I woke up with the unsettling feeling of being watched. It took a moment to remember my unexpected middle of the night visitor, and slowly I opened my eyes to find Jamie staring at me, his face a disquieting mix of tenderness and anxiety.
"What are you doin'?" I whispered, my voice still scratchy from sleep.
"Memorizing yer face."
"Why?"
"In case...in case you decide I fucked up too bad and we're no longer friends."
"Is that what I should do?"
His face crumpled.
"I'd deserve it if you never spoke to me again."
With a sudden punch to the gut, I realized he was handing me the very opportunity I needed to end our friendship. I could tell him right there that I couldn't get pass what had happened and that would be it. Instantly my body went ice cold as every part of me silently screamed in protest. I wasn't ready to end things. If I was honest with myself, I was never going to be ready, but I would be the biggest kind of asshole to make him take the fall for my feelings. When the time came, I'd have to look him in the eyes and tell him the truth.
"What...what would that say about our friendship if one argument destroyed it?" I asked quietly.
He looked away, but I still caught the shame coloring his cheeks.
"But I said some jacked up shit Lei that you didn't deserve. This went beyond a simple argument."
I frowned as his angry words came back to me. "So why did you say those things? The alcohol can only be blamed for so much."
His eyes dimmed for a moment, and he wouldn't look at me when he spoke. "I didn't like seein' ya out there like that, and knowin' what Dave and all those other guys were thinkin'."
"Why would that even bother you?"
He didn't answer right away, instead he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling. Finally, he turned his head to look at me.
"Because...because it's my job to protect you."
"Yer job...since when?"
"Since always. I've always looked out for you. When some punk kid in junior high tried to mess with you, or like that asshole Eric Vanderwhelen in high school; Sophomore year he started some rumor that he took yer virginity in the backseat of his car on homecoming—"
"Wait, what? I barely spoke to the guy much less ever let him touch me."
"I know, that's why I kicked the shit out of him and forced him to take back the lie to everyone he told."
"That's why he had that black eye and would never look me in the face?"
"I told him that if he or anyone else talked shit like that about you again, I'd fuck him up worse, and this time I'd bring the football team with me."
"Y...you did that for me?"
He turned back to look up at the ceiling, but I could see his jaw clench tight.
"I'm not blind Leila, I see the way that guys look at you...the way they've always looked at you. I also knew you weren't comfortable with the attention, so I tried to shield you as much as I could."
I stared at his profile, stunned. "I never knew."
His lips stretched into a wan smile. "Well, that would've been an awkward as fuck conversation now wouldn't it have?"
I laughed a little. "Yeah, probably."
"When I heard you talkin' in Mexico about how you wanted to wait...ya know...wait for the right guy to be with"—James finally looked back at me, sincerity shining bright in his eyes—"I felt like everything I'd done to protect you had been worth it. I never wanted you to regret the big decisions in yer life...not if I could help it."
And just like that, I fell even more in love with him. I hate my life.
~
James was in no hurry to get back to LA, especially once he knew for sure that things between us were OK again. Not that everything was forgotten or forgiven, but I wasn't interested in holding on to the anger any more than I already had. He'd been a jackass but I understood his motives, even if he'd gone overboard. OK, really overboard. While he went to grab his duffle bag of clothes from his car, I sat for a few minutes thinking over what he'd said. How could I have not known all these years how he'd shielded me from people who'd thought to hurt or take advantage of me? Jamie had always been looking out for me even when I was clueless of my own vulnerability. How much of my days had I spent carelessly unaware, while he put himself at risk for me? He had protected my innocence and it was humbling, but I wasn't sure how to process it yet. Of course, it just made my impending decision to walk away from him all the more unbearable. Knowing how faithfully he took his role as my best friend and protector, it was just a reminder of how rooted we were in each other's lives, how much we depended on and supported each other. How were we both going to function without the other?
I was chewing on that nugget when he came bounding back in, a huge smile of relief on his face. He was completely infectious, and almost against my will, I was grinning back at him. I grabbed a shower first and then made breakfast while he got cleaned up. We made plans for the next few days while we ate, and though at first we were tentative and a little unsure of how to treat each other, fairly quickly we were back on even footing again, back in our comfort zone with each other.
