❗️possibly triggering – mentions self harm
-Jaeden's POV-
It was Saturday and I was relieved that I could take a break from all the uni stress all week. It was a lot and I thought it would be a lot easier. But I'm still grateful since high school was literally worse than that.
You can leave uni whenever you want and can arrive whenever you want which you couldn't do in school. So whenever I had enough of all these people there, I could leave.
I found myself in my bed with a massive headache. I groaned at the thought what happened yesterday.
I fought with Wyatt about the situation with his one night stand. I told him that it was immature to bring someone in a dorm that isn't even his.
But mister 'I-Have-One-Night-Stands-In-Dorms-That-Aren't-Even-Mine' didn't give a single shit about the things that I said.
I tried to ask him nicely if he could stop it and he said that it was just one time but it was one time too much!
He mostly answered everything with 'mhm k' which basically means 'shut the fuck up, I don't care' and that was when I got a headache.
I decided I'd take a warm shower, that would most likely calm me down. Plus, Wyatt isn't here. He can't complain that I'm 'hogging the bathroom'. I wonder where he is though...
He's probably gone somewhere with whatever hoe was here yesterday.
Before heading into the bathroom, I opened one of my drawers and grabbed a razor. I don't like having hairy legs, but I'm scared that if I keep the razor in the bathroom that Wyatt will find it and judge me for shaving my legs because I'm a guy.
I stripped off my clothes and turned on the water, waiting until it was warm enough to step inside. The water ran down my back, relaxing me almost instantly. I read somewhere that the heat from baths or showers imitates the feeling of having someone holding you and the feeling of their body heat. That must be why I take such long showers, I realized.
My eyes moved to the razor that I put on the small shelf on the shower wall.
I wonder how Wyatt would react if he found it? I questioned. Would he not care? Would he laugh at me? Or would he think I'm using it for.. other things?
I felt a chill run down my spine. I don't exactly enjoy thinking about that...
I grabbed the razor and stared at the sharp metal edge, then I looked at the white scars on my thigh. My eyes were starting to water. I didn't bother wiping the tears away, considering my hands were soaked because, well, it's a fucking shower.
I didn't feel like thinking about that. I just wanted to relax. I shook the thought away.
I proceeded to wash myself with a body wash that smelled very strong. Wyatt's, I scoffed. He thinks he's so manly with his 'Old Spice' shit.
I shut off the water and grabbed a towel, wrapping it around my waist. I left the bathroom and grabbed a long hoodie and boxers. I dried myself off and put them on. I sat down with my legs crossed on my bed and started to read a book.
Shit! I didn't take the razor out of the shower...
I sighed and hopped off the springy mattress of my bed, hurrying to the bathroom in case Wyatt gets back. Although I'm still not entirely sure where the hell he even went.
I sat back down on my bed, with the razor in my hand this time. I couldn't help but notice that a few scars that were closer to my knee were visible.
Those scars are from years ago. More precisely, from when I was 15.
My mom wasn't around for most of my childhood, so I grew up living under my father's strict rules and controlling nature. I wasn't allowed to listen to any good music! He thought everything was evil and ruining my brain, it seemed. He hated a lot of my friends, who according to him were "bad influences" on me. Actually, my friends helped me through those nights where I thought I wouldn't be able to survive myself, while my dad was the reason I even had those thoughts. I felt like everything I did was a failure in his eyes and that nothing I did would ever be good enough.
These feelings got way worse when I first developed a crush on a boy. I was 14. I started to question if I was gay because I couldn't stop thinking that my friend Jeremy was cute. I didn't want to tell anyone, so I wrote it down in the journal I had at the time. My crush on Jeremy faded away eventually, but I still questioned every now and then.
Let's skip to a couple months later. I was in my bedroom reading, and then my dad shouted my name from the living room. I went downstairs only to see him sitting on the couch, holding my journal. It felt as if my throat had completely closed off and I couldn't breathe. Tears started to spill from my eyes as I made a desperate grab for my precious journal, but he stood up and held it high above his head and out of my reach. "Give it!" I cried, jumping up to try and grab it one last time before giving up and sinking down to the floor, sobbing on my knees with my head in my hands.
