M E A N I N G F U L
M I S T A K E S
Chapter Twenty Nine
Lying is a terrible thing.
But sometimes, it feels like the only choice.
"Are you sure you're okay?" For the hundredth time, William asks, leaning against my bedroom door frame.
"I told you I'm fine. I think I'm either coming down with something. It might only be something I ate messing with me." I don't look him the the eye because he'll know I'm not telling the truth.
I couldn't bring myself to admit what had happened yesterday. I was embarrassed that I was worth more than a text message, and that I'd relapsed.
Maybe in a few days once I've calmed myself I'll be able to say the words.
William buys my life. My pale face and sagging eyes are convincing enough. "I've stocked up on more flu meds if you need some. Are you well enough to go out today? Myself, Chuck, and Hunter are going out to check out restaurant that opened yesterday. Did you want to come?"
Hunter is hanging out with my friends? Acting as if nothing happened? Betrayal twists my stomach. If he said said something to William or acted upset, by now the blond boy would be interrogating me.
"No, it's okay. If I'm sick I should stay away from everyone for a while. I don't want to make you all unwell too." The familiar sting behind my eyes begins to plead me to release the tears I've held in.
Surprisingly, I hadn't cried as much as I thought. I feel hollow and unable to bring myself to think about anything. Taking control of my eating habits has always numbed me.
I'm scared if I lose the old patterns- that I'll have to think about the world around me. About what had happened between Hunter and I, how he slept with me that ran away. All I got was an unexplainable text message.
I'm use to loss, but every time I experience it, I always have exercise and food to distract me. It's what ruined me last year, but it's what kept me from crashing into darkness.
"Do you want me to make you something to eat before I go?" My stomach almost grows at him for the question.
I'd gotten a grip on the voice in my head once I felt the hospital. Now it runs rapid again and is louder than ever. I can't stop it.
"No, it's fine. I feel too sick at the moment to even think about eating. I'll get up when I'm feeling better and make something." William remains blind to my lies I continue feeling.
"Call me if you need anything." He says me then leaves my room with a smile, then I hear the apartment door open and close. He's gone, and I'm alone again.
My fingers massage my temples as if I could push out the voice in my head. As if I could rid everything my mother taught me. As if I could will enough strength to stop believing slipping or purging meals is the right way.
Being with Hunter had lifted me so high, that once I read his message I was plunged out from the sky. I crashed back into my shell- reminded of who I really am.
I toss the blankets off and climb out of bed, instantly feeling slightly dizzy and nauseous. I'd forgotten how this felt. I'd eaten so much yesterday, but got rid of it all straight away. There was nothing in my stomach keeping me functional.
Feeling the world around me spin every time I stand is a reminder of how I can control my body. It's like floating for a near moment. Once my head steadies that euphoria dies. I chase feeling more weightless part of my mind.
I search for a comfortable pair of clothes- settling for a pair of baggy jeans and a plain shirt with an oversized jacket over top.
I need a break from my apartment. The more time I spend in bed pretending me to incredibly sick is the more time I remember how I'd given a piece of my vulnerability to Hunter Kings, and he left with it.
I slip on shoes, grab my phone and keys then leave the apartment. I use to walk and run a lot- I think that's what I need now. I want to be anywhere else but this room.
I exit the apartment building through the main entrance so there is no possibility of running into the boys incase they took their time leaving.
The cold wind on the streets fans my face harshly. The skin stings at its icy feel. Even Lacewood reflects the storm within me.
The usual mist that wraps around the trees has settled low today and blurs most of the buildings. Dark grey clouds block the sunlight and warmth.
I breathe in the damp air. It soothes my lungs as I walk. I needed this. I needed to feel my legs being pushed like the old times. I want to find a safe place to go for a run, or perhaps a staircase to go up and down.
Anything to keep me distracted.
I'm not sure how I ended up here. After so long of walking and running until I felt truely sick, I had decided for company. There's only one person I know who understands me and won't act out like William would.
"You can go in now, miss." The receptionist says the same moment I sign my name into the visitors book.
I drop the pen onto the desk and walk down the hall to Jake Miller's room, where the door is closed. I knock twice and he calls for me to come in.
"Hey." I nearly cry at the sound of his voice. He looks much better. More like the Jake I knew. The gash on his head is nearly completely gone.
