub. "Remind me to show you a picture of what I wore to my senior prom, trust me, you'll want to look back on this night without being embarrassed."
"What did you wear?" My curiosity is piqued and I flash her a skeptical grin. Whatever it was must've been terrible, because she immediately makes an exasperated face.
"A pantsuit." She laughs at herself, which is probably easier since I'm laughing too, but she still comes to her own defense quickly. "It was a different time back then, me and a couple of my girlfriends wanted to make a statement. Anyway, you get my point. I want to make sure this is special for you."
"Thanks." I turn to her and smile again, still not completely sure how to respond to a kindness I can only describe as unconditional. "For everything. To tell you the truth I wasn't even sure I wanted to go to prom, but I think you're right, I need to start living."
"I usually am." Ms. Montgomery jokes, beaming with that same pervasive pride. I think she meant it when she said I'm special, but I guess I'm not used to someone looking at me the way she is now—like I'm not a fuck up—which is all I ever really wanted from my dad. It seemed so hard to attain before, but she gives it freely when I'm not even trying. "It's good to be young, Jonah, like I said. Enjoy it while it lasts, you'll only get to experience it once."
"I will." It's an easy promise to make, and mostly because she's provided me with the tools. There are just a few months left of high school now, and I know they're going to fly by as quickly as the rest of the year has. It's an inevitability that's become far more sad and terrifying than it's ever been before, but I get through it by basically burying my head in the sand. Instead I'm going to do what she says, I just want to remember how this was. Today and the day before. When I first kissed Brent and when I met Grace. The good and the bad, God help me, I want to remember how it all was.
"That's what I want to hear." She infers everything I mean from my simple response, and we share another quiet moment together before she changes. It's important she keep reminding me to stay on track, but for right now she wants to return to our ordinary day. After our moment ends she puts away the cloying sentimentality and fishes her cellphone out of her purse, snapping a picture of me in the tuxedo. The heroic pose I strike prompts a chuckle, "so what do you think? Is this the one?"
"Definitely." I answer with a degree of over exuberance, practically cringing when she shows me the photo. I'd tell her to delete it but I know she won't. Besides, I actually kind of like the way it turned out, even though it is super cheesy.
"Okay, I'm going to go talk to the clerk, why don't you wait here." Ms. Montgomery seems happy too, but I have to wonder if she's like me. If she is she hides it well, and I stare after her while she saunters up to the counter. I only watch her for a second before my eyes start to wander, and eventually they settle on the door as two familiar faces enter. Queen is the first one I see, hands flying around in front of him while he makes a series of excited gestures. He's not alone, of course, Grace is in tow right behind him, seeming as though she's hanging on every word he says.
She looks well, and I can only guess they're here to pick out their matching prom outfits. They'll be going together, seeing as they're in the running for prom king and queen. Obviously she'll have my vote, but my heart already belongs to a different king. I am jealous of him though, and not just because he actually has a date. There was a time where I just assumed I'd be going with Grace and we'd experience it together like we have everything else. I took our friendship for granted in that way, and like so many other things I always thought it'd be there.
Again I'm presented with an opportunity to approach her, but I still don't know what the hell I would say. Especially not when she's with Queen. He might think he's her new best friend, but he'll never know her like I do, no matter how hard he tries. Whenever I finally manage to think of how to reconnect with her, it'll be during one of the very rare times he's not lurking in the shadows. It's not just that I don't trust him, but it isn't any of his goddamn business. Sure, I feel bad that I punched him, and he gets a few points for not snitching—which is weird—but I can't forgive him. He's not even sorry.
I end up standing in the same spot I've been, staring at them while I try valiantly to convince myself I'm not jealous. Grace must sense me somehow, and she cranes her neck to look right at me like she's known I've been here the whole time. The expression she has tells a different story, and instead of shying away I offer a small wave. Her lips turn inward, a guarded smile, and she waves back, catching Queen's attention in the process. Who knows what might've happened had he not intervened, but as soon as he sees me his face goes blank, and he taps her on the arm before leading her someplace out of sight.
