"The only thing different, the only thing new
I've got these little things, she's got you
I've got your memory, or has it got me
I really don't know, but I know it won't let me be"
Song: She's Got You - Patsy Cline
****
December 1st - Two Months Later
Harry's P.O.V.
"So are you going to tell me why you dragged me to this pizza place like we were on a secret mission?" Finn asks.
I look up to him from my bowl of salad, rolling my lips inside my mouth "I'm planning something for Joey for Christmas, but I need some help and I'm running out of time"
Finn takes a bite from his pizza, wiggling his brows "Oh I love surprises, I'm so in"
I push my food around with my fork, anxious about the idea I've come up with "I'm worried she won't like it" I confess.
Finn pauses his chewing, raising his brows at me "You could literally give her a bag of shit with a bow on it and she'd think it was the best thing in the world"
I smile shyly "You really think so?"
Finn shakes his head at me in disbelief "You're so pretty yet so painfully stupid"
"Oh piss off" I scowl, stabbing my fork into my salad and shoving it in my mouth.
"So what do you need my help with?" he asks with a grin.
"I need a computer" I explain "I have everything else I need, just not that, and I can't ask to use Joeys in case she finds out"
Finn nods, looking at me suspiciously "You can use the one in my home office, what are you doing for her exactly?"
I avert my eyes from his, letting out a sigh "Just something I hope shows her how special she is to me"
"uh huh" Finn hums, smiling to himself taking another bite of his pizza.
I feel physically sick over doing this, I've never done something like this for someone before, I'm terrified she's going to think it's stupid.
I can't help that I'm a hopeless romantic as heart, but I feel both relieved and gutted she will only see it as a friendly gesture from the dumb british kid she's let move into her life.
I pick up my glass of water, trying to get rid of the dry taste in my mouth from the anxiety lodged in my throat.
Finn wipes his mouth with a napkin, resting his elbows on the table, placing his hands flat together and pressing them to his lips.
"So" he says with a sly look "When were you going to tell Joey you're in love with her?"
I choke on my drink, spraying it onto the table as all the colour drains from my face.
"What did you just say?" I cough, gaping at Finn as he bursts out a laugh at me choking.
"Did I stutter?" he asks raising his brows, lowering his eyes at me with a knowing look.
"I'm - I don't, look Joey is just my friend" I fumble out in panic.
I know how I feel about Joey, but it's something I've worked very hard to keep pushed far far away. She can never be more than a friend to me, and I've accepted that.
I'm absolutely fucked if anyone finds out.
Joey is with Dylan, I've had to watch it in front of me for months now, seeing her with Dylan and how she gets to kiss and touch her is like getting dragged through broken glass every day.
But if that means I get to have Joey in my life, as opposed to not at all, than I'll happily take it.
Finn scoffs, giving me a look that says he thinks I'm full of shit "Oh give me a break, even a blind man could see how whipped you are by her"
This can't be happening, I thought I was managing to hide it. It's hard enough keeping up this act every day without someone else knowing having it blow up in my face.
I rest my elbows on the table, threading my fingers into the front of my hair as I frown at him "Is it that obvious?"
Finn raises his brows, pulling his face back like that's the most ridiculous question he's ever heard "It's about as obvious as putting it on a giant flashing billboard that says "I'm in love with you" in front of her, with a big red arrow pointing to your head"
Great job Harry, subtle as a sledge hammer as always you bloody dipshit.
I always manage to screw everything up.
I pull at the roots of my hair as I squeeze my eyes closed "Fuck" I hiss.
I know most people don't believe in love at first sight, but looking back I realised I've been head over heels for this woman since I laid eyes on her, and it's only gotten worse the more I got to know her.
I would always wish for that one person that I would find that ripped the rug right out from under me, the person that struck every fibre in my body, that I loved so deeply I could feel it in my veins.
I was always told I was selfish and worthless, that I could never love anyone except myself.
That I was a piece of shit just like my father.
For the longest time I believed that, and most of me still does, but there's one thing I know for sure now and that's that I can love someone else.
Because of her, I love her so fiercely it hurts.
I remember it clear as day the moment it hit me how hard I'd fallen for her, that she was everything I'd ever wanted, it was the first time I sang for her.
The way she looked at me afterwards, like I was the most incredible person in the world to her, the way she spoke to me, telling me all the things I wish I believed about myself, I thought my heart was going to burst.
Because I know she really meant everything she said, she really believes those things about me.
I almost fucked up then, I almost told her.
It's sadistic irony that, that would be my luck, the universe putting the love of my life right in front of me and I know I'll never be able to have her, like I said, I'm not someone good things happen to.
I feel like I'm going to vomit my stomach straight out of my mouth.
I snap my eyes to Finn in terror "Finn she can't find out, she'll never talk to me again"
His brows drop as he tilts his head, looking confused by the fact I look like I'm about to have a panic attack.
I become more frantic, pressing my hands flat against the table as I lean forward "I'm serious, you can't say anything to her, please, I can't lose her, she's the best thing that's ever happened to me" I beg
"You have no idea do you?" he asks, peering his eyes at me.
