"You thought I didn't want to talk about what we were gonna do after high school, but I did—I do," Ryder began as I still sat in shock. "I want to marry you, Ashlynn. I want that more than anything, and every fiber of my being is telling me that you want that too..."
The first time I thought about marrying Ryder was when I was talking to his mom about Marc. I could picture an entire life together full of passion and spontaneity, instead of complacency and straying like with Merida and Marc. Sure, I had joked around with Ryder about prenuptial agreements in terms of sharing whatever wealth he thought my father left for me, but I saw the look on his face when I said it and assumed he wasn't into it. Even Stella said Ryder wouldn't be the marrying type.
But yet here he was saying he wanted to marry me and that he was going to. And considering he was somehow justifying the pack's consolidation, he had thought about it much longer than I had. I sat, listening to him explain that if we got married, I'd be his Luna indefinitely and Andrew would be left alone—not enough to be considered a pack at all. No matter what happened, he'd be alone unless someone else in our family (which was no one) phased, he Bit someone (which wouldn't happen), or if by some series of events, Aaron remained as a wolf and joined him (which was highly doubtful). Ryder's plan was intended to keep Andrew safe.
He reached out to grab my hand and the touch almost shook me from my trance.
"I'm not trying to force you into anything, but I'm being serious about this, Ash," he said in the same calm voice he always seemed to have when he wanted me to really listen. But it was different than when other people did it because with him, the softness wasn't just some cover-up for some passive bullshit he was trying to cajole me with. "I don't just want to go through life comfortable with just calling you my girlfriend while knowing you're my mate. I love you too much for that and I think you deserve to be my wife at some point. I know we haven't talked about our future and all that, but this is my non-negotiable and if it's not what you want then I guess we'll have to break up here and now. It's not that I'd ever want to, but I—"
I interrupted him in the only plausible way I knew how. I kissed him. I had thrown myself at him and by instinct his hands found my waist as we fell onto the floor in an embrace I had desired for a long time now. All the discomfort I had characterized from before was long gone because it was sensations of yearning and passion for intimacy with Ryder. But somehow I pulled away.
"I love you," I told him as I sat on his hips. "I don't want my brother to be part of your pack, but I do want to marry you eventually."
He reached a hand up to my face to push my hair back and run a thumb along my cheek.
"Maybe we can work out Trevor's suggestion for now, but in the long run, it'll be tough," he muttered.
"'Long run' being after we get married?" I asked with a smile. He smiled and let out a breathy laugh. "I guess we should've talked about this the night Cassandra asked. It was my fault to assume you didn't want to talk about it, so I'm sorry. Considering you made such a big revelation, I'm assuming you finally want to talk about it? Because I'm all in this time."
"Stop assuming," Ryder suggested. I winced into a frown for a second. "The last thing I do right now is talk."
Before I could question him, he was raising up in order to press his lips against mine. I couldn't exactly compare the feelings to just this week because kissing Ryder was always so blissful. It was the lower body activities that were stimulated within the past week or so that I was no longer nervous to explore. The biological aspect had to do with all the hormones coursing through us as teenagers and as werewolves on a full moon night, but in actuality, it was more than that. I had grown more and more comfortable with Ryder. I loved him more and more through whatever hindrances we had. Our bond was there before love. Our deeper feelings were there before the surface level facts. But the spaces were filled and I wanted to share the rest of me with him.
In no time, Ryder had flipped our position. I was waiting for him to pin my hands above my head like he usually did to delay the moment when one or both of us would back out. That moment usually came after his shirt was stripped off. But once he was on top of me, Ryder stripped the shirt off of himself and I was able to feel his solid, bare chest. I waited for the moment when he'd pull away, but I was able to take off my shirt and toss it to the side. As we rolled to the side (and hit the edge of my bed), his hands found the clasp to my bra and that's when his other hand's grip on my waist tightened in order to push me away from him.
I watched as he fluttered his red eyes before shutting them and shaking his head. He opened them and I watched them turn from auburn to hazel. Both of us were out of breath, but he slid himself away from me anyways and sat against the bed.
"I'm not going to do this to you," he said between heaves.
"I want to."
"Your wolf wants to," he corrected with articulation.
"Who cares?"
"I care," he said. "And you should care. I don't want this to happen again and have you resent me because your wolf was ready and you really weren't."
