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"I can't change the direction of the wind, but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination." —Jimmy Dean
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Chapter 31|Part 1
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I wrapped the blanket tighter around me, pulling out another tissue. I wiped my face, then eyes and nose.
I couldn't stop thinking the library. I didn't know if Kade suffered from extreme anger issues, or if he just took pride in embarrassing me, but either way, it was inexcusable. All I knew was that it hurt, really bad.
I didn't attend school for the rest of the week. My dad thought it was because of my mother, so he allowed it due to his guilty conscience. No matter how many times I tried to pull myself out of this room, I just didn't feel capable. I didn't feel strong, I wasn't. I felt weak, and that was partially why I just couldn't go. The other reason, I didn't want to confront just yet, if even at all.
My tears continued on. I reached for another tissue but my hand grazed an empty box.
As I stood to go get another box, I immediately felt like falling back in the bed.
I walked out of my bedroom, then headed down the hallway once I deemed it well enough. Once I had another box, I paused at the knock outside the door.
"Maybe they'll go away," I murmured to myself.
I heard another knock, louder this time. They definitely weren't going away.
I finally caved in at the third knock. Storming to the door, my anger followed up with each step.
I pulled the door open much harder than necessary. "What?" I snapped.
Raven's grin fell and slipped right into a frown. "You're not happy to see me?"
There was no pretending left inside of me. "Not really, no," I mumbled, wrapping my arms around myself.
Raven stepped into my home, running her eyes over me. "You've been crying."
I shook my head, attempting a smile. "I'm fine." I guess there was some left.
Her face fell as she sighed. "Come here," she consoled. She clasped her arms around me, pulling my body to hers. "What happened, babe?"
I shook my head, feeling the tears to overtake my voice. I couldn't speak for myself, only my tears could.
She pulled away, holding me at arms length. I stared down, afraid my eyes would betray the lengths of my hurt.
She nibbled on her lip for a moment, glancing me over. "Is it Kade?"
I nodded slowly. "Yes and no."
Her hand fell on my back as she led us away from the door. "Here, let's sit," she said, lowering us both to the couch.
"I—" Drawing in a patch of air, I dared myself to let it out. "It's my mom, too," I murmured, voice cracking.
Raven nodded, her eyes growing sympathetic. "What happened?"
I took the tissue she offered toward me, nodding as a thank you. "She called me."
Her brows drew in. "I thought she didn't have your number."
"Yeah." I shrugged, swiping at my eyes. "I thought so, too."
"Well, fuck her," Raven smiled with encouragement. "You don't need that type of negativity in your life, especially from someone like her."
I hadn't told Raven the entire story of my childhood; I was too ashamed. She only knew bits and pieces, and the rest she figured out on her own, but that was about it. I was far too embarrassed to tell her the entire thing, let alone tell her what happened with Ryland and my father.
I told her what happened at the library, nearly to the entire detail. Raven sat, astounded the entire time, but she did listen.
Once I was finished, her fists were clenched. "Someone needs to rip that guy a new one," she spat angrily, shaking her head. "Or at least kick his ass one good time."
I nodded in agreement, sighing. "Yeah, but I'm just done. I'm done with whatever the hell we had going on, and I'm done with him."
Raven smiled, nodding. "Good, because now you are a free woman. Now, let's get you even prettier, and head over to my house."
I groaned, glaring at the television of my living room. "Why can't we just sit here and watch tv?" My bones ached, my eyes were raw, and my emotions were too out of place.
Raven gaped at me. "Because it's Friday, and my house will be lonely without you there. Now come on, get yourself the hell up, and let's go," she encouraged before lifting me up by the hand.
"What are we even going to be doing?" I groaned out my words, dragging my feet to the bathroom.
"A lot of things, now suck it up babe," she grinned at me, then sat on my bed.
I left her there then got into the shower. I scrubbed endlessly at myself until my skin hurt. A week of sulking had done a lot to me.
