My day gets considerably better after I leave school to be with Brent. This thing with Grace isn't something I can just get over, so it's not perfect, but it gives me hope that the new life I'm stepping into won't be any worse than the one I'm leaving behind. Everybody has to shed their skin sooner or later, and maybe I shouldn't be so scared of shedding mine. Brent finds ways of making me laugh no matter where we go, first when we grab a bite to eat, then at the movie we go see after. I really like him, and I like who I am when we're together, so despite what everyone seems to think I must be doing something right. How can it be wrong when he makes me feel this way?
Like I said, it doesn't solve all my problems, I'll still try to figure out how to get through all this, but for now I'm okay. No matter what it costs me, in the end it'll have been worth it. I wonder how much I'm worth to Brent. He had been kicking my feet playfully under the table the whole time we were at the restaurant, and he held my hand in the theatre, so I have to mean something to him. Maybe I should just take him at his word and believe it when he tells me I'm important. I still have my doubts, it's all so new and I know I would be fucked if he disappeared tomorrow, but I have to trust him.
It's way too soon when he has to go, but we both know he needs to hurry back to get ready for the game with the rest of his team. I've got some time to kill, so I decide to head home and clean up before I take my rightful place in the stands to support him. At first I was a little worried about being a distraction today, but when we part ways he seems a great deal happier than when we left school together. That makes me happy too, I'm glad to learn just how much he likes hanging out with me. It's almost enough to convince me that my day can get back to being somewhat decent, but as soon as I get to my house I'm reminded of just how unlucky I actually am.
There's an extra car sitting in the driveway, and even if I didn't already know who it belonged to I'm treated to a familiar and unwelcome sound when I open the door. The deep yet shrill chime of Ms. Montgomery's voice comes from somewhere inside, and for a brief second I consider turning around and walking right back out. Instead I take a deep breath and venture into the living room where we spot each other immediately. She stands up and straightens her skirt, offering a smile in response to the blank stare I give her. Things hadn't gone over so well the last time she was here.
"Hi, Jonah. Are you just getting back from school?" She asks, glancing at her watch to see what time it is. It's a loaded question, I'm not sure if she's trying to catch me in a lie, or if she's just being her usual nosy self.
"It's been a long day." Fortunately I'm a quick thinker and I'm able to give a reply that won't incriminate me either way. I wonder if maybe one of my teachers had mentioned my absence to her, it would explain why she's here. Either that or she's getting ready to go on another date with my dad, and honestly I'm not sure which I'd prefer.
"Is that him?" Dad calls from somewhere around the corner, and when he comes into view, drying his hands on a dish towel, he makes sure to stand a little taller. "Good, you're home, I was expecting you half an hour ago. Hurry and wash up, I need you to set the table."
"Wait, what's going on?" This isn't going to end well, I already know it.
"I invited Lilah to have dinner with us." He's so certain in the way he says it, as if he's not the least bit concerned about what I might think. The sympathetic smile Ms. Montgomery offers implies that she does, but I hardly grace her with a look before I focus back on my dad.
"I can't. I mean, I already made plans." I try to be cool about it, I try to make it sound like this has nothing to do with my personal feelings.
"Well cancel them, this is more important." There's no leniency, his mind is already made up and he's unwilling to compromise. That's fine, I knew it would turn into a fight, what's one more when that's all we've been doing lately anyway? Yet I've apparently earned myself an ally, even though I don't remember extending an olive branch.
"Let him go out, Jason, we can have dinner together some other time. It's Friday night, I remember what it was like to be seventeen, I'm sure you do too." Ms. Montgomery intervenes on my behalf, turning sentimental as she recalls a time that was probably over a century ago. Part of me wonders if she's just trying to keep herself out of the middle of another awkward exchange, but for some reason I get the sense it's more selfless than that.
"Where are you going?" My dad sighs, conceding. I'm surprised by how quickly he gives up, and when I look at Ms. Montgomery again it's more than just a fleeting glance.
"The football team's having their last game of the season." I give him honesty.
"Since when do you like football?" He wonders. Makes sense, he's never bothered getting to know me, but he obviously keeps score of how vastly different we are. How am I supposed to explain it? I can't tell him it's about Brent, he'll never understand what he means to me.