It reminded me of when Zander said part of Ryder was avoiding me just because he didn't want anything to happen to us sexually in case I'd have second thoughts. The thought was endearing and only made me love Ryder more. Partially because he was the picturesque figure of chivalry when he wasn't over worrying, but also because it was funny how soft the big, bad Alpha really was...Or maybe a third reason that it was also intriguing to think that some part of Ryder was scared of sex.
"My wolf was ready back at camp," I reminded. "According to you, that was a new experience for you and I want tonight to be a new experience for me because this is me saying I'm ready."
He looked over at me and his eyes dropped down to my chest the same way he had when we had a Strip Game Night after our first date and he had blatantly told me he wanted to have sex with me that night and respected the fact that I didn't want to. You're beautiful, he thought to me both then and in this moment. Even though he looked at me in the same hypnotized way as before, I reached over for my shirt.
"It's fine if you don't want to," I finally told him. My wolf was barking at me, even though Ryder thanked me. "I wouldn't want to force you or anything."
"Please," he scoffed, preventing the upturning of his lips. "I just don't want to hurt you."
"The only thing being hurt is my feelings," I sighed, fishing for his guilt as I reached out my hands to pull him up from the floor. His hands found my waist after he was on his feet.
"Didn't I tell you a long time ago that feelings are overrated?" he whispered with his forehead against mine.
"Maybe," I shrugged. "Was that before or after you fell in love with me?"
"I do remember telling you that I say a lot of shit I don't mean so it would make sense that I'd say a lot of shit before falling in love with you," he spoke. "I mean whenever that was."
"You're such a cheeseball," I mocked before breaking away from him in a laugh and climbing into my bed. Once I was under the sheets, he sat at my side and I grabbed his hand. Damn it. Did I mention how I much I hated his beauty?
"You say that now, but you'll thank me in the morning when you wake up without some everlasting yearning for my body and realize I did the right thing," he laughed.
"I doubt that," I said in a laugh and then he leaned over to kiss me in conclusion, only, he stopped and hovered inches above my lips.
"Wait, can I kiss you or are you gonna take advantage of me and corrupt my innocence?" he teased.
"You don't have any innocence," I insulted before pulling him down to kiss me. We both smiled and laughed in the kiss and our making out didn't escalate much. But minutes later, he was laying down holding me and I felt as though this was perfectly fine.
***
"The moon's about to be all the way up," Ryder mumbled as he played with our interlocking fingers, hours later as we lazed around in my bed. I looked up at him.
"And how does that make you feel? Do you have a need to phase or jump my bones? It's okay to say yes to that last one and maybe act on it," I teased.
"Ha ha," he said, lowering our hands onto my face for a brief minute to dismiss my joke. "I can control my phasing and...urges—unlike you, apparently. I'm just excited to see what happens to you."
"Nothing's going to happen," I told him. Just as before, I was lacking the impulse to phase at the moon. Maybe it'd come all at once, but I doubted it. But Ryder only scoffed incredulously. He shook his head and moved on to play with strands of my hair instead of my fingers.
"I think it'd be much easier without your stubbornness tonight, but I'll take what I can get," he said.
"You want to talk about stubbornness when you're the one going from wanting to have sex on our first date to wanting to wait on the night I wanted to oblige you all because you decided tonight wasn't right? Ha. Nice one," I tried to taunt, but there was some underlying truth and bitterness.
"Man you're conniving when you're hot and bothered, oh my God," Ryder commented with a laugh. I sent him a sarcastic smile and then rolled my eyes, which caused him to laugh even more. "I just meant that hopefully a lot of non-phasing will happen tonight in regards to the whole Stella situation and tonight will be much...smoother."
"How's that gonna work, exactly?" I asked.
"I have Colin watching care of her. He'll call me in a few hours and I'll leave to figure out the rest," he answered.
"So I guess it's a good thing we didn't slut it up because you'd just leave me in the morning," I joked lastly, causing him to scoff.
"Okay, don't call it that," he frowned because he knew that I knew he preferred love making instead of whatever demeaning slang that could be used. It only made me laugh and then he rolled his eyes and got up from the bed only to grab his backpack. "It's definitely time for you to go to sleep because you're turning into a horn dog, young lady."
"I was kidding."
"I'm not," he grinned and then laid back down on the bed in a position to where I could cuddle into him comfortably while he fished for something in his bag. "Good night." He kissed my forehead and I glared at him. "Good night."
"Fine, good night," I wished and then he kissed my head once more before I hugged his torso and noticed that he rested something on my shoulders for him to look at, but I didn't have the strength to know what it was. My breaths just fell into sync with his and the only wolf-like instinct I had was to go to sleep with my mate beside me.