"Let's see..." my dad began flipping through pages, making me cry and freak out even more. "Dear diary," he read in a mocking tone. "I'm getting confused about things right now. Jeremy came over today and I couldn't stop staring at him for some reason. He has really nice eyes and a cute smile. I don't know if I'm gay though? Maybe I'm bisexual? I dated a girl before. Dad would fucking murder me. Jeremy is the only friend of mine he doesn't hate. I hope Jeremy doesn't find out either. He'd be weirded out and probably abandon me or something. –Jaeden."
My dad shouted at me for like a half hour about how he didn't raise a gay son and that he wouldn't accept me in a million years. For some reason, instead of lying and saying I'm straight, I stood up to him. "There's nothing wrong with liking boys!" I yelled, unable to cry anymore. He stormed out of the room and left me there, an emotional mess on the floor.
The next week, he took me to a therapist. He told me it was because of the depressing shit I was writing, but I figured out immediately once I began talking to her that it was to "straighten me out." What gave it away was that the first question she asked me was "So, when did you begin liking boys?"
I went to that therapist for about 4 months, then I refused to go any longer. All she did was make me feel like shit for liking guys.
I was so happy when I got to move out of the house. Finally, I could be myself and not have to worry that my father was going to yell at me for every single move I made.
I didn't realize that the entire time while I was reflecting, I was crying and literally ripping the razor apart with my bare hands in frustration. See, this is what happens whenever I think about my dad; Something breaks.
One of the blades inside fell out and onto my bed. I picked it up carefully, making sure to not cut my thumb open or something. My eyes darted back and forth from the blade, then to my bare thigh, then back to the blade.
Should I...?
I hesitantly started to drag the sharp edge over my pale skin above my knee. It barely made a scratch. Not even enough to draw blood.
I threw the blade on my dresser angrily and ran fingers through my damp hair anxiously. "What the fuck am I doing?" I said out loud to myself. I realized it was a mistake. I didn't want to fall into that trap again.
The doorknob clicked and the door swung open. I panicked and opened the top drawer as fast as I could and stuffed my broken razor inside, then slamming it shut.
"Hey Jae–" Wyatt walked inside and hesitated when he saw my nervous expression. "You good?"
I tried to get my breathing rate back to normal. "Y-Yeah. Why?" I asked, hoping he wouldn't question me. He raised an eyebrow. "Well, you're breathing really fast and you look a little terrified of something, just a hunch," he shrugged and set his phone and key down on the counter.
"Where were you, anyways?" I asked, wantinh to change up the subject. Wyatt took off his sweater and tossed it lazily on the chair. "I was hanging out with Nicole," he said. I almost rolled my eyes. Of course.
I layed back on the bed and stretched out a bit, Wyatt chuckled at me. "A little tired, I see?" I nodded in reply. "Yes."
Wyatt's phone went off, and he checked in a matter of seconds. "Finn's gonna be here in like 5 minutes," he told me. I scoffed. "So, do I have to leave this time?" I sassed, sitting back up. Wyatt held up his hands defensively. "Jeez, Jaeden! No need to get salty." He put his hands back down. "It's just Finn. Finn isn't a hot girl, now is he?"
I shrugged. "Nicole isn't even that hot.." I mumbled under my breath, keeping my eyes down. Wyatt raised an eyebrow. "What was that?"
I looked up at him innocently. "Nothing.." And he just half-nodded and walked over to the bathroom.
Once he was out of my sight, I let out a huge breath of relief.
written by: @jyattsmom (beginning) and @-jababin (middle to end).
heyy it's jos. long time no see :P
my memory is crap and i totally forgot about this story until earlier lol whoopsie. ALSO sorry i keep changing my username😂
hope u enjoyed :) xoxo
–jos💕💕