He hugs me and ruffles my hair the same way he always does. "How are you?" I ask as we part.
"I'm doing well." We sit on the window seat. "What about you? You don't look so crash hot."
I knew I couldn't hide anything from him. I risk it all just so I can be here with Jake. It wasn't my wisest choice exercising before visiting.
"Tell me about." I huff and the message Hunter had sent me flashes in my mind. I had to go on with the rest of the day still feeling the distant reminder of him between my legs. It was agony not being able to forgot it all.
Later that day there was another message from him, but I refused to read it. I couldn't. So, I switched my phone off. I've yet to turn it back on- it's a deadweight in my pocket.
"What happened?" Jake is the first person to ask what happened, not what's wrong. "It's a bit hard for me to keep up with the hot gossip when I'm in here."
I feel terrible for him. I know what it's like to be shut off from the world. "A lot." I nervously play with my fingers, digging my nails into the flesh so I don't cry. "Things are just a little all over the place at the moment."
"Want to talk about it?"
"No, it's fine. I mean, you're the one I should be suggesting to talk to me about how you're going." Its wrong of me to show up here and unload all my dirty laundry to him.
"Trust me, I'm tired of talking. With my mom, the psychologist, and the stupid group therapy- I've had enough." The both of us blankly stare out the window and to the garden. It's not even a happy garden. Most of the flowers are dead or well on their way to withering.
"It sucks, doesn't it? Being locked away because you can't handle pain properly. Everyone thinks there's something wrong with you because they don't understand."
Jake hums in agreement. "They see what you're doing to yourself before they see why you're doing it."
His words hang in the air. I don't think I'd ever forget it. "Exactly."
"What's bugging you?" Jake asks after a moment of silence. I bite the inside of my cheek. "You're not going to get away with not telling me."
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
Don't cry.
"Things just aren't so good." I try to avoid the question as best as I can, but Jake places a hand on my shoulder and urges me to let it out. "You can't tell anyone, please? Especially William, he'll go into his panic mode. I don't want him worrying."
My voice is barley stable. I won't say a word." Jake takes the hand off my shoulder and laces his fingers with mine.
I stare at our hands and it only makes the urge to cry worse. He only holds my hand when I'm scared. And today, he's right.
"For the first time in four years, I had such a good birthday. I even got out of bed for once. Hunter had planned such a nice day for us, and it was amazing." I pause to steady my breathing knowing I need to skip to the blunt of things. "I- we, had sex. I wasn't scared of it like I thought I would be. Yesterday, I told him I loved him. I know, I know it probably was a terrible idea to say it so quickly, but you know how I am. He ran from the apartment straight after, then sent me a message essentially saying he needs time away from me and that he was sorry."
Saying it out loud was like having someone walk all over my chest. "He did what?" Jake's face seems more curious than angry.
"I feel so used all over again." I mutter shamefully.
His thumb rubs the back of my hand. "It doesn't make sense. He was here on Thursday and was talking all about you. Everything seemed fine."
The words are a knife to the chest. "Nothing makes sense at this point." I lean forward, trying to ease the new discomfort in my stomach.
"Why don't you want to tell Will?"
"It's embarrassing to tell him that Hunter practically broke up with me after I admitted I loved him. He and Chuck encouraged me to say it. If I had to tell him that Hunter had left the day after we slept together, I'd be locked in my room like rapunzel so no boy would never come near me again."
I love my best friend more than anyone in the world, but he's very protective of me. He would want to fix the problem himself and I would be the broken glass he does everything to try and fix.
"If I wasn't locked in this hell hole than I would be knocking down his apartment door right now." Jake squeezes my hand.
"Too bad he's out hanging with William and Chuck." His eyebrows raise. "I have no clue if he's going to say anything to him either. He obviously hadn't when they organised their plans."
"He's a fucking idiot. I swear, if he comes anywhere near this building I'll pull out his teeth and turn them into a necklace for you." I laugh at Jake. "Even still, I don't understand why he's done this. If he didn't feel the same way back, why wouldn't he just tell you?"
"It only makes it so worse that I still have this." I let go of Jake's hand so I can pull up my jacket sleeve and show the bracelet Hunter had gotten me.
Jake's shoulders tense. "Lolita, that's one hell of an expensive looking bracelet."
