Later that day, the walk back home remained silent between Amber and myself, as the sun shone brightly down upon us, and the breeze pushed back our hair. We turned onto my street, as it had been about ten minutes since we left the school, and I knew my parents would be having a timer started, knowing and hoping I would come home the exact time I usually did. And you could bet, if I came home any later, they would be ringing up the police so fast it could make anyone's head spin. So fast that by the time they got ahold of someone I would be walking through that very door, and they would have no choice but to end the call.
I was rather quiet walking home with Amber, unlike the usual chatter I always contained around her. My head just span around the events that occurred in the day, from the test I had been pulled out from, to the conversation with the officers.
"Have you seen a strange man wandering around town?"
What were they asking? What did they mean by that? That he is back? Why? Why would he be back? If he took Carly why not just leave town? What did he do with her? If he is back in town, does that mean she's no longer with him? Does that mean......
"Mallory?" My name was shouted while I finally snapped out of the daze, my attention following back towards Amber, her fire engine orange hair breaking in my eyes, as if a flash of light. They adjusted quickly.
"Sorry, what was that?" I asked her, tilting her head a bit as if in pity of some sort, and I only kept my head straight on, watching my house start to weather away from the trees and open up.
"What's up with you today? Ever since this morning you have been.....off. Is it because of the talk you had with the police?" She asked, my memory moving back towards that discussion as I let my head answer for me. "What did they ask you?"
"We just......spoke about Carly," I only mentioned a small part, one she had already figured out most likely as we kept our pace the same. Her head nodding away, the long chains wrapped around her neck jingling with the gesture. One necklace of hers in particular, a black corded necklace with a dark crystal tagged along as the pendant was the main one standing out, as the other smaller necklaces only flattered it. I liked that necklace of hers a lot as a matter of fact. She had great style, truly.
"Still?" She asked, almost confused as I shot her a quick glance of surprise, slowing my pace as I met her face.
"What do you mean?"
"Oh.....I......I didn't really mean anything by.....that," she tried insisting, her noticing my shock from her small question, her knowing it tipped me off.
"No, tell me. What did you mean by that? What, are you surprised they are still looking for her or something?"
"Well, sort of, I guess," she tried brushing her answer off easily, not so harsh as our walking stopped completely, for I only looked at her in confusion, a hint of anger as well. How could she say that?
"She's not dead, Amber. I know she isn't. She can't be. She's out there, somewhere, they just have to find her. Don't ever say she's dead or anything close to that. Just don't," I shot her the same look of utter unbelievability, for she didn't say the words, but I knew what she meant by her small comments. I knew what everyone thought. They all believed Carly was dead. Killed, buried somewhere deep underground. But she couldn't be. I didn't want her to be. There were times myself I thought I was the only one that believed she was alive; her own parents starting to have doubts. For I had heard them speak of it, during the many visits I had with them over the last three years.
"I don't know what to think anymore, honey. There has been no sight of her, no word at all," Carly's Mother had explained to me on a visit I had only had recently, for I had stopped by on a sunny day after school, her parents more than happy for that visit. They had expressed many times of the joy they had when I visited, feeling closer to Carly almost when I came over, for I reminded them of her. I could understand, for when I was younger we used to play together all the time, me spending most of my life living at their place. Feeling as if their second daughter in a way. I enjoyed those visits as well, for I felt closer to her there too.
"But, the police are still searching. Isn't that a good sign, that they haven't given up? It's been three years, there have been stories of other people missing for longer than that and they return home. You don't know, she could still be out there," I tried to get through to her Mom, her Father in the other room as he grabbed a few desserts as if a welcoming gesture, however they knew by now they didn't need to treat me like a guest, I was pretty much already home.
"I know hun, it's just that, I think I would feel it if she was still here. I did, in the beginning. The first few weeks I believed she was alive. Although after the next months passed, I didn't feel that hope any longer. I can't explain it, it's just that, I have this feeling, like she really is gone. No longer with us. I want to keep the hope alive, I will keep asking police to follow up leads, but I don't think we are looking for a living girl anymore. I think we are looking for her body now."
It broke me that day, hearing her own Mother say she didn't believe her daughter was alive, for it seemed now I was the only one with the small dim light of hope inside me. And as far as I could tell, it wasn't going away any time soon.
