The absurd amount of turbulence on the flight to Spain didn't stop Dallas from ordering drink after sloshy drink. Somehow he managed to keep the majority of the alcohol off of his clothes, trying to time his sips in between the plane's jolts and gyrations.
While he slouched in his seat, tossing back one plastic cup after another, I tried my best to focus on him rather than the Scotch in his hand. It seemed that every time I spotted alcohol lately, my mouth suddenly went as dry as the Sahara, and I was dying of thirst for something strong and smooth – something that would dull the pain and ease the stress that this mission – this wild goose chase – had created. My scratchy throat was starting to become unbearable, and I was about to give in to the temptation to order a Heineken, at least. Maybe I could force myself to opt for beer instead of hard liquor, I thought.
"Hey." Matt nudged my upper arm with his elbow and shifted in his seat to face me. "Are you feeling alright, Tali?"
I was awkwardly sandwiched between Dallas and Matt on a plane that felt like it was riding a mechanical bull rather than flying. "Alright" was not exactly achievable at the moment.
Still, I shrugged, trying to downplay how shitty I was feeling. "I'm fine, Matt."
But he knew me better than that. He could always tell when I was bullshitting him, just like Dallas could, and sometimes I really hated that about them.
"I don't buy that for a second," he said quietly, trying to keep our conversation between just us two. "Why don't we go somewhere more private and talk?"
Dallas cleared his throat and we turned our attention to him. He was staring lazily down the aisle at the flight attendant who was handing out more drinks. My throat burned at the sight of more alcohol.
"Tali," Matt whispered again, nodding toward the back of the plane. "Come on."
He got up and gracelessly maneuvered passed Dallas and me, stopping in the walkway to wait for me.
Dallas's brows drew inward and the look he gave me said more than words could. I knew he didn't like Matt, but this was the first time it had crossed my mind that he didn't trust Matt.
"I'll be right back," I assured him, despite his silent protest, and I followed Matt to the back of the jet.
We managed to squeeze both our bodies into the tiny bathroom and pull the folding door shut. Once the door was locked, I realized just how tightly we were packed into the room. My nose was about an inch from touching Matt's chest, and our lower halves were squished together in the most uncomfortable way possible.
Matt let out an uneasy chuckle, looking down into my eyes. "This isn't exactly how I expected this to go..."
"I feel like a sardine packed in a teeny-weeny can," I agreed, trying to find my way around his body to sit up on the lavatory and give him room to stand comfortably.
When we finally reached a sufficient position, I blew out a heavy breath and wiped away the droplets of sweat that had gathered on my forehead. I hated being in tight spaces like this one and the damn motel vent system. I had always battled a certain amount of claustrophobia, though I'd never admitted it to my team or superiors. That was a disqualifying detail.
"Tell me what's bothering you, Tali," Matt spoke up, his voice gentle and full of concern as he leaned against the door with his arms folded. "Is it the alcohol? Is it the turbulence? What is it?"
I knew he was just trying to be a good, supportive friend, but damn, the questions made me want to explode! Matt didn't deserve to be hollered at, though. He'd done nothing wrong. I tried to keep my cool for his sake.
"All I want right now, Matt, is to find a nice, cozy place to sleep off my anxiety and stress, without having to worry about Santiago and Brit and their army of thugs busting down the door to kill me. Is that too much to ask for?" I choked back the overwhelming urge to break down in front of him. "I'm sorry, Matt. I'm so sorry. You don't deserve this shit. You shouldn't even be a part of this. You should be at home, safe, with the rest of our team. I'm so sorry I dragged you into this."
The tears I'd been holding back fought their way to the surface and the floodgates opened. Matt awkwardly stepped around the toilet and wrapped his arms around me, my cries muffled by his shirt.
This was getting to be too much of a regular thing with him. I hadn't cried this much around Matt since the incident four years ago. What the fuck was wrong with me now?
"I don't know what to say to make things better, or if there even is anything I can do to help, but I'm here. I'm not going anywhere, Tali. And I'll do anything and everything you need me to. I'm in this for the long haul," Matt muttered softly, his chin resting on my head while he rubbed my back.
I wanted to focus solely on his words and appreciate the fact that my team leader had become such a great, dependable friend. Instead, I was reminded of the way Matt had looked at me when I'd changed his bandage in the minivan. I'd been needing to discuss our situation – his feelings for me – but I would've gladly avoided that conversation for the next millennium. It was clear to me now, though, that it was time to talk about it – especially while we had the luxury of a little privacy, even if it was a foot from an airplane toilet.
"Matt, there's something we need to talk about," I said, pulling out of his embrace, my tone now serious.
The atmosphere around us seemed to change, and I knew by the look on his face that he was well aware of what had been going through my mind.
He nodded, a somberness invading his caring eyes. "I know, Tali. I know. I've let my emotions get the better of me lately, and I've been too close. I've been too... Hell, I don't know what to call it. Tali, I fucked up. I don't want to get in between you and Dallas. I swear. But I do care about you more than a friend or fellow agent. I have for a long time. Ever since... ever since that night we had together. I assume that'll go away with time, because I know I'm not the man for you. And I'm sorry I failed to keep my feelings to myself. I'm not being a very good team leader, am I?"
