"All Good Things" by Nelly Furtado
Long time no see, eh followers of this diary? I've neglected this book for a very long time. I have so many things keeping me busy that I really shouldn't be wasting time updating this. I've got a full-time job, multiple Wattpad stories to finish now that I've got a laptop again, and a manuscript to prepare for publishing. Throw in a rambunctious new puppy and some other crazy stuff going on in my family and it's a recipe for chaos.
But I can't not write this down. It isn't even because I've always said I would update every last detail of my love life no matter how painful it was. I simply have to put it down on paper (Well, virtual paper) because maybe if I can read it for myself I'll finally be able to catch my breath and I'll no longer feel like such a horrible person. So, here we go with this entry. I find myself in a very bizarre love triangle that I think existed for a long time but I'm only now giving in to the realization that it does. I care about two different guys.
So remember two entries ago? I picked up a second job in another department? Well, earlier this year I ended up transferring to that department full-time. I got tired with how my old manager treated his employees. So, I transferred to be in a better work environment. Only I didn't realize when I made the transfer to this new department that I was going to a place that was an all-male environment. At the time of the transfer I didn't really notice nor care. I was too preoccupied with getting better pay and not having to deal with the annoying politics of my old department.
I found early on that my new boss and my assistant manager were utterly useless in regards to training newcomers. Meeting *Darren was amazing. He was my saving grace that first week and then that first month in regards to training me and being my friend. He wasn't afraid to talk to me, the new girl, the proverbial alien among the humans. Even though the guys among my new department had seen me before when I was picking up hours, none of us had ever really conversed. I was the only female along with being very quiet, so I was ignored by almost all of my new male coworkers. Darren was quiet as well but I could tell right away we both shared a kinship of being outsiders in the banquet setup department. I wasn't wrong. We bonded over our lack of friends in the department as well as bonded over how goofy we found the younger guys we worked with. Given Darren works on the golf course and was only in the same department as me to pick up hours, he was already well aware that if not for him, no one else was going to bother to train me in the department because no one trained him.
During my first week I also met my supervisor *Mateo, the other guy in my awkward love triangle. He's a quietly loud individual where you wouldn't know that he talks unless you get him talking about something he's interested in. Given I was shy around everyone minus our boss, I never tried conversing with him. Our first conversation was during my first month of work. Mateo surprised me by initiating conversation. He asked how I was enjoying this department. I politely replied that I liked it but I found it odd that no one was willing to train me. Without batting an eyelash Mateo explained it was because no one was expecting me to last working here so there wasn't a point in bothering to train me. He went on to say there was too much heavy lifting and far too much to remember, I probably wouldn't last the month. He was quite serious and very unapologetic regarding his brutal honesty. From that moment I decided I didn't like him and made a point to avoid him. But Mateo was indifferent to my obvious dislike. He'd randomly pick on me for outrageously stupid things merely to tease or to get a rise out of me. From that point on we bickered whenever he felt the need to engage me in a petty verbal argument.
About another month passed and Darren and I became really good friends. I thought he was cute but I didn't think he liked me more than a friend. But soon enough, Darren and I started spending all of our free time at work talking to each other. We enjoyed the same music and the same movies. When I was really sick one night at work, Darren left on his break to buy me cold medicine. It was so, so sweet! A week later, a random creepy guy from a neighboring department kept watching me with what Darren dubbed "Rapey eyes". Well...he was right, the guy was creepy. We weren't being cruel. This guy is married with three kids yet had a bad fascination with staring at young women. Well one night after a creepy staring session, I had groaned and quietly complained to Darren the reason the guy was staring was because I only attract weirdos. Darren perked his head up to look at me in surprise. "You think I'm a weirdo?"
It took me a moment to register what it was he was saying with that question. He was attracted to me!!! Pretty soon after that, we enjoyed our very first date. It was the first date I've ever had where I felt totally at ease with a guy. There was no pressure to be someone I'm not and we never fell into awkward silences. I felt completely at ease as if I had known Darren my entire life. Without really being genuinely aware of what was happening, we fell into a relationship.
I know what you're thinking...FINALLY our favorite single B!tch has found someone! Being with Darren is so easy. We get along great! But a sad realization soon eclipsed my happiness with him. It wouldn't be until a month into dating that I realized we didn't share a passionate spark. It took him a month to pluck up the courage to kiss me, and it took me less than a minute to realize I didn't feel too much passion in our kissing. Don't get me wrong, kissing Darren wasn't bad, but it wasn't enticing that made me desire another kiss constantly. But knowing I didn't have great experience in the dating field, I decided to ignore the lack of physical intimacy in my relationship with Darren and continue seeing him. Why shouldn't I? He's an amazing guy and he treats me like a princess.
