John allowed me to stay. He got so fed up with the conversation that he just told us not to say anything about Richie being gay. Then he walked away and left us alone. I spent the next ten minutes listening to Sal apologize for what an asshole John was.
"You ready?" Sal asked when he noticed the line by the casket thinning out.
We walked over, hand in hand, and waited for the last people to walk away. When it was our turn, I couldn't look. I closed my eyes and squeezed Sal's hand tightly.
"You can look, Noah. It's okay. He looks fine." Sal said as his voice cracked while he tried to hold himself together.
I slowly allowed myself to open my eyes; and I felt my heart breaking again.
"No. This is wrong." I said to myself. "That's not Richie."
His hair was slicked back and they had him in a suit. I was happy that they'd covered the cuts on his face. But they'd also covered up a hickey that I left on his jaw below his right ear. That wasn't fair.
I felt myself start to shake.
"He hates his hair like that." I said to Sal. "He likes it natural."
"I know." Sal sighed.
"And, and the suit. I know it's what they usually wear. But he hates dressing up. He would want a tshirt."
"It's okay, Noah."
"No its not!"
I found myself stepping in front of Sal and reaching to fix Richie's hair. It needed to be messier. This wasn't him. This wasn't what he looked like. I managed to pull most of it out of the slicked back style and push it to the left side of his face before Sal grabbed me. He held onto my forearms and crossed them in front of me, then pulled me back.
"No." I said, starting to feel like I couldn't breathe. "That... That isn't right. That is not my baby."
"Yes it is. He just looks a little different." Sal said, trying to calm me down.
"No, he's dead!" I snapped, then started crying again. "He's fucking dead."
Sal let go of me and turned me around so he could hug me properly. I could feel people staring at us. But I just kept crying. I couldn't help it. I hadn't let myself say those words yet. I thought that maybe if I didn't, then it wouldn't be true. But it was. It was, and that was never going to change.
"Noah, he doesn't want to see you like this." Sal said. "I know he's here. He can see how upset you are. And I bet it's killing him that he can't help you."
That only made it hurt worse.
"Please calm down. You have to say goodbye before they take him."
I took another minute to regulate my breathing; then allowed Sal to bring me back to the casket. I stood there shaking, trying to keep myself from trying to fix him again. I started to lean down, and Sal grabbed my shoulder.
"I just want to kiss him." I said quietly.
Sal loosened his grip, but kept his hand on my shoulder. I leaned down and let my lips touch his forehead. I wanted so badly to kiss his lips, but two things were stopping me. First, we'd promised his father that we wouldn't tell anyone. But the real reason I didn't was that I knew he wouldn't be kissing me back.
"I love you, Richie." I whispered, feeling a few tears slip from my eyes. "Please don't leave me completely."
Just a few minutes later, Richie's parents said goodbye and closed the casket. I watched some people come in and take it away. Two more hours were spent sitting in the corner of the room with Sal; trying to avoid speaking to anyone. Richie's mom came and hugged us for a while. She gave me Richie's cell phone. She said that she'd taken the pictures she needed from it, and that Sal and I could get the ones we wanted. She didn't want it back.
We both went through and texted ourselves the pictures we wanted. Sal only took a few. Most of them were pictures of me sleeping, or cute selfies he'd taken with me sitting unaware in the background. I found a video that I'd completely forgotten about. I'd taken his phone from him. He was hovering over me, begging me to put the phone down and kiss him. I watched the video over and over; just watching him smile and laugh so genuinely.
"You haven't kissed me in at least three minutes!" he scoffed, laughing. "And you say you love me?"
"I do!" I said, setting the phone down next to me.
I could see our shadows on the ceiling, and I could hear us. I could hear us kissing, and catching our breath, and saying 'I love you'. It didn't sting to hear him say it. It was comforting. As long as I could hear it, it would still be true.
The burial was probably the worst part of the day. I had to sit there and watch as they lowered the love of my life into the ground. Sal and I stood there until the grave was completely filled, and even after Richie's parents left. The entire time, we squeezed each other's hands so tightly that it felt like they would break.
"Oh my god." I choked, crouching down and laying one hand on the dirt.
I layed back, resting my head where the tombstone was going to go. I stared up at the blue sky and the few puffy, white clouds above me. The sky looked happy. It made me sick.
"Stop it!" I shouted into the air. "Stop fucking mocking me!"
Sal sat down next to me and ran his hands through his hair.
"Noah, can I tell you something?" he asked.
"Yeah?" I sighed.
"When you were in the hospital, they let me in to where Richie was for like five minutes. And while I was back there, I made a promise to him that I'd really like to keep."
"What did you promise?" I asked.
"I told him I wouldn't let anything happen to you." he said, pulling two cigarettes out of his pocket.
I watched him light one and stick it between his teeth. Then he lit the other and set it in the dirt.
"Please promise me you won't take the easy way out of this."
"I can't promise you anything." I said quietly.
"Are you seriously telling me that you're going to kill yourself?" he snapped.
"I'm not saying I will, but I'm not saying I won't." I said, "I haven't decided yet."
"Do you know how-"
"What? Selfish? Do I know how selfish I sound?" I laughed. "You think it's selfish of me to feel like dying would be better than living without him?"
Silence.
"I'm fucking heartbroken because he died. He doesn't get to live anymore. He's going to miss out on everything. But you know what? He was mine. I loved the hell out of him! He was my fucking future, Sal! We had plans! Now I have to try living when half of me is already dead. I feel a lot worse for him than I do for myself, but being afraid and being selfish are not the same thing. Don't you dare try to tell me that my feelings are invalid!"
Silence.
"Sal, when my dad died, my mom considered killing herself. But she had kids to raise. Who do I have to live for?"
"Me." he said. "Me and Sara. Your mom. Your little brother. What about them?"
"We needed my mom to survive. None of you need me."
"Noah-"
"You know, we aren't even friends!" I snapped, standing up and backing away. "It wouldn't even affect you if I died! No one would even tell you!"
"Noah, listen!" Sal snapped back, then waited for a minute before speaking. "I don't care if you don't want to be my friend. All I know is that my best friend loved you more than he loved himself and I made a promise that I would keep you alive."
Silence.
"He loved you so much." he said, laughing slightly. "So fucking much, man. Like, he used to text me every single day to tell me. He'd talk about how he thought love was imaginary. But then, with you, he realized it was real."
Silence.
"You know, he'd already decided he wanted to marry you. He told me that when you turned twenty he was going to take you to some sign in front of your school, and tell you he wanted to keep you forever."
I smiled at the thought of that stop sign.
"I was staring at him, and I ran into the sign." I said out loud. "We probably never would have spoken if I hadn't hit it."
Sal smiled and took a long drag off his cigarette.
"If you start seriously thinking about killing yourself, please call me. You don't have to be my friend. But I want to at least be able to tell Richie I tried."