"No shit." I cover it back up. "He gave it to me on my birthday. I'm not sure if I'm supposed to give it back, keep it and hide it, keep wearing it? I have no clue. It hurts me every time I look at it."
"I think I'm just as confused as you are right now."
After spending at least an hour talking with Jake, I make my way back to the apartments. I'd worn my body out so much with the previous time spent walking and running.
I had just pushed open my bedroom door after getting back when I hear someone else unlocking the apartment. It must be William.
It's not just William. I hear a short response from Hunter. My chest tightens. He's in my apartment, and by the sound of his voice, he seems to be acting fine.
I quickly rush into my bedroom and slam my door behind me, locking it in the process. I can't face him. I can't do it.
A groan escapes me when my eyes start to water. I'd been holding it off for so long now that it feels impossible to continue to do so.
There's no way I can stay in here and listen to the distant middle of his voice. I'm stuck in a dead end and there's no way out of someone tries to make me open the door.
William is under the impression that I'm avoiding everyone because I'm sick. That's the only thing keeping suspicion away since he knows I'm usually drawn to Hunter's side.
I grab my duffel bag and shove a hoodie and sweatpants in. After throwing it over my shoulder, I turn on my phone to find multiple messages from Hunter Kings.
I don't bother reading them. He'd given up so easily, and I can't drown myself even more in the memory. I avoids looking at the texts and call my dad.
"Lolita, hi." He answers immediately. There's surprise in his tone. "Is everything okay?"
"Can you text me your new address?" My foot drums against the carpet to distract myself from crying.
"Uh, y-yeah sure. Is everything okay?" Again, he questions me.
When I feel my phone buzz beside my ear with the message that holds the address, I once more, dodge the question. "Okay, thank you." I end the call abruptly.
The handle of my bag is tightly gripped while I slowly open my door and listen out for the direction of voices. I hear them speaking from the kitchen area which makes me curse.
I'd have to walk past them to make my escape. At the same time I need William to believe I'm sick.
I force my head to the ground while I leave my room and do my best to leave undetected. "Where are you going?"
Air becomes trapped in my throat when William asks this and his conversation with the brown haired boy sitting across from him halts.
I don't stop walking. "To dad's. He wants to see me." Part of it is a lie, but the part about going to his house isn't untrue. I throw open the apartment door, being free from the tension. "I won't be home tonight."
My shaking hands close the door and I start speed walking towards the elevator. I need to be out of this building as fast as possible. The walls are closing in on me.
I almost can't breathe after seeing him again, in my safe place, acting like everything is fine.
After pressing the down button constantly, the elevator doors slide open and I step inside when I hear his voice from down the hall.
"Lolita, Wait!" Hearing Hunter has begun to hurt. I use to love the sound of his tone and laugh. It's gone now.
I wonder if he can see my hand spamming the close door button. I watch him momentarily try his best to race down the hall. For what purpose? I don't know. Please, please, let it close.
I can't handle seeing him. I don't want to hear an explanation that will hurt so much worse. He wants time, then he can have it. I want my own too.
The silver doors start to close, but I continue biting my tongue. I should look away from him. I'm only hurting myself by staring at someone who I loved.
His eyebrows are pulled together and his lips are in a tight line. His hair is messier than usual and he only wears bland clothes. I question if he feels guilty for the message and wants to say that he needs space to my face.
The doors close, and he's gone. He wasn't fast enough down the hall.
Time passes by me and I do everything I can not to remember how nice his bare skin felt against mine, or how he was incredibly gentle, and then how he left my apartment.
I leave the apartment complex and find myself walking again. Dad has moved to Lacewood. It surprised me when I read the address to his new house which is in the well maintained residential side of town.
I can walk there despite how much my legs ache already.
My phone begins to ring in my hand, and when I look down at the glowing screen, I see William's name and face.
"Hello?" I answer almost immediately as I continue walking down the street. I at least can reassure my best friend who has always been there for me that I am safe. He would be even more curious if I ignored him.
"Lolita Brown, you're giving me the biggest heart attack of my life! I thought you weren't feeling well?" His rain of questions start.
"I'm not, but I need to see my dad. It couldn't wait." I truely do need my father now. Despite everything that has happened between us, nothing will make me better than seeing the man who raised me.
