"Spencer?" I knock on his door for the third day in a row. "It's Y/N. If...if you're awake, knock on something."
I hear a faint knock from the inside of his apartment.
"I know that you want to be alone right now, but... I wanted to let you know that I'm here for you, and...I wanna help." I lean my head against the doorframe. "I'm just gonna chill out here for awhile and...just kinda talk at you. Maybe that'll at least...help a tiny bit."
I sit down on the floor, my back against his door, amongst all of the gift baskets that Penelope has left over the course of three days.
"So..."
I proceed to tell him all about my week, everything that was notable-- what I'd normally tell Spencer about.
"I'm...running out of things to talk about," I sigh out.
It's a lot easier to have a conversation when the other person talks back. I've been sitting out here for a good hour now.
"Well, I think I'm gonna go. If you need anything, Spence...anything at all, just call me."
Just as I'm about to get up, the door swings open, making me fall backward and onto my back.
"Oh, I'm sorry..." He tells me, looking down at me.
I stare back up at him, taking in his appearance. He's got some stubble going on, his hair is unkempt, and he's dressed in a robe with some pajamas underneath.
"It's okay," I tell him before sitting up and hopping to my feet. I face him, giving him a sad look.
He doesn't waste any time before wrapping his arms around me. I wrap mine around him, hugging him tighter when I hear some faint sniffles coming from the boy.
"Shh, Spence..." I shush him as I rub his back.
I had to hear about the whole thing from Penelope. When I came over three days ago, I found a few gift baskets on the floor outside of his apartment. He wouldn't answer the door, wouldn't say anything through it. I knew something had to have happened, so I called Penelope and she told me all about it.
A girl. A genius, like him, that he'd been talking to for six months was shot and killed in front of him. And that's all I got out of Penelope.
"Can I come in and sit with you?" I ask Spencer.
He pulls away and nods. "It's kind of a mess right now," He tells me as he turns around, heading back into his apartment.
I grab my purse and backpack off of the ground and follow him, closing the door behind us. He takes a seat on the couch and I occupy the place next to him, putting my things on the floor.
"So...what do you know?" He asks, looking down at his hands.
"I know the gist. Just that you'd been talking to this girl for awhile..." I tuck one leg under the other and face him. "Why didn't you tell me?"
It's not like Spencer to keep secrets from me. We've been best friends for nearly two years now... and we tell each other everything.
"Because I knew you'd give me shit about it," He sighs, running a hand through his hair. Well, he tries to run it through. His fingers get caught in the knots.
"What? Spencer, I would not. Why would you think that?" I gawk at him.
"Because... I was giving myself shit about it the entire time."
"Why?"
Spencer goes on to tell me about the stalker situation, and about how he really didn't even know this girl. Despite the hours of communication, the letters, the phone calls... he had no clue who she was.
"I knew that you'd call me out on it. For putting myself in danger, and putting her in danger by contacting her. But...it was nice to finally have someone want me. I finally found someone that wanted to be with me. And now she's gone."
"Spencer, you'll find someone. I promise, you will." I rest my hand on his shoulder, attempting to comfort him.
He shakes his head. "No. No one wants to be with me, no one will understand me the way she did."
There's already someone who does. You just don't see it...
The room falls silent for a minute before I speak up. "Can I brush out your hair for you?"
Spencer just shrugs, but I take it as a yes and fetch his hairbrush off of his dresser.
"Alright, on the floor." I sit down on the couch and point to the space in front of me on the floor.
Spencer hops off of the couch and crawls over, taking a seat in front of me.
Gently, I start to brush the knots out of his brown curls.
"Have you showered since...?" I try to ask.
Spencer shakes his head, disrupting my brushing for a second.
"Okay, well, we'll tackle that next. Maybe I can order us some food after and we can watch movies on my laptop?"
"Okay, that sounds good." He tells me.
I continue with my detangling, finishing up his hair with one last comb-through with my fingers.
"Okay, you're set to go take a shower," I rub his shoulders.
He doesn't move from his spot, just mumbles something. I can just barely make it out. "Will you come in with me?"
"Into...the shower with you?" I ask him.
Spencer stands up, turning around to look at me. He nods his head a little bit, flashing some unintentional puppy dog eyes.
"W-Why?" I feel my stomach gurgle.
"If you don't want to...it's okay. I just need to feel and give love right now," He looks down at the ground.
I'm sort of speechless. I can't get out any words. He wants to have sex?
He sighs, shaking his head. "Just...forget I said that. I wasn't thinking-"
"Okay," I nod. "If you're sure that's what you want."
