M E A N I N G F U L
M I S T A K E S
Chapter Thirty One
I can't be caught.
I can't be caught.
I can't be caught.
It continues to play in my head like a broken record. No matter how much I try and mute it- it never goes away.
I'd become so good at hiding things that it was deadly. I wish I were strong enough to have stopped myself before I'd fallen down my dark well. Before I drowned in old memories and habits.
I'd lost my battle.
Lolita Brown is hopeless. She's her mother's daughter who sees no end. She'd been programmed to believe having control on her bodily function is the right way to numb everything.
The moment I feel the first wave of the distraction of binging then purging, I struggle to stop. It was a euphoria I chased. It brings me comfort. It handles my pain.
For a while I've managed to hide on the abandoned staircase, and the two bells to signal the end of lunch have rung.
My phone that is buried in my pocket hasn't stopped silently buzzing. It's beginning to annoy me because I know on the other end are people trying to contact me- then my life will be turned upside down again.
I pull it out of my hoodie pocket and widen my eyes at the amount of missed calls and messages from William, Becky, and even Hunter.
My life wasn't about to be tipped outside down- it's about to be put in a box and shaken until it breaks to pieces.
"Gosh, what have you done?" I mutter to myself and run my hands through my hair. This is a disaster. I'm a disaster. Again.
I have created such a big mess that I can't clean. This is the chaos that I'm use to. All I wanted was for this to be normal, but I can't. This is my normal, yet to other's it's not seen the way it is for me.
My phone rings again in my hand. Hunter's name is across the screen. I swallow anxiously at each letter. I ignore it and shove my phone away in my pocket.
My back is been begging for me to stand and go for a walk to stretch it instead of the spine being uncomfortably dug into the wall. Yet I can't move. I don't want to go anywhere.
If I were brave enough, I'd creep away and run to my dad's house to hide there. Although I would have to face this battle sooner or later.
William Henderson would've heard everything. I have no doubts that the blond boy is racing around the school trying to find me and confirm the nasty rumours.
The rumours that are mostly true.
"You know," a voice startles me, "William sent out his own little search party for you." Ian has rounded the corner and approaches.
Of all people, I'm upset he found me hiding. He'd witnessed my lightheaded feelings take their grip on me when I fainted in the kitchen. He would believe the rumours.
"I figured that much." I continue picking nervously at my fingers. "I'm guessing everyone knows?"
Ian sighs. "Unfortunately, yes." In the corner of my eye, I watch him unlock his phone and type. "He knows about what happened in the kitchen too. It took me a while, but I connected the dots and went straight to him and Hunter. You fainted in class the same way last year."
Of course he'd remember it. He was there that day sitting in the back of the classroom. I hoped everyone had forgotten. "I assume you just messaged everyone. Does this mean you won't let me make a run for it?"
He doesn't even laugh. "No running. I texted William so he can send the entire basketball and cheerleading teams back to class." Ian tells me and shuts off his phone.
"Two whole teams?" I thought sending his extended friends would have been enough. I can't believe he had both teams looking. This is more humiliating for me.
"He really cares about you, Lolita. I think you need to start caring about yourself now." He smiles softly before he turns around and disappears around the corner, leaving me alone with the words hanging in the air.
I think you need to start caring about yourself now.
I could run, knowing it is possible, but I don't. So for the next few minutes I sit and wait for any shred left inside of me to be ripped away.
I messed up again, and need to fix it.
I swallow nervously when William Henderson, my best friend of thirteen years, runs around the corner and almost slips over in the process. The panic on his face is enough for my stomach to twist.
He isn't alone, Hunter closely follows, but he stays his distance to let William handle the situation. It might've been easier to handle if he weren't here.
As far as the blond boy knows, he thinks things are fine between us and I was simply keeping distance because I'm sick.
In a sense, I was.
They're both still in their training gear, with hair still tousled and a slight layer of sweat on their faces. If Ian hadn't said anything, or if I were alone, maybe this all wouldn't have happened.
William's eyes begin to water, a mix of emotions overwhelming them. Confusion, anger, guilt, sadness. The same I'm experiencing too.
He's witnessed me like this so many times. I feel horrible each time I put him through it. If I could change everything just for him, I would. But it's hard. So difficult I'd rather put myself through hell than fix myself.