"Jonah's been tutoring one of the boys from the football team, remember? We owe him one for making sure we have a chance at winning the state conference tonight." Ms. Montgomery comes to my aid yet again, but I'm not entirely grateful. I don't want to be indebted to her, I'm just getting used to the new world order, I can't stand to mess it up now by accepting that she's a halfway decent person. She gives me another smile, "you've got a lot to be proud of."
"Yeah." Damn right I do, she has no idea. Suddenly it seems like I have the upper hand so I look at my dad and take a chance. "Please?"
"You going for that kid? Brent?" So close, but he's not like her and he definitely knows what's up. He shakes his head, disappointed, and doubles down harder than before. "I don't think it's a good idea, Jonah, every time you go around him you wind up doing something stupid. They'll probably have a party after the game and I don't want to get another call in the middle of the night to come pick you up at the police station. Or worse."
"That's not fair, the whole school's going to be there. I'm president of the yearbook committee, dad, I can't miss it." Logic seems like the best excuse.
"No, you're the one who's not being fair. I think I've been more than patient with you, but at some point I have to put my foot down for your own good. You can hate me for it all you want, but that's the way it's going to be. I'm sorry, but you haven't given me any reason to trust you when it comes to something like this, I don't want you going. Now, you can wash up and join us for dinner, or you can go to your room—your choice." His decision is made and he has no more use for me, so he starts to head back to the kitchen.
"Why are you such an asshole all the time?" It slips out, but I think I probably would've said it anyway even if I did still have a filter. Ms. Montgomery exclaims quietly, disapproving, but she doesn't have time to butt in as he turns back around to see me.
"What did you say to me?" The usual anger appears in my dad's voice, and he pauses for a second like he actually thinks I'll repeat it. I want to so bad, but even though I hate to admit it he scares me. When I go quiet he throws his hands up and continues. "See? This is exactly what I'm talking about, this kind of behavior didn't start until he came around. I'm not putting up with it anymore, do you hear me? I'm done, you're not to have any more contact with him whatsoever. I don't know what he's been saying to make you act like this, but it stops right now."
"No." There's no way I can make it clearer than that. He and Grace sound so much alike, I just wish they'd leave me alone about it. They should know by now it won't matter what they say, I won't let Brent go. "What are you going to do, follow me around at school? You can't stop me."
"I'll put bars on every one of these goddamn windows if I have to, but you're going to listen. Give me your phone, you're grounded." He comes towards me, doing his very best to be intimidating, but we've done this so many times now I know how to get through it.
"Do what you want, I'm out of here." I hadn't made it that far into the house to start with, so I'm able to escape pretty quick as I zip back to the door and head out. My dad yells my name from inside, but I hurry down the sidewalk before he can catch me. Not that it stops him, I'm confident our neighbors on the street over can hear him when he screams at me from the porch. It's still not enough, and I keep going until I can't hear him anymore. He'll be pissed for a while, but he'll start to calm down after he bitches to Ms. Montgomery about it.
I'm angry too. Not so much about the fight, it kind of starts to lose its effect after a while, but I'm surprisingly upset over Brent. I don't like my dad pretending that he's some horrible person, and I don't like him thinking he can keep me away from him. It's my life, I'm the one who gets to make those decisions, and I choose to be with him. I'll be no good to anyone right now, and I've already burdened Brent with enough of my problems, I know I need to get a handle on my emotions before I see him. Fortunately for me, there's still a little bit of time to kill before the game.
Even though it's the last voice I want in my head, I can't help myself from thinking about what Ms. Montgomery had said when she told me I wasn't this person—the one who went around being angry all the time. I guess she sort of has a point, it takes a lot of energy I don't have, but no more than it's taken to be my dad's puppet for my whole life. Or to tell the same lie I've been telling for seventeen years. Maybe I'm tired of telling it, and of being his puppet. I'm tired of being angry too, but of all three this seems like the lesser of the evils so there's not really much of a choice.
I go for a long walk while I think way too much about it, and after I stop to play on my phone for a while it's finally time for the state conference. Everything's so different and it's strange to be back at school at this hour, but I soak it in anyway knowing it'll be my first and last time to experience this. That makes me feel a little better, and when I offer up my ticket and find my seat in the stands, I discover that the entire school has beaten me here. There's a definite sense of community among my peers, and listening to them cheer and chant makes me feel better too. I spent the last three years hiding behind my camera, which makes actually being a part of anything feel weird.