Soon, I was dressed and ready in my overflowing hoodie and a pair of sweatpants.
Raven, who was leaning back on my bed by her palms, grinned once she saw me. "There, better?"
I shrugged, walking to my dresser. Raven waited patiently behind me until I was finished getting ready.
Raven laughed at my tired expression. "Now, c'mon. I'm sure Maggie and Jax are tearing at each other's throats right now."
Fuck.
I had forgotten that Maggie and Jax were coming, too. I guess I had gotten so used to having Raven all to myself, that perhaps it would take me a little bit longer to get used to other people coming along with us.
I followed behind Raven, who was beginning to ramble on about her and Levi's current relationship. They were only hooking up, but by her tone, I could guess that she definitely wanted more than that.
Raven's cherry red BMW was waiting right outside. The twins' were impatiently waiting inside, from what I could see.
"Guys!" Maggie yelled out the window, dark brows furrowed. "C'mon and get out here! I'm freezing my damn ass off out here!"
Jax snorted, rolling his eyes. "You can't lose something you never had, Mags."
Raven and I walked over, joining them inside of the car.
"Where have you been?" Jax asked, tapping on me. "We haven't seen you all week."
I turned toward him, pulling my lips into a false smile. "Uh, just been sick."
"Well, you're lucky that we still have another week on that project," Maggie said as Raven began to pull out my driveway.
I nodded. If I was honest, schoolwork was the last thing on my mind lately.
If my heart didn't beat on its own, I wouldn't have cared enough to get it to function properly. I knew that I was wrong for ditching Carter to do the project on his own, but I would make it up by doing my part next week. Plus, the asshole did kind of deserve it.
"Deep dish, here the hell we come!" Raven cheered out of her window, earning weird looks from the others on the road.
Maggie and Jax laughed at Raven's enthusiasm, yelling at her to turn up the radio. They all danced, and sung along—knowing that they were far out of tune—yet, they didn't seem to care. They laughed once we caught weird glances from the other passing vehicles.
I sighed, leaning against the window. I wanted to have a good time, I truly did, but in the moment, I knew that this would all be over soon. I knew that this was only a passing moment, one that would only be a distant memory of the past.
With my head pressed against the window, I felt the inner turmoil inside of me begin to twist and turn. The scars that lingered on my wrist and thighs, all ached with the reminder of myself.
I hadn't even noticed the ignition turn off before I heard, "Home sweet home."
The twins both eyed the house, then turned toward each other with a mischievous twinkle of their eyes. "Raven, we will apologize now, because we are absolutely going to rob this shit." Jax nodded in agreement.
Raven laughed, wiggling her eyebrows at them. "Thanks for the warning."
I, along with them, stepped out of the car. I looked toward the garage to see that her mother wasn't home again. Probably a business trip, if I could guess.
I lingered behind the three of them, watching as Maggie and Raven continued to converse. Jax—who eagerly listened—continued to offer his own input in the conversation, as well.
I knew I would have to adjust to having these two around Raven and I more. After all, I was the one who had introduced them to Raven. I just didn't expect the adjustment to be so isolating.
Fuck. How selfish could I sound? Raven was probably just trying to welcome them here, not trying to replace me. I needed to stop thinking negative before it affected the others around me.
***
"I'm telling you, it's her!" Jax shouted with a mouth full of popcorn.
"No, producers always want you to think it's the crazy one," Maggie said, stealing a piece of popcorn from his hand. "It's her sister, duh."
Raven shook her head, crossing her feet. "You're both wrong, it's obviously the quiet one."
Jax turned my way. "What do you think, Kimberly?"
Before I spoke, Maggie interrupted with words of her own,"Wait. Yeah, now I see it. It's the quiet one."
"Never mind," I mumbled, averting my gaze to my fingers.
