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"The good times of today, are the sad thoughts of tomorrow." — Bob Marley
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Chapter 36
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Anxiety was a bitch. It was the weakest point of my life. Ever since I was a little girl, it had been one of the hardest things to deal with, despite everything else.
Lately, my attacks hadn't been so bad. Maybe that was because I had grown comfortable in this town, with both my family and the new people I came to love and consider close to my heart.
Now, though. No one was here to help me out of this uncontrollable trigger of pain. The one clasped my throat in a tight hold, relentlessly treading through different patterns of torment.
Some attacks were triggered, others were not. Sometimes, anxiety was like a great body of water. It fell over you like a wave that you weren't expecting, despite thinking, swearing that you were prepared for it. All you can do is try to fight the waves, even if you're still under water, even if you've already drowned. It's like that, except you just know that you're going to drown.
You can't breathe. You're in a room, on your own, the oxygen level unlimited, but you're still unable to breathe.
It feels like something very heavy is bouncing up and down on your chest. Except, anxiety doesn't give you a minute to breathe, or catch your breath. No, it just happens.
It just happened.
I squeezed my throat tightly, blinded by the overwhelming pain in my chest. The hospital's bathroom sink continued to run, the dripping sound of water timed. It was like a ticking bomb as I only grew more distressed.
I didn't know how it happened so effortlessly. I had been in the bathroom because I needed to get away for a minute. But, I didn't expect it to lead to a panic attack.
My mind was in another place. I could feel the things physically, but I couldn't comprehend anything emotionally.
I was alone. I was sure Kade was gone, Ryland was handling something with the doctor, and my only company was myself. I was alone. No one was here.
A sharp pinch grabbed at my heart. I squeezed my eyes shut as I leaned over in the midst of excruciating agony. Rows after rows of hot tears continued to roll down my cheeks as I attempted to calm myself.
"J-just..." I couldn't. I breathed in a rough patch of air, before attempting again. "Calm down, Kimberly."
I didn't know how long I sat there. I distracted myself from the panic attack, despite the obvious impact it had on my body. I shook underneath my own skin, wishing that I could escape. I wanted to shed away my own soul, if that were even possible.
With shaky legs, I stood up from the toilet. As I walked to the door, I knew I resembled a baby taking their first steps. It was almost embarrassing until I realized that I was the only one in the room.
My hands still felt hot even as the cool water rolled off of them. I threw the water on my face, dabbing underneath my eyes.
Once I raised my head, I barely recognized myself. I was a stranger to my own eyes.
My eyes were puffy around the edges. By the red streaks in my eyes showing signs of crying, you could see signals of distress. My clothes were worn yesterday, and from what it looked like, I'd be wearing them today, as well.
School. I hadn't given school one thought. Today was only Friday, and from what I saw out of the window, it looked to be nearing the afternoon. My dad had been unconscious for nearly a full day now.
I walked out of the bathroom, immediately search for my brother. With my head down, I walked to the waiting room. When I didn't find him, I sighed and sat again. Even though the attack was over, I could still feel my heart recoiling from the pressure.
I waited a couple of paces before carrying on. I needed to find my brother.
Instead of the way I originally planned, I turned the other way. Me and Ryland had been here this entire time, but neither of us were allowed in my dad's room. It was frustrating, and only added onto the pent up anxiety inside of me.
I paused in step as I landed eyes on Kade. I jumped back behind the corner, hidden by the wall. I thought that he had went home, but no...he was right here. He hasn't seen me yet, to my luck. From where I stood, he looked to be in deep conversation with our doctor.
The doctor nodded a couple of times as their conversation carried on. A nurse with a large device on wheels began to stroll by, and I immediately took the chance. As I hid behind the large machine, I quickly moved my feet across the tiles until I managed to get behind another wall. I only needed one more distraction to get to the elevator unnoticed.
After a couple seconds, I decided to make my next move. Slowly, I peeked from behind the wall and felt my entire system break down. Kade was staring directly at me, his eyes curious as they scanned me over.