Matt breathed an uncomfortable laugh, looking down at the floor and rubbing the back of his neck in embarrassment, and I suddenly felt guilty for even bringing the subject up. I started to apologize, but that annoying little voice in the back of my head told me to just shut up and let the man speak. Maybe that's all that needed to happen. Maybe Matt just needed to get it off his chest.
"Tali, I love you," he said sincerely, his eyes flooded with worry like he thought he was taking a huge risk by telling me. "But I'm not in love with you. And I know you're not in love with me, and you never will be. You and Dallas have always been made for each other, and it honestly makes me so happy to see you get to be with him again. I've seen you suffer for so long, and now you don't have to anymore, and I'm thrilled for you. Really, I am. I guess I just thought that... Never mind."
I knew he meant every word he was saying. I knew he was happy for me. But I also knew it hurt him to see me with someone who wasn't him.
Since the night we'd shared together, Matt's and my relationship had gone on a wild rollercoaster ride. He'd become much more protective of me. As a team leader, he'd gotten a lot harder on me, but I knew that was just because he was terrified of me getting hurt due to my own alcohol-infused stupidity. Matt's level of concern for me had skyrocketed over the years, and even though his bossiness infuriated me most of the time, I appreciated that he cared as much as he did. I didn't know any other A.R.T. team leader who would've put up with all my nonsense and risk taking the way Matt did. Anyone else would've booted me off the team faster than I could down another bottle of Jim Beam.
"Did you think that we could've ended up together, had Dallas not come back?" I asked him, my head beginning to pound with the turbulence.
Matt's body stilled and he slowly dragged his gaze from his shoes up to meet my eyes. His expression was almost that of guilt and regret. The silence was deafening.
Finally, he gave a slow nod. "Yeah, Tali... I think I did. I guess I thought that I could be the one guy to be there for you and help you work through everything until someday, you'd be happy again... Maybe with me. But I was naïve to think that that was a possibility."
I stretched out my arms and he looked at me hesitantly for a moment before stepping forward. I pulled him into a long, tight hug, and thanked him over and over for being the most amazing friend I could've asked for.
Matt had been there through literally everything. Many other A.R.T. agents had tried to be there for me and help me, but none of them could ever one-hundred-percent understand what I was going through, because none of them had been there when the incident happened. Only Matt would ever truly know what had happened and how much I was hurting. He'd witnessed the whole thing.
Similarly, dozens of agents and coworkers and friends had tried to be there for Matt over the years, but none of them knew what it was like to go through losing almost your entire team in a gunfight. None of them except me.
It made perfect sense to me why Matt had thought there was a relationship potential for us. We'd been through the same shit together. We were each other's rock through it all. It was rational. He wasn't naïve to think that way. I'd occasionally let myself think about it, too, over the years. The only thing that had stopped me from giving him a chance was the excruciating fact that it would feel like cheating on Dallas. Otherwise, I probably would've gotten romantically involved with Matt a long time ago.
Our long hug was interrupted by several loud knocks on the bathroom door.
"We're getting ready to land," came Dallas's gruff voice from the other side, and Matt and I pulled apart from each other like we'd been caught with our hands in the cookie jar.
I was thankful that there weren't any cracks in the door that Dallas could see through, but I knew it had been driving him insane wondering what we were up to in the bathroom for so long. If he'd seen us hugging, it would've just fueled his fire.
"We'll be out in just a minute," Matt responded, raking his fingers through his messy hair and adjusting his ball cap.
He reached for the lock and I grabbed his arm to stop him for a second.
"Matt, thank you for being so understanding and everything," I said sincerely. "You don't know how much your support and love means to me. I'm glad we had this talk."
He nodded and pressed an innocent kiss to my forehead. "Me, too."
After Matt went back to his seat, I stayed in the bathroom for another minute or two, splashing cold water on my face and trying to settle my shaky nerves. My brain was suddenly overwhelmed with questions and wonder about what was to happen once we landed in Barcelona. We hadn't exactly thrown together a game plan yet, and I was anxious to start talking over plans with the guys.
Raul Bellisario's records detailed where each of Miguel Santiago's safe houses, drug warehouses, storage facilities, meeting locations, and other important places were. As I thought it over, I could feel my pulse quicken and my nerves begin to tingle with excitement. We were about to run full force into the lion's den with targets on our backs. My adrenaline was ready to go on warp drive. This was the shit I became an agent for. This was the shit I loved.
I finally exited the bathroom after the flight attendant knocked and told me I needed to take my seat for landing. Sauntering back to our row, I slid back in between Dallas and Matt, who were both completely silent, and I eagerly waited to feel the plane touch down on the runway. Now that I'd talked things out with Matt and I wasn't so worried about distractions, I was forcing myself to focus more than ever on bringing Santiago and his minions down.
If there was one thing I was sure of, it was that Miguel Santiago was going to regret ever threatening me, and Enrique Bellucci would be lucky if he ended up back in prison after I was finished with him.