REGRET CONSUMES ME the moment consciousness nudges my slumbering mind. Cotton bed sheets slide from my naked body and towards the source of heat lying next to me.
Nonono!
It was a dream. Yesterday was a mere dream brought upon by my reckless drinking. Nausea curls in my stomach, and it has to be from the hangover.
There's no way I had sex with Lucas yesterday.
Fear crawls over my bones and paralyzes them. I am trapped in the shell of my body, but my mind runs rampant with prayers.
Please. Please. Please.
A deep groan rumbles in my ear. Lucas' groan. He lays a heavy arm around my waist and tugs me closer to him, to his naked body.
My eyes spring open. The slumbering face of my best friend lies right next to me. Bed head lays over his eyes and gentle breaths slip through his parted pink lips. I distinctively remember latching onto those lips multiple times last night.
Nonono. A sinking feeling burrows deep into my stomach and bile rises in the back of my throat.
I slept with Lucas.
"Hey," I hiss and shift as far away from him as I possibly can without falling out of bed. I yank his sheets over my breasts and sit up. Twisting my head left and right gives me bits and pieces of evidence of what happened between us last night.
Empty solo cups are tipped over on his nightstand; the alcohol that had tainted my system. My school clothes are discarded in the corner of the room, and then, two sets of his clothes rest in a pile next to the bed.
I can't believe we did this.
"Lucas!" I hiss and push his shoulder.
He groans again and gives me a groggy scowl. "Wha?"
"Wake up," I urge through gritted teeth and push him again with sweaty, panicky hands.
He begins to stretch, defined muscles flexing with the effort. Warmth flips through my stomach and I avert my eyes as if I've never seen his athletic build before.
"Fuck," Lucas whispers. Green eyes pierce mine as he comes to the realization I had just a few seconds prior. He sits up and drives his fingers through his bed head before hunching over and staring down with wide eyes. "We did not."
"We did!" Tears spring to my eyes as we confirm the reality of it. "That was a huge mistake."
Lucas' eyes narrow for a brief moment before he nods. "Y-yeah. We were probably still half-drunk. And you're technically a minor so-"
"Luc, the fact that I'm seventeen and you're nineteen is the least of our worries at the moment."
Pink hues stain his cheeks and he scratches the stubble along his jaw. "Of course, I mean-"
"We're best friends," I say incredulously. "Best friends don't sleep together. I just broke up with Mason. Amber just broke your heart again. Clearly, we got drunk and made a bad decision because of our heartbreak." My breathing harshens and I lick my dry lips.
"Clearly," he mutters. He begins twisting locks of hair around his fingers and scrapes his teeth over his bottom lip.
This is weird.
Every muscle in my body becomes queasy with discomfort. My bones are rigid, ready to jump out of his bed and flee from this horrid mistake. "I should go." My voice cracks and I clear my throat. Showing my back to him, I wrap the sheets tightly around me.
"Yeah. Okay." His voice is gentle and, lord forbid, disappointed? Which is wrong. He shouldn't be disappointed. He should feel as terrible as I do.
"Can you look away, please?" My words shrink as if I just woke up in the bed of a complete stranger. I feel like a complete stranger in this body of mine.
"Yeah."
I glance over my shoulder to see his back facing me. Tiny clusters of freckles stretch across his skin. Swallowing the lump in my throat, I ease out of bed and snatch up my discarded clothes.
I can't believe we did this.
What was I thinking?
"Uh..." Lucas' deep voice is laced in hesitation, a sorrowful tone that claws into my heart. "Are things going to be weird between us now?"
"I-I don't know." I shove my clothes on. Blood pumps at light speed in my veins and I grow lightheaded and blind in my rush to escape. "We shouldn't have done this. We're best friends and-"
"So you didn't like it?" He turns around just as I roll my shirt down. Pain swirls within his eyes, mimicking the disappointment lathering his voice.
I fold my arms as chills nip at my skin. "I-I don't know. It was all so..." Unexpected? Reckless? Wrong? I lower my gaze and pretend to study the worn tips of my boots, reaching for anything to distract me from my naked best friend. "I shouldn't have."
"So you did?"
"I don't know. It shouldn't matter, right? It can't be like this between us. We can't ruin our friendship because we're lonely."
He nods, but something about the way he sucks in his lips and turns his head away makes me think he doesn't understand. "Okay. We can just pretend this never happened."
"That'd be for the best," I agree. "We won't be weird. We simply made a mistake and we're putting it behind us."
Lucas nods silently, still not looking at me.
I slink out the door and hesitate a step before leaving him alone. I turn back slightly and lower my voice into a tone as fragile as my heart. "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done that... I was so lonely and upset about Mason. I don't know why I actually thought sleeping with you would make me feel better."