I scrunch my face up in confusion "About what? What are you talking about?"
Finn rolls his eyes, sighing "Again, so pretty yet so fucking stupid"
He leans forward grasping my face in his hands "Harry, my sweet dumb boy, Joey is in love with you, she's just to scared to admit it to herself"
He has to be high, was there crack on that pizza?
I pull my face back, gaping at him like he's lost his mind "No fucking way, that's impossible, she would never see me like that"
Finn presses his lips into a flat line, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance "I'm surrounded by fucking morons" he mutters.
He looks to me, clapping his hands together as he points them at me "Look I love Joey, she is like family to me and she is the kindest person I know but she's sticks her head in the sand when it comes to her emotions like an idiot and she's a stubborn pain in the ass"
"Finn she doesn't-"
"Ears open, mouth shut Harry" he cuts me off "I've known her for fifteen years, not once have I ever seen her look at someone the way she looks at you"
My heart feels like its going to shatter inside my chest, I can't handle the hope that she might ever feel the same way about me when I know it could never be true.
The rejection would crush me.
I close my eyes, shaking my head, trying to ease the agony inside of me "Finn don't say things like that"
Finn huffs, thumping the side of my head "Stop being a stubborn little bitch and listen to me"
I look to him unable to hide the disappointment on my face as I lean back in my chair "She's with Dylan, alright? And even if she wasn't she could never want someone like me"
Finn throws his head back to look at the ceiling, groaning "Lord give me strength"
He flops his head back down to look at me, clasping his hands in front of himself "Dylan, is a fuckwit, she's done nothing but treat Joey like shit since they first met. Joey just puts up with it because she thinks that's all she deserves"
I think I break my own heart a hundred times a day having to watch the woman I'd give my soul to with someone else.
"But she doesn't deserve that, she deserves someone that would show her how incredible she is every single day, that appreciates how amazing she is" I run my fingers through my hair in frustration, grimacing at the thought of her being with someone like Dylan.
"Precisely" Finn agrees, pointing his finger towards me "Someone like you"
I wince at his words, feeling like I'm being stabbed straight in the heart "No, not someone like me. Someone better"
I'm not good enough for her, I wish I was. I need to be better for her, and I try everyday, even if it's just to be the best friend I can be.
I'll take whatever I can get as long as it means I have Joey in my life.
Finn smacks his hand against the table "Will you cut the unrequited love, bleeding heart bullshit out, you make her happy, she adores you, you twit"
I feel the pain tighten in my chest, and I can't help snapping at him "Well she's fucking gay in case you forgot that, so what does it matter how happy I make her?"
Finn let's out a long sigh, a look of pity coming across his face "Look, yes, Joey has identified as gay for a long time but love doesn't care about gender, it's not just black and white. Sexuality can evolve and change for some people, and the heart wants what the heart wants. It wouldn't matter if you were a woman or a man, she loves the person you are."
"Yeah well she seems pretty fucking positive that, that's who she is" I argue back.
Finn looks down at the table, a remorseful look coming over his face as he drums his fingers against it "Joeys been through a lot Harry, she's had to go through some horrific things just for being gay, it would be hard for anyone to just accept that might not be who they are after they went through all that, she just needs some time"
"So what, you're trying to say you don't think she's gay?" I question, trying to grasp what he's saying.
Finn laughs shaking his head "No, I know Joey loves women" he pauses, a small sad smile pulling on his lips "But I know she loves you too, not everything needs a label. Labels really help some people, and hinders others. Everyone is different."
The air feels like its being squeezed out of my lungs, I couldn't imagine Joey ever wanting me, I thought it was something I'd always only have in my dreams.
I'd do anything just to know what it feels like to hold or touch her the way I want to, to know what its like to be the one she wakes up next to, or just once feel what it's like to kiss her.
I know that if I ever got a taste of her, I'd be done for, I'd never be able to go back.
There's been more nights than I can count that I've fantasised about it alone in my room, which usually leads to fantasising about other things, and I spend the rest of the night getting myself off like a twelve year old boy that's just felt his dick for the first time.
God what I wouldn't give just to know what she feels like.
I need to change the subject or I'm going to get an erection thinking about it again and now isn't the time for this Harry.
I look down at my hands, twisting my rings around my fingers "What did you mean she had horrific things happen?" I ask apprehensively, unsure if I want the answer.
I can't handle the thought of Joey in pain, of anyone hurting her. I'd die a thousand times just to make sure she never had to feel any kind of hurt ever again.
Watching what Dylan does to her ruins me enough.
Finn blows out a heavy breath, rubbing the back of his neck "Just don't tell Joey I told you this alright?"
"If it's not something she'd want me knowing I'd rather you not tell me" I say, feeling like I'd be invading her privacy or breaking her trust by knowing something she wanted kept secret.
Finn leans back against his seat, clasping his hands together on the table "No you need to hear this, I think you'd understand her a bit better if you knew this, and why this whole thing will be so hard for her"
****
Finn knows what's up.