Soon after Darren and I began dating, I discovered there was more to my supervisor Mateo then met the eye. He wasn't as much of a jerk as I originally thought. Oh, he was one, but it turned out he was also possesses a quiet intellectual side that he doesn't show off too often. Mateo noticed right away that I had a strong love for reading. One day he started a polite conversation regarding his own love for reading. He made a philosophical comment that the reason he loves to read is not only because he enjoys an engaging story, but because sometimes disappearing into a good book can help escape from reality. It was a moment that lasted maybe less than ten minutes, but it caused our dynamic to shift. Mateo and I no longer verbally squabbled as much as we did. Our conversations were becoming friendly, even. His teasing me wasn't as harsh as it used to be, and he even started to teach me little tricks to make certain aspects of our job easier. We weren't exactly friends but we became friendly.
It was nice slowly becoming friends with others in my new department. Meanwhile, Darren and I started advancing our relationship in what I suppose was known as becoming "serious". He started coming over to my house to pick me up for dates. He met my parents and my siblings, and he brought me home to meet his own family. Everyone got along great! My family loves Darren and I loved every member of his family. Dating Darren is beyond comfortable. He's so laid back and we get along great. There has never before been a guy who hasn't been freaked out that I have a lot of siblings. There was the lack of passion in our kissing (along with the extreme lack of making out of any sort...) but I've equated that to the fact that he has Aspergers Syndrome. I was definitely overthinking this, Darren was/is talking about marriage! It's not his fault he doesn't care for physical contact as much as I would prefer. Once spring came and there was no more snow covering the ground, Darren went back to the golf course full time.
We kept in touch through text message and facebook, but we didn't see each other more than once a week after that. One random day at work a couple weeks later, Mateo came back to work after being out of town for a while. It was a chaotic day where there were tons of customers all over the building and way too much to do in regards tearing down and setting up a building. I was busy doing two different things at once while a coworker was babbling about the differences between the restaurants at the resort we work at. Well, Mateo turned the corner and when I saw him for the first time in a while, the biggest smile took over my face and it felt involuntary. I was just that happy to see him. Strangely, Mateo returned my mega-wat smile as well. It was as if both of us were suddenly aware we were stupidly smiling at each other because I hurried away awkwardly and Mateo looked to be blushing. A few more instances occurred the next few days where I would catch him watching me and vice versa. I've never been a cheater and never thought for a moment I liked him more than a friend until a random afternoon. Mateo asked what the names were of my two female coworkers from my old department because another coworker of ours wanted to look them up on facebook. That moment really bothered me but I didn't show it. The idea that my coworker from my old department, the really mean & bitchy girl, could date my sarcastic antagonist supervisor?! That she could date my Mateo?! I was bitter at the thought and so very annoyed. And then, there it suddenly was, the horrid realization that I looked at the pale-blue eyed Mateo as mine.
How could I do that? I'm DATING someone else! I'm not merely dating someone else, I'm dating a guy who's expressed desire to MARRY me! What the hell is my problem? I stated just a few lines above, I've never been a cheater. Mateo and I have never shared anything special. Hell, we argue more than we ever get along. Still, jealousy of mine reared it's ugly head. I technically had a boyfriend I saw weekly. Sure, he never asked me to put in-a-relationship on facebook. Nor do we take any pictures of us together...Darren and I may also never make out but maybe once a month...But we've met each other's families! We get along great!! He wants to marry me! What the hell is wrong with me? Why would I possibly like my supervisor who's in his late twenties yet still has the ability to act like a college frat boy when he's around our younger coworkers? And yet, here I was, crushing on my supervisor, wondering what might be and if he felt the same way.
I needed to disconnect from all of this guy drama and I needed to do it fast. I couldn't be with Darren but have thoughts of Mateo lingering in the background. As luck would have it, summer rolled around and business in the convention center hit a slump. After that, I decided to take drastic measures. I quit my job and took a paid internship in New York City working for NBC as a production assistant. I needed time away to get my head on straight so I didn't have to think about any of this. I broke up with Darren, explaining that I needed to take this job, although I didn't tell him about Mateo. As for Mateo, fate shoved him into my orbit one last time on the day I quit my job. He came up to me to say he heard I was leaving. I thanked him for his harsh attitude for all those months because It inspired me to become better at the job. He was nice...As nice...sort of. He said he would miss my annoying questions and our arguing. I quietly admitted that the reason I engaged in his petty arguments was because I had a crush on him. The look on his face was pretty priceless. Shock? Surprise? Amusement? He wore all at once. I didn't give him a chance because I embarrassingly walked away and didn't talk to him again.
I don't really know why I admitted my crush. What was the point? I was leaving and unsure if I was ever coming back to Wisconsin. I just broke up with a guy who had been our mutual coworker, and to top that, I had no idea if Mateo felt the same way. I definitely wasn't expecting anything from him. I guess I admitted my crush because I was leaving. I was too much of a coward to admit my feelings to Darren so I might as well admit them to at least one part of the odd triangle.