They all continued to watch the thriller, constantly pausing to bicker about who the killer truly was. I continued to scold myself as my mind came up with treacherous thoughts about Maggie and Raven's newfound friendship. The more they lingered around each other, the more that nagging voice in my head yelled at me to leave, or to interject and solve this problem before it headed in a wrong turn. But, as always, I shoved that feeling down, and continued to stay in the darkness. Where I had started in the beginning.
It was hard: never experiencing friendship before. Now that I had it, I felt as if the smallest things would or could destroy it. And it was entirely selfish of me.
I trailed my hand through my hair, imagining myself in a different place, in a different time. Closing my eyes, I leaned back into Raven's pillow.
I allowed my mind to drift into a different scenario. I imagined myself to be in my mother's arms, surrounded by my brothers as we all talked about anything and everything. To be in a lie.
Because that was far from the truth. It was far from reality, yet my mind wanted to make it one so incredibly badly.
***
I woke with a jumpstart at the call of my name,"Kimberly!"
Jax stared down at me cautiously, then raised two glasses to me.
I sat up slowly, looking around me. "What?" There was no else here.
"Chocolate or vanilla?" he asked me, as if I already knew what he was talking about.
I looked at the glasses, still confused. "Huh?"
"Milkshake," he said, handing me one of the empty glasses. "You have to pick a flavor."
"Are you serious?" I asked, chuckling softly.
"I never joke about milkshakes." Jax's expression was entirely serious, eyes wide and center. "It's just us, so let's go and mess up Raven's kitchen."
I nodded slowly, addressing the dryness of my throat. I had fallen into a light slumber. "Where did Maggie and Raven go?" I asked.
He offered a hand to me, which I took. I followed him down the stairs as he clinked the glass across the staircase.
"They left to go rent a couple of more trashy ass movies," he snorted, waving the glass for emphasis. "They said they're going for more snacks too," he explained.
"Oh." I tried to hide my low frown, but I was sure Jax caught it with a glance of the eye. "I wish they would have woke me up."
"Eh, it's fine. Besides, we have each other, right?" he joked, bumping into my shoulder. "You'll find out I'm the best company around."
I nodded, attempting the smile he held. I guess he was right, it was better then being here alone.
Jax and I had never been around each other alone, so I could easily taste the awkwardness on the tip of my tongue as we carried on our conversation. Well he did. I simply listened and responded.
His hands continued to grab at the different ingredients needed to make two milkshakes. "Okay, here's the big decision. I mean absolutely life changing," he said, eyes wide.
I nodded, chuckling. "Let me have it."
"Okay," his chest sucked in as he leaned into my space, arms on the counter. "Would you like a chocolate or vanilla milkshake?"
I giggled at his expression. "Chocolate, of course." Jax grinned, obviously loving my answer. With a chuckle, he began on the mission.
"You know, once I had a guy over from practice, and right when I got his shirt off, he farted and ran off to the bathroom to go take a shit. Didn't eat chocolate for a while," he told me.
"Stop." I looked up at him, covering my mouth as I laughed. "You're kidding."
"Nope!" Jax grinned as he scooped the chocolate ice cream out. "It's a true story, I swear. I still have the dudes' number."
We were back in our silent dance, but it was less tense this time. Since he had made the conversation all night, I took the chance to say, "So, do you miss your home?"
He poured the milk into the blender, and I watched as his muscles turned in his arms. "Sometimes yes, sometimes no."
"What don't you miss?" I asked.
Jax chuckled, not raising his head from the blender. "I sure don't miss getting jumped by homophobes and being called a slur every other day of the week." His words lacked emotion, and I bet this was due to blockage.
I was silent while he blended the shake before saying, "And, the part you do miss?"
"The moments when I could catch those guys who beat me up alone, then return the favor," he chuckled. "The food was amazing too though."
My lips lifted into a smile. "At least they learned their lesson," I offered.
He shrugged, pouring the contents into the glasses. "So, who's that guy Raven said you liked?"
I froze.
Raven told them.
"What guy?" I tried to play stupid.
Jax eyed me over, sipping on his shake. "Oh, come on. You know who I'm talking about. What's his name?"
