Bennett
Days passed. Then weeks. Everything fell into an easy routine. What happened between Pat and me was all but forgotten, since neither of us mentioned it again.
But I didn't forget. Not when I could hear his mattress squeaking through the wall as he pounded into his lasted conquest. I laid curled up on my bed, clutching a pillow to my chest as I listened. I couldn't stop listening, no matter how much I wanted to.
This happens each weekend. Pat would go out on Friday and Saturday nights to find a guy to bring back. Of course I didn't mind, but the more times I wake up to his sounds coming through the wall, the more I kept thinking back to the one night it was me with him. I almost wanted to do it again.
I sighed and turned on my lamp. I knew I wasn't going to be able to get any sleep tonight, so I might as well read a little. I had recently started this epic fantasy novel that was really hard to put down. Hopefully it would help me take my mind off what was happening in the next room.
I don't know how long I was reading for, but a soft knock on my door pulled me out of the fantasy world. I looked up. "Yeah?" Who would be knocking at this time of night?
Pat opened the door. "Hey, I noticed your light was on. What are you still doing up?" He was wearing loose-fitting sweatpants and no shirt, and his his hair was wet, like he had just gotten out of the shower. Did he realize how much that look affects me?
I shrugged and lifted up my book. "Couldn't sleep, so I'm reading. Your friend gone?"
He nodded and stepped further into my room. "Are you sure my whole thing doesn't bother you? You seem a little bothered."
I placed my bookmark between my pages and set my book down next to me. "Of course not. I'm just..." I sighed. "I'm so tired but I couldn't sleep. That's all it is." It wasn't a complete lie. But how could I tell him the truth when we weren't talking about it? I didn't even know what I would tell him even if we were.
"So what book are you reading?"
I smiled before launching into a whole explanation. Recently, there hasn't been too much we talked about, but this book was something I could talk about for hours, to anyone.
Pat actually seemed really interested in the book, too. He asked so many questions, I actually stopped answering them. I made him promise to read the book as soon as I finished, that way we could have a real conversation about it. I was so excited.
But then, as soon as we stopped talking about the book, there was nothing left to talk about. We just sat on my bed in silence. The clock said it was close to two thirty in the morning, but I no longer felt tired. Pat didn't seem too tired either.
My eyes drifted over to my small bookshelf in the corner. I had my envelope of money tucked away there, waiting for the day I could have my surgery. The money from Tommy was amazing, and then Mom offered to help pay for it too. I didn't exactly want to take any money from her, but I eventually relented. If that was how she was showing her support for me, then I would accept it. At this point, I probably had enough to pay for it all, but I was so afraid to schedule it.
"What are you thinking about?" Pat asked, breaking the silence.
I shrugged. I hadn't really talked to him about all of that before. I didn't know if he'd want to know the details. "Can I have a hug?"
I didn't mean to ask that, but when he chuckled and opened his arms, I was glad I did. I leaned into his hold. The warmth radiating off his skin was comforting.
"Are you okay?" he asked after a couple minutes.
I nodded, but didn't try to get out of the hug just yet. "There's just a lot on my mind."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
I pulled away from him to look at his face. "Only if you're willing to hear a lot of details you might not want to know."
He gave me a small smile. "You're my friend, Bennett. If you need to talk about anything, I'll be here to listen."
I smiled. I loved how he never called me Ben or Benny like other people do. Bennett was the name I chose for myself. Not that I didn't like my nicknames, but it just wasn't the same. Pat never shortened it, and it made me realize just how many people do.
I started telling Pat about the different kinds of bottom surgeries. I have done so much research on the subject that I was able to pretty much answer every question Pat had on the topic. Except, of course, when he asked me why I was so nervous.
"I don't know," I answered honestly. "I guess it's the whole concept of surgery. I wish I didn't have to get a whole operation, but I want this more than anything in the world, you know?"
"Haven't you had surgery before?"
"Yeah, but that was simple, compared to this." I sighed. "I don't know if it'll even be worth it. What if something goes wrong?"
Pat grabbed both my hands in his. "Nothing's going to go wrong. I'm sure they've done the surgery so many times, there's nothing they can mess up, okay? Besides, if you're really this scared about it, how badly do you need to have it? I think you make a pretty great guy already. Who cares if you don't have a dick? I certainly didn't care when I had sex with you, and I thought I'd never get that close to girl parts in my entire life. Well, except for the day I was born and I came out of my mom, but that doesn't count."
I stared at him. So much for not talking about it. "You really didn't care?"
"No, of course not. I like you, Bennett, so it doesn't matter what you have down there. I'm sure any guy would feel the same way."
"You said 'like', as in present tense? Do you still like me, Pat?"
He took his hands off mine and looked at the time. "You know, it's getting really late. Don't you have work in the morning?"
He started getting up, but I stopped him. "Patrick. Tell me the truth."
Pat didn't say anything for a moment, staring down at the floor. Finally, he spoke, but he still didn't look at me. "Okay, yes. I do. Probably more than I should."
Without another word, he left my room, and I was left unable to fall asleep, with even more thoughts on my mind. Not even my book was able to take my mind off it all.
A/N: Hey guys! I'm doing my best to keep everything with Bennett accurate. If there's anything I'm getting wrong with his transition process, please let me know! I've been trying to do my research, but research can only go so far. I'd rather be corrected than portray anything wrong.