I didn't expect for him to react any differently. But, when I saw him say something to the doctor, I knew that he was leaving. Instead of walking the other way like I expected, he was heading straight toward me.
In reaction, I quickly turned the other way. I had to tell myself to leave. I couldn't get attached again, not this time. It was too hard.
"Kimberly."
Even through the chatty hallway, I still could hear the call of my name from his mouth. I would have heard it in a room full of a million people. It was more like a demand, one he expected me to turn around to. But, I didn't. I kept my composure and continued to walk faster.
I cut by the people, hurriedly speeding up. I didn't want to appear to be running in the hospital, but I definitely was speed walking.
My eyes peeled at the sight of an elevator. I peered past the wall of the hallway to see Kade growing closer and closer Immediately, I threw myself into the elevator.
I slammed any number. When the elevator door didn't react, I cursed in frustration before slamming my hand down on all of the numbers. Finally, the door began to close, but in a slow pace. It was going far too slow.
I glared down at the buttons. "Close, close, close," I muttered as I felt Kade grow closer.
The door shut just as Kade appeared in front of it. The last thing I saw was his expression, which was built and molded out of a combination of anger, frustration, and desperation.
Fuck. I leaned my head against one of the elevator walls, my fingers tightening around the handles. I felt weak just at the sight of him. How would I do seeing him at school every day? I would have to endure it for seven more months.
I just had to hold up. He told me to leave him, I said those things to him, I ruined his life. Why would we want to be near the other only to break each other?
I had to do what was best for me for once. I didn't know if the separation destroyed him as bad as it did me, but I bet that he would move on. He could find another girl by tomorrow, and continue to live his life.
The feeling was not mutual.
I spent minutes on the elevator. Everytime someone joined in, I would take them to their destination, pretend to go to another floor, then come back and repeat. It was a time passer, so I decided to just carry on until I was sure of Kade being gone from my dad's floor, if he even bothered to go. I didn't blame him if he hadn't.
I wanted to laugh at how idiotic I sounded. I was pathetic, actually. I was scared of going on my own dad's hospital floor, because of a boy. Months ago, I would have laughed at the very idea of this. Now, my heart leaped in my chest at the thought of even speaking to him again.
With my bearings, I gripped the elevator handle as I pressed the floor button. I managed to pull myself out, my footsteps heavy with stew.
I kept my eyes on the hospital tiles as I passed the people in the hallway. If the force wasn't physical, I wouldn't have noticed the collision I was sure I caused.
I looked up, though I only came into contact with gray eyes. With a scan of the face, I immediately knew that it was Carter.
He steadied me by placing his hands onto my forearms. I didn't say a thing, instead standing there with the blank expression.
His eyes crinkled with a smile. "Still clumsy Kimberly, huh?" he teased. The dimple in his right cheek appeared but it soon disappeared the longer he watched me. "Hey, you good?"
I nodded my head, only to get away quicker. I wasn't in the mood for whatever he had in store for me right now.
I yanked my arms away from his hold. "I-I have to go," I mumbled before brushing by him.
I didn't pursue his concern, nor did I want it. Instead, I only shielded myself with my familiar blanket of distrust and continued on. My feet shuffled past the mixed crowd of doctors and nurses.
My inner being relaxed once I noticed that Kade was a no-show. Either he took the hint or just gave up altogether. I ignored the drop of my heart, despite the pain it inflicted on my emotional being.
I walked to where I started the first time, the waiting room. I released a sigh of relief at the sight of Ryland, who stood once he saw me.
"The doctor wants to speak to us," he clarified. "I didn't want to talk to him without you there."
I nodded slowly. "Do you think it's bad?"
Ryland looked at me with a expression of helplessness. His lips parted to release a sigh, eyes falling before they came back to me. "Do you want my honest answer?"
I shook my head yes.
"I have no idea," he mumbled before pulling me alongside him to the room.
I'd been asleep for most of my time here, and despite fleeing whenever I was awake, now gave me time to absorb the uncomfortableness the hospital had on me. I absolutely despised them, and everything about them.