"Are you sure it couldn't? You look and sound really sick, I think we should go to a doctor incase you have a virus that needs antibiotics." He thinks I'm just sick. I'm glad he does- it saves a much bigger conversation. "On a serious note though, Lols, I know you're unwell, but you didn't even stop to talk to Hunter. You won't get him sick if you're at least a few feet apart. He's right here, hang on I'll put you on the phone to him-"
"No!" I exclaim almost too quickly. "Dad knows I'm sick, he's going to make sure I'm okay. I've got to go now, I'll talk to you both later? I'm running late as it is. I'll see you when I'm home." I end the call before William can hand the phone off to Hunter.
My best friend is unaware of the tension between myself and the Kings boy. I can't believe he's acting perfectly normal to William.
I stop walking and open social media, searching for Hunter's account. The photo of us still remains there, with a large amount of likes and comments. What was such a lovely picture of the both of us together- having fun, is ruined. To me at least. My throat swells with pain in efforts to hold back tears.
It as if everything at once hits me again. I have been abandoned so many times, even by myself, yet it still hurts just as bad every time.
I wander onto the front lawn of my dad's new house. It's much more homely than his last. There's a beautiful garden along the stone path, and the wood is painted a nice shade of pale yellow.
I knock at the mahogany door, and a few moments later my dad answers with raises eyebrows. He hadn't expected me so show up after the last time we physically saw each other.
"Lolita, what are you doing here? Why are you crying?"
Instead of wearing a tux alike last time I saw him, he now has on black jeans a red flannel shirt with the sleeves pushed up to his elbows- the same thing he wore when I was a kid. It pains me. I missed him.
I only sob harder. "Why did mom leave?" I've never asked him this. I don't know if even he is aware. "You never told me, and I've spent four years trying to figure it out. I'm old enough if it was anything to do with complicated things no fourteen year old would understand."
Dad opens the door wider. It's his way of welcoming me in. "Come inside, it's too cold out here to talk."
I wipe my cheeks and walk into the small but cozy looking home. Without thinking, I throw my arms around him, making up for the past four years of his life that was controlled by Eliza. She'd ruined what was left of our relationship.
At first, he freezes and grows tense, but slowly, he wraps his arms around me. I squeeze him tighter, feeling like the little girl he took care of again.
"We'll talk in the living room." We let go and he guides me further into the house then turns right into a room with a comfy looking sofa. Most of the place is still undecorated, and there's a few sealed boxes stacked waiting to be opened.
I sit down on the couch and dad sits on the other end, making himself comfortable. "I don't want every detail about why she left. I just want the real reason. The main reason."
He sighs and rubs his eyes. "I caught your mother having an affair." Being stabbed in the back with a knife might've hurt less than heading this. "When I caught her, she packed everything and left."
"That's why she left? On my birthday?" The woman I looked up to my whole life destroyed my family because she couldn't admit she didn't want to be with my father no longer. She wrecked so much in her path, including me.
His lips tug downwards. "It's the hard truth. I know. I don't think I accepted what happened until a few years later."
I lean back and stare at the blank tv. Understanding this new information does nothing but make me continue my blubbering.
"What I want to know is why you showed up here crying already?" I was thankful that dad didn't ask if I am okay. I hate that question.
"Just typical teenage problems." I sniffle and wipe my cheeks with my jacket sleeves.
He gives me a flat look- wanting to press for more answers. "You'll have to tell me sooner or later. You've got four years to fill me in on."
The small smile that settles on his lips takes me by surprise. He really is leaving Eliza and that life behind him. My dad wants his role back.
It was all I ever wanted, but I couldn't admit it.
"Look, first I want to apologise. I was supposed to be a father when your mother left but I lost it. I let myself fall so low that I believed Eliza when all she did was feed lies. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you. I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough."
For the first time in a long time, I watch dad cry.
"There's always a time where we can start fresh. What happened- happened, it can't be changed. All you can do it be a better person." I say.
He wipes away his tears and smiles. "You always were very optimistic growing up. Glad to see that hasn't changed."
The broken bond between us would eventually heal over time. And finally, after four years, I will finally have a parent there for me.
"I'll tell you what, I have a spare bedroom. Why don't you stay the night? It's going to take a while to catch up on four years." Dad offers.
"I'd like that."
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