I stormed through the halls as the bell rang overhead for lunch, trying to beat the crowd and rush with my lunch bag snuggled deep in my bag already. I planned it very well, as I created a thought-out plan to skip the bellowing crowd of students during each class change. Peering at the clocks which was usually a few minutes ahead in almost every class, I waited until it was past five minutes till the usual class change, ask to use the washroom, and I would book it down the school towards whatever class I had next, waiting patiently by the door and beat the crowds as the bell shot loud over the intercom, reading to switch classes. It worked rather well most of the time, however at points there were times when I had to unfortunately scatter amongst the crowds in the hallways, the stares stinging and piercing my skin as I could feel eyes burning on me, like always. I hated those time's, feeling as if I'd rather crawl into a hole and die, or just turn invisible completely. I would have loved that.
Before lunch everyday I had science, however for the last five minutes all anyone did was sit around talking to one another, waiting so desperately for the bell to ring. Some of my teachers knew my routine already, as they would even go as far as giving me a signal for when I could leave, nodding my head as a thanks. All the teachers hired in the school knew my situation, for they understood completely why I hated the crowds. There had been times in class the teachers had to tell students to keep their eyes at the front of the room, for many had fallen upon myself, and they knew how uncomfortable I could get.
"Class, the notes are at the front of the room, not where Mallory is sitting." I had heard that one a few times, however most of those phrases were spoken years ago, when I was still in middle school, when the majority of the attention was placed on me. However I still received that attention, just not at full force like before.
I had gone to my locker first, stuffing my lunch in my black bag wrapped around my shoulder, slamming it shut as I realized the bell would ring at any second. Too soon the seconds ticked by, as the monstrous bell buzzed over head, causing me to practically run down the hall. I wasn't into eating in the lunch room, surrounded by even more people from the high school as that would cause even more stares. No thanks. I booked it towards another room, one on the very level I was reaching at the time, hearing people shout at each other with laughter and jokes, I tried to ignore as I knew the room, my destination was coming up to my left. Students clearing out of the room as I approached, until soon no one else remained, and I took the opportunity to enter, only the teacher sitting in her desk, marking some papers. I felt at ease as I finally entered the room, the quietness as I closed the door behind me, muffling the sound as if the room and door was sound proof.
"Hey you," the teacher, Mrs. Reid smiled towards me as the closing of her door caught her attention, a small smirk crossing my face as a gesture back.
"Hi," I spoke, making my way across her neat and tidy room, for she was sort of a neat freak this teacher. She was my math teacher, as I didn't enjoy the class and work at all, however she was the only thing I enjoyed about the class. She was a great math teacher, she really did know her stuff—obviously—however she knew how to explain it as well. She explained things that made it easier to understand, in which I was very grateful for. But unlike most math teachers, she had a nice personality as well. She was a teacher in her thirties I think, super friendly, nice, but also funny in a way. She was my favourite teacher of all. And the most important thing, she understood me. She knew almost everything about me, for there were times at lunch I had gone over details about the things I had experienced for the past six years, she was an awful great listener. Giving me advice on a few things, as I believe I was the only student she let eat in her class. Especially at lunch. I was the exception, for there were times she had to grade papers and get things done, and I only sat quietly eating my lunch. However even during those times, we spoke an awful lot.
I felt like I could really trust her. Which was something I hadn't felt with many people. An odd feeling for me, truly. But I enjoyed it as well.
"So, you exited for the end-of-the-year pep rally coming up?" She asked, about to open up her own lunch as I pulled up a chair across from her desk, the wide and long desk located at the front of the classroom. Taking my own lunch out of my bag, plopping it on the table as I glared at her a tiny bit, her small laugh escaping as she already knew my answer.
"Oh definitely. You know me, I'm all about the school spirit. Ra-ra!" I voiced in my sarcastic tone, laughing as well as the dread began to wash over me. I really did hate school activities, pep-rallies, spirit week, all of it. I had warmed up to the idea of school sports games like the other day when I attended the basketball game, however I was still debating on the whole topic. "What about you? Are you pumped for the pep-rally?"
"Meh. They're a bit over-rated," she joked some more as she opened up the lid to her container of grapes, the crunch squirting out as I smiled some more.
"But you're a teacher. Don't you have to go?"
"Not unless I call in sick that day." Both of us snickering after awhile, for I knew she had done than many more times than I could count on one hand. Mrs. Reid was not like most of the other teachers, not so uptight like the rest. She was kinda cool, a cool personality and sense of humour attached to her friendliness. I found that rather surprising, for if you first met her, she didn't seem at all to have a good sense of humour. Acting mostly like a sweet person, she could have a sarcastic tone to her voice and jokes as well. I loved that about her.