The first day we took it easy since we were both tired from too little sleep over the last few days, and went to an early afternoon matinee of a new teen comedy called Fast Times at Ridgemont High. It took place in the San Fernando Valley, and we were cracking up at all the places we recognized and how on target some of the characters in the movie were to people we knew or had gone to high school with. There were a couple sex scenes though, and I had to force myself to keep from looking over at James to see his reaction. It was probably better that I didn't know.
After the movie, I took him for a tour of the campus, which was still relatively quiet since most of the students wouldn't be trickling back in for another few days. He perked up when we walked through the college of music buildings, his eyes widening as he saw all the instruments displayed in the halls and bits of music theory written out on the classroom white boards. We even ran into one of my professors, and even though James was never comfortable engaging with strangers, he quickly fell into conversation when he found out my professor was a huge fan of Sabbath and Motorhead.
In the evening, we went out to eat at my favorite sushi place. It was a small and cozy hole in the wall type of place, but the fish was always crazy fresh and delicious. It was Jamie's first time trying the Japanese delicacy, but once he got over his initial unease of eating uncooked food and had his first bite, he was totally hooked. We ordered a bunch of rolls and sashimi and spent the evening talking and laughing quietly, the dim lighting of the restaurant making it feel like we were cocooned from the world.
When we got back to my place we were both pretty tired, so we took turns washing up, and then, by some unspoken understanding, we crawled into my bed and Jamie pulled me against his side so that my head lay on his shoulder and his arm was snug around my waist. I accepted that he just needed to feel close to me in light of our argument and our pending separation. I didn't care the reason, I just loved being held by him.
Waking up in his arms was becoming my new addiction. I knew I was smiling before I even opened my eyes the next morning, just feeling his body flush with mine, the heat from his hand low on my back, his lips grazing my neck. I stayed still for a few minutes before reluctantly extricating myself. As I sat up, I felt him stretch next to me.
"Hey," came his groggy voice. "Come back and keep me warm."
I don't know how conscious he was of what he was saying, since his eyes were still closed, but desire pooled low in my belly at the seductiveness of his words. Scooting under the covers, I was immediately pulled back into his embrace. He must have dozed right back to sleep, but I stayed awake and reveled in his warmth and touch.
Eventually though I did get up to shower, dress, and start breakfast. The coffee was just getting going when James came out clad only in jeans, his hair sticking out all over. I tried hard not to stare too hard at his half naked body.
"Mornin'." He yawned wide.
"Mornin' to you too." I smiled at his adorableness. "Did you sleep alright?"
"Oh yeah, big time. I haven't slept that hard since Mex..." He left the sentence dangling and quickly changed the subject. "Can I take a shower?"
"Uh yeah, of course. Towels are in the hall closet and you can use whatever stuff is in the bathroom."
"Cool, I'll make it quick."
He went off to shower and I was left to wonder about his Mexico disclosure. Or semi disclosure.
Fifteen minutes later he was wet haired, fully dressed, and sitting at the table in the small eating nook drinking a cup of coffee while I finished making breakfast. I felt that familiar ache in my chest as I recognized how right these small moments felt. Doing something as ordinary as drinking coffee while we chatted, it hit me hard how much I wanted this life with him forever. Taking a deep breath, I plastered a smile on my face and brought over a plate for each of us.
After breakfast, Jamie helped me get more of my unpacking done and add some much needed personality to the apartment by hanging posters and framed pictures on the walls. After tackling the walls, I moved on to putting away the rest of the kitchen stuff I had brought while he undertook setting up the stereo. My head was under the sink inspecting whether the dark spot in the back of the cupboard was just a spot, or in fact, a roach, when I heard AD/DC's If You Want Blood blasting from the living room. Jumping up, I ran into the next room where I found Jamie air guitar-ing with a smug smile stretching across his face.
"Oh yeah!" he yelled over the music. "James Hetfield, king of rhythm guitar and audio engineer to the gods!"
He grabbed my hand and pulled me farther into the room, and we rocked out to the rest of the song, pretending to air band and singing at the top of our lungs. By the time the song was done, we were out of breath from jumping around as we collapsed onto the couch, trying to breathe and laugh at the same time.
"James Hetfield, king of weird is more like it." I grinned sideways at him.
He tried his best to look offended but failed as he smiled back. "Hey now, don't go spreadin' that around. Gotta keep up my rep."
"Rep?" I raised a skeptical eyebrow.