"I can't decide if I want to hug, or slap you first." He walks closer, the tears threatening to spill worse than ever. I deserve the slap, even though he is joking about it so I would feel better.
He sees it now. He sees everything I covered with an excuse or lie. The bags beneath my eyes because I'd trade sleep for exercise, the baggy clothes, the pale skin.
I can't hold it my tears back anymore. I've began to crumble. "Can I have the hug first?"
William presses his lips into a tight line when they quiver and his first tear falls. He drops to the stairs beside me and wraps his arms tightly around my body.
I hear his sharp intake of breath which he tried hiding. He's hugged me so many times in my life that he'd know that I'd lost weight again. "I'm sorry." All of this is my fault. I apologise again. "I'm so sorry, Will. I tried, I really did."
"No, no, no. Right now, you don't need to be sorry, okay?" William cries out, and my heart nearly snaps in two. "I need you to be strong for me. We can get through this. We've done this before, and we can do it again."
Hunter is still standing awkwardly aside, watching both of us with a frown. He's playing with his fingers the same way I was with my own when Ian found my hiding spot.
"Why didn't you tell me this was happening? You know you can trust me. You hardly get viral infections, I should've realised when none of us got sick too." William pauses for a moment to take another worrying breath. "Did something happen to you?"
He was scared to ask. The fear is laced through each word. The question becomes incredibly heavy to answer. Nothing happened to me the way he thinks. Yet, everything happened. Life did.
For a moment, I glance at Hunter, questioning if the only reason I was tipped over the edge again was because of how he'd ran from my apartment, then sent the message.
It wasn't his fault.
It was all my own.
He'd tried messaging me and speaking so many times, but I found a way to avoid it. I already wrapped myself in my old world, and hide away. Either way, I don't think I could forget the agony I felt when he left me.
"I'm not really in the mood to talk right now, Will." He separates himself from hugging me, but stays close by.
A heavy sigh catches both of our attention. Hunter Kings rubs his face painfully while he steps forward. "It's my fault."
I nearly recoil at his voice that cracks, and his effort to take the blame for something that is not his.
William's eyes sharpen on the brown haired boy. "What?" He questions hesitantly with a chest that starts to heave heavily.
I shake my head and shoot a warning glare at Hunter. "Now is not the best time-"
"No." Hunter silences me and walks so he's standing in front of William and I. "I messed up. This is my fault, and I've been trying to fix it, but it's a lot harder than I thought. I'm sorry."
William grits his teeth. He really shouldn't have said anything. My hand latches on William's arm when attempts to stand and burst with rage- thinking the absolute worst.
"Will, please. You can do whatever you want to do later. Just not now." I can't handle this. My hands are already shaking.
I don't want my best friend to hurt Hunter. The cogs are spinning in his head, glazing over all the memories of when I would ignore Hunter or dismiss conversation of him.
William's jaw remains clenched, but he turns his attention back to me, trying his hardest to soften his features.
"Come on," he holds his hand for me to take, "we have to go." My fingers curl around his hand and I stand with shaky legs. Before I can ask where we're going- hoping for him to say home, William looks back over to Hunter. "You're coming with us. If I were you, I'd be leaving the country right now. I don't want you out of my sight or running until I've taken care of her."
William keeps ahold of my hand, and tugs me along through the school until we reach his car. Hunter slowly following us to keep a safe distance, and every few seconds my best friend would check that he is still there.
It would be less painful if William told Hunter to go.
Once we reach his car, the blond opens both the passenger door and the back door. I climb in the back despite his protests. I know he wants me next to him, and Hunter far away.
I don't want to sit in the front knowing he is behind me and has every opportunity steal glances from there. I'd rather hide behind him and be on my own.
I close the door and buckle my seatbelt, leaning my head against the window. I let shoulders slump forward.
Once again, I am the problem. The storm that forces everyone to go indoors. William Henderson has been the only one to step outside with his umbrella until I calmed to a clear sky.
He is doing that again- sacrificing time from his life to help me. My best friend should be in class now, studying for a future while I let mine go up in flames.