Silence crept over the two of us after awhile, just eating our lunches and I began to unwrap my tuna sandwich, and her finishing the grapes moving onto her next course; just a chicken wrap it looked as if. The noise from the hallway completely silent now, as I figured everyone was down the stairs in the lunch room. Good riddance.
"So, how's everything going with you?" She asked up, the topic turning onto me like it usually did, for most times than not the topic surrounding myself popped up. At least once in the day I somehow was squirmed into the conversation, as Mrs. Reid liked hearing my daily updates.
Shrugging a bit, I tried to think of something to tell her, for I wasn't going into the full story. She got the gist of it.
"Eh, it's alright I guess. Some of the girls in my class asked me to join them to watch the basketball game the other day."
"Oh, that's good," her eyebrows rose up, swallowing her food first before she spoke further, a type of excitement in her voice for she knew I tried to stay away from my classmates as well.
"Yeah, except my parents almost grounded me when I got home later than usual. They were freaking out," I explained, the silence taking over as her excitement for me fell a bit.
"Well, that's understandable. They are just worried about you."
"Yeah, I know." Another pause settled over us, as if mist drifting in and plundering us with stillness. It lasted a few minutes. "My therapist thinks I should stop avoiding people and start making more friends. Talking to others," I finally thought of something to say, speaking from thin air as I pulled out the thought from the day earlier, all curled up in the therapy office.
"Yeah, that's good. There's nothing wrong with that." I looked at her in disbelief like I had the other day to Dr. Bailey. What was up with them? Were they crazy? How could they both think that?
"What do you mean 'there's nothing wrong with that'? Yes there is. I could be hurting someone else if I let them be my friend," I explained the same thing I worried about the other day speaking to Dr. Bailey, however not as angry or confused. More just my opinion, trying to move my point across, hoping they would see it somehow. Although even now it seemed it was no use.
"Yeah, I suppose. But you can't just live your whole life in fear. Besides, it might be nice to have a few friends, don't you think? I've seen Sherri really hanging around you a lot."
"Oh yeah. Don't even get me started on her," I exhaled almost in exhaustion just thinking of her, as I had ditched her sometime in the morning. I know I was being rude towards her, however she just made me feel as if she was my parents further, with her always hanging around, always attached to me. Her presence somewhat annoying. I had to admit she was nice, reminding me slightly of Amber, however I just wanted to her to leave alone, I didn't want her to end up the same way as my other two friends. That was all.
"She seems nice though. Seems like she really wants to be your friend."
"Yeah," I spoke in almost a whisper, still feeling down upon the whole thing, as a quick knock at the door interrupted my thoughts, my curiosity pulled at me, finding out who it was.
"Oh, speak of the devil," Mrs. Reid sneared at me quietly, only for my ears as Sherri poked her dark head of hair through the door, peering inside.
"There you are. I've been looking everywhere for you," she declared, her usual smile spread upon her face as she entered the room further. I tried to fake a smile, however it probably looked as if I was in pain more than happy to see her.
"Hi Sherri."
"Hey, so look, the girls and I are going to the basketball game again after school. You're coming, right?" She asked, her eyebrows rising up as that curious yet hopeful face sprawled over her, and I only stared at her speechless in a way. Ugh, what do I saw? Do I lie? Or do I go?
"Uhhhhh, I.....I can't. Sorry but I got a......a thing tonight."
"But you just told me you had nothing going on tonight. That you are going to be so bored. Now you can make plans," Mrs. Reid spoke up immediately after me, as I shot her a glance of betrayal while she smeared on a smile, I was caught in a lie. Ugh. How dare she. Silence taking over after a few minutes, as Mrs. Reid kept nodding over towards Sherri, wanting me to answer right away. I finally gave in.
"Oh, yeah right. I forgot that thing is tomorrow night. Yeah, sure I'll go with you guys," I finally spoke, but more in utter humility and disappointment, as Sherri expressed the opposite of what I felt.
"Ok! Great! See you later then!" She shrieked, leaving the room as I exhaled out, giving Mrs. Reid a death glare as she plastered a smile on her own face.
The day passed too quickly afterwards, as the end came to a close, with Sherri sticking by my side the whole time as we headed down to the gym, about to watch the guys basketball team once again. I wasn't too thrilled, I would have much rather just gone home or something, as it seemed almost a chore to hang out with Sherri. Although the faint memory of the other game I went to the other day still daunted in my head, as I was reminded of the sort of fun I had. Maybe it would be the same. Remember what Dr. Bailey said. You should get out more and interact with people. Be more social. Do your own thing. Yeah, that's what I should do.