But I like it.
This is almost as much for me as it is for Brent, and I realize that's all that matters. I put my dad and all his nagging in the farthest recesses of my mind, next to Grace, and focus on being a teenager. The cheering gets even louder when the football team finally comes out on the field, and even from my lofty perch I can immediately pick out Brent. Mostly it's because of his ass, I've spent enough time staring at it that I'd know it anywhere. He's next to Marcus, whose ass is far less appealing, and they join those of us in the stands who boo when the rival team appears.
Not that I have any clue about what's going on, but it seems like the game is off to a good start when the kid sitting next to me gets excited. That's sort of how I judge what's happening, I just take my cues from everyone else. I hiss when they hiss, I clap when they clap, but mostly I'm trying to pay attention to Brent. I can't take my eyes off of him. It's nothing new, I already know how passionate he is about football, but it's different to see him in action. No matter how well I've come to know him now, it's like I'm seeing a completely different person down there on the field; driven, calm, of a singular mind with his teammates.
They stay pretty even with our rivals for most of the game, and we all hold a collective breath while we wait to see how it'll end. Brent must be so nervous, I want this so badly for him, and when he glances up to the crowd I can only hope he's looking for me. By the end of the last quarter I'm on the edge of my seat, biting my nails as they make a play that'll determine the winner. I'm still not completely sure of what's happening, but when the referee blows the whistle I think we've won. I think.
There's a moment of delay while everyone processes it, then the whole school is on their feet, screaming victory at the top of their lungs. I'm with them, it makes me happier than I would've ever thought a game of football could. I can't see Brent's face from here, but I know just as well what it must look like right now. The guys celebrate down of the field, and my moment of pride is cut short when I see Madison running out with the rest of the cheerleaders. She leaps into Brent's arms and kisses him, marking her territory so that everyone knows he belongs to her. He plays the part, of course, but then he looks up at the stands again.
I get up on my seat to make myself more visible, and this time I'm pretty sure he sees me. He holds out his helmet, pointing, and even though I can't be down there with him it helps ease the burn. He's marking his territory too. Pretty soon he's sucked back into the celebration though, and he heads into to the locker room with his team. Madison and her squad disappear, just like the rest of the school as the bleachers start to thin out rapidly. Pretty soon I'm the only one left, and I sit quietly as I wait, hoping for just one last glimpse of the quarterback.
It feels almost providential when he reemerges, and I stand as he jogs up the stairs to get to where I am. I try to congratulate him, but he practically crashes into me before putting his arm around my waist and kissing me.
"Are you going to say I taste like sweat again?" Brent teases when he tries to pull away, but I bring him back to me and kiss him again. He obviously likes that more than he likes picking on me, because he turns dead serious as he grabs my face in both hands. He's more forceful now, filled with more fire, and when he finally frees me he laughs and rests his forehead against mine. "Yeah, I know, I'm still the best. Did you see me down there? I was like a fucking animal."
"You were okay." I joke, pushing him back before wiping my sweaty palms on my pants and clearing my throat. It means a lot that he came back to check if I'd waited, but I don't want to ruin any of this for him. "You should probably go before I make you hang out with me all night, I bet Marcus has something planned for you guys."
"Actually, I was going to talk to you about that earlier, but I never got to give you my note." He runs a hand through his hair, taking a step forward to be closer to me. "My dad's out of town again, he won't be back until Monday, I was kind of hoping you might want to come over. It's cool if you don't, I just thought we could spend the weekend together if you want."
The suggestion floors me, and I can't find my voice as I consider the offer. This isn't us stealing a kiss under the bleachers or sneaking out to see each other. This is something completely different, I hadn't realized how serious he was getting about us. It's not unwelcome, it helps me see just what I mean to him, but I'm afraid. All these years and he hasn't been able to scare me, but I guess it's just another first. I don't mind it so much this time, and I can already tell he knows what my answer will be by the way he bites his lip. He must know me as well as I know him, because I take his hand and I go with him.