Seth
By the time we reach at the library, I'm flushed, breathing hard, and my muscles are aching. It doesn't help that I took a ridiculously round-about way to get here, trying to lose anyone following us while simultaneously avoiding places where an abundance of people could spot us.
Joshua fell silent some time ago. Sullen, defeated, furious silence that feels like a brewing storm over my shoulder. Every moment approaching the library, I felt ready for it to crack over my head, and for him to kick his away out of my grasp. But he never does, and I don't know if it's reassuring or even more nerve-wracking.
His silence left more room for me to think, and thus more room for my thoughts to consume me. We lost his father around the same time Joshua stopped yelling at me, and that's when the guilt started to eat me alive. It's a heavy, acidic weight in my chest heavier than Joshua himself, and no matter how fast I run or how far I go, I can't shake it.
I'm stealing him away, becoming the monster everyone sees inside me, a monster even while like this, while appearing human. Joshua's father will never accept me now, and I've just made Joshua's choice all the more stark. I've destroyed any middle ground there might have been by kidnapping him, and the knowledge makes my stomach churn.
I want nothing more than to stop and make sure Joshua isn't mad at me. Now that we seem to be in the clear, I need to know. The world could be against me, but as long as Joshua stands by me, I'll be okay. I'll be okay.
But what if he's not with me anymore? The question keeps nagging me, refusing to leave, only finding more ammunition in Joshua's silence. What if this was the tipping point to change his mind? What if he no longer wants to be with me, no longer wants to help me find my kind?
By the time we reach the library, I'm short of breath, and it's only partly because of all the running. My throat is closing up in my worries, and it's hard to breathe. I'm simultaneously relieved and terrified when I finally slow, because I can finally set Joshua down. Which also means I can finally find out just how furious he is with me.
His hands are pressing into the small of my back, looped over the brim of my pants, and it'd probably make me incredibly flustered if not for the incredible anxiety distracting me. He's straining to look around me to the library, and as we pass the pillars that make up the front of the building, he finally speaks up.
"Put me down." He says, his voice like gravel down my spine.
I immediately do so.
Behind one of the pillars, I crouch to let him off my shoulder. As he slides off, he stumbles a step, and I move to help him, but he swipes my hands away, even while pointedly not meeting my gaze. His face is almost as flushed as mine, and I realise only now how uncomfortable that had to have been for him, hanging upside down for so long.
I bite my lip hard enough it hurts, and I wish for the hundredth time today I'd thought of some other way to diffuse the situation, or that I hadn't suggested we go out at all. Joshua was right after all... This was a terrible idea.
Closing his eyes, Joshua presses a hand against the pillar, leaning into it as though his head is rushing, which it probably is.
I fidget restlessly, glancing repeatedly around him, positive someone's following us, or watching us. I don't see anyone though.
Gazing at Joshua again, my anxiety overwhelms me. I know it'd probably be best to leave him be, to let him simmer down on his own, but I can't stop myself. The question is out before I can think about whether I'm ready for an answer.
"Are... are you mad at me?"
Joshua opens his eyes and flicks me a steely look. He stares at me for what feels like an eternity, though it's really probably only a second. In that second, I can see thoughts flickering through his eyes, though I can't decipher any of them. When he answers, I realise I've begun to hold my breath.
"Let's just get the map and get out of here, Seth. Someone definitely called the cops back there."
I cringe. He called me Seth.
He is mad at me.
With that, Joshua straightens and pushes off the pillar, brushing past me to the door. He swings it open and leaves me to trail behind him, which I do, even as cracks spider-web through my chest and my heart.
"Are we going to talk about it?" I ask quietly behind him.
"Would rather not right now." He tensely replies, looking ahead. Everything about him is tense, from his voice to his shoulders to his quick, prowling steps. He's like a string drawn taut, close to snapping.
I bite my tongue to stop all the things I want to say from pouring out, all the apologies I want to bombard him with, and the forgiveness I want to beg from him.
Inside, the library is as dimly lit as it always is. It smells musty, but in a familiar, almost comforting way. At least, I wish it was as comforting as it usually is. Now it just feels suffocating and dense, like something unearthed from the depths.
