|Revised|
V's eyes pt 2
At first I thought the idea of going to the planetarium was a waste of time. I didn't see why, or all things, he wanted to do that. But I could also feel my heart pump in excitement at the thought of seeing something so beautiful. After getting into the car with a sleepy Jungkook, my eyes couldn't tear away from him. His drowsiness was adoring, and the way his lips were on a pout had me entranced.
Once he fully fell back asleep I couldn't help but to wrap and arm around him. Just feeling his body warmth was enough to make me feel content, and I enjoyed the feelings of having him breathing against me. After a while of driving I started dozing off too, and when I woke up my body instinctively pulled Jungkook closer, and a small groan escaped his lips.
I blinked my eyes quickly to make it seem like I had been awake the entire time, and his head fell onto my chest. I glanced at him, my free hand tapping my thigh nervously. Why was I so nervous? I didn't know. But when he glanced at my face I just looked at him before looking away.
We pulled up to the planetarium, and Yoongi and Joon went ahead to get us our passes. Jungkook hummed and tried looking at my face before rubbing his eyes and I couldn't help his pout. That damn, beautiful pout. Those lips pulled me in again, and I reached over to make it seem like I was adjusting his hoodie, but I flipped the hood up, covering his face and pressing my lips to his.
It was confirmation to my mind that last night was not a dream and it actually happened. The familiar taste of his lips even though it was quick sent my spine into a burning frenzy and I felt like I was suffocating.
I pulled away and quickly got out of the car. My face was red, and I covered my mouth with my hand, my free hand in my pocket as I walked up to Namjoon and Yoongi, thankful they were both too tired to question my red face.
Inside was a wonderland, and even though we weren't in the showing yet it was still beautiful with all the floating lights as stars. I couldn't look away.
Jungkook seemed to stick to me, going everywhere I did until we were called into the showing room. If I thought just the entrance was beautiful, I was in for a treat because that showing room was absolutely breathtaking and looked like something only a movie and some CGI could pull off. I was hypnotized, thinking about the Times Namjoon use to boast about the stars and tell me about the constellations he knew about.
Seeing how mesmerized Jungkook was made me internally smile. His smile was genuine, like when he was around Jin. His slight dimples showed, and his teeth were slightly visible, eyes wide and glowing with admiration as the fake stars glistened, and the colors of the galaxy flashing.
The sight of Jungkook was more gorgeous than the scene everyone else was gawking at. I couldn't take my eyes off, but I had to. I couldn't dig my grave deeper than it already was with this boy. I couldn't afford it. And neither could he.
Neither of us could.
I caught myself staring up ahead of me at the moon that held memories in my mind, seeing the imprints of what looked like the rabbit in the moon. So many tales and versions of those tales had surfaced throughout the years and different cultures. I found it alluring, beautiful and sweet. Someone sacrificing themselves for someone they didn't know. All he was was an emperor, so I was able to see why the rabbit did it.
But the others didn't.
Do people really sacrifice themselves if they have nothing else to offer to the one they find precious or close to them? Death is permanent...so would it really be worth it? To kill yourself to please or keep the on you love safe? You know damn well it's not worth it, V. You honestly think people are out there killing them selves for people? They aren't, V. You know that. But some people do?
They really do. They had to.
Right?
My eyes soon pulled away from the sky and to Jungkook, catching those beautiful big eyes staring right at me, a soft pink glow on the apples of his cheeks. He seemed to realize I caught him before he flinched, looking like he was entranced. Because he couldn't look away from me. I scoffed at him, finding it ridiculously adorable at the way he acted. Just like a deer caught in headlights, a look he's had a few times.
I slightly leaned close and raised a brow. "You should be looking up there," I whispered, seeing his cheeks glow brighter. But he didn't stop looking at me, and I couldn't help but feel myself grin. I didn't know I had such an affect on the brat. Not this kind of affect.
So I reached out, grabbing his chin in the most delicate way I possibly could, my eyes focusing on his own before taking a glance at his lips, feeling a shock go up my spine to my head, making my dizzy. Those lips, perfect and parted, were the center of my work now. I couldn't believe I kissed them twice in one day, it shocked me. Because they were perfect. Glossy. Bottom lip a bit more plump than the top.
And the cute little tongue almost poking out to say hi. I had to resist the urge to pull his face closer and kiss him because, as tempting as it was, I couldn't- and I mean absolutely couldn't bury myself in this hole. Not when I can easily get out still.
So I tilted his head back so he could see the moon above him, and the way he gawked made my heart flutter, all the caterpillars locked in my chest cavity finally blooming to beautiful butterflies and fluttering around uncontrollably. I glanced back at the sky to think about it the decision I made was the right one. I'd be losing so many things and people by doing what I was doing. But, to me and him, it seemed right. It seemed like it was okay.
The my kind went blank and I just enjoyed the breathtaking view above us, taking every little light and shape in, whether it was flashing or glowing, or even dim. Maybe even a square or circle, or completely shapeless.
V?"