"You sure as hell have a lot of explaining to do." Each word oozes venom. William glances at Hunter while he drives. "You're lucky I haven't thrown your ass out of his window yet. I mean seriously, I don't even know why I'm not slamming your head into the fucking dashboard."
"William, stop." I beg, wanting to rid his brewing anger. If he keeps arguing with Hunter, he is going to cause an accident- I can't have another one so soon.
He huffs out a breath. "You're only lucky that she's in the car, Kings. Otherwise I well and truely would've slipped you under the wheel of the car and crushed your body like a grape."
When I turn my head, I catch a glimpse of Hunter through the revision mirror. He already was looking at me.
We seem just as bad as each other. Two teenagers, living through the primal years of our life and experiencing a similar looking pain. But for many different reasons.
I pinch the fabric of my hoodie at the sleeves together and lean back against the window, away from the sight of the mirror.
I can't help but feel worse when William places his elbow on the door and brushes his hair stressfully out of his face. His lips are pressed together tightly after blowing out a breath.
I'd already done this to him, but I can imagine it's much, much worse. Last time I was carried away in an ambulance because I publicly fainted, but this is the first time he is the one taking me away from school.
"I'm sorry." I say to William. "All of this is my fault."
He shakes his head and shoulders grow stiff. "No, Lols. Don't say that. We're going to fix this, okay? I won't let you go through what you went through last year."
I don't respond. His promise is reassuring.
He is going to help me.
No more hospitals, no more judgment.
I hate knowing I need to be 'fixed', as they call it. I'm a problem that everyone else needs to mend to. A broken doll with thick layers of duct tape holding in the stuffing.
When I look out of the window again, William parks the car in the hospital parking lot. I grip the door handle tightly.
But- but he just said that he wasn't going to let me go through what I went through last year. I thought he meant the hospital, yet here we are.
I can't go back.
I can't be stuck there again.
"Come on, Lols." William mutters and climbs out of the car. Hunter follows, but I can't help but stay seated in my spot. I cannot get out of his car.
The handle is ripped from my grasp when Hunter pulls the door open until William shoves him away and holds it open himself.
Panic is gripping every bone in my body and threatens to shatter them. The splinters pierce my lungs.
"Lolita, are you coming?" William is holding his hand out for me to take.
"Do I have a choice in this?" I ask and he shakes his head.
I know if I refuse and hold my ground- he'd drag me by my kicking ankles. I was tempted to try and run, but two basketball players would easily catch up to me before I could take three steps.
I slide out the car, letting William close the door behind me. He takes my hand in his and we begin to walk in the direction of the main entrance.
My steps feel heavier than the last, and my head spins the same way it had right before I fainted. My hollow stomach claws and my vision sways.
Every step I take towards the large green sign that says 'Lacewood Hospital', and the glass sliding door beneath it, is painful. This is incredibly embarrassing for me to know I'd landed into its lap again.
Hunter trails behind us again, and William sends a glare over his shoulder. I wondered why he forced him to come. Was this some sort of sick punishment? Making him watch the consequences of the actions he claimed were his and covering it with the blanket lie of keeping him in sight?
The glass doors slide open for us, and the familiar smell of disinfectant overwhelms my senses and burns at my nose.
William rudely ignores the receptionist at the front who asks us if we need help, but it is all done out of his anger bubbling within him. He normally would never do that.
He obnoxiously presses the elevator button consistently and waits for the heavy doors to ease open. "Better be quick getting in, Kings. It would be a real shame if your head somehow got stuck in the doors." William bitterly says.
Though the elevator is quite spacious, I feel suffocated. The air is drained and the walls have decided to confine us into an invisible tight space.
"Breathe any louder, and I'll stop you from being able to breathe-"
"William, that's enough." I feel the need to stop his threats again. I don't have the energy to watch him fight Hunter like this.
I'm angry enough myself. I'd been bought here when I didn't want to. My best friend, the person I love the most in the world, is handing me over to the cruelest punishment.
"You're lucky he's still alive for me to keep the threats going." William glances at Hunter who is on the other side of the elevator. "I would've killed him the moment he said 'my fault'. I'm still waiting until you look the other way to do it."
I nudge him to stop as the doors open again, on the one floor I hated the most.
The third floor.
Psychiatric Care.