I nibbled on my lip, embarrassment shading my cheeks. "Uh...Kade."
He shoved my glass in front of me. "So, tell me about him," he urged.
I shrugged, suddenly feeling twenty different pairs of eyes on me. "Nothing really to tell."
Jax smiled, crossing his arms over his chest. "Hey, I told you something about me, so how about you tell me something about you?"
When I still didn't let up, Jax spoke up again,"I won't tell anyone, I promise. Not even Maggie. It'll just stay between us, and that's it."
I looked up from my glass, staring into his sharp green eyes. I didn't quite know if he was to be trusted, but I soon felt my desperation seep in. I grew tired of holding it in, only to be let down when I did let it out.
Tired, I let it out to him. He sat quietly as I told him the current events of what had occurred between Kade and I. I didn't let him in on the entire situation, but I was sure he got my point by the rows of emotions in everything I said.
After I was finished, Jax leaned back in his seat, thinking of what to say I assume. I waited impatiently, ready to hear his opinion of this mess.
"If you ask me, I think he's an idiot. You are too but like in an 'it's okay' way, y'know? It's pretty obvious you guys have feelings toward each other, but are too afraid to act on it," he let out, as blunt as possible.
"And, I kind of see why he made such a big deal at the library. Just think, what would you do if you just confessed a small part of your feelings toward him, just to be shut down then have another girl—who you hate—come outside with him. Now, on Kade's part, I get that, I do, but, I don't understand why he would take it that far to embarrass you. He can't expect much since he hasn't acted on any of his feelings toward you. You didn't deserve that, and don't you dare think you do. I think you should have slapped the shit out of him one good time," Jax expressed, using his hands to emphasize his point. "Or something of that nature."
I thought over what he said. Now, that I thought about it, it did seem a little sketchy. And, I had known Kade was never one to use his words to express his emotions, so why did I let him down so roughly when he did?
Either way, he wasn't right in his reaction. I didn't deserve it, and I wouldn't stand for that disrespect any longer. As hard as it would be, I could fake confidence until it was real.
Jax pulled out a stool, then sat down. "You know, I've been in your situation before. Well, sort of," he said with a truthful tone.
My eyes left my glass, raising to him. "Now you have to be kidding me."
"Nope," he replied, popping the p for emphasis.
I leaned forward in curiosity. "How'd you handle it?" I asked him.
"I didn't," he shrugged. "I just...let it carry it's course, pushing whenever we got close, but not pondering when we didn't," he explained.
I stared at him, slightly fascinated. "Any regrets?"
I watched as Jax's eyes began to gloss over, before he shut them tight then reopened them with a new sense of emotion. "I regret not caring enough about him as he did me. Hell, he was my savior most days, but I was the devil to his angel. Which is why I'm telling you, do whatever the fuck you want, because I didn't."
"If you want to, sit and use communication. Listen and set boundaries, learn more about the other. Respect each other, in every shape and form. If you can't do that, then it's not worth it," he paused to point a dripping spoon to me. "Humans, we sometimes doubt what we know is right, and bring our own damn heartbreak. If you're ever in that situation, just follow your heart. It sounds cliche but it's true."
Whoa.
I sucked in a breath at his advice. I'd never had another perspective so clearly read to me, but now that I did, I felt much more comfortable in my own head. Saying everything aloud helped tremendously.
I nodded, a true smile lingering on my face. "Thanks, Jax."
"You're welcome, girl," he grinned, swiping at his chocolate mustache. "You know, I've been thinking of majoring in psychology."
I laughed, glancing down at my milkshake. "Go for it."
We sat in silence for a second, before I spoke again. "Would you go back to your home if you had the chance?"
He snorted. "Fuck no. If only you knew how many times I had been arrested for aggravated assault, just for defending myself."
He sipped on his own milkshake, and I drunk mine as he continued to speak, "But, I guess I'm better now that I'm away from all of that. I mean, it still doesn't heal my scars, but at least I'm not making any new ones, you know?"