I looked down at Jungkook, raising a brow at the younger man. "Hm?"
The boys face went red as he smiled adorably. "You look beautiful when you aren't thinking of anything."
I just blinked at him, biting the inside of my lip. "Shut up." I looked at my lap and played with the fabric of my pants. 'I always catch him staring at me. Is that why?' I exhaled deeply and ran my fingers across my face and through my locks. "It's probably why you're always staring at me," I scoff.
"Yeah probably."
I looked at him with furrowed brows and wide eyes. "Brat, you aren't suppose to agree with it."
The boy seemed to been with happiness and sudden confidence. It made me happy to see he was starting to act like the Jungkook Taehyung first met, and the Jungkook that I was introduced to. Not someone so frail and weak, but just a normal boy who didn't care about what was said.
"Someone's overly confident," I snickered. Jungkook shrugged and leaned back in his seat.
"I'm just content." He looked back up at the sky, hands resting in his lap as his eyes glued to the ceiling again. "Im.....happy."
I stared at his gorgeous side view, seeing how his nose scrunched slightly as the small smile turned into puckering lips. I could see his eyes slightly living as his eyebrows lowered to give him the appearance of someone deep in thought or even concentrating.
He thought I was beautiful when I was spaced out?
He was looked heart-stopping while being spaced out.
After the 30 minute showing, we left the room. Namjoon and Yoongi went their separate ways and Jungkook stuck to me, being overly quiet. I felt tired out of nowhere, like a sudden boulder of fatigue hit me, and it took everything I had in me not to sway back and forth or fall over. 'Maybe I just need to sit...' I gripped my hair with one hand, my other in my pocket playing with the lint.
I wanted to rip my hair out if it meant making the sudden fatigue and pain disappear. I couldn't have it happening, not there of all places. It wasn't good. What was happening, why was it happening- Tsk. You call me a baby and you can't even deal with a simple hit?
This fucking guy....
I slowed down and let Jungkook walk in front of me so he couldn't see any waver in my appearance or stature, and when I was behind him I finally let the pain contort my face. It scrunched up, feeling the like the skin was tightening across my face like a plastic bag being wrapped around me.
The feeling of mud filling my lungs was what caught my attention, and I knew what was happening, and I wasn't going to allow it to happen to me. Not now. Not anytime soon. I refused to go back to that dark pit of hell. It wasn't made for me, it was made for him- because of him. I never did anything to create that thing we both hated.
Not my fault.
Nor responsibility. It was all his.
I wanted to grip the wall but knew if I did Jungkook would ask if I was okay or needed help walking. But if I didn't grab onto something I'd fall.
"Is there a specific room you wanna see?"
I cursed at hearing the soft voice ask the question and I let out an inaudible groan. "I just want to go back to sleep," I muttered, stopping next to Jungkook who stared at words above a room. I checked the name, seeing the label, then looked back at the boy. Jungkook glanced at the door, biting his lip.
Anyone could tell he'd want to go in and look at the new stars that had names he never even knew about. Like that clichè 'boy staring into a candy shop' look. It was endearing.
And seeing the way he chewed on his lip made the pain I felt go away, almost like a calming wind took over to push it away.
"Maybe we should go to the car then so you can get your rest," Jungkook muttered softly, tearing his gaze from the door and staring at the ground.
He looked so sad. "C'mon, I'll text Yoongi we headed back-"
I grabbed his wrist and quickly pulled him into the room, the darkness wrapping around us before the door closed, light turning on and holograms showing off the galaxies and constellations and stars that no one was aware of. It was absolutely fascinating.
"Why....?" Jungkook whispered as I let him go, walking over to a small console, the star showcased capturing my attention. It was a bright purple one that reminded me of the North Star only bigger and brighter, the purple glow making it look like a fine piece of diamond jewelry.
I pressed a fake button that light up a rainbow keyboard, allowing me to type in things. The star was....Definitely not pocket money, especially for someone who had as much money as I did, but at seeing that it was the rarest planet they discovered....I needed to have it.
I pulled out my wallet as one hand continued to type the name, but at looking at the name and the star, it didn't seem to fit. It needed something that would fit. Something that wasn't obvious but something that wasn't overly complex; just something as beautiful as the star itself.
And I grinned at thinking of a perfect fit. V, stop it-
"What are you doing?"
I glanced over my shoulder to see Jungkook walking over, trying to peak over my shoulder.
"Buying a star, what does it look like?"
"What are you naming it?"
"It's none of your business," I scoffed, pressing enter. The star began to glow brightly before disappearing. I noticed a sudden flicker and looked towards a board that held a galaxy of its own, the holograms looking so real. And I could barely pick out the star I bought, just shining beautiful amongst the others.
I walked towards the wall with Jungkook following me, my eyes looking over the other stars people bought. I reached up and tapped a soft blue one, and a name and the description or meaning pulled up. One was named after a Greek god, how original, and one was named after what seemed like a pet according to a description.
Al the stars on this wall were exotic or rare planets on the solar system and in our galaxy. I guessed it was a big deal who purchased one of these.