Where the eating disorder ward is hidden amongst other care facilities and offices for appointments.
There's a whole section dedicated to it unlike most hospitals. Lacewood specialises in it. Other hospitals send their worst patients here to get the focused health they need- if they require more attention.
It's ironic given that I live here, and the hospital houses it. Almost like five year old me knew Lacewood was my calling.
My cold skin somehow heats under my loose clothing. I hate this floor. I hate everything about it- I want to go home.
The blond had dragged me out of the elevator and towards the doors for the eating disorder section when my feet are unable to move on their own.
"William, please don't. I don't want to- I can't, please." He swallows at the sound of my pleas and cries.
"We have to, Lols, you know this." Him using my nickname only hurts more. "Just have a talk to Doctor Weston, and we can go from there."
That place is filled with so many horrid and gloomy memories. Everyone's thoughts are soaked into the walls. I always feel hopeless in there.
All the doctors have false hope that we will get better, thinking the hope would transfer into us. It's not like a common cold. It's something not a lot of us can get over. This is our lives for most of us.
We're hurting in ways most too difficult to explain.
"I don't want to, I can't, please. Just let me go home." Where it's safe, it's warm, and I can't be judged.
William pulls my hand harder. His blue eyes are filled with his own tears, the situation hard for him. I don't think he wants to do this as much as I don't want to be here.
"I also don't want to do this, but you need to see Doctor Weston and he can let me know if you'll be okay to come home." The answer still isn't reassuring for me.
"Will, please, please don't do this to me." I fight against his hand and dig the heels of my feet into the ground to stop myself from being dragged in there.
I can't be stuck here again.
I can't be stuck here again.
I can't be stuck here again.
"I'm sorry, Lolita. I really am. I'm only doing what's best." The door is already so close, but I want to be far away from it.
He forces Hunter to hold the glass door open so both arms can be used to take me in the waiting room. "Sir, is everything okay?" The receptionist leaves her desk rather abruptly when she notices our scene. She steps around it and walks closer to us.
"Is Doctor Weston available right now?" The blond asks.
"Yes he is." The lady nods and pats down her skirt and shoots a glance at me. "Would you like me to go and get him? Or do you want to book an appointment?"
"If you could get him, that would be great. Thank you." He replies and guides me towards the horrid blue seats.
I shove him off me. I don't mean to be rude to him, although I can't help it. Every fibre in my body is either writhing in fear or burning in rage because he'd dragged me in here.
The receptionist turns around and goes towards the Doctor's specialist rooms. I slump down in one of the chairs and cross my arms.
Hunter moves to sit down beside me, but William storms over to us and roughly shoves him away. Yet again. "You're only asking to be killed."
I point my stare at the speckled floor to avoid looking at either of them.
"Hey, Will." Doctor Weston's voice appears, but I don't look up. I wondered if he heard the threat that was said. "Oh, Lolita." He must've finally spotted me sitting grumpily on the seats.
I glance up and take in his disappointment and sadness. Everything we rebuilt together to get me 'healthy' has fractured.
"Sorry for the sudden drop in, but I needed some help." William trusts him with me. It's the only thing he doesn't tackle with a rant.
My health- according to him, is not something to taken lightly. It's why he brought me straight here without assessing the damage or asking the questions himself.
"Come with me, kiddo." Doctor Weston rubs the stubble of his beard. "We'll chat in my room."
It was no ordinary chat- it's an assessment. I'll be asked questions, be told to stand in my underwear, weighed, spine checked for bruising, tests- it is endless.
I stand up from the chair, the movement a lot harder than it use to be. "I don't want to do this again." I mutter honestly to him.
"I know examinations are tough and you hate this place, but you'll just have to grit and bare through the hardest of it." His pep talk is miserable. It does no good.
William rubs the side of my arm comfortingly- even after I had shoved him when we arrived here. Hunter stands silent beside us, unaware what to do.
"We have to go now. You two can wait out here until we're finished." Doctor Weston tells the boys. "Room 1, same as always." He tells me and begins to walk off towards his consultation room.
"I'll be right out here waiting." William flashes me a small smile as I drag me feet to follow Doctor Weston.
Being stuck in this ward isn't like anything else. It's as if I'm locked out of life.
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