"Yeah, ya know, I'm the 'strong, silent type'. The mystery guy...no one knows what I'm thinkin'."
"That's easy." I smirked. "Um, yer thinkin', 'You can never have too many naps in a day', or, 'I wonder if Leila is gonna finish that taco'."
"That's not true!" But he was choking on laughter. "Ok...it's not always true."
"It's mostly true," I shot back.
"Oh yeah, you think you know me so well, what am I thinkin' now?"
Looking over at him, it was a struggle to keep a straight face as I answered. "Let's see..." I deepened my voice to sound like him. "Hey Leila, now that you mention it, tacos do sound really fuckin' good."
His jaw dropped for a moment, and then he threw back his head and let out a loud bark of laughter. "Holy shit, you do know me that well! That's fuckin' hilarious!"
I was laughing so hard, I had tears coming down my face. "Ok, ok"— I was trying to talk, laugh and breathe—"do me, what am I thinkin' right now?"
He twisted to face me better, but was having a hard time keeping a serious expression as he pretended to read my mind. "Alright..." He started and stopped, taking a breath to calm another laughing attack. "Um...yer thinkin'...um...uh."
"Really?"
"Shut up, I'm concentrating."
"Is this gonna take a while?"
"Quiet Short Stack." He took another breath and then stared deep into my eyes as if that would help his psychic effort. "Um...wow...really...Leila, I'm shocked."
I knew he was messing with me, but I leaned forward anyway. "What, what?"
"Yer thinkin'....damn, I wanna take James out for some awesome fuckin' tacos!"
I was laughing again as I dove for his tickle spot, catching him by surprise as I ran my fingers over his right side just above his waist. Pretty quickly he was crying uncle as I mercilessly attacked him. Suddenly, he grabbed me and forced me on my back, trapping me underneath him as he captured my wrists in one hand, extending them above my head. I was still giggling and it took a moment to recognize the intimacy of our situation as he lay on top of me, my breasts rubbing against his chest, his groin pressed snugly against mine. The amusement on my face died slowly as I stared up at him, and his face mirrored mine as he realized what he'd done. Quickly, he released his hold on my wrists and scrambled off me. With the feel of his body against mine still imprinted firmly in my brain, I forced a smile to my lips as I hauled myself off the couch.
"Actually, tacos do sound good," I called over my shoulder as I headed back to the kitchen, needing a minute alone. "Just let me finish up in here and we can get ready and head out."
"Um...yeah ok, sounds good."
It was quiet for a few minutes as I waited for my pulse to slow, and then the stereo was turned back on as James sorted through my record collection, playing a bit of this and that. Sweet Emotion's well-known bassline was thumping through the apartment when he wandered in to where I was just finishing putting away the last of the mixing bowls and baking pans. I heard him chuckle quietly as he watched me struggle to put dishes on the top shelves of the cabinets.
"Need help?" he asked mockingly.
I didn't say anything as I flipped him the bird without turning around. Chuckling louder, he came up behind me and took the bowls out of my hands, easily depositing them on the shelf. The feel of him brushing up against my backside almost made me groan out loud. Jesus, was this boy trying to kill me? Thankfully, he moved away to put the rest of the stuff away for me.
"So I was thinkin'." He smiled down at me as he closed the cabinet doors. "There's a band playin' at a club in San Francisco tonight that Lars and I have been wantin' to check out. I've heard their bass player is phenomenal."
"Why, you lookin' for a new bass player?" I had said it jokingly, but then Jamie's face suffused with what looked like guilt. "Wait, are you? What...what about Ron?"
He ran a hand through his hair. "He and Dave have been fightin' a lot, and I know he hasn't been happy with the current situation."
"Why dontcha just get rid of Dave?" I mumbled under my breath.
"Don't think we haven't thought of that too."
"Well?"
He hopped up on the countertop and leaned back against the cabinets. "Well, we don't have another guitar player, and right now Dave is doin' a good job...even if he's an A-1 asshole when he drinks." His brow furrowed with uneasiness. "But Ron—this is hard because Ron and I have been friends for a long time—but he just doesn't have the skills. He knows it too. It's just becomin' more and more uncomfortable, and something's gotta change soon."
"Shit, this is crappy Jamie."
"Yeah. You know how much I wish that things could be different. I don't wanna choose between my friend and my music but..."
He looked miserable and I went to him immediately, stepping between his legs and wrapping my arms around his waist. His arms went around me and I felt him lean his cheek against the top of my head.