I looked at about 40 out of the hundreds of stars in the wall, in my own little word until I realized how quiet Jungkook was. I looked to my side to seeing him worriedly staring down at the ground, fingernails being bitten in nervousness. I frowned and quickly grabbed his wrist, tugging it away from his mouth which seemed to catch his attention.
"Don't do that, you'll hurt yourself," I said with a frown, making him nod and look at his feet momentarily. I sighed, feeling like I knew what he was so occupied with. Because the same thing had been gnawing at my mind, too. And it was getting irritating trying to just go around it, I was obviously going to have to face it some time soon, might as well get it over with.
So I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes. "I've been thinking about it all day. And I'm trying to forget about it," I started, sighing deeply. "But....it's been harder to do than to think of doing it."
"What do you mean?" The quiet voice piped up and I gave him an annoyed look before exhaling.
"You're dense, aren't you?"
He gave me a sideway grin. "I won't lie, I kind of am."
"Figures." I hummed and looked down at our entwined fingers, wondering when I held his hand. But nonetheless, I grinned, squeezing Jungkook's hand. "I don't want you to think I'm disregarding what happened this morning. Because I didn't. I'm just...surprised I did that," I confessed.
"Kissed me?" Jungkook shrugged before looking down at our fingers, cheeks a light pink. "Don't worry. It...it was a mutual thing."
"It's not what I'm worried about," I murmured. I really didn't want to have this talk, but I already dig myself in deeper. Getting out was possible but not nearly as easy. "I'm worried about what it meant."
"Why? It was just a kiss."
I couldn't help but feel annoyed by the innocent comment. "I don't go around kissing everyone, especially an annoying brat that pesters me,"I growled, making sure to sound calm and unwavering. Jungkook chuckled and nudged me with his hip, making me look at his face.
"Awe, But you enjoy my pestering," he said with that bunny smile.
I sighed in defeat. "it's a shame I can't deny it."
"And you like me."
I gave him an uncertain look. 'Don't tell me something I know...' I coughed gently and rubbed the back of my neck. "That one I can deny."
Jungkook laughed and looked away just as I went to look at him, and I could see the pink in his cheeks turning a red. I felt the warmth start to build up in my hands, and I tried pulling away, but Jungkook tightened his fingers around me, making me look at him with question.
"Don't let go yet," he mumbled softly. "Not yet."
"..." i couldn't help but nod and comply with his request. So instead I just stood there. We both stood there in a soft, comforting silence that made me shudder softly, not use to how normalized this felt with me doing it. Because nothing his normal happened unless something bad followed up right after.
And I didn't want anything to happen or ruin this moment.
Because it was a nice, normal, comforting moment.
Normal.
Yeah...
"Is there a reason you should worry about why you did it?" Jungkook asked, breaking the silence between us.
"...I don't know-" 'yes you do' "-I don't want to open up to anyone more than I did before. I don't...want anything. But I know it'll seem uplifting to share emotions with someone." 'And absolutely terrifying.
"What kind of emotions?"
"Fondness-" What I feel towards you "-Adoration-" What I feel looking at you "-....Being able to like someone."
Jungkook's eyes brightened as he stared at me, and his smile was almost as bright as the stars surrounding them.
I lifted our hands up and pulled it towards me, flipping it so Jungkook's hand was facing me. I stared at it as Jungkook observed me with his eyes, and there was a ringing that blasted through my ears, yelling at me to stop because that grave, that big ditch was soon going to be covered up by mud and dirt. But I just closed my eyes and pressed my lips against his skin.
"I don't know what this is. But it feels right," I murmured against his skin, sighing a breath out as the calmness fully took control.
"I get what you mean," Jungkook whispered.
Those lips were slightly parted again, and I felt like I had been hypnotized for the fifth time that day by Jungkook. I stared shamelessly because I knew he wouldn't catch me. Because he was too busy staring at my lips in return, and there was a harsh tug on my heart to urge me not to do anything. Just leave it so we would eventually pull away from feeling awkward.
But before I could even argue with myself i looked up just as Jungkook did, our eyes looking and his face burning, knowing I had caught him staring at me. Thankfully he didn't know I was staring right back before.
I maintained the eye contact and grinned against his hand. V, knock it off, you're only digging it deeper for us at this point! We can still go back- while staring into his eyes, i pressed an actual kiss to Jungkook's hand, his soft scent engulfing me. I snickeredbat the way his breath hitches and how his body shook gently.
He wanted more. Wanted another kiss just as badly as I did. "Just ask," I muttered.
"I-"
He went silent, biting both lips and tucking them away behind his teeth. I grinned and pulled Jungkook's hand over my shoulder so we were pressed against each other. I made sure our fingers were still entwined, my free hand cupping his face and making him look up at me, my eyes narrowed while staring down into beautiful eyes, loving how close I was. So damn close. To see every damn detail.
"Ask," I whispered again, feeling Jungkook's shaky breath his my face.