As a child, a travel to the hospital only meant questions. Questions meant a raged mother. And, a raged mother only meant beatings. It was all a cycle.
The smell of the hospital continued to taunt me. It smelt of an air-borne sickness that caused you to wrinkle your nose in distaste. The unexplainable smell resembled a cleaned, yet smothered plastic scent that grew normal on you after a bit. The smell was a close reminder of reality of where you could be at any moment.
I averted my gaze to my brothers' back. "Ryland?" I called to him as he walked ahead of me.
I saw him nod at a nurse. "Mhm?"
"What were you and the doctor talking about yesterday?" I asked in a curious manner.
"Nothing," he answered simply.
I frowned. "It seemed important."
"We're here," he switched up as we stopped in front of the door.
I didn't know how to react. This could forever be the room of my dad's death. Or, it could be something less painful. Like a common migraine, or something simple.
Fuck, I hope so.
Ryland noticed my reluctant state. I stared at the door as he gripped my shoulder then squeezed.
"We're going to be alright," he said to me. "He's going to be just fine."
I feigned the smile he had seen so much. If he looked closer, he would notice the cracks in the surface that only hid my insecurities.
With a push of the door, we were soon slapped with reality. The air drifted from my lungs as Ryland allowed me to walk inside of the room first.
I didn't think that my heart was able to respond to anymore pain. But, at the sight of my dad, the man who raised me, the knight in shining armor, my heart completely fell right out of my body.
The monitors around him only added onto my worry. His arms were by his side, his skin prickled and probed with different patches and IV's. A blanket was over the lower half of his gown covered body. The slow rise and drop of his chest worried me, and the beeping of the machines only continued to increase the heavy weight my shoulders carried.
I could feel the tears coming again. My body was rigid at the very sight of him, despite my hand plastered against the pale, white wall.
The doctor placed his glasses down with a smile. He looked at me and Ryland, who stood to the side of me with the same expression of concern.
He opened a yellow file, peering down at it. "Alright, well let's begin with what caused this. The tests directed us toward signs of a stroke, and we tested this again to see that we were correct. The stroke was not as severe as it could have been, so let's hold onto that bit of good information," he informed us. "But, his condition is far serious than just a random stroke."
"I'm sorry to inform you of this so suddenly, but your father has type one diabetes. I know that this is very sudden and it might be scary for you, but there are many solutions to this that will get your father back into good shape. Now, don't expect this to magically make him okay and make the disease disappear, because it won't. But, it will help him..." the doctor carried off into the explanation of what diabetes was, how it would affect him, and the ways to help it.
I didn't pay attention, despite my eye contact. I heard what mattered in my ears. He was alright. He was alive. He wasn't dead.
My dad was alive. He didn't die; he wasn't going to die. He was okay.
I felt the distress lift from my heart. Physically, my shoulders felt taken aback by the sudden pain lifted away. It felt amazing.
They continued to speak while I drifted into my own world. Without a thought, I walked toward my dad. Even if he wasn't awake, I still hugged him like he would respond with a tighter grip.
The hot tears spilled down my cheeks as I continued to hug him to me. I couldn't comprehend on the fact that he was alive. He was alright. He was here.
***
"You want breakfast?" Ryland asked as we passed by the quiet buildings.
I said nothing. I could feel his eyes through the review mirror, though I did nothing in reaction. I was more than frustrated with him.
I didn't know how long we argued over the weekend. All I knew, was that it was long and useless on my part.
Ryland decided for me that I was meant to go to school starting Monday, which was today now. The doctor had told us he should wake up soon, so Ryland said that he would watch over him, and that I had missed too many days already. I argued back with all I had, though it meant nothing in the end.
I glared out the window as he drove me to school. I saw the flag of the school, and glared down at my clenched fists. I didn't care how many days I missed; my dad's health mattered far more than damn chemistry class.
I pulled my bag up my shoulder as I hopped out of the car. My shielded feet hit the ground in angry paced steps before I heard him, "Have a good—" I slammed the door with a hard force as I glared at him.