It didn't start for awhile, the other team having to show up first as the grade ten boys from our school already bore their uniforms, the colour blue consumed the jerseys with the name 'Wildcats' scribbled on the front. Taking shots and practicing dribble sequences as their coach told them where to stand, what to do for their next warm-up drill. A few parents already stationed on the bleachers, waiting for the game to begin. My friends and I also waiting—well, Sherri and the other girls I had spoken to a few times—sitting with their legs crossed as I sat there as if not knowing what to do with myself. Do I talk to someone? Or do I just stay sitting awkwardly? I chose the second option, for that was the one I always went to. Sitting quietly, not engaging in conversation as the other girls blabbed and sprouted on. I didn't pay too close attention as to their topics, as they sometimes whispered and spoke quieter than others, and those times I knew for sure they were talking about me. However I wasn't surprised, I was too used to it by now.
I knew most of the girls just felt sorry for me, that being the only logical reason as to why they would invite me to sit with them, hang out with them, invite me to watch the game with them. I didn't talk to most, as I had only spoken a few times to those girls in my classes, for Sherri was the one who spoke to me most. I didn't understand why. What made me so special? Out of everyone to talk to, why me? I wasn't anything exciting. Anything special. I was a freak who kept to herself. Who didn't speak. Who everyone knew and stared at. It wasn't like I was popular for being pretty or friendly or kind to everyone. I wasn't popular for having the most friends or the most confidence. I was known, I was popular because of my experiences in the town. I was popular for all the tragedies that occurred in my life. I was popular for being a target, for being a victim. That was all.
So why did Sherri, who was popular for being pretty, friendly, confident and having the most friends want to be friends with some victim? Was it like charity? Feeling better about herself for helping someone like me? Feeling better about herself after hanging around me, seeing how much better her life was than mine? It was probably one of those answers. But I wouldn't dare ask her at all.
The whole school bus of other players filling the gym, as another high school basketball team met ours in the gym. The game about to start, as the other team dressed in their green colours practiced a few drills to start. Twiddling my thumbs like I did when I was bored, or feeling nervous in a way, I tried to kill the time. Why was I here? They're not even talking to me. Why did they invite me? Maybe you should talk to them first? I didn't know what to do, as I sat there still awkwardly, dumbstruck almost. Did I look as awkward as I felt?
The other girls who sat next to Sherri—who was to my left—possessed names they had introduced me to at one point, however I could no longer remember them. I didn't pay too close attention, as I wasn't interested. It wasn't like I would become their friend. However I had seen them many times, them hanging around Sherri who always hung around me. The girls as popular as her, making jokes and giggling in their fluttering voices. I didn't fit in with them at all. I was definitely out of place.
"Hey Mallory? What do you think?" My name was being called as I snapped myself out of the long silence and thoughts swarming my head, turning towards my left as the other four girls all peered towards me curiously.
"Mhm?" I shook my head a bit, as if trying to shake out my dizzy thoughts I had imagined seconds earlier, leaning all my focus onto Sherri and her three other friends.
"We were just talking about the guys on the team. Who do you thinks the cutest?" Sherri eyed at me, explaining further as I frowned a bit, glancing at the sweaty boys in their dirty jerseys and shorts, my mind completely turned off. None, as a matter of fact. But I didn't want to say that, in fear of them asking why, and then I would have to explain further, making me more of a freak for not liking guys. I wasn't a freak over that, but everyone would think so.
"Oh. Uhhhhh," I stammered while I quickly scanned the team, trying to find a guy that wasn't too bad, possibly only decent, as my eyes fell upon a tall kid with short black hair, his face petite, with the number 4 written on the back. I guess he's ok.
"I don't know. Maybe number four?" I asked as if a question, as if it were a right or wrong question, the girls darting their attention towards the team as smiles began to light up on their faces.
"Oooooh, Oliver? I agree, he is totally cute!" One of Sherri's friends jumped in, as the others nodded in agreement, almost proud of my choice. And for a split second I felt sort of nice, almost fitting in for a fragment of a moment, until it faded away once again.
The game starting, the guys bouncing the ball back and forth, up and down the court was rather dull, however the most thrilling part was the four other girls cheering their heads off once we won a point—our school—as they stood up from their seats each time, people glaring at them almost from the separate team. We were winning, so far. It felt nice to laugh as I snickered to myself, watching them act stupidly happy and completely over the top with energy and team spirit. I only remained sitting though, for I was not as wild as they appeared.