"Please," Jungkook forced out in a soft and delicate whisper, and I grinned feeling my heart speed up at the simplistic words my blood boiling from affection, and I didn't know if I'd be able to survive to even go through with what was wanted. But I pulled him closer and leaned in, about to press my lips onto his-
By doing this you're just asking for him to break later on tonight, V. Kiss him for a third time and confirm that what you two are feeling is mutual, just to show him who you really are later. Go ahead and do it, maybe you'll feel like shit after but I highly doubt it.
I froze at hearing the words in my head, eyes narrowed and staring into Jungkook's, seeing how he was waiting for the moment we'd kiss again. For the moment he'd be able to feel the blossoming flower that I felt every time we had done it.
But Taehyung was right. If I did this, I was just asking- even confirming at this point that Jungkook would break, snap and burn later on. Did I really want to do that to someone like him after what we had been through to get to where we were?
Did I want to lie to him anymore than I did? But it wouldn't be a lie. It would definitely seem like one to him when the new was revealed. He'd hate me. Learn to turn whatever he was feeling into nothing but pure rage and hate. And I'd never be able to live with myself. I couldn't go through with both, I had to pick.
My life.
Jungkook and everyone else's life.
I exhaled gently and, instead of his lips, I kissed him on the corner of his lips. Jungkook breathed out against me, one arm pulling me closer as i pulled away, burying my face in his neck.
A mistake.
It was definitely a mistake.
To even kiss him even though it wasn't an actual kiss.
Touching was a mistake.
Jungkook gently started to caress the back of my head, and I just left my eyes open in fear as he embraced me, his scent and warmth giving me comfort like a mother should a child, and out left those butterflies getting bigger, wings flapping faster and harder.
It hurt...my chest hurt.
I wrapped my arms around his waist limply, wanting to squeeze him until the pain left but I didn't. He didn't deserve to have pain transferred onto him.
Everything would work out in the end, even if it meant doing what I was doing would hurt in the now. I needed to stop worrying about how others would be effected, that was Taehyung's job. It was his job to talk me out of these things, to tell me that what I was doing was wrong. He was suppose to help me but not once I these past 6 months, or however long it had been, has he helped me. He hurt someone close to me. He forced everyone against me. He stabbed me in the back.
I couldn't rely on him freely like I didn't when I was younger.
I couldn't and it scared me. Because I didn't know how to deal with this on my own. I needed guidance. And I had no one.
No one other than the boy I would be hurting in the next few hours-
'I don't want to. I don't want to go through with this. We aren't that close but we can be closer. We can connect more to the point where it's not weird when this happens. So that people are use to seeing us like that. So they won't look at us weird. So they'll expect us to be at each other's hips every day of every second we can can. I can't hurt him. I can't hurt this. Us.'
There's no 'us' V. Taehyung's voice rang. Don't let it get to your head. You have to go through with it. You have to do it. What happened to wanting our lives back? Not wanting to be hunted down for our lives every day? What happened to that? You've already agreed to it....if you back out, remember what Jackson said? He'll hurt both Jungkook and Namjoon. He'll hurt everyone.
V squeezed his eyes shut more and began to feel scared. Scared and uncertain of what was going to happen.
'I'll protect them. And we'll find out how to keep them safe. I'll tell yoongi what happened so he knows what's going on. We can infiltrate the party. I'll tell him so he has trust- sees that I can...I can be loyal.'
V-
'Fuck you, Taehyung.'
"Maybe a little," I whispered, to Jungkook, feeling weak as I squeezed my eyes shut, inhaling his scent one more time before telling myself what I was doing had to be done.
I sighed and hugged Jungkook a bit more firmer so it felt mutual rather than one sided, and he nuzzled his face into Jungkook's neck. 'I'll make the rig he choice and tell yoongi. Because losing this isn't worth it. Maybe....you actually care. Unlike the rest....you care.'
"Maybe I like you a little."
~~~
Once we all got to the hotel we were staying I left Jungkook in the room since he fell aslee in our drive to the hotel. I decided to tell Yoongi about tonight, how I would be the main speaker, the one they were going for. To tell him everything Jackson told me. To give him all the information I had learned from secretly sneaking into the company over the few days.
I sat on the bed, fingers playing with the fabric until I heard the door open, looking up to see the now mint haired male who came in looked solemn, and his eyes were narrowed as he closed the door behind him.
"Yoongi," I said, standing up quickly. He looked at me and stood still. "Listen, I need to talk to you-"
"Why the fuck did you go to Bighit?"
I blinked. What?
"I-"
"I don't want any fucking excused, V. Why the fuck did you go to Bighit? Why did you ask for them to take you back?!"
I gulped and lowered my eyebrows. "What the fuck, Yoongi. Who...Who told you-"
"Hoseok. Hoseok told me today. He told me that you went there after eavesdropping on Kook and Joon that one night."
The night that Hoseok picked me up outside of Bighit after I jumped from the window...why would he tell Yoongi now of all times? Why would he even tell Yoongi, what was the purpose of that???