Amber and I finally making it to my house, as we stepped upon the path that led towards my front door. The two cars parked along the front street, indicating my parents were already home, like usual now. There was no need for a key any longer, for I knew my parents got off work early now, wanting to make sure I got home from school safely. Real freaks they had become ever since Carly disappeared, for their care for me was immediately introduced the second she was taken away. I would have never thought that would be the reason they would take an interest in me. I was glad for the attention, the love, the care they surrounded me with now—although it could get annoying at times—however it was sad that my best friend had to vanish in order for them to start taking a type of action.
"Mal? Is that you?" My Mother called from the other room as Amber and I entered, the screen door slamming behind us.
"Yeah Mom. It's just me and Amber," I rose my voice ever so slightly, a type of silence taking over after I spoke up. Taking our shoes off at the mat near the front, we wandered towards my own room, passing the kitchen and down the hall, past my parents room as well. Coming to a closed door that was mine, I shoved it open as the two of us entered, my curtains full of sunlight as there was no need to flick a light on. My room was rather bright.
"So, you wanna study for your make-up test for Monday?" Amber asked the second we walked into my room, my exhaustion flooding myself as I chucked my bag onto the floor, falling backwards onto my single bed.
"Are you kidding? As if. I still have two more days to study for that god awful test. Besides, if I study now I'm never going to remember it all for Monday. I'll just study on Sunday or something," I insisted, placing an arm under my head as Amber took a seat next to me, her head nodding away as she understood too well it seemed. Silence took place over the two of us, the slight fluttering of my parents footsteps circling the house interfering with the noise. The noise of only our light breathing and sighs. It felt like a long day had passed, not so much a long week however. Just the day seemed to crawl by so slowly, and I was glad school was done for the week. Ever since that conversation that morning with the officers, everything turned into slow motion throughout the day, my mind permanently set on Carly. The words in our discussion replaying on a continuous loop, never ending as I thought about it all day, not able to listen in my other classes, not able to be fully there. I was somewhere else, trapped in my head as delusions took over. Do the police think she's dead too? It has been three years. Am I the only one who thinks she's alive still? Is she? Or is everyone else right? Is she dead?
"Hello? Mallory," Amber once again brought me out of my delusions of thought, peering back over to my right where she sat leaning against my wall, while I remained on my back lying down. Guilt washing over me once again, for I hated ignoring her.
"Mhm?" I asked, her expression with risen eyebrows fading a bit, as she could already tell what was on my mind.
"You aren't completely here. You still thinking about her?" She asked, not needing me to answer for she knew exactly what I thought. She knew already. Finally moving from my spot I had lied in for awhile, I propped myself up onto one elbow, facing her more directly instead of just a head turn.
"What do you think happened to her?" I asked curiously, wanting someone else's answer other than my own for once. I knew the gist of what she thought, however I wanted details, maybe to clear up what I had been thinking for all this time. Wanting someone else's opinion, and this time, I really wanted to consider it. As odd as it may sound, Amber and I hardly spoke of Carly, for she knew it was a subject matter that was delicate for me. Never knowing if she was going to say the wrong thing, of hurt my feelings in any way. I appreciated that, although at the same time I couldn't stand people walking on egg shells around me, or the matter. I just wanted to talk about it finally, I wanted someone to hear what I thought, I wanted to hear what others thought. Because ever since she had vanished, I always kept my own thoughts and beliefs to myself.
"I....I thought you didn't want to talk about, her," she responded, it clearly being linked to the walk home earlier, as I had snapped once she made the sly comment of her possibly being dead. She never said those words, but I knew what she meant before.
"No. I want to. I want to hear other people's thoughts on it. I only know my own. So tell me. What do you think happened to her?" I asked more pronounced, intrigued more than before as I waited patiently to listen, my ears fully perked. Her, taking a deep breath as she fiddled with her crystal necklace, her mind seemed to wander onto the subject as well, a face deep in thought like the one I resembled only minutes earlier.
"Well, that day, when that man took her, I think he drove her out of the city. Maybe somewhere in the country, somewhere isolated. Maybe locking her up in a basement, or just in a house. Maybe he kept her for awhile, until he got bored with her, and then he just, killed her. Burying her somewhere in the woods, or in another isolated area. Somewhere no one would look. Where she would never be found," I listened carefully, horror washing over myself as I knew she was thinking something like that, however it was still a shock as I heard the word kill spill out from her mouth.