He looks at me in shock, then nods. "I'm sure,"
Alright, Y/N... this could be the biggest mistake you'll ever make. And you have to sit and eat dinner with him and watch movies before you can go home.
Spencer holds out his hand to me and I take it, hopping off of the couch as he pulls me toward the bathroom.
Once we're in, he looks over my outfit, bringing his hands to the bottom of my shirt before backing off slightly. "Can I...?" He asks me.
"Anything you want Spencer, okay?" I tell him with a nod. "I'll tell you if not,"
He nods back and goes for my shirt again, pulling it up and over my head before tossing it aside. Then, he drops to his knees and unties my shoes, pulling them and my socks off before going for my pants.
He pulls my pants down and helps me out of them, leaving me in just my bra and underwear. The boy stays on his knees and peppers kisses just above the waistband of my underwear while reaching up behind me to undo my bra. I let it fall off of my shoulders and he tosses it away, looking up at me as he kisses my tummy.
His hands gently caress my sides. "You're beautiful. You're stunning..." He tells me, earning a blush in return.
His hands run down the sides of my legs, resting on my knees as he gently caresses the backs of them while keeping his kissing up.
"The backs of the knees are an often overlooked erogenous zone," He tells me. "The skin here is thin, allowing access to more nerve endings..."
I have to admit...this is getting me going. My nerves are skyrocketing, though...
"I'm gonna take these off. Is that okay?" He asks, hooking the waistband of my underwear.
I look down and meet his brown eyes, giving him a shy nod. "Okay,"
He tugs them down and I step out of them, kicking them aside.
He stands back up, undoing his robe himself and taking it off. When he goes to pull his shirt off, I stop his hands, doing it for him. I do the same for his pants and underwear.
Well, Y/N, you've seen his dick. No going back from that now.
Is this wrong? Going through with this? I know that he wants it...but on my end...I'm not so sure. I just want to make him feel better. He needs someone right now, and if that means letting him use me... I'll do that for him.
Of course, then there's the feelings I'm getting. The feelings he's giving me without even having to touch me. I know that his actions aren't meant for me. I know that he's imagining that I'm someone else. That I'm her...
I space out as he turns on the shower, feeling self-conscious. Push your feelings down, Y/N... be there for him. He needs you. He needs you right now.
He offers me his hand as he steps into the shower. I take it without hesitation and step in with him. My body isn't in my control right now. It's taken over in an almost robotic way. Is this disassociating?
He turns me around, pushing my hair out of the way before bringing his lips to my shoulder, sucking and kissing at the area.
When he gently bends me over and thrusts slowly into me, I reach my breaking point, tears forming in my eyes. Then, her name falling off of his lips. Even if it was on accident...it just confirms what I'd been thinking of.
"Spencer, stop." I breathe out. "Please."
He pulls away immediately. "Y/N? Did I-"
"No," I stand up straight, covering myself up and stepping out of the shower. I grab a towel off of the rack and wrap myself in it.
"Y/N?" He asks again, turning the shower off. He steps out just as I'm picking up my clothes. "What did I do, Y/N?" He pulls the second towel down and wraps it around his waist.
I just shake my head, trying to pull my clothes back on and stay covered at the same time. "It's not you,"
It's me.
"It obviously is, Y/N...I can tell. Please, talk about this with me. What did I do?"
"I just..." I start, feeling a sob collect in my throat. I do my best to push it down, but my voice still comes out a bit croaky. "I thought that I could do this for you, but...it turns out I can't. I'm not into being used, I suppose." The 'used' part comes out of nowhere. I didn't mean to say that to him.
"Y/N, I wasn't-"
"You were," I snap, cutting him off. Tears are rolling down my cheeks now as I tug my shirt over the towel and then let the towel drop to the floor. All clothes are on, besides my bra. I reach for my shoes next. "And I let you. I knew it wasn't me that you wanted, I knew that you were imagining her. And I thought that I could just put on a show for you-"
"Y/N-"
"-and that I might even enjoy it because of how I already feel about you, but then you said her name. I'm sorry, I'm just not up for being your pocket pussy. Go to the store and get one, maybe even put a label on it with her name." I say a bit too harshly as I pull on my second shoe and tie it.
"Y/N, I'm-"
I don't stick around to listen to him. I rush out of the bathroom, grabbing my purse and heading for the door. As I'm about to go, he catches me by my wrist.
"Y/N, please don't go-" He says, his voice hoarse and raspy. I don't look up at him. I can't.
"Let me go-"
"Please," He begs with a sniffle.