I'm a little pissed at first, but I realize it's not worth the energy. Besides, I've done my share of damage to both of them, I can't be too surprised. Ms. Montgomery's still at the counter, and I go back to watching her as a heavy hand hits my shoulder.
"It took me forever to get dressed, what the fuck are all these buttons for anyway?" Brent moves uncomfortably, evidently finding that the tuxedo is far less versatile than his varsity jacket. I stifle the laugh I feel coming because I know how stressed he is about all this. It was his idea that we come pick our outfits out together, even though we can't go to prom as a couple. We can't really be as informal as I want to be right now either, not with so many of our classmates here, but he still straddles the line like always when he comes one step too close. "You look hot."
"So do you." I tell him. It's hard to imagine he could be any sexier than he already is, but all the proof I need is standing in front of me, perfectly fitted into a tuxedo that emphasizes all the right lines. I'm no longer the best dressed guy here, and I don't even mind. I hope I'm just as pleasing, but I can see a hunger in him that tells me not to worry. In fact, he's almost wearing his heart on his sleeve, which is a dangerous move considering where we are. Yet he's as confident as always, he probably thinks nobody will pay us any mind, despite the fact that he's every girl's envy. People know I tutored him though, they might believe we're friends, it's not so impossible now that I've had a makeover. I don't want to worry about it, I'm having a good day. "You ready for prom?"
"More like ready for it to be over." He rolls his eyes, making sure I understand how he feels. He says he doesn't like this any more than I do. He says he wishes he could dance with me instead of Madison. We both know the rules though, and I'm supposed to know why he has to be with her, but with each day it starts to make less and less sense. Not the reasons, those will always make sense, but I'm losing sight of why those reasons are important. I've liked having our safe space, I like what I'm learning about myself, and I guess it really does help make things clear. The worst part is over, what's stopping me from just being myself now? His mind is elsewhere. "How about you? What's this I hear about you not wanting to go?"
"Technically I said I wasn't sure." Obviously my conversation with Ms. Montgomery hadn't been as private as I thought. I wouldn't have told her if I knew he'd hear it, I don't want to add to his troubles. "You must have good ears."
"Well you were only like five feet away." His face twists into a portrait of warmth and affection, and despite how he teases me I can tell he's actually enjoying himself. No matter how stressed he's been about all this, apparently I'm enough to bring light into his world. That makes me happy, without a doubt, and I wish it could just stop right there, but he wants everything. "So why were you thinking about skipping prom?"
"Does it matter? It's stupid." Nothing I say will make him feel better, and I've already decided it was just my petty emotions. He still feels like he should be concerned though, I figure he probably wants to make sure this night is special for me too, but I don't think there's any way around it. Of course he's not going to let me go without an answer either, so I muster up every ounce of playfulness I have in hopes it'll come off as lighthearted. "I don't know, man, I guess it feels like everyone else has someone to go with but me. I kind of didn't want to spend the whole night watching the only guy I care about dancing with someone else."
"I'm sorry." Brent is to the point, and he says it with such empathy that I know he's sincere. It's clear that he's been thinking about it just as much as I have, and I can tell how torn he is about it. I'm sure he feels the same way, just not enough to break our rules—not like this. But me? I think I'd take his hand if he asked me to dance. It's not important, or at least that's what I tell myself, so I only shrug it off before straightening out the collar of his jacket. Then I let my hand travel further down to his chest where it lingers. The hunger returns to his eyes, but then he glances over my shoulder and takes a big step back, brushing my hand away. He clears his throat, his voice deepening as he becomes the quarterback. "It's just a fucking dance."
"I know." I lie, practically a master at it by now. The smile I offer is fake, but I don't think he can tell, and I turn to see what had ripped him away from me so suddenly. There are a couple girls from our class gathered together a little ways off, whispering to themselves as they peek over at us. There's no way to know what they're saying, but obviously Brent regrets the one step he'd taken too close. What a change it is from when he professed his love and urged me to step out of the dark with him. This is what it's always been though, it's what our whole relationship is built on, I can't be upset about it now. Besides, today is a good day, so I keep it that way by telling him another lie. "I'm fine."