"I...I hafta choose my music," he murmured unhappily. "I know this is gonna fuck up things between Ron and me."
"Maybe, but Ronnie knows you"—instinctively, I began rubbing his back comfortingly—"he knows how important music is to you, how important it's always been to you...and he also knows how incredibly talented you are Jamie. He wouldn't wanna keep you from yer dreams...even if that means stepping aside. Things might get rough between you two for a little while, but it'll all work out the way it's supposed to."
He took a deep breath that ruffled the top of my head and held me tighter. "Thanks Leila. When you say it, I actually believe it's possible."
We stayed like that for a minute longer and then I stepped back, smiling at him wanly. "Come on, let's get dressed and go see this bass player. He better be fuckin' amazing though."
~
A few hours later, I was eating my words.
After finishing with the kitchen, we'd gotten ready and I'd actually made an effort to look presentable in tight black jeans, a fitted low cut maroon t-shirt, and little make-up on my eyes and lips. Grabbing my leather jacket, I met James out in the living room. His jaw tightened as his eyes skimmed over me for a moment, and I knew he was wondering what kind of trouble I planned on getting into.
I drove us over the bay and into the Mission District, a neighborhood in San Francisco where Dez, the drummer in my band, was born and raised. Following one of his recommendations, James and I had a delicious meal at a popular taqueria and then drove across the city to the North Beach area where the club was located. Trauma, the band we had come to see, had just started as we paid and entered the dimly lit interior, the muted sounds of a guitar solo coming from inside. As we arrived in the main performance space, Jamie and I stopped in our tracks, riveted by the performance in front of us. It turns out that the kick-ass solo we were hearing, was coming from the bass player, the one we had come specifically to see. He was a sight, a throwback to the 1970's in his bell bottom jeans and tight shirt open at the throat to reveal a large funky medallion necklace. His fingers were a blur as he pulled sounds from his bass that I'd never heard done before. Looking over at James, I could see he was impressed, his eyes following the fast paced finger movements, at once, admiring and assessing the performance.
"Leila..."
"I know."
"Ron's my friend and I don't wanna sound like an asshole...but we need someone like that"—he pointed towards the stage—"if the band's ever gonna get anywhere."
"I agree." Looking over at him, my lips stretched into a grin. "Let's get you a bass player. If he doesn't agree to come quietly"—I made a fist—"I might have to rough him up."
James laughed before grabbing my hand and leading us to the nearest bar. I was a little surprised, though not displeased, by the hand holding. He was probably being practical, keeping track of me in the crowd and discouraging any unwanted male attention. Still, it felt really nice.
We grabbed a couple beers and he led us closer to the stage so he could get a better look at the bass player. Almost immediately, some guy sidled up to me.
"Hey, what's up?"
I had to keep from rolling my eyes. "Not much. Just watchin' the band."
I hoped my lack of enthusiasm would be enough of a hint. It wasn't.
"Yeah, these guys are good. Really heavy though." I had to keep from laughing at what he considered heavy. "So, you wanna get outta here, maybe go get a bite to eat?"
Jamie let out a sigh next to me and I knew he was trying to keep his cool.
"Thank you, but no." I stepped back a little bit so he could see James standing next to me. "I'm here with someone."
The guy took a look at Jamie's annoyed face and flushed with embarrassment.
"Shit, sorry. I didn't know." He gave me a strained smile. "Yeah, I'll just leave you two alone."
I almost expected to see a puff of smoke from the trail he left behind.
James was shaking his head. "Jesus, I'm gonna be spendin' the rest of my life prying these idiots off ya aren't I?" Without waiting for a response, he stepped behind me and wrapped both arms around my middle, pulling me against him. "There, maybe this'll help."
I appreciated Jamie's efforts to keep guys from bothering me, but every time he resorted to being my fake boyfriend, it played complete havoc with my body and emotions. He couldn't understand that the feel of him against me, the way he held me like a lover; it sent my emotions soaring, only to have them crash land when eventually he would step away, leaving me feeling so bereft I wanted to cry. I couldn't say anything though without causing a scene, so I relaxed into him and just let the conflicting feelings wash over me.
The band eventually finished their set and we waited for our opportunity to get the bass player alone. I spotted him coming out from backstage about twenty minutes later and nudged James with my elbow. We stalked him to the bar, and when he had gotten his beer and was making his way back, Jamie intercepted him.