Lucas doesn't respond.
Guilt sends a spear straight into my heart, ripping me so wide I could break down in tears from the agony.
What have I done? I've ruined everything.
"I'm sorry," I choke out again. "I'm a really terrible friend for this." I can't escape his room fast enough. As I rush down the hall and for the stairs, I imagine the faintest call of my name reaching after me.
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Walking home is torturous. Sharp gusts of air bite my skin and steal warmth from my shivering body. Even though I only live a few streets away from Lucas, it takes an eternity to reach my side of the neighborhood. I wrap Mason's jacket around me and tremble to my core.
When I arrive home, a fleck of beige and burgundy in a evergreen yard, the obsidian shine of Mason's old Charger glistens behind my dad's Priest.
The weight of despair sinks my already fragile bones into the earth. For a split second, I contemplate running back to Lucas'.
I can't see him now. Not after I just...
"Nonono," I plead and race up the driveway. "Why now? Why did he have to come now?" At the door, I fish out my key and shove it in the lock. Swinging it open, I burst inside to find my parents resting in the living area, attention stolen by their favorite flick.
Their heads rise in unison, unfazed my absence or sudden appearance. My mother's gentle eyes light up and she snickers at the nest atop my head. "Pepper, honey, Mason is here. He showed up a couple of hours ago. We told him you were probably hanging out with Lucas. He's up in your room waiting around."
Dad examines my disheveled appearance with a little more concern and I quickly comb my fingers through my hair. "Th-thank you," I stammer before scurrying past them and up the stairs to my room.
There he is...capturing the air from my lungs with his mere existence.
Mason sits on my bed, contrasting against the rose gold sheets in his black and grey hoodie and jeans. He's scrolling through his phone, oblivious to my arrival. My heart leaps into my throat and my legs nearly give.
I love him as much as I did before, despite everything that's occurred over the past twenty-four hours.
He looks up. Raven hair grazes over his eyes like shadows over the night sky. He brushes it back and I watch in longing as his reddish lips form into a broken smile. "Hey," he whispers.
"Hey..." One step inside. One step closer to my dream and nightmare.
"Your parents let me in. They didn't seem to know that we broke up."
"Yeah. I haven't exactly had the time to tell them." I shut my door behind me. Breathing becomes an irrelevant task as he follows every movement I make with precision. I become the prey in my own territory, weak against his very existence.
How pathetic would it be to collapse into his arms and cry? To beg him for answers and to take me back and love me again?
"They said you were probably with Lucas," he treads carefully while eyeing my outfit. "I guess you slept over? I got your drunk texts..."
Embarrassment and guilt intertwine and cloak my body. What had I said? Did I give myself away? Can he tell what happened between Lucas and I?
If I inch any closer, could he see the evidence stained on my skin? Lucas' body touching mine? Our lips trapped beneath each other as we tried to forget someone we loved? How much would Mason hate me if he knew?
I apologize and lower my head, letting curls shroud the proof of my mistake written across my face. "I was...really broken yesterday. I know drinking isn't the answer, but...it made me feel better momentarily."
"I understand." He rises and commands the remaining space between us. "Yesterday was really shitty." He drags pale fingers through his hair and groans. "The way I handled everything was so messed up. I was so angry and just took it out on you guys. I shouldn't have."
All at once and too fast for me to contain, relief breathes through my lungs and the distance between us no longer exists. I grab his hands and look up at his towering figure while trying to hold back tears.
"S-so we're not breaking up? I knew something was wrong. You-you were so weird yesterday."
Mason places the softest palm against the side of my face. The very touch speaks to the sudden pain that ignites in his eyes. "I'm sorry. We can't get back together."
I crumble.
"I just came to warn you about something."
"W-warn me?" I smack his hand away and stumble back. I cradle myself, suddenly feeling sick and violated for having hope once again only to be mocked with such cruel outcomes.
Mason seems hurt by my rejection, but he's persistent and caresses my face between both of his hands this time.
I don't have the energy to push him away again.
"Pepper." My name is breathless on his tongue. He leans down to place his forehead against mine and steals the oxygen from my lungs as he exhales warm breaths over my trembling lips. "Things are going to look really bad. I just need you to understand that none of it is real."
"What?" I croak.
"I love you. Please, understand that."
"M-Mason, you make no sense," I cry and squeeze my eyes shut. "You're confusing me so much. O-one second you say all these harsh things and break up with me. Then you tell me you-you love me and I just don't get it. It's not fair. Stop messing with my head." I grab his wrists, anchoring myself to the unstable plane.