I walk a few steps behind Joshua, but I quickly pick up my pace, beginning to point out where the computers are in an attempt to be helpful. But I promptly receive a glare. He already knows. Of course he already knows, am I an idiot? He's clearly been to the library before. He doesn't need my help.
He pulls ahead so I can't walk by his side, and the cracks spread a little farther.
Everything was going so well... We were overconfident and stupid. Now we've ruined everything. I've ruined everything. Why couldn't I have stopped to consider we might run into someone we know? Why did it have to be his dad, of all people?
I feel like my dearly bought happiness is crumbling before my eyes. How do I win Joshua's favor back after the stunt I just pulled? Heck, I would be mad at me too if I were him!
I... I had to take him though! We had to get out of there, and there was no way Joshua would have been able to leave on his own—he was paralysed by the situation and by the choice. Was it bad I decided for him? We didn't have any time to spare.
I fidget with my sleeves, eyeing the back of Joshua's head. Goddamn it... As much as I hate that he's mad at me... He's right. We need to just get what we came for and leave as soon as possible. We can sort this cesspile of confliction later, when we're safe and out from under the continuous threat of being recognised and detained.
I'm trying to catch up to Joshua when a loud, warbling call stops the both of us.
"Seth, darling! Is that you? Oh, it's been so long! Come here, come here, sweetheart, let me see you!"
I'm caught mid-step by the familiar voice. Joshua freezes up just in front of me, ready to run in an instant. Almost simultaneously we both look to the front desk, where an old lady is smiling at us like we're long-lost friends. Which we almost are.
"Marge!" I exclaim, consoled by the mere sight of her. "It really has been a long time! It's so nice to see you again!"
Reaching over, I grapple for Joshua's hand, taking it and pulling him with me as I make a beeline for my elderly friend. He makes a sound of protest, scowling at me and yanking at my hand. As he realises Marge is watching him, however, he hesitates, before he stops pulling away. Grudgingly, he allows me to lead him over.
As soon as Marge isn't looking at him, though, he shoots me venomous look and squeezes my hand tight enough to be uncomfortable. My smile twitches as I pretend not to notice.
"Where have you been, darling? Oh, how I've missed our nice chats!" Marge claps her hands together as she beams at me. Her happiness seems to have increased exponentially the closer we came, and now that we're standing before the front desk, her eyes are practically hidden behind jolly wrinkles.
I laugh awkwardly at the question, scratching at my cheek with my free hand. "Well, I've been sort of... busy lately."
I glance to Joshua as I say this, but he's staring at his shoes.
Noticing my glance, Marge turns her eyes to Joshua, and if it's even possible, her wrinkly smile widens.
"Oh my." She coos, all but ogling him. She acknowledges my hand in his with a delighted little wave. "Is this who you've been 'busy' with, Seth?"
"Marge!" I choke at the implication. Joshua looks up as well, startled, and the elderly lady merely wheezes a laugh, waving a hand around.
"Don't mind me, dear, there's nothing you two could do that this old lady doesn't already know about. Just make sure you're using proper protection!"
"Marge." I whine, needing her to shut up. Why is that the first thing she thinks of? We haven't even done anything! Nothing that needs protection!
As she squints at Joshua some more, recognition sparks in her eyes, and the deaf librarian exclaims, "Oh, oh my lord! He's the boy you've been telling me about, isn't he! You weren't pulling my leg when you told me how handsome he is! Oh, I'm glad you two have finally made up, dear!"
Joshua stares at Marge, his brown skin tinting with a flush. He glances to me, and mortification has my own face feeling hot. I shoot Marge a wide-eyed look to say, "What are you doing?" But she just smiles blithely at me, and I find I want to die.
"I-I mean, yes, he... is. I'm glad too." I manage to stammer by way of answer, feeling Joshua's eyes still on me but unable to meet his look
"So, tell me the whole story, dear. How did he win you back? I heard you were very mad at him..." Marge addresses Joshua now, leaning in as she awaits all the juicy details, like we're the most interesting drama she's heard all week.