"Good show man. You've got some major fuckin' skills."
The bass player nodded his thanks and made to move past him.
James looked at me in a panic, so I jumped in too. "Yeah great show." I pushed the advantage as he stopped to look me up and down, his lips breaking into an appreciative smile. "Do you think we could buy you a drink?"
I indicated James and me, and I could see the wheels in his head turning as he looked between the two of us. He took a cautious step back.
"Yeah, if that's yer thing that's cool, but I ain't into kinky shit like that." The bass player's lip curled in distaste. "Not interested in any threesomes unless it's me and two chicks."
Jamie and I stared at him for a moment before we looked at each other and started laughing.
"No man, that's not what we meant," James assured him quickly. "We...well, me...I'm in a band in L.A. and I just wanna pick yer brain a little. Musician to musician."
I could see the bass player's stance relax, and I almost started laughing again but stifled the impulse; I didn't want to scare the guy away.
"Alright, that's cool, I got a few minutes. I'm Cliff by the way."
He held out his hand and Jamie immediately shook it. "James. This is Leila."
He nodded towards me and I smiled a hello. Cliff gave me an appraising look before turning to James. "I don't blame ya for not wantin' to share."
Jamie's cheeks were suddenly as red as mine. "We...it's not like that. Leila's my best friend. We're not...ya know..."
Cliff didn't look convinced, but shrugging a shoulder, he moved to grab an empty table. We followed his lead and sat down.
The guys quickly fell into conversation about musical influences. I was surprised to hear how much Cliff enjoyed a variety of styles, even classical and blues, and also discovered he had studied music theory at college like I was doing. I could see that Jamie was trying to play it cool, but it was pretty clear to me that he was dying to ask Cliff about joining Metallica.
"So Cliff, how long have you been playin' with these guys?" I finally joined the conversation.
"Not that long, just signed on with them earlier this year."
"How's that workin' out for ya?" I was trying to get a temperature read.
He shrugged his shoulders evasively. "It's alright I guess. We get a lot of gigs in the area, so makin' a little money doin' something I love, that's pretty cool."
"What about the music though? Is this what you imagined you'd be doin'?" James leaned forward in his seat. "Would ya ever think about makin' a change, maybe a different band?"
The bass player looked at Jamie intently for a moment, and I could tell he was putting two and two together. "I dunno. I like playin' with these guys, but lately the music is headin' in a direction I can't really get behind. Too fuckin' commercial, too safe."
Jamie leaned back, a smirk hovering around his lips. "Yeah, well I don't think anyone would ever accuse Metallica of playin' it safe."
Cliff was about to take a sip of his beer but his hand stopped midway and he looked at James with something akin to respect. Or at least interest.
"No shit, Metallica huh? Someone passed me a copy of yer tape recently. You guys are fuckin' nuts." He grinned, a reckless glint in his eyes. "I like that."
James grinned back, his face alight with eagerness. "Whaddya think about maybe joinin'? You'd bring a lot to the band, yer playin' is insane. You'd fit right in with the rest of us crazy fuckers."
Cliff shook his head at James' bold offer. "I might be interested, but I sure as shit ain't movin' to LA. That place is a freak show."
Jamie sat back in his seat crestfallen. Taking a sip of his beer, he looked over at me, his eyes filled with disappointment. My heart ached for him.
"Ya know though," Cliff broke the quiet, "you should talk to management while yer here. This place attracts a lot of metal fans and I think they'd really dig what you guys do. Ask for Brian, he handles bookings. Give him a copy of that tape if you got it."
"Yeah, that's a good idea, thanks." James smiled bleakly before looking over at me. "You good for a minute? I'll be right back."
I smiled and nodded reassuringly as he got up and headed towards the front office. So focused on watching him thread through the crowd, I almost forgot I wasn't alone.
"I've see you perform."
I looked back over at Cliff in surprise. "Really? Do you live in Berkeley?"
"Nope, El Cerrito." He toyed with the label on his beer bottle. "But I check out the clubs in yer area all the time. Beers over there are cheap to bring in the college kids, so..." He smirked as he left the sentence hanging. "Yer real good though, I like the bluesy rock thing you've got goin'. I gotta tell ya, it surprised the fuck outta me to hear the power and attitude of a dude comin' outta someone who looks like you. You killed on stage when I saw ya."