"I know. I know none of this makes sense. I wish it did. I wish I knew the right way to tell you this."
Gentle lips dust over my lashes.
I blink in surprise and look up to see his eyes red as if trying to withhold his own tears. He uses one hand to brush my hair back and the other to tilt my chin up. I am at his will as he expresses his love in silence and kisses.
Those lips, the ones that have loved me in so many ways, brush along my cheek and the corner of my mouth.
"M-Mason," I stammer. My hands fall to my sides and I glance away.
I have to tell him about Lucas. After what just happened between us, it wouldn't feel right to give in to Mason's touch. I want to kiss him and hold him and embrace him beneath my bedsheets until we're both slick with sweat and lust.
But nausea has nestled in my stomach since I woke up in Lucas' arms.
"I just need time to figure things out," he murmurs.
Those dangerous lips of his graze the curve of my jawline and the sensitive arch of my neck. I shiver. My nails dig into my palms as I resist the urge to give in to him.
How easy would it be to tangle between each other until all the pain of yesterday is forgotten?
"What the hell?"
Crack.
Our fantasy falls apart in jagged shards.
"Who gave you this?"
Crack.
Anger burns in Mason's voice and his gentle touch becomes harsh as he turns my head to expose my throat.
"I didn't do this."
Shame burns my soul as he drags his fingers down my neck. Did Lucas leave a mark? It's all a blur of images I desperately want to forget.
"Did you sleep with him?"
"I-I'm so sorry!" I grab his hands as he attempts to pull away. "I didn't mean to. I was just drunk and so lonely without you. Then I got all these dumb ideas in my head and the next thing I know it just happens."
Mason's brows crowd across his forehead. His voice rises and he snatches his hands away. "We break up for one day." He holds a finger up. "One. Not even a full twenty-four hours, and you sleep with him?"
"It was a mistake. I-I wasn't thinking and I just felt so sad without you and-"
"The one guy you told me I didn't have to worry about. I trusted you. I believed you when you said you were just friends."
"We are!"
"Yet we break up and you sleep with him a few hours later?" Disgust rips into his voice and eyes as he looks at me as if he doesn't know me. And how would he? I don't know what possessed me to give into Lucas last night.
"I know this looks bad." I reach out for him, but he shifts back as if my touch will kill him. "We were both drunk and just thinking about how hurt we were. It never would have happened if I had been sober."
"Being drunk doesn't give you an excuse to replace me with the one guy you said was just a friend."
"That was a mistake!"
"So was coming here," he snaps.
I flinch and bow my head. "You broke up with me, Mason. You can't just control how I deal with that. You can't hurt me and then get angry at how I cope with it. Y-you break up with me and then come over my house and tell me you love me and start kissing me. What am I? A game to you?"
"Of course not." His voice softens and his gaze roams over his jacket still draped over me.
"Then why did you end things so suddenly? Weren't you happy with me?" My insides twist at how pathetic I sound. It seems we're only taking turns in hurting each other.
"Of course, I was happy." He looks at me as if I were insane. "I do love you. So much. I honestly thought we had something that could last."
"But we don't, right?" I whisper, lungs deflating and heart falling into the pits of despair.
He rubs his brow. "Wait-"
"I think I understand now, Mason. It was fine while it lasted, but you don't see yourself taking me seriously in a relationship. I get it."
"That's not what I meant, Pepper," he sighs.
"I think you should go...please." My voice is raspy. I hide my tear-streaked face with trembling hands and shift over to the side for him to leave.
"Pepper-"
"Mason, just go. Please, leave me alone."
This is all just too much.
There's a long drawn out silence. The roar of my beating heart bleeds into my ears. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to be hurt anymore. I slept with my best friend - potentially destroying our friendship - to help get over the pain that my ex continuously lays upon me.
Now, I hate him. I don't want to see him or hear him anymore. It just hurts too much.
"You say we're done, but then you keep confusing me by showing up like you care about me. You act like we still have a chance or something. When I ask you why you broke up with me, you don't even give me a straight answer. So, unless you have something different to say, I think you should go and just stay away from me."
He doesn't reply. He doesn't even try to.
Mason walks past me and opens my bedroom door. As he's leaving, he whispers, "Goodbye, Pepper."
And I know he means it. It shouldn't hurt as much as it does. It shouldn't burn and rip me apart like it is. I realize that this time, he really isn't coming back.
Please don't forget to VOTE and COMMENT if you enjoy this story. The support would mean a lot and will help this story grow!
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Thoughts on:
Pepper's reaction to her and Lucas sleeping together versus his reaction?
Mason showing up at her place? Why does he keep showing up??
-bri✨