"It's a long story." I rush to say, at the same time Joshua says, "It's really not that interesting."
We both stop and look at each other, and Marge giggles at our incoordination.
Joshua clears his throat and averts his gaze, and I drop my gaze to the carpet.
"It's... Well, it's a story for another time, I guess. We just came to use the computer." I explain finally, internally praying to any higher power up there than maybe, maybe we'll be able to leave for the computers before Marge reveals anything else embarrassing.
"Oh, of course, of course!" Marge exclaims. "I can get you a pass for that right now, just give me a moment..." She begins to shuffle through the papers at her desk, even though she needs to use the computer to print us the slips with the temporary passwords for the library guest computers.
I watch her curiously. Has she forgotten? She is very old, after all... Marge is a nice lady, though she has a penchant for floral dresses that date her more than her wrinkles, and hearing aids that are so large and clunky, her ears could be made of plastic. It's not uncommon for old people to lose their memory, right?
She keeps glancing up to me though, as though waiting for something. Joshua is eyeing me too, and I fluster as I realise they're waiting for something. What? What am I supposed to do in this situation?
Oh. I haven't introduced them yet. That's something you're supposed to do, right? Is that what they're waiting for?
"Marge," I flounder to say. "this is Joshua Gonzalo. Joshua, this is, eum, Marge."
"Oh, yes! It's a pleasure to meet you, young man!" Marge delights, immediately dropping her papers to thrust out her bony, leathery hand.
Joshua blinks at the offered hand for a moment, then extracts his hand from mine to give hers a firm shake.
"It's nice to meet you too." He replies. As firm as his handshake is, his smile is shaky, and he soon shoves both his hands into his pockets.
"Yes, yes! You know, dear, your partner here is a real catch. He talks so highly of you! Don't you lose him now, Mr. Gonzalo, or I might just snatch him up myself, hehe!"
Marge claps her hands together as she cackles, amusing herself, much to my chagrin. My shoulders tense up as heat invades my cheeks, and I can't meet the look Joshua gives me. I can feel his eyes on me, and it only makes the bubble of mortification in my chest grow. I manage to spare him a glance, only to find he's cracking a bit of a smile.
I stare, and his eyes meet mine. The smile doesn't dim like I expect it to, rather, it quirks with amusement. He looks at me in this way that says he's definitely not going to forget this, no matter what I say or do otherwise, and he's definitely never going to let me forget this. The smile has relief flooding through me, but the nonverbal promise has me dying of embarrassment.
When Joshua turns to Marge again, his demeanor transforms dramatically. He gives her a wide, polite smile and immediately, Marge is charmed before he even opens his mouth.
"I don't know what to say, really." He admits, running a hand through the back of his hair in a flattered, bashful way that I don't think is completely for show. I watch him searchingly, trying to figure out if he's trying to charm her or if it's just happening. Maybe that's my fault though, I did sort of talk him up...
"But that's very kind of you to say, Ms..." Joshua hesitates on her name, looking to her for confirmation.
"Oh, don't you worry, darling, it's fine. Just call me Marge! Everyone does around here, including your sweetheart here." She waves a hand at me pleasantly, and both Joshua and I make awkward sounds at the pet name.
Joshua clears his throat. "Um, yes, okay. Well, thank you, Ms. Marge. I... don't intend to lose him anytime soon. He is a good catch."
He doesn't look at me as he says this, yet it still manages to make my heart flutter. Marge's smile softens, and she leans forward to press her hand into the counter in front of Joshua. Had the counter not been between them, or had there been a smaller distance between them, she would have pressed her kind hands into his shoulders.
"You're a good kid, Joshua Gonzalo." She tells him softly. "Treat him well."
Joshua sucks in a breath and holds it. He holds Marge's steady gaze for a lengthy moment, till even I'm fluttering with nerves. Then he nods.
Marge smiles.
"I like him." She says to me now, and I choke on my breath.
"Okay." I manage, though it sounds more like a squeak than I want it to. "Me too."
"I can tell!" Marge chirps. Leaning back in her chair, she swivels over to the computer screen, where she begins typing. "Now, here, sweetheart, don't let me hold you two up. Let me get that computer for you."