"Yoongi, it's not what it seems-"
Yoongi held his hand up, frowning. "shut up. Answer my damn question."
".......Because I wanted to go back," I hissed out truthfully. "I I fucking hated Jungkook. I hated you. I hated Namjoon. I didn't ask for Taehyung to fuck up what I had going for me, but that was-I was mad. At hearing how Namjoon talked about me. I thought that if you guys didn't want me then there was no reason to stay-"
"If you hated us so fucking much then you should've left us rather than make us believe you were on our side! Do you know how many times I fucking yelled at Namjoon because he was so skeptical of you? I was the one that stood up for you when everyone wanted you out. But I guess he was right! We trusted you!"
"It's not like I ratted any of you out-"
"But you were going to if Bighit took your fucking desperate ass back!" Yoongi hollered at me as he ran his hand through his mint hair. One hand settled on his hip while the other rubbed his forehead. His piercing eyes were glued to me, not taking them off of me and he seemed to move each time I did. "Jesus, V... I get you're not happy but can't you see we're trying to fix this? Namjoon was right when he said we should take Jungkook.... And that's what we're going to do. After tonight's party, Namjoon and I are handing him over to people who'll watch over him-"
"Are you not going with him?"
"We fucking can't because we need to make sure you don't fucking follow us! You aren't allowed to go anywhere near Jungkook."
"Yoongi-"
"Under no fucking circumstances. You are not allowed to go near him alone. Fuck!" he kicked the edge of his bed. "And I've trusted you with him so much. So damn much. Tried forcing you two to bond. You could've turned him in, turned us in, at any moment!"
I just stood there, hands balled into fists, rage engulfing me. That's not how it was. I wasn't planning on that. I never planned on turning them in since the night I tried turning Jungkook in at the club. I hated the kid, hated all of them, after that night but I wouldn't sell them out. He didn't know what he was talking about. He was just mad.
Pissed off.
Angered.
Irritated.
"Is there anything else you aren't fucking telling me, V?" I looked up at him. "Because nothing you say at this point will fucking surprise me. You are dishonest. Unloyal. A freak. I hate that two-sided coin shit you told me years ago. You aren't the same person. You may look the same but Taehyung isn't a fucking coward. He's not inhumane. He can fucking feel. Unlike you."
"Yoongi, please just shut the fuck up and listen to me-"
"No, because there's nothing that will leave your fucking mouth that I even want to listen to. You're not with us. You're the bad guy. The asshole in this group that never should've stayed. You should've left. I don't care if you are close with Jungkook-"
"I want to save what I have with him, it's why I wanted to tell you about everything before you came in here and started YELLING at me before you even get the get the full story!" I snapped, throwing my hands into the air. "Won't you be quiet for just one minute and listen to me???"
"Don't. Just don't. I don't want to hear it, V." Yoongi shook his head and stared at me with a look of...it pure hurt. "You're the bad guy in all of this. So don't act like you care."
I felt panic take over me even more than the anxiety of telling Yoongi did. It was terrifying because I knew Yoongi's word was law, no one would question him or tell him no. And everyone would believe him over me.
Everyone but one person.
"Yoongi, please, just ask Jungkook-"
"Jungkook doesn't know what's good for him!" Yoongi hollered at me, taking a step forward. "What, are you trying to brainwash the kid into being with you so you can take him to Bighit and say he did it willingly??? Is that what you've stopped down to?"
"N-no-"
Yoongi steppes forward and shoved me back, making me stumbled. "You think I'm that stupid to even let you anywhere near him after this? Do you?"
"N-no, Yoongi-"
Push. "You think that me asking him will change anything? Everyone can see just how infatuated with you he is. Think that's good for him? Do you? Huh?" Another push. "You enjoy playing these mind games in everyone just because Taehyung does? Because you do?" Shove.
"Yoongi, please-" push
"No. I already told you I don't want to hear it. I want you to get the fuck out of this damn hotel and crawl back to that damn agency shelter of yours with your fucking tail between your legs because you belong on that side. Not here. With us. Who just want to fucking help."
My eyes trembled and my body shook, hands balled into fists as he continued to spew hurtful words at me. I couldn't take it. I felt Taehyung try to overcome me but I shoved him down while trying to push away those hurtful words from Yoongi.
I was breaking.
Shattering.
"You're nothing. You're just the villain in this."
My face contorted into something so...so expressionless.
You want me to be the bad guy?
Fine.....
I'll be the fucking bad guy.
I raised one brow and lowered the other, narrowing my eyes with licking the corners of my lips, watching as Yoongi seethed, his glare almost killing me on the spot. I parted my lips, straightening up. "I'm the special speaker tonight."
Yoongi's hands dropped to his sides right before he was about to shove me again and he stared at me with wide eyes and parted lips. It was dead silent and eerie. Negative emotions filled the room but I didn't care. I didn't fucking care anymore. I was finished. I tried being the decent guy. The nice guy. I made a deal to help Namjoon and Jungkook. I helped. I fucking helped.
