✳︎
They had planned it all down to the very last detail. Even if they had argued over each detail, with one of the centaurs often taking on the role of mediator, they had planned it. They had a plan. They wouldn't go into this blind. That was good for Phoebe's peace of mind. Her last battle hadn't exactly turned out amazingly, and having a plan to fall back on helped her organise her mind.
She supposed it was good to have a plan, especially if what Caspian was saying about the keep was true. It had never been taken in all of Telmar's reign. They had a high standard to live up to. Their scouts were reporting unprecedented numbers of soldiers gathering at Beruna, which was nerve-wracking for an entirely different reason. For now, she could forget about them. They weren't defending the keep, so they weren't important. The army at Beruna was a problem for a different day.
Phoebe had barely left Peter's side for the past day they'd spent planning. In all fairness, he hadn't tried to avoid her either - he'd been constantly at her side just as much as she was at his. Even if they weren't completely all over each other, it was having him there next to her that counted. Phoebe could remind herself that this was real, he was real, and he was there for her. It was nice, knowing that. Knowing that he was there when she needed him.
Peter had also been calmer in the meetings. Even if he and Caspian had argued still (Phoebe wasn't a complete miracle worker), she'd seen them agree at least twice. Baby steps, but still steps. And, well, they had a plan of attack. Days before now, Phoebe doubted they would have made it past the first stage of planning.
The day after their final meeting was when they would (hopefully) take the keep. They would sneak in under the cover of night, the most important participants going in undercover. They would be carried by gryphons. Edmund was going to signal the centaurs, who would be waiting with the full extent of their army. Phoebe knew Reepicheep had a role to play too, although she didn't quite know what the mouse was responsible for. Whatever it was, Phoebe was sure he'd do it well.
Lucy, much to her displeasure, was staying back. Phoebe knew that Peter wanted to protect his youngest sibling, but she had still felt bad for the girl when she'd seen her face fall. Phoebe understood the feeling, and she knew it wouldn't be easy for Lucy, waiting back at the base. She would have no idea whether any of them were still breathing, and Phoebe knew that would be terrifying for the younger girl.
Phoebe didn't have much of an idea as to what her role would be when it came down to it. She knew that she was going in with the others, but what she was going to do after that was unclear. Hopefully, if it all went to plan, they'd be in and our in hours.
The hours before they were preparing to leave flew by all too swiftly. It was as if time passed in a blur. Phoebe didn't quite process anything which went past her. She knew that at some point, she and Peter had split paths, and that she had spent some time alone in her room, just trying to wrap her head around it all.
One normal year in England. That was all they had had, and now they were back in Narnia, back to battling, back to throwing their lives down for a country which they couldn't stay in. Phoebe almost laughed at the situation. Even if she thought of Narnia as her home, she struggled to accept the fact that she could quite possibly die today if things went awry. At least last time she had been certain, and even if it hadn't been easy, not by a long shot, it was better than this constant wondering.
Wondering if these were the last hours she'd have in Narnia, wondering if these were the last hours she'd have with Peter and the Pevensies. It was nerve-wracking, to say the least. Her feet carried her to places she didn't know, places which were empty, places which were full of people. She had all this nervous energy and she needed to expend it somehow, and so she walked. For how long, Phoebe had no idea. All she knew was that some time later, someone jolted her out of her mind with a hand on her shoulder.
"Phoebe, we're about to go. Come on." It was Edmund, an urgent sense of excitement in his voice. She supposed the adrenalin had kicked in for him - she wasn't quite there yet, and she knew that if she had been it would've solved quite a few problems. Clearly, Edmund could tell she wasn't very present, as he grabbed her hand, forcing her to start moving again.
"I'm not really ready, Ed," she protested as he led her through the halls, "I still need to talk to Caspian and Peter." Edmund shook his head, just tugging on her hand a bit harder to get her to move as if she was some kind of stubborn horse,
"They're out there already. If you don't hurry, you'll miss them." That jolted her awake, and she pushed herself to move just a little faster, her lethargic limbs waking themselves up. Luckily, they weren't too far from the exit, and the fresh air hit her suddenly as they stepped out into the night. Phoebe blinked rapidly, her eyes adjusting to the sudden lack of flickering torchlight. The Narnian stars really were beautiful.
Still, she was only searching for one face in the crowd of people gathered. Most of their army had gone ahead under the cover of the forest, positioning themselves outside the keep and waiting for the signal. Phoebe's eyes found Peter's almost instantly, and she could tell he was getting ready to go. Then, she was running, the only thought on her mind getting to him before he left, He ran towards her too, and they clashed in the middle, Phoebe throwing her arms around his neck. Even if his armour wasn't exactly the most comfortable thing to hug, it wouldn't stop her.
