We talked about life, about our interests and about people from school.
When the subject ‘Juliet’ came up, the girl and guy from the table next to us walked over to us. “Hey” the guy said. “Hi” Andy answered. “Um… I kinda heard you talking about music and um… I was wondering; do you need two guitarists for your band?” he asked. My jaw dropped “what?” I asked. “If you need guitarists” he said. Andy nodded “Yeah, do you play guitar then?” he asked. The guy nodded. “Yeah, um… can we sit with you?” the guy asked. We were on a date, but well, sure. Andy nodded.
“Well, um… I’m Jeremy, but I prefer you calling me Jinxx. This is my girlfriend Sammi.” He said. “Nice to meet you” Andy said. “I’m Andrew, but call me Andy and this is my boyfriend Ashley” he said. Sammi smiled. “I knew it” she said. “You knew what?” I asked confused. “That you’re together. I noticed you holding hands, but Jinxx wasn’t sure if you two were together” she said. “And you’re so cute together” she said smiling. “Thanks” I said.
“But right,” Jinxx cleared his throat. “I play rhythm guitar and my brother Jake also plays guitar” he said. Andy and I nodded “well, we’d like to practice with you sometime” Andy said, “but we don’t have a drummer yet” he said. “Really?” Jinxx asked. I nodded. “Oh, in that case, my friend Christian is a hell of a drummer. I can ask him if you want.” Jinxx said. Andy and I nodded. “That’d be awesome” Andy said.
“Here, my phone number” Jinxx said and shoved a paper in our direction. “Thanks dude” Andy smiled. “Well, we’ve got to go, but I’d like to practice with you guys” Jinxx said. I nodded. “Bye” Sammi and Jinxx said in union. “Bye” Andy and I replied.
“That was… weird, but awesome” Andy said smiling. I nodded “yeah”. “Hey, are you okay?” Andy asked softly. “I’m fine” I answered quietly. “Are you sure?” Andy asked. I nodded quickly. He raised an eyebrow. I looked at the clock which was hanging on the wooden wall in the Starbucks café. “How late do you have to be home?” I asked changing the subject, “I can take you home if you want” I said. “I can stay as long as I want, my parents are on a business trip” Andy smiled. I smiled too. “I’m home alone too” I said quietly.
“Maybe we can have a sleep over?” Andy asked happily. I nodded “sure”. “Where do you live?” Andy asked. “26th Avenue” I said. “Ooh that’s like super close to school” Andy said. I nodded. “Can we have a say over at yours then? Then we can go to school normally and we don’t have to stand up at six am.” Andy grinned. “Sure” I said.
We both stood up and threw our empty coffee cups in a garbage bin standing next to the door of the café. “To my house?” Andy asked. I nodded “sure.”
All I ever said was ‘sure’. I’m so worthless. It’s just like I don’t have emotions anymore. Well, not in front of other people. I’ve cried myself to sleep many times in my life. Because I got bullied at school or because someone had beaten me up. I think I’m weak. I’m weak for crying over those things. I’m also weak because I cried because Andy kissed Juliet. It was so embarrassing when he found me in the restroom. I don’t deserve him, I thought.
The walk to Andy’s home was very quiet. We didn’t hold hands, we didn’t kiss, and we didn’t talk.
When Andy opened the door of this house, we stepped into the little hall way. There were hanging pictures of Andy and his parents. They looked so happy. Andy had normal parents. He had a mum and dad who loved him. I had a dad who’d beat me up if I did something wrong and I’ve never known my mum.
I swallowed back tears. Andy made his way to his room and I followed him. The room was blue. In golden letters was written at the wall at the head part of his bed; Rise up and celebrate your life. Andy took a bag and started stuffing clothes in it.
When I saw a picture of his mum and dad holding him when he was very young, I started crying. “Hey” Andy said softly and sat down next to me on his bed. “Hey what’s going on baby?” he asked softly. I pointed with my shaky hand at the picture. “Y-your parents love you” I sniffled “it’s so beautiful” I said. Andy just held me tight. “M-my dad absolutely hates me, especially when he’s drunk and-and I’ve never known my mum” I sobbed. “Oh baby” Andy said and held me tighter “but I love you” he whispered, “I love you”.
When I calmed down some, we walked to my house. When we came there, I apologized for the mess. Beer bottles all over the floor and some whisky bottles too. I quickly threw them away. It smelled like drank in my house. “I’m so sorry, it’s so disgusting here” I apologized again. “Never mind baby” Andy said. I took him upstairs to my room.