With the half time coming close, the crowds went back to their discussions, speaking to each other as the team members sat on the bench, awaiting the next period. I remained quiet once again, awkwardly like last time as Sherri and her own friends discussed certain things, deep into topics it seemed for awhile. However soon Sherri also sat quiet beside me, her stuttering expression wanting to say something, as she played with her bright beaded bracelet wrapped around her wrist. A piece of jewelry I actually thought was dainty and pretty, flattering her nicely. That expression still settled on her face, from what I could tell from the corner of my eye.
"Mallory look. I know you don't like me much. I know you think I'm annoying and all," she spoke up out of nowhere, my attention being brought back to her as she faced me head on. My mind confused and stunned by what she just said, for she spoke out of clear air, so honestly, no filter or anything holding her back. She continued. "And I'm sorry for that. It's just.....I really—"
"I don't......find you.....annoying Sherri. And I don't, not like you," I interrupted her instantly, trying to cut her off with an explanation along with reassurance. She paused for a second.
"You don't? Really? Well, then why are you always avoiding me, and trying to get away?" She asked with almost hurt in her voice, for I was still sort of shocked she had just spoken up about this all out of the blue, the topic still striking me as I tried to come up with an answer. Do I tell her the truth? Or do I make up some lie? I just kept quiet for awhile, and she took the words out of my mouth as she took my place in speaking. "I guess I just figured you did, because it wouldn't be the first time. That's one of the reasons I left my other school, because of the people in it. They weren't all that nice, I could tell I wasn't wanted. I've always had that sense when people are sick of me, but it's like I just.....can't stop myself," she paused for a second, as I only sat there to listen to her, for this had been the first time we actually spoke of other things beside school. A friendship growing I could tell, no matter how hard I fought it. "When I want to be someone's friend, all I do is hang around them, and I know it can really be annoying. I'm too clingy sometimes."
"Yeah, but.....why do you want to be my friend?" I finally spoke up, cutting her off right at the end of her sentence, a confused expression startling inside her. I wasn't going to lie, I was going to talk to her honestly. I had chosen that now.
"B.....because...."
"Because you feel sorry for me? Is that it?"
"No. No that's not it, Mal. I mean I will admit that was the case when I first got here. I knew who you were, everyone did. Still everyone knows who you are, and I saw you with no friends, no one to talk to, and I wanted to be there for you. And once I started speaking to you in class a bit, I got to know you a bit more, it wasn't that I felt sorry for you anymore, but I almost admired you."
What? What did she say? Admire? What did she mean by that? Admire? Me? I was stunned to hear, for now I truly believed she was kidding, pulling my chain.
"Admire me? Yeah right."
"No. Really," she tried to convince, but still, I didn't buy it. However I didn't stop her from continuing, I only kept quiet. "I admire you for being so strong. For going through all that stuff at age nine, loosing your best friend and all right in front of your eyes. And then loosing another one of your friends at age twelve, and here you were. You held your head high, you got through the days as if with this armour. I didn't see some victim like everyone else. I saw someone real strong," she finished, and I couldn't wrap my head around the whole thing. She thought I was strong? Really? I didn't know if I should have been flattered, or insulted, for I didn't feel strong at all. I felt rather weak, helpless. Vulnerable, like a little child. Did others see me as a weak child as well? Or did others see me as a strong person as well? I had no clue, and didn't think I could find out.
As I sat there taking in what she just said, a new type of light had begun to shine on Sherri, as if I saw her as another person suddenly. No longer that annoying girl who kept following me around, I saw her the same way I used to see Carly and Amber; and actual, true friend maybe. Should I start letting people in again?
"The truth is, I didn't avoid you because I thought you were annoying. I avoided you because.....because I didn't want you to be apart of my life," I finally told her the truth, as if there was no one else around, like we were all alone in this room, nothing else mattering as we spoke to each other. A friendship kindling.
"Why not?" She asked confused, as if she didn't know who I was at all. I didn't understand her.
"Because I didn't want anyone apart of my life. You know what happened, Sherri. Carly was my best friend, and she was taken away. Amber was my best friend, and she was taken away as well. I'm scared for the other people in this town, for if I make another friend, they too could be taken away. Don't you see? I'm dangerous. You don't want to be apart of my life. I'm only trying to protect you, and everyone else from getting hurt. There is someone after me, after my friends. You don't want to be my friend, Sherri," I tried to explain to her, try to get through to her, as if backing off. And for a split second I thought it would work. I thought she would hear me out, and start stepping away from me. But to my surprise after a few minutes of silence, she didn't, she stayed close to me.