But since I was seen as the bad guy, why not play the fucking part?'
Why not be what everyone thought I was?
"You what?!" He hissed.
"I'm the main speaker. I joined back with Bighit days ago. You guys are coming to see me. To see me talk about the shit you're all dying to find out. Not surprising, huh? Good fucking thing you're taking Jungkook away. Fucking good riddance." I took a step forward and gave him a menacing look, him taking a step back. "I want my fucking life back" 'do you really? "-Where I did my job. Both of them. And Joon stayed away-" 'but still what cost? "-And you were by my side with Jimin. Just us three fucking around. If you don't want that, too, then fuck off, Yoongi."
Yoongi took two steps back and gulped, staring up at the taller man. ".....Why the fuck hasn't Taehyung come back?"
"You honestly think he has a fucking choice on when he can just show the fuck up?" I spat out, slamming my hand against the wall near his head. "Who the fuck said he has control? Did you just fucking assume because he was always there?" 'Please...please just fucking stop' "-did anyone personally tell you- oh wait. That fuck face did tell you, huh? He did tell you that he had control. Told everyone I was fucking temporary. News flash, which I thought was fucking obvious....Taehyung is fucking temporary. Fuck. Him. And all of you."
I leaned down, being a few centimeters from his face. I grabbed his face, slightly squishing his cheeks as I snickered. "I'll use and manipulate anyone to get back to my fucking life. Whether it's you-" 'just like you guys think I am.' "-Namjoon. Hoseok.....Jungkook. I'll do whatever I have to do to do my job. Because I'm never going back to being the prey again. Never."
" Y-you're lying." Yoongi whispered, pulling away and shoving me hard "You'll fucking meet us by the entrance a-and you'll walk in there with us. You'll walk in and protect Jungkook just like Taehyung wanted, even though I'm yelling about how I want you nowhere near us. You'll still show up because yo-you're fucking stubborn!" He shoved me back again, eyes watering.
I stared at him and had to do everything in my will to hold back from falling to my knees and admitting...what he was saying was true. What I was wanting to be true. "No. I won't. I'll walk in as V Kim Taehyung. And I'll stay there with Jimin and Jaebum and Jackson. Not with low lives like you cowards."
"Get out," Yoongi growled, shoving me again. "Get the fuck out! We aren't going. I'm not going to put Jungkook through this. That kid has been through enough fucking shit. We aren't going. Fuck you. Fucking get out!"
Without saying anything I turned around and left the room, slamming the door behind me. I stared at the floor, panting. My head hurt. My head ached. My heart ached. My stomach ached. Everything on my ached and I felt like collapsing right then and there, just falling to the floor. Crumbling down into a heap, into a mess.
"V?"
I looked up to see Namjoon leaving his room, closing the door across from me. He took a few steps towards me but I stopped him while holding up a hand. Just leave me alone. I'm not okay. I'm not fucking okay. Why did this bother me? I use to live like this for years. Lived with behaving and saying things like that. Then why did it hurt? What the fuck did he do to me? Why was I okay with becoming soft? Why why why why!
What the fuck did you do to me, Jungkook? What the fuck did you turn me into!
"V, you're shaking. And you're pale. Are you okay?"
"Get....Namjoon, get the fuck away."
Namjoon frowned and became tightlipped, frowning at me. "V what's going on-"
My head. It felt like exploding. I needed to get away. Needed to get far away from Jungkook. But I needed him. My head...fuck. I didn't have my pills, Bogum didn't pack them for me. I needed my medicine. I needed Jungkook. "Is Jungkook in there?"
"Yes? H-he's still sleeping-"
"Let me in," I said quickly, standing straight and walking to him. "Can-can I please see him-"
"V, what's wrong? You look pale-are you okay? V, are you okay???"
"Namjoon, please-"
Before Namjoon could respond the door behind me opened and his voice let out. "V, get the fuck away from that door! Namjoon, don't let him anywhere near Jungkook!"
I growled as Namjoon's face twisted into a scowl, immediately getting defensive. I cursed him and spun around, running down the hallway.
That's what I needed. Needed to get away from Jungkook.
From Yoongi.
From Namjoon.
After I got outside I called Jackson to pick me up. He was there in a matter of seconds and took me the building that held Bighit's other artists and trainees. There, I got dressed for the special occasion. Jimin talked my ear off about how he was worried Bighit wouldn't forgive me and I told him I'd explain everything to him after the party.
I thought the hours would pass by slowly but before I knew it we were inside the nice club, already seated in our VIP section on the first floor near the stage and dance floor. I felt at peace. Part of me felt normal because this....was what I was used to. Clubs. Killing. Secluding myself from the crowd. Hanging out with Jaebum and Jimin. But I was missing Yoongi and Namjoon. That alone reminded me of my reality.
It would never go back to how it was. It would never go back to Yoongi and Jimin being closest to me, to Namjoon being the sweetest to me and Jungkook being my biggest fan and think of me as a stalker. My reality was set in stone the moment I decided to come as one of Bighit's puppets. A puppet on strings that they had full control over once again.