At least it smelled normal there. That was mostly because I used those air fresheners and my window was open like 24/7. It was a small room, light yellow walls, a bed and a dresser. I didn’t even have a desk. I’d just do my homework at my bed. I always did. “Um oh fuck” I mumbled. I didn’t have a mattress for Andy or me to sleep on. “Um… you can sleep in my bed” I said, “I don’t have an extra mattress for you so 2I’ll sleep on the floor” I said. “What?” Andy asked “hell no, you’re going to sleep in your bed too” Andy said. “Are you sure?” I asked. Who the hell would want to sleep in the same bed with a loser like me?
Andy nodded “Of course, I’m not going to let you sleep on the floor with your ribs bruised, anyways I wouldn’t let you do it, ever” he said. “Hm okay” I said absently. “Um… you can settle down your stuff, is it okay if I’m going to take a shower?” I asked. Andy nodded “sure”. I weakly smiled at him, grabbed my pajamas and walked off to the bathroom.
I stepped inside of the bathroom and locked the door. I opened the cup board and took out a little box with razors. i took out one razor and dragged it over the skin of my thighs. I hated doing this. But I deserved it. I cried because Andy kissed a girl, and he found me crying over him. I cried because Andy has nice parents who show him they love him and I’ve not. I was jealous of Andy in every way possible. He was popular, he looked good, no he looked gorgeous, breath taking, his parents loved him, and he got good grades. I at the opposite didn’t have any of that. I wasn’t popular in any way; I’d always been an outcast. I was ugly, my dad hates me, I’ve never known my mum and my grades weren’t good.
I slid the razor over my thighs over and over again, covering the old scars in blood. I’ve never cut my arms or wrists before, people would notice that, but no one would ever take a look on my thighs. As they say; a smile on his lips, cuts on his hips. And it was true.
I turned on the shower and waited until the water was warm, which didn’t took long. I stepped into the small shower cabin and let the water rush down over my body, hissing at the pain when the water touched the fresh cuts on my thighs. I quickly washed my hair and body, being careful the soap didn’t touch my cuts.
After that I turned off the shower, dried my body, dried my hair and put on my pajamas. My hair was soft. Then I made my way back to my bedroom. Andy was sitting there, writing in a notebook, with his batman pajamas on. “Hey baby” he said and pecked my lips softly as I sat down next to him. “Hi” I replied, smiling weakly.
“Have you been… crying?” he asked careful. Fuck my eyes must be still red and puffy. “No” I quickly made up a lie, “I got shampoo in my eyes” I said, a little laugh escaped my lips. But actually there was nothing to laugh about. This wasn’t funny.
“Do you want to sleep?” Andy asked. I shook my head. “No just let me write down something for the project we have to make for Mr. Shaster.” I said. Andy nodded “sure” and he wrote further in his notebook.
I took mine and opened the page where I stopped. I read the words over again.
These words are burning inside me, spent years in liquid harmony. This dream is who I wanna be.
I grew from those who hate me, stand fast to a razorblade symphony. Cigarettes and lyrics made me.
I thought for a second and then wrote down two other sentences.
Baptized in smoke and misery, a loaded gun and a bastard’s history. My temple’s for the crazy.
No sorrow left inside me, celebrate the moments behind me. This shot is holy Mary.
I thought for another second. People always made fun of me, but I tried to stay calm. To be strong and not care about what those people thought of me. Even if it was negative. Then it came up in me.
I’m young and my dad drinks a lot of whisky. I know this sounds really stupid, but this is going to be the title of this song; youth and whisky.
Can you see? Can you see me?
I’m strong from what they’ve made me.
These angels, who carry me,
They taught me youth and whisky.
This was brilliant, I thought. I started humming it softly. I forgot about Andy sitting practically next to me. “Sounds good baby” Andy said suddenly, a light smile on his lips. “You think?” I asked. He nodded. “Can you put that into chords?” he asked. “Then you can play the melody and we can sing” he said smiling. I nodded and took my guitar.
It was one am already and tomorrow we had to go to school. Well, I had to learn to deal with this because rock stars didn’t sleep much either. I sung the song in my head and played some random chords. The chords which fitted, I wrote down and when I finished it I gave it to Andy.
I started playing and singing softly. Andy sung along.