"So, you don't think she could still, be alive somewhere?" I asked, trying to search for even the slightest bit of doubt, as her face dropped into a shameful one, as if she was ashamed of what she just said. Feeling awful for crushing her friend in a way.
"Well, I don't know. She might be, there have been stories of people coming back after years of captivity. But, there are only a handful of cases like that, and there are a lot of missing people. I think, and this is just me, but I think that she is most likely.......d......gone," she corrected herself before she could even spit out the word, for I knew what that d word really was. Dead.
The night seemed to sprint on by the next several hours that passed, the darkening sky covering over us as the clock read times between six, to seven, to eight, nine, and finally to ten. Amber, still over at my place, for she had arranged to sleepover for the night. My parents going out to a friends house around nine-thirty, for I knew they would be gone until late hours in the night. Always the same once they hung out with a few of their friends, catching up as they would meet over at their places, having drinks most likely, and staying until one or two o'clock in the morning. They insisted Amber sleepover as well, for they no longer liked when I would stay home alone, for they had become freaks over the subject years ago. I had just hit the age of staying home by myself however, and I wasn't too fond of it I had to admit. Especially at night. Amber was the same way.
The two of us heading down towards our newly finished basement, flipping the channels as we made popcorn and tried playing a good movie on the television. Our pink pj's yanked on—well, they were both mine since I let her barrow a pair—as the two couches were all made up with pillows and blankets thrown on, only several lights flickering as our silence took over from the channels flipping away.
"Hey did you see Amanda's new haircut today?" Amber blurted out loud after a few moments, my attention immediately drawn to her as a small smile began to form on her face. I could sense gossip coming on.
"No. What was it like?" I asked, perching myself in her direction as her face lit up in laughter, her excitement rising high as she got to tell me some juicy details.
"Ugh, it's hideous! Apparently she had her hair in a ponytail when she was sleeping, and her little brother cut it off in her sleep!" She let out an obnoxious set of laughter, my face automatically lighting up as well as I let out the same tone of giggles.
"Really?! Like the whole ponytail?"
"Yeah! The whole thing! It looks hilarious now! One side looks shorter than the other, her brother literally cut it down to the scalp! She's going into the hairdressers, but her appointment isn't until next week!" We both laughed some more, that gut wrenching set hurting after awhile, although we couldn't stop as the picture filled my head instantly, and only imagining her hair made me laugh even more.
"That's too funny! Oh, did you get a glimpse of Taylor's outfit today? He was wearing checkers with polka-dots! What a guy! Who wears those two patterns together?!" I let out another heap of gossip, our laughter emerging higher in the room, getting hotter as we didn't die down one bit. We could be rather bad over the gossip, for we were never mean to peoples faces, however, only when we were together, we often made good jokes and laughed over people in our school, as bad as that sounded. However we didn't care that much, for it was just the two of us, and we knew neither one would go ahead and blab about it to others. It stayed between Amber and I.
Amber and I were best friends at this point. Sure, she did have other friends in class she spoke to, so did I. However they weren't real close, like friends you would have sleepovers with or go out to the mall together. No. They were more like school friends, and at the time I was completely fine with that. Amber on the other hand had more 'school friends' than I had, for she was considered more of the popular girl in school. It didn't bother me too much—or I tried to not let it bother me—however there were times I felt left out, for all anyone wanted to speak of was Amber. But I did eventually get over it, for Amber was a really nice person, and a really great friend.
"Hey Mal. What was Carly like?" Her sudden question from nowhere sparked up a sense of shock, as my laughter died down instantly, and I shot her a look. It wasn't like I was offended by the simple question or anything, I was just surprised at first, and I could tell she figured that out. "It's just that, I never really knew her before, and you don't talk about her much. The hype in this town for the past few years has been about her, since she disappeared, and it just makes you wonder about her. Like what she was like, who she was," she went on explaining further, my surprise calming down as she wasn't finished I could tell between pauses. "What was she like? What was your favourite thing about her?"
Where do I start? Where do I begin? I tried pin pointing exact characteristics of hers, reaching back into my memory to pull out certain details, letting little reminders fill my head as if releasing a barrier flooded with water, for the water were the memories captured within my head. I sat and thought for awhile.