"Let go of me!" I rip my arm away from him, not even giving him one last look before opening the door and heading out of his apartment.
My phone rings and rings inside my purse on the drive back to my apartment. It doesn't stop ringing for more than two seconds at a time.
I'm cursing myself out on the entire drive. I left him in his time of need. What a great friend I am...abandoning him like that. Stupid fucking cunt, Y/N. You're an asshole. You should turn around right now and go back to him.
But every opportunity I get to turn around is passed by. I can't bring myself to face him, no matter how badly I want to. No matter how badly I want to apologize and give him a hug...I can't seem to do it.
I end up back home, my phone still ringing over and over again. I make a decision to put his calls on silent...and I do, finding some peace and quiet finally. I set my phone on the nightstand by my bed, watching the screen light up...then go black over and over again. The picture of him and I taunting me each time it flashes on my screen.
Soon enough, I cry myself to sleep.
I'm pulled out of my sleep by my phone ringing. It's dark outside already, and I've got no idea what time it is. I squint at the light of the screen, making out the name 'Penelope Garcia' on the caller I.D.
Before I can even say hello, I'm bombarded. "What did you do to him? You knew he was fragile, Y/N. You knew he was! What did you-"
"What are you talking about?" I ask, standing up and heading to the living room.
"You!" She cries. "One visit from you and you've ruined everything!"
I hear some commotion on her end of the line, followed by a 'give me the phone back!'. A new voice flows through my ear, one that I instantly recognize as Derek.
"Is Reid with you?" He asks, much more calm than Penelope.
Is he with me? "No, he's not. He's at home-"
"No, he's not." Derek tells me. "We're here right now and he's not. I got a call from him earlier, crying his head off and rambling on about you and Maeve. I could barely even make out anything other than your names. I came all the way here and he's gone. His cell phone is still here, so he's off the grid."
"He called you forty-six times!" I hear Penelope shout in the background.
"He's gone?" I ask, feeling my heart ache.
"The team is out looking for him. We've checked everywhere we think he might be, but he's not at any of those places. You got a clue?"
I think for a second before it clicks.
"I think I know where he might be. I'm heading there now. You guys stay where you are just in case he comes back."
Derek tells me that he hopes I'm right before I hang up the phone, looking at my notifications. Sure enough, there's forty-six missed calls from him. I'm such an asshole.
I know exactly where he is.
I haul ass in my car, getting there in no time and running to the spot. Our spot, where we met. Where I bothered him for the first time. A little seating area in the Southwest Duck Pond.
He sits on the black bench, facing the water.
"Spencer?" I ask, rounding the corner and looking down at the boy.
He looks up at me, his eyes meeting mine for a split second before he puts his focus back on the water. "How did you know where to find me?"
"I'm your best friend," I tell him simply, giving him a sad look. "And you're mine..."
"Am I still?" He doesn't look up at me.
I blow out a tiny sigh, feeling a wave of guilt wash over me. "Spencer...of course you are."
"What sort of best friend uses you?"
Ouch...
"Spencer, that's not...I didn't mean-"
"Maybe you didn't mean it, but it's true. I used you..."
A silence falls between us and I shuffle my feet. "Can I sit next to you?"
"Sure," He tells me.
I take at seat next to him, tucking one leg under the other so that I can face him. "I'm sorry," I tell him, feeling tears fill my eyes once again.
"You don't have anything to be sorry about, Y/N."
"I do, though." I let out a shaky breath. "I left you when you needed me most. You opened the door for me, you let me inside your apartment and... your heart and I left you. I was just... upset."
"Which you had every right to be." He runs a hand through his hair. "I treated you like you were a prostitute, using you for your body like that."
"Quit saying that. I didn't mean that-"
"Well, it's true, Y/N!" He raises his voice, standing up from the bench. "It's true, and you know it is! You didn't even really want to! This is just short of-"
"Don't you dare," I say sternly, standing up. "Don't you dare even think that, Spencer Reid!"
"But isn't it!" He looks at me for the first time since I got here. "Look me in the eye and tell me that it wasn't, Y/N! Look me in the eye and tell me that you wanted to have sex with me earlier-"
"Stop it! Stop making yourself out to look like a monster! I changed my mind! I changed my mind and I told you to stop, and guess what? You did!" I yell back at him. "All you wanted was love! That's all you wanted. You told me that, and I said yes. I said yes because I wanted to give that to you. I wanted to make you feel loved, Spencer. Because you deserve love more than anyone in the world."
"Obviously, I don't." He shakes his head, his gaze falling to the ground.