Ryland jumped back, a humored glint in his green eyes. His tongue ran over his bottom lip as he held back a laugh. This only edged my nerves even more.
"I'll be outside when the last bell rings," he said.
I didn't respond. With a bag on my shoulder, and a ground leveled dignity, I walked up the pathway to my school. Students were already piling into the school. I guessed that the bell already rang, only encouraging the start of a terrible day.
I couldn't lie. I couldn't pretend that I never allowed my eyes drift to the side in search of Kade. As badly as I tried to distract myself, nothing worked.
"Don't think of him," I continued to mutter to myself as I walked into my first period.
Even if he were here, I wouldn't see him until Mr. Crawfield's class, which was my third period. Then, lunch would come. After that, the torture would be over. I wouldn't have to see him for the rest of the day.
"Hey, are you alright?" Maggie asked once I sat down.
Her sharp eyes were outlined with black eyeliner. She wore black army boots, along with a pair of black pants and a strapped burgundy tank top covered with a black jacket.
I nodded my head. "Yeah."
"I saw your call, but I didn't have my phone on me at the time. I kept calling you back, why didn't you answer?" she frowned. "I stopped by your place too, no one was home."
I looked at her. Her catlike eyes stared me down. I could tell she was genuinely worried, though I slightly didn't know who to trust anymore.
I sighed. "I'm sorry, I didn't even notice the call. It was a family emergency."
"Oh, is everything okay?" she asked me.
I stared down at her black printed fingernails. "Yes, sort of, I don't really know." My words were tangled with my own emotions.
"Tell me all about it. It's not like she's going to teach anytime soon," she nodded at the teacher, who sat with a slouch and a book in her hand. So, I did.
***
"Guess who just earned a spot on the soccer team!" Jax announced as I placed my tray down alongside Raven.
Maggies' green eyes rolled, though by the smile on her maroon shaded lips, I knew that she was proud of her brother. "Good job, dipshit."
"Yeah," he snatched one of her tater tots. "Just think, I can finally kick you in the face with a ball and have an excuse for it," he tilted his head, smiling.
"Do it, and I swear that ball will be so far up—"
"Okay, Dolan Twins," Raven chuckled, glancing to me. "Are you alright, Kimberly?"
She was in front of me, so we both were unable to hide our true expressions. I nodded with a faint smile.
"Yeah, we tried to call you back. You wouldn't answer the phone," Jax said.
"I went by your house, but no one was there," Raven informed me, reaching over to grasp my hand.
"I'm alright guys, I'm just...." I couldn't find the strength to tell the story all over again.
Even if dad was alright now, I still didn't want to think about what could have happened.
Maggie looked at me, head tilted so I knew she understood. "Do you want me to tell them?"
I nodded, and she began to tell them about what happened in the midst of so many blended days. I wasn't worried. I trusted them, and I didn't feel like they would go and share this type of information with anyone. After they asked if he were okay and how we all were doing, I thanked them for their generosity.
"We are shitty ass people," Jax mumbled as soon as Maggie finished the story.
Raven agreed, as did Maggie. I disagreed immediately at what they were saying, at least they called back and came by my home. I hadn't checked my phone in days, nor would I have been able to feel the small vibration amongst it all.
I sighed. "Guys, you're not bad friends. I know you all would have been there if you knew, and at least you tried to get in contact with me," I smiled at them. "I appreciate it and all of you."
I could tell they still felt bad, but there was truly no reason to. I didn't hold any malice. I attempted to uplift the spirit as the lunch period carried on.
"Jax, you made the soccer team," I congratulated him with a small grin.
Maggie snorted, drowning her corn dog in mustard. "He fucked someone on the team, and I'll prove it," I heard her mumble under her breath.
I giggled as Jax feigned a look of hurt. "Either way, we'll still love you, Jax."
We all continued to converse, and despite everything, I didn't know how badly I had needed this normal until now. It was calming, despite the obliviously taunt clench of my heart every time I glanced around the room. I tried to ignore the tug at my heart when I caught sight with his friends, but not him. It was all a fight to continue on like normal, and I wasn't even sure if I could win it.