"Stay safe, Peter. Please, stay safe," she said, removing her arms from his neck, "Keep us all safe." She smiled a little at him, and she could tell he was afraid.
"Phoebe, I want you to go with Ed. To stay out of the battle, okay? Can you do that?" Peter's gaze was sincere, but Phoebe took a step back, recoiling slightly. The flash of hurt across Peter's face didn't go unnoticed, but she couldn't help it.
"Why? Why don't you want me to fight? I'm just as good as you are, surely." She knew she should be making the most of what were (potentially) her last moments with him, but Phoebe couldn't help it.
"Just please, please, stay out of it. And if it goes wrong, promise me you'll get out. Just run, and don't look back. Please, please, Phoebe." The anguish in Peter's eyes was all too real, and it almost pained Phoebe to meet his gaze,
"No, I can't promise that." She saw his face fall. "If it all goes wrong, Peter, I'll go in. I'm not leaving without you, I promise you that. I won't leave without you. I will find you if it goes wrong." The conviction in her voice was clear enough that she hoped she got her point quite across. After all, it was the truth. She didn't know if she would be able to leave the battle without knowing if Peter was okay, without knowing if he was safe. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if she did.
"Is it so wrong for me to want to keep you safe?" At least he didn't try to fight her, but the pain in his voice rang true. He seemed to be accepting that these could be their last moments. Phoebe's gaze softened as she looked up at him, the emotion in his eyes almost palpable.
"No, Peter, of course it isn't." Her voice was soft. It didn't need to be loud. He could hear her, while they stood there in their own small world. "But I want to keep you safe too, okay? I would run back into any battle for you, Peter. And so I'm going to fight, whether you want me to or not, and I'm not going to break. Okay?" Her voice was still soft, and she reached up a hand to brush it against his cheek. At least he didn't have a helmet on. He almost seemed to lean into the touch.
"Okay, Phoebe. Okay." She smiled softly at him, reluctantly taking her hand off his cheek as someone called his name from behind them. She held his gaze for as long as she could, drinking in his features. Lifting herself onto the tips of her toes, she leaned in and pressed a lingering kiss on his cheek. Peter turned his face, brushing his lips against hers, and Phoebe smiled slightly as she kissed him softly, her lips moving lightly against his. It was almost bittersweet.
She drew away from him, offering him a small smile once again, and he swallowed loudly, a clear tint of pink settled in on his cheeks. He took both her hands in his and Phoebe looked quizzically at where they joined. He led her over to where the gryphons stood, the mighty beasts clearly ready to take him off.
"There's something you should know before we go in tonight." Phoebe lifted her eyes to his, meeting his gaze. The intensity of emotion there was something Phoebe thought she hadn't ever really seen before. Peter took in a breath, but Phoebe seemed to be holding hers, not wanting to break the small moment they had created between them. "I love you, Phoebe. I am in love with you, Phoebe, and I don't think I'm going to stop being in love with you any time soon, and I just can't go into this without you knowing. My world turns around you. Stay safe, please." He pressed a kiss to the top of her knuckles before dropping her hands.
"I-" Phoebe was frozen in time. He loved her? He really, truly loved her? And he had chosen this moment to tell her? She was halfway between being ecstatic and being furious at him for telling her right at this moment. She tried to speak, but she couldn't, and within seconds Peter was lifted off the ground in the claws of one of the gryphons, Phoebe's vocal cords still stubbornly refusing to do their one job.
If anything, that had given her the sheer motivation to get through this battle, purely for the sake of berating Peter later for doing that to her. She supposed she had a question to ask herself now.
Did she love him?
Who was she kidding, of course she did. She would be a fool to try and pretend otherwise. Peter was most likely the love of her life, and if he died today, Phoebe would spend her whole life cursing herself for it. She had to get through, had to tell him she loved him. She would not let him go out so heroically.
Phoebe barely noticed herself be picked up by the gryphon, whisked away towards the keep. No, her mind was rather decidedly filled with many other things. The cold wind swept by, the stars looking down over her constantly, but she didn't feel the chill of the air, and the wind barely bothered her. She was, yet again, lost in her own mind.
Phoebe loved Peter Pevensie, and Peter Pevensie loved her. She just had to stick around for long enough to be able to tell him.
✳︎✳︎✳︎
i am writing this while revising for many exams
i am very stress.
thanks for listening to my TED talk
at least i get to escape to narnia in my head!!
p.s. i just realised i re-used a gif last chapter!! love that for me
until next time (wednesday)
all the love, k xo