I left Wisconsin for New York and I didn't come back for over a month. I wanted relief and clarity. I found neither. The entire month I stayed busy with work and didn't think about love or my feelings. As if both were hidden inside of a box, I merely closed it up and shoved it away in my closet to ignore. But there was no ignoring Darren. Once a week he started a conversation with me through text expressing how much he wants us to be together. Mateo I never spoke after I admitted my feelings. He never contacted me and I never reached out to him. One day in the summer I uploaded a new profile picture and he liked it. That was it.
I wish this was where this entry ends. I could feel bad but at least end it knowing I did the right thing. I didn't lead anyone on and I took myself out of this situation. But it gets worse. I didn't do the right thing. In fact, I feel like a God-awful person and I don't think the feeling is going to go away any time soon. I came back to Wisconsin after my internship ended. My family needed me back home, so home I came. Ironically enough, my boss from the convention center called me asking if I would still like a job there. Not having better options that paid the same or better while living in a resort town, I accepted.
That was in mid September. To cut a long story way short, I came back to the job I share with Mateo, and then after a while I went back out with Darren. Now I'm in the same painful position I was in mid summer. Why? I guess because I'm a damn idiot. That's the only possible explanation. I didn't want to hurt Darren and I also didn't have the lady-balls to tell my parents I couldn't go back to the convention center around Mateo. (Working there pays the best and also provides me a flexible schedule that will help me babysit my siblings while my parents travel for my dad's job every few weeks.)
Darren found a new job because he hated working at the convention center in the winter. Five weeks away didn't make my feelings for him evaporate but they also didn't make them grow. I feel I love Darren...No, I do love him...but I don't feel we're in love with each other. With Darren, I feel safe. He's my friend, that's how we first started. We had a good friendship that snowballed into a relationship. He's great with my family and I adore his, but when I dissect little things of our dating, I don't believe I can build a lasting marriage around something that doesn't have passion. I especially can't be with him when I'm thinking about another guy occasionally.
I'm currently trapped in a job working with Mateo out of convenience for my family. But that "convenience" comes at the price of severe awkwardness for me. For the first month of my being back, whenever one of us would walk in a room, the other walked out. We couldn't hold eye contact and we made sure we never had to be around each other unless it was strictly related to the job. Eventually I apologized to him for ever admitting my crush because I didn't think I'd see him again. That strangely made things better and we've slowly slipped back into being semi-friendly coworkers. But unfortunately, my crush on Mateo didn't quite go away. It isn't all the way gone although I wish it was. Life would be sooooooooo much easier if I didn't constantly compare his qualities to Darren's and if I didn't find him so damn intriguing. It doesn't help that I find Mateo often staring at me when he thinks I can't see him. Does he like me? Does he not? Does it matter? We could never date, not really. He's my assistant manager now after a recent promotion. If things ended bad I'd have to quit my job.
***
End of the Entry Advice
Advice? Ha. None of you reading this entry probably need advice. I'm the messed up one. Anyone reading this diary probably would have been smart enough not to put themselves in a situation like this. Not me. Nooooo, I'm a special kind of stupid. I'm currently (sort of) dating a guy where I know I shouldn't. The idea of Darren being alone and never meeting anyone else because of his Aspergers makes me want to sob. He's amazing and I hate myself for feeling like this. Do you want to know what happened when Darren brought me around his entire family recently? His aunt commented how "she was so happy he finally found someone". So how do I cut ties with him for good? How do I let down his family like that? Darren has tried so hard to make us work. He tried showing more physical affection, he's just not into it and doesn't realize that a gal would want that in a relationship. It's his Aspergers, not him personally that hinders us working completely. Darren would do absolutely anything for me. He's a terrific person who treats me well and is one of my closest friends. I really do love him.
But sickly I still find multiple aspects of Mateo appealing. I enjoy our conversations when he's not acting like an immature brat. I like that he constantly challenges me to want to be better at the job. Throw in that I can't look him in the eye because he makes my knees weak and butterflies flutter in my stomach and then it's clearly obvious my feelings for him aren't platonic.
So I don't know what I should be feeling. I feel nothing but broken and sad. I'm dodging Darren's texts and trying hard to avoid being around Mateo at work. Part of me feels I should have stayed gone longer. Maybe I even should have dated other people. I came back to Wisconsin when I probably should have stayed gone longer to sort out my feelings. Or maybe instead of dating anyone, I should spend time alone. Maybe Darren and I could get back together if I start evaluating what it is I'm looking for in a person. Or maybe, time apart will help me see we're just not meant to be and we need to cut ties for good. Meanwhile, Mateo is unfortunately stuck in my head like a bad song that's constantly playing in the background.
I guess the best advice I can think of for myself is relatively simple; I should take time being alone. Maybe figuring out what I'm looking for in a guy and a relationship is what I really need to focus on right now. Part of me wonders if I should find another job once we hit a dead spot next month; maybe working in another department where I don't have to see Mateo or think of Darren would be easier. If anyone has any advice from their own experiences or anything that comes to mind, please feel free to share.
I dislike myself as I re-read this.
Until next entry,
The *not entirely single but reeeeallly should be* Single B!tch