"Thank you." I croak, feeling as though I've just been wrung through an emotional towel wringer. If I'd known I'd have to one day introduce Joshua to Marge, maybe I wouldn't have told her so many things about him and my feelings!
Joshua waits patiently as she opens a computer for us.
"Two?" She asks, pausing to look up in her typing.
"Yes, please." Joshua nods.
She smiles at him and turns back to the computer, and when the little receipt printer begins to hum, it produces two slips for computers 10 and 11. Joshua takes the slips and politely thanks the librarian, who is more than happy to help out. She tells us to come back for a chat soon, and wishes us luck with our endeavors, before sending us on our way.
I wave goodbye, reluctant to leave Marge so soon, and when I turn to follow Joshua, I realise he's already three paces ahead. I jog to catch up with him before he starts through one of the many isles of bookshelves. I can't help but smile at him when I'm by his side again.
"You think I'm a 'good catch', huh?" I begin cheekily, and Joshua groans.
"Yes." He says, frowning at the carpet. "But don't get any ideas!" He quickly adds before I can widen my smile.
Pointedly, he narrows his eyes at me. "Don't get me wrong, Sundo, I'm still mad at you. But..." He slows his pace and heaves a sigh. The frustration seems to bleed out of him for now, leaving behind merely weariness. "I don't blame you. For the whole... You know." He waves his hand tiredly in front of him, and I do indeed know. The fiasco just now. I still feel guilty just thinking about it, even though I know it was the best thing I could have done at the time.
Joshua admits, "I don't think I would have done anything otherwise. I still don't know if I'm ready to do something about it. I just... I don't know what I'm going to do."
I understand that. It can't be easy, choosing between two different kinds of love. I can hardly imagine what it must feel like... I don't have a father. I don't really even have a father figure. Just Rebecca maybe, and if I had to choose between her and Joshua a second time... I don't know. It'd be tough. I'd probably choose Joshua—I'll always choose Joshua, if I'm being honest—but that doesn't make the decision any less heart-wrenching.
As much as I want Joshua to choose me... It'd be wrong of me to take the choice away from him.
"He's my dad, Sundo." Joshua says dolefully, running a slow hand over the spines of books. "I don't want to just... leave him. I don't want to leave him with Shari. If I stay with you, is that what will happen?"
I search for the right words, insightful ones or useful ones, but I don't know any of either of those things. Joshua meets my gaze, searching for advice, and when he sees I don't have it, his face falls.
He pulls ahead again and we walk a few more steps in silence, passing through the bookshelves without really noticing them. When we come out on the other end, Joshua stops. He's twisting the computer receipts in his hands, and he sighs a third time.
"Well, okay. I can't do anything about it now." He looks to me hesitantly. "Let's just... just get this done. Come on. Here are the computers."
As he makes for the row of computers at the back wall, I find myself hanging back by the shelves. Confliction churns in my chest, and I grip on side of the bookshelf.
Should I let Joshua go? Is it wrong of me to take him from the life he's known, to force him into this life on the run?
The ache in my chest makes it hard to breathe, and I feel lost. As I release my grip on the shelf, I notice the spine of the book beside me, and my heart sinks even further. To Love and Lose: Settling One's Love Free.
"Hey, Sundo, are you coming?"
I tear my gaze from the book to where Joshua is sitting at one of the computers, waiting for me. He didn't speak very loud—this is still a library after all—but his voice still captures my attention like a shock of static electricity.
Yes. My heart says immediately. Then, no. I shouldn't.
I hesitate. Joshua's still watching me curiously.
"Yeah." I answer in the end, moving despite the ache in my chest. "I'm coming."
.
.
.
Marge: I want to see my little boy 🎶
Seth, of himself: Here he comes 🎶
Sorry it took so long to get this chapter out to y'all today, the day ended up being way busier than I anticipated! (If there are any spelling or grammar mistakes, I'll fix them in the morning—it's currently hella late here!)
(The song is Sunflower by Post Malone & Swae Lee.)
I think this schedule is looking like it'll work out, so you can look forward to chapter 52 next Friday! ❤