"Spencer," I take a step forward, bringing my hands to his face. "Look at me, look at me."
He hesitates, but looks up into my eyes.
"You do deserve love, Spencer. You do. You deserve it so much more than anyone else because all life has dealt you is pain." Tears fall from my eyes now. "All you've ever had...was pain and that's not fair. You don't deserve that."
I brush some hair out of his face, searching his sad brown eyes. "I just wanted to give you love, Spencer. And I changed my mind because I couldn't handle it, when I thought I could." I bring my hands back to my sides.
He swallows, looking back at me with an unsure look before speaking up. "You said something-"
"I didn't mean anything that I said. I was upset," I assure him.
"But...you wouldn't say this to make me feel bad. You were getting your clothes on, and you said that...you thought you might enjoy it because of how you already feel about me." He looks like he's trying really hard to piece together the information. "You said that...because it's true. Because you have feelings for me?"
"That's old news-"
"Not for me, Y/N." He shakes his head.
Oh, please.
"Spencer, don't act like you didn't know-"
"I didn't! How was I supposed to? You never told me how you felt about me," He says seriously. "I'm a profiler, not a mind reader!"
I look down, feeling guilty. "I'm sorry. It's not like it would have changed anything,"
He scoffs, bringing his hand up to my face. He takes my chin in between his thumb and first finger, tilting my face up so that I'll look at him. "Wouldn't it have?"
"What?"
"Y/N, I've been in love with you since I met you. Everything would have changed if you would have told me," He pushes my hair back with his fingers.
"You were?"
"Y/N, how could I not be? You didn't really give me a choice, the way you forced yourself into my life." He cracks a smile for the first time all day, I think.
"I didn't force myself-" I feel a smile tugging at the corners of my mouth.
"You did, Y/N. One year, ten months, and twelve days ago, I was sitting on this bench and minding my own business and you would not leave me alone." The boy chuckles.
"I bugged you," I tell him, smiling right back at him.
"You bugged me," He repeats. "And you never stopped bugging me. You're bugging me right now!"
This is what he's normally like with me. How we normally are together. Always playful banter, just like this...
"Yeah, well you looked sad."
"I was sad, Y/N. I'd just lost Emily, you remember?"
I give him a small nod.
"I never told you this, but...that night I was gonna relapse."
My heart skips a beat when he says that. I give him a frown, my bottom lip quivering a little bit. "Spence-"
"No, hey, listen..." He holds my face with both of his hands. "I didn't though...because you bugged me. You cheered me up, joked with me. You didn't even care that I was a stranger, you helped me."
He lets out a small sigh. "You don't think when you see someone hurting. All you want to do is make them feel better, and I think that's what you did today, too. You wanted to make me feel better in any way that you could."
I nod, agreeing with him.
"Y/N, I'm still clean today because of you. Because you bugged me. You're the only good thing that the universe has ever handed me...and I almost lost you today. I...was foolish and I asked something of you that I shouldn't have. And I'm sorry. I really hope that I can make it up to you...and that we can still be friends...or maybe even more in time."
"Of course we can," I smile at him. "And please...don't be sorry. You may be a super genius, but you're still human."
He gives me a sad smile. "I know,"
I wrap him in a hug, feeling him give me a kiss on the top of my head. He hugs me tight to him.
When I pull away, I dig my phone out of my pocket. "I'm sorry for ignoring you, by the way." I tell him.
He waves his hand at me. "I understand,"
"I should call Derek back," I look through my contacts for his number.
"I forgot...I called him. I was hysterical. Is that how you knew to come here?"
I chuckle, nodding. "Yeah, he had the entire team out looking for you. Penelope called me and yelled at me. She told me that I ruined everything. I'm pretty sure she hates me now,"
He frowns at me. "I'll set everything straight, I promise." He shoves his hands in his pockets.
"Spencer?" I ask, looking out at the water. "I get...the significance of this place, but...why did you come here when you could have gone anywhere else?"
"Because I've never told anyone about this place. I knew that no one would find me here. Well, except you. But I never expected you to come find me."
"I'll always find you, y'know. I'll always be a thorn in your side,"
He smiles, letting out a tiny chuckle. "Same here, Y/N."
"Come on, let's go home." I gesture in the direction of my car. "I'll even stay with you tonight to get food and watch movies. Y'know, like I promised earlier before I ran out?" I start walking, him walking alongside me.
"That sounds great," Spencer tells me.
"Great," I say with a smile, bumping my shoulder against his arm.
We keep on our way to the car, the walk silent until Spencer decides to speak up again.
"Hey, Y/N? What's a pocket pussy?"