"Well, how do you know he's still here? It's been three years, maybe he's gone?"
"Three years after Carly disappeared Amber was taken. You just said it, its been three years since Amber disappeared now, it could happen any time."
"Well, I don't care."
"How can you not care? It's your own life!" I shouted between us, the silence flawing over as our voices had become whispers.
"You can't live in fear Mallory."
There was that phrase again, for I was becoming real sick of everyone saying that very thing. I kept quiet for a minute.
"We risk our lives almost everyday. We go driving in cars all the time, don't we? In air planes, go on trips. Any one of those things can kill us. We could get killed in a car accident, in a plane crash, going to a foreign country. We eat food everyday, we could easily choke and die. We do risky things all the time, we can die anytime, but we don't live our lives in fear. We can't live that way."
Was she right? She was I had concluded. Sitting there as I let everything absorb into myself, I was still off putting on the fact of our friendship. Still not understanding what was so special about me that she would risk her life, as it seemed there was no amount of convincing that would change her mind otherwise. I just gave up on it.
"So what. You want to be my friend then?" I asked, trying to clear things up as that question took me back to when it was simpler, back in kindergarten where we would ask that simple question, and it felt as if set in stone. It was official. A friendship had kindled.
"Yeah. I do." Would she regret that? I didn't know any answers to that question.
The basketball game ending later in the evening, as I began to head home myself. Alone as I stepped out into the darkened outdoors of the streets, I hadn't realized it had become so late. And almost the instant I noticed how dark it was, the sudden memory of my parents bolted into my head, a sudden streak of shock, of nervousness exploded as I thought back to them. Shit! My parents! I forgot to tell them I was staying for the game! No! Man I'm really gonna get it when I get home! No!
Beginning to pick up my speed as I bolted down the sidewalk, the one that would lead me all the way five blocks away to my house, my street. Panic striking inside me, as I almost ran down the block, trying to pick up speed as I went on. Come on hurry up! What time is it anyways?
It doesn't matter! The point is it's definitely past 3:30 in the afternoon, and you are supposed to go straight home after school! The police are probably already at my house. My parents probably called them awhile ago! God you're so stupid!
Booking it as a sudden cramp began to spread, for I did not run that often at all. Slowing down as I so desperately wanted to book it again, I knew I could not as I slowed to a type jog, just a walk for awhile.
"Hey Mal! Wait up!" A voice jolting me with shock and surprise, as I whipped my head around with horror for a second, as I hated walking in the dark of night. My parents worries getting to me as they plastered into my head, scared it would be that man after me. Yeah, the man that sounded like a girl. Right. It was only Sherri. Her ponytail bouncing as she caught up to me.
"Hey......what's.....up?" I spike almost out of breath, holding my side as she walked up to me and the two of us started the shorter stroll together.
"I live close to here, just at the end of the block. Since we are going the same way I thought we could walk together," she explained her reasoning, as I nodded my head from the tiredness of speaking with my heart racing fast, too fast for me to catch up, I needed to catch my breath for awhile.
"Oh.....ok."
"You're pretty out of shape huh?" She laughed as I had enough energy to shove her a bit, as she fell more into the chain linked fence to our right.
"Yeah.....you just.....shut up," I laughed along too, as our joyful times seemed to venture between us, as for the first time in three years, this felt as if a start to another friendship. Possibly one that would end better than the rest. I hoped.
However that hope was soon cut off, as my eyes landed on a shape, a figure that stood across the street from the two of us, as my heart immediately stopped beating. I went completely cold unlike the hotness from my run moments ago, as I stared fearfully at the tall, all black figure, man's figure that watched us. It was him. Him. Here once again.
"We.......we have to go! Now!" I screamed next to Sherri, as I grabbed for her arm and started booking it once again down the dark sidewalk. No! This can't happen again! No! No! Why did Sherri have to come walking with me?! Why?!
"Hey! What's going on?! Why are we running?" Sherri began to scream, as her confusion stirred in with fear that rose in her voice, as I held on tightly to her arm, having her rush beside me as we ran for our lives. My heart beginning to beat so fast, my blood turning cold as that fear for my life ran inside me. Fear for my friend ran inside me as well. Please no! Please don't let it happen again!
"What's going on?!" She screamed one more time, however I could not answer, for the next second that went by a very heavy and large object was smashed over the back of my head, as I blacked out and hit the cemented grounds.