All over again.
After the announcer introduced the first three guests, everyone went back to dancing their lives away. I didn't see Yoongi or the others and part of me sighed in relief. I was glad that Jungkook wouldn't see me up on that stage. Talking like the V he first met.
Heartless. Careless towards feelings. I didn't want to reintroduce that side of me. I didn't want him to remember the monster that I could be. That I was. What was wrong with me....I'll always be a monster. That's what V is. That's who V is. It's who I had always been. I was born as V. I was raised as V. I was introduced at Kim Taehyung. Fuck you, Kim Taehyung. Fuck you for not wanting to be the prey. Fuck you for not letting me live my life.
"V," jimin whispered, nudging me. "Pay attention, will ya? You're about to be called up."
"Your voice is annoying, Jimin-ah," I sighed, rubbing my forehead and earning a playful giggle from him. I grinned, staring at the stage and standing up. I looked at Jaebum who refused to meet eyes with me.
Still scared.
Still uncomfortable.
Of course.
When the announcer called my name the crowd cheered and whistled, reminding me just how important I was in the business. Just how many people looked up to me. Counted on me. Wanted to be me. Not Taehyung, but for me.
I walked onto the stage and grabbed the mic, clearing my throat. When I started my speech, I made sure to look at each side of the room, assuring them I was talking to everyone and not singling anyone out. When the time came to pull Jiyogn to the stage immediate guilt swelled up in me. The god of us. He should be the one everyone looked up to. Should want to be. Why the fuck can't I be like that? Be myself?
You're not normal.
I shoved the gun to Jiyong and saw how he stared at me. No fear. Not scared of me.
Was it visible that I had gone soft?
The way he looked at me...made me angry. Made me fucking mad. Because I was still the same fucking V. I was still the same V that kicked his ass. That broke his nose. That bitched him out and called him out for being part of that fucking group. I was still the fucking same. Why the fuck wasn't he scared of me.
I heard quiet shouts and that only angered me more. Who fucking dared to talk while I was trying to deal with business? I looked up, scanning the room. Scanned everyone. Every booth. Every barstool. Every VIP section. Until I saw it.
The thing I dreaded.
The thing that, as if on cue, made my stomach drop and my throat dry.
All of them were there.
Yoongi and Hoseok in one of the VIP sections, and Namjoon.... and Jungkook right in front of me on the floor. Jungkook's face was in his hands and his shoulders, and I thought it happened. I thought he was crying, broken after seeing what I was just doing to Jiyong. But that changed the moment our eyes met. They were glossy but there was no sign of tears.
No sign of pain.
He was glaring. Glaring at me. His pretty face was full of hate. Not sadness. Just hate. A glare. A sneer. Then the brat had the audacity to turn and bury his face in Namjoon.
My eye twitched. Fuck all of them. Fuck them all. I didn't need them. I didn't care for them. None of them.
Not even the beautiful boy I wanted to run to and hug tight to my chest.
Fuck him.
When the mysterious man entered the dancefloor I couldn't help but feel like I saw him from somewhere. His questions were too specific and he knew where he was going with them. Knew he was prying me open. Prying Jackson open. But Jackson was good with his words. A skill he picked up from managing Namjoon. I felt safe being near Jackson in a moment like that. He was my shield from the things I had to face. Until he broke the news that everyone had been waiting for.
"Before debuting, we check their background. Most are young teenagers so there isn't a lot to say. So then we go on personality. If you're sweet at heart, we make sure to assign you someone heartless and cold so there's no chance of sympathy or emotional connection. If you're ruthless and not caring, we assign you someone who's sympathetic and oblivious. But...sometimes we get cases where officials personally ask managers to look for certain people for artists. We trail them for years before the target is even set as a task."
"You treat that task as if they were made for the artist. But there's only one artist you've applied this to...huh?"
"Yes. But...the best part is that the artist knew this was the target years before they were actually assigned it."
I stood there frozen. What the fuck was he on about? Why did this fucking random stranger know more than I did? How did he know? ANd why the fuck was Jackson so calm with it?! I felt light headed again as the crowd slowly closed in again and the music started playing again.
Fuck all of this.
After the speech I stepped back to the VIP section, gesturing to Jimin. "I need a drink."
"And I need a fuck."
"Then get one," I spat, feeling disgusted at how easily he could get our managers to find a hook up for him.
"Then you get a damn drink, V-ssi," Jimin giggled, standing up and heading back. I sighed and made my way to the bar but on my way there I was stopped by my manager. His eyes were dark but not angry. Happy but not ecstatic.
"We need to talk."
"I don't need to fucking-"
"V, I just want to ask you four questions. That's it. As your manager, I demand these answers. And you sure as hell know I won't tell. If you're the one telling me, you can trust me. You know this."
I frowned and glanced around before groaning in frustration, grabbing his arm and pulling him off to the side away from the crowd. "Hurry up and fucking ask."
"Why did you go back to them?"