"She was......my best friend. She was......very bubbly, smart, kind. She always had nice things to say. A very sweet girl," I paused for a second, letting the flash of memories occur, the pictures of her recollecting as I saw her smiling face, the one she possessed when we played dolls or some type of other game. I went on. "She was my first and only true friend. I felt as if she was my sister. Her parents were like my second family, and for awhile, they felt like my first. When I would have a fight with my parents, I would run over to her place and cry to her, and she would always be there for me. Always try to cheer me up, to get me to smile. I never told her......but I appreciated that so much," I paused, remembering one fight in particular as I had run over to her house crying, tears streaming down my face as she hugged me when I saw her. And she tried to make me feel better by offering me one of her Barbie dolls, an offer I had to decline for it was her favourite one. I couldn't take it away. A smile reaching across my face, her presence coming back to me all with that tiny thought. "And I think my favourite thing about her......was that she never left me alone. There were times when I would try and push her away when I was angry at my parents for fights, but she always pushed right back. She wouldn't allow me to push her away. She stuck by me through it all."
Amber's eyes had softened almost to the point of tears, my head following up to meet her gaze once again. A soft smile spreading across her face, as it began to match mine all the same.
"She sounded like a great friend."
"Yeah, she was. Is."
1:46 am struck after hours, my eyes falling heavy as I could hardly keep them open. Amber on the couch beside me, for she had fallen asleep almost an hour earlier. The television playing softly in the background, while re-runs of Parker Lewis Can't Lose streamed onto the TV with low volume. That had been a show Amber and I were fond of, however at the time now I couldn't stay up longer to watch, for a whole marathon was running on the channel. My tiredness taking over, while I let my heavy eyelids close gently, not able to pick them back up as I fell asleep deeply, my dream world taking over as I lost all consciousness, deeply once again.
***
This loud ruckus took over in my head, things crashing and banging all over as I couldn't process what was happening at the time. My mind was completely dark, however I could only hear the sound of yelling almost. The sound of a struggle taking place. My dream was intense, as the dark soon exited, and I witnessed what was truly going on. I was right there, on the street, in front of the old beat up white car, while I saw that very man grabbing Carly, trying to haul her into the vehicle. I was back on that day, the day in 1993.
No! Get away from her! Get away! Stop! I wanted to scream, I wanted to rush to them and stop him somehow, but I couldn't get myself to move. I was paralyzed, exactly the way I was on that very day. I couldn't get myself to move, as I now stood on the sidewalk, right next to the car. Come on! Move! Do something! Help her! Help your friend! But I couldn't do anything. My head wouldn't move, my eyes wouldn't, my arms or legs. I was trapped inside my own body. Help captive inside my own body. I couldn't get away.
"Mallory! Help me!" Carly caught a glimpse of me as she screamed, tears beginning to rush down my face as I tried so desperately to move, but I couldn't at all. The ruckus getting louder, the struggling taking place as I heard her scream, but I couldn't do anything. I only sobbed there in my spot, my anger rushing inside me as well as my fear. I couldn't do a thing besides watch and let it happen. I was useless, just like that day.
"No! Mallory! No! Help! MALLORY!" And just like that, she was thrown into the car with one more loud bang, and the car started to pull away. She was gone.
****
My heart had stopped in my chest as I woke up next, my fear still bleeding inside myself as I faced the ceiling above. My heart soon began to beat, however it raced and raced as I couldn't even tell it was beating anymore. No pauses in between the beatings, as if one solid one. I placed my hands over my face, closing my eyes once again, trying to take deep breathes. It's ok. It was all a dream. It's ok.
No it's not ok, because that actually happened in real life. You only watched her being dragged away, and you never did anything. You froze there, like a coward. You are a coward, some friend you are. You did this to her. This is all your fault. You realize that, right?
After a few seconds of deep breathing though, a sudden feeling, a realization washed over myself. It was too quiet. I heard nothing at all. Nothing. No loud breathing like Amber usually bore when she slept, no television running in the background. No footsteps from Mom and Dad. Nothing at all.
Placing my hands away from my face very slowly, eerily, I sat up almost instantly with shock as I caught a glimpse of the whole scene scattered out in front of me. Everything in the basement was a complete reck. Blankets ripped and spread out all over the ground, pillows beaten and off the couch, tables and chairs smashed down there, with broken glass from the tables. The TV set shattered as well, while a bloody trail was leading towards one of the smashed windows near the other couch. A struggle had taken place. A desperate, life threatening struggle. And as I peered over towards the other couch, Amber was nowhere in sight.