My heart immediately ached for him. "I'm sorry, Jax. Those guys were all insecure, hateful assholes; you're absolutely perfect the way you are. That doesn't and shouldn't change because of who you love."
I could tell something affected him far more then he let on when he reminisced over his hometown. By the slight clench of his fist, the darkness in his expression and the flare of his nostrils, his pain definitely lingered. I just didn't know if it were because of what he revealed or something else.
After catching my look of concern, he wiped his face free of anything else except happiness.
"Thank you," he replied, beaming before slurping loudly on the last of his shake. "Now, I don't want to sound full of myself, but these milkshakes are the—"
"We're back!" Raven shouted, shutting the door behind her and Maggie.
They both walked in with a bag in either hand. Raven grinned as she pulled out a bag of gummy candy and my favorite chips, tossing it to me. "I got those for you," she said. "I never forget my girl."
My heart clenched slightly at the small gift of compassion. Something tingled in my chest at the fact that she had remembered. "Thank you."
She waved it off as she unpacked the bags.
Maggie chucked. "Yeah whatever, best friends forever and all that sweet shit." At my giggle, she grinned before throwing the box of popcorn at Jax, who barely caught it. "Make yourself useful, you little bastard."
Jax rolled his eyes, placing the box down behind him. "Can I not get a please every once in a while?"
Maggie rolled her eyes, stepping closer to Jax. "No, but you can get a kick in the ass in one, two, three—" She jumped at her brother, causing him to scurry across Raven's living room.
Raven chuckled at them, stepping closer to me. "Those two are going to be the death of each other one day."
I laughed at her. "If they even last that long."
"You know...." Her hand grazed the top of the popcorn bag, before her head suddenly snapped up. "I have an idea."
This probably won't be good. "Yes?"
She grabbed my hands. "We should go and get manicures tomorrow."
Oh, that didn't sound so bad. You never knew with her.
I shrugged, pulling a bowl from her counter. "Sounds fun."
She raised her eyes to me in shock. "That easy?"
"What?"
"Usually you make me fight for it," she said cautiously, eyeing me down.
That was another thing I hadn't told Raven too much about. My anxiety, one of my lowest marks in life. She had only seen one attack, and that was when I had caught Kade with a girl. She had never seen the full swing of what could have happened.
I relaxed my shoulders, smiling. "Guess I'm a new girl."
Raven's face lit up, raising her plucked eyebrows. "That's what I like to hear. Maybe I can get you to try liquor now, too." Her eyebrows wiggled as her expression grew hopeful.
"I'm not that new," I giggled, leaning against her counter top.
"I knew it." Her lips poked out slightly as she sighed. "It's fine though. No pressure. YouI'll know if you're ready, but it's fine to not ever be, either."
I didn't think I'd ever be. I knew that I was supposed to be out, drinking myself to death, and doing whatever without a consequence. But, every time I even stepped close to an overindulge in alcohol, the scars of my past hit. And, they hit hard.
It never took much to trigger my mother's abuse. But, when she was drunk, if you breathed in her direction, she would make sure you never did it again. So, stepping near any alcohol never hyped me up too far.
Suddenly, Jax ran into the kitchen again, barreling right into me.
His expression was panicky. "Hide me!" he shouted, placing me in front of him.
Maggie ran right after him, swinging one of his shoes in her hand. A hand imprint was one on her jaw, but it didn't look painful. I guessed Jax made that. "You come out of hiding, you fucking crooked, no spine having ass bastard."
"Takes one to know one, bitch," Jax shouted from behind me, clenching my arms tightly as he shielded himself. When he thought the coast was clear, he took off in another direction.
Raven and I ducked as Maggie threw the shoe directly at the back of his head. By the thump and his curse, she definitely had aim.
I laughed with Raven as they continued to fight. Perhaps, I was wrong. Maybe I was meant to be here, in this moment.
Maybe.