"Jackson told me to. Threatened....all of you. I can't have my manager die and if either Namjoon or Jungkook die, the one surviving would kill me."
"So you went back to protect Jungkook and Joon?"
"Yes."
"How are you sure you going back will protect them?" he asked, sounding rushed.
"Jackson guaranteed Namjoon's safety under JPY's name. He can only guarantee Jungkook's safety for half a year."
"Six months...." Hoseok hummed before eyeing me suspiciously. ".......Do you love him?"
"Who?"
"V. You aren't stupid nor dense. Do you love him?"
"....." I looked off to the side and glanced to where their section was, not being able to see into it. Did Iove Jungkook? Did he make me happy? Make my heart beat faster? Make me feel like I was on cloud nine every time I heard his voice? Make me feel like a completely different person? Make me feel like myself? Make me feel like all that mattered was him and seeing him smile whenever I smiled?
Did it hurt to have to force myself to be the bag guy since I knew I'd never be able to have him?
"Yes."
Hoseok nodded and pulled me in for a quick hug, squeezing me. "....I'll see you at work when the new year starts." With that, he pulled away and rushed off. I stared after him and felt lost again.
Would you willingly betray someone you loved?
Even if it meant keeping them safe along with others that were special?
But I didn't care about Namjoon and Yoongi's safety when Jungkook was in the equation. He needed to live. He needed to feel free. To be independent. Live his life. Yoongi and Namjoon have done that. They've done what they needed to. He hasn't.
I slowly made my way to the bar and got a drink from Bambam, who eyed me with a frown. ."Are you okay, V? Do you need a boy-"
"I just want a damn drink," I hissed out, rubbing my temples.
After four drinks, I made my way back to the VIP section. When I entered I scanned the room and frowned. "Where's Jimin?"
"In the room," Jaebum stated as the unfamiliar boy near him giggled in his ear. I nodded and knocked on the door. He didn't answer so I knocked a little louder only to no avail. I frowned and pushed the door open. "Jimin, we need to start heading out-"
My chest grew tight and another lump formed in my throat again. You know when you hear something you were never supposed to hear and you have to go around with that weight on your shoulders until you finally tell someone about it? That same exact feeling was the feeling I felt when I witness a beautiful art piece, my beautiful art piece, under Jimin, shirt loose on him and Jimin's filthy fucking hands in his underwear. Groping him.
My eyes met Jungkook's and I felt anger. Betrayal. All the emotions Jungkook probably felt when he saw me on that stage. I felt it. And it felt terrible. It was overwhelming because I had never felt it before. Never felt it when Namjoon confessed he liked another. Never felt it when Bighit wanted nothing to do with me.
It hurt.
It was suffocating.
"Without thinking twice, I stormed up to the bed and yanked Jungkook out from beneath Jimin and dragged him out of the musty room with him struggling the entire time. Each time he told me to let him go I wanted to kiss him. Kiss him and show him he didn't have to sleep around to forget me. Kiss him to remind him that we both felt it. That what he felt was mutual. That he wasn't alone. That I was suffering from my decision, too.
But I couldn't do that in front of Jaebum and the trainees.
It was only when Jungkook yelled that he was half naked that is topped dragging him. I looked down at his body and blushed. His chest and abdomen were exposed along with his thick milky thighs. Some light pink marks covered his chest and neck, his own red lips plump, sweat coating his forehead. The blue contact he had made him seem god-like, and I could've sworn he was Aphrodite in another form.
When we started yelling at each other, I became conscious of the words I was yelling at him. I wanted to stop. I didn't mean for each word to sound like an insult. Didn't mean for each word to be a knife creating a stab wound.
His eyes became glossy and he trembled. The only emotion he emitted was anger. A mask covered everything else. When Sejin returned with Jungkook's clothes, Jungkook gripped onto him and flipped around, leaving me there.
Just standing.
Watching what I wanted, what I wanted to make mine, walk away and there was nothing I could do other than watch. Watch his hips move as he left my section, watch the door close and leave me in the room with a complaining Jimin, laughing trainees and a coy Jaebum.
Jaebum stood from the couch and nodded to us. "The car's here. It's time to go."
Everyone started exiting the VIP room from the back room, piling out as fast as they could, some having girls hanging on their arms while others just wanted to get back to their room to sleep.
But I continued to stand there, staring at the white door that let in the flashing color of neon lights from the other side. One would think that I'd feel despair and want to go on a purge just to get my mind off the scene of Jungkook beneath Jimin and jungkook walking away looking perfectly okay and unfazed by seeing me.
I wasn't in despair.
I wasn't disappointed.
I was overjoyed. I kept telling myself that the tears sliding down my cheeks were from happiness and not guilt or sorrow. Kept repeating to myself that I was proud as I fell to my knees and gripped a handful of my hair, tugging at it. Told myself that I was proud of Jungkook, that he exceeded my expectations of him. That I was wrong for underestimating him.
And for the first time since my grandmother died, I broke down, and I cried.
My bun kept his promise.
If only I could've kept mine.