Somehow it felt like a compliment from Cliff was not easily earned, so when you got one, it meant that much more.
"Thanks." I smiled at him, my cheeks flushing pink from the compliment. "I appreciate you sayin' that."
We were quiet for a few moments and I got lost in thought, thinking about the possibility of Jamie and the band playing in the Bay Area. Cliff spoke up suddenly, startling me.
"Shit, I wouldn't normally ask, but what's the deal with you two anyway? You say yer friends, but you guys have some crazy vibe goin'. Just friends? Bullshit."
I was quick to deny. Maybe too quick. "Like James said, we're close, more like family than friends. We've known each other a long time and...I'm not gonna talk about James' personal stuff...but he's had it rough and I'm all he's got."
Cliff sat back and gave a knowing smirk. "He's completely clueless isn't he?"
My surprised stare was all the answer he needed. I didn't even try and pretend I didn't know what he was talking about, it would have been an insult to both of us. Across the club, I could see James coming back and shot Cliff a pleading look.
"Please don't say anything to him."
He gave a slow nod. "Not my place to say anything. If he can't figure this one out on his own, then that's on him." He started to raise his beer to his lips and then paused, giving me a crooked smile. "You seem like a nice girl though, I hope he figures it out...for yer sake."
Smiling gratefully, I watched as he took a long drink from his beer as James sat back down.
"How'd it go?" I asked quickly, hoping Jamie wouldn't notice my flushed cheeks.
"Great actually. I spoke to Brian and he's lookin' to fill a spot next month since some band canceled. I left him one of the demo tapes and our contact info and he'll get back to me next week and let me know if we got the gig."
"That's great Jamie! I have plenty of room, you guys can stay with me."
We smiled at each other and I was only half aware that Cliff had lit a cigarette, shaking his head a little as he observed the two of us from across the table.
The three of us fell back into conversation, and then some of Cliff's friends who'd come to see the show, came over to say hi and ended up joining us. They were all really cool, knowledgeable about music, quirky, and easy to get along with. By the time we were ready to leave, we felt like we'd been friends for years. Phone numbers and contact information were exchanged, with me promising to come to a party one of the guys was throwing in a few weeks, and Cliff agreeing to meet with James and Lars when they were back up in the area next.
As I drove us back to my place, Jamie was sitting next to me looking out the window deep in thought. "Maybe that's not such a crazy idea," he spoke up suddenly.
"What's that?" I asked absentmindedly as I navigated through the Berkeley city streets.
"The band should move to the Bay Area."
It was a good thing it was so late and no cars were coming from the other direction, as James' comment caused me to jerk the wheel into the oncoming lane. Straightening back out, I glanced over but he didn't seem to have noticed my erratic driving.
"Are...are you serious? Could that happen?"
He shrugged. "Why not? You said it yourself that the scene up here would be way better for the band, and I saw that tonight at the show. The people are cool, the clubs are totally supportin' the metal scene, and we'd have a helluva better chance to get Cliff to join. L.A. is a fuckin' joke, all the poser bullshit. I don't wanna hafta keep convincin' the assholes down there that our music runs circles around that other crap. It feels like...like this is where we should be."
I'd pulled over, realizing I was testing fate by driving while distracted by Jamie's conversation. Twisting to face him, I was trying to keep my tone and expression casual. "Wouldn't...wouldn't you miss L.A. though?" I asked quietly. "Yer life is down there."
He shook his head. "There's nothin' tyin' me to L.A. anymore. The only thing I was tied to...lives here now."
He gave me a pointed look and I felt my breath catch at the insinuation.
"Me?"
"Yeah you, ya dork."
I smiled wide and his lips stretched to match mine. Hoping the dark lighting was hiding the pink in my cheeks, I pulled the car back out onto the road.
When he finally left to head back to Southern California the next afternoon, I didn't feel as depressed as in the past, knowing there was a chance now that one day soon he'd come back and stay for good. Of course that brought up a whole heap of problems, not the least of which, was I'd spent months coming to the conclusion that I was going to have to come clean about my feelings and quite possibly take an extended break from our friendship if things did not go well. And I knew it wasn't going to go well, he'd made it more than obvious that that his feelings were never going to be romantic. But then, I couldn't stop the niggling feeling that somehow something had shifted in our relationship. I just didn't know what.