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The next week was a rush of activity as I got settled back at home with my family, reconnected with friends, spent time with Jamie, and somewhere in there, managed to find a part-time summer job picking up shifts as a lifeguard at my parent's club; which was perfect as it left my nights free. I'd also found out about a few open mic nights, and was working up the courage to go to some and try out my original material.
A week after Kelly and I had gone to see Ron and James play at the Concert Factory in Costa Mesa, we were back to see their follow-up show. The band debuted their new song Seek and Destroy, and the crowd went wild for it, quickly picking up on the chorus and shouting the lyrics back at the band. James and the rest of the guys were grinning like crazy as the song became a call and response that they hadn't anticipated but totally worked.
The next day was the Fourth of July and fortunately I was not scheduled to work, so I was able to join a big group that was heading out to the beach for a bonfire and fireworks. I'd invited Kelly and we made arrangements to pick up Jamie and Ron on the way. Daringly, I decided to wear a skimpy white bikini that showed off my new tan and figure. I was tugging on the tie around my neck as we pulled up to get the guys.
"Leave it alone Leila. You look amazing," Kelly scolded from the driver's seat as she laid on the horn.
I had left off wearing a t-shirt while on the way to the beach, opting to just go with the bikini top and shorts. Now I was regretting my decision to not to cover up more.
"Are you sure I don't look too slutty?" I looked down at my generous cleavage and felt a wave of anxiety.
"You look gorgeous. Besides, we live in Southern California, I know girls who spend the entire day in bikinis; people aren't gonna judge you."
"It's not the 'people' I'm worried about," I mumbled, sinking further into my seat.
She shot me a sideways look. "Hon, please. You've tried the subtle approach with that boy, it's time to bring out a sledgehammer. And you in that bikini is exactly that."
"Grrreat." I slunk down even further.
"Come on, stop yer bitchin'. Work what god gave you, and that boy won't know what hit him."
I had to laugh at that, her good humor was too infectious to ignore. Besides, it was a beautiful day and I was out with my best friends...I wasn't going to waste it with a bad attitude.
"Yer right. I need to get over myself."
Just then, the front door opened and the boys came out, hauling a cooler and various bags of stuff. Taking a deep breath, I got out and leaned back against the car, trying my best to look casual but sexy. At least I hoped that's what I was pulling off. I was watching for Jamie's reaction, but he was too far away to read his face.
"Hey guys!" Kelly called out.
"Ladies," Ron replied, smiling cheerfully. "Lookin' good."
I could hear Kelly giggle and watched as he came around to give her a hug and kiss. Jamie raised an eyebrow at their PDA as he wandered over to me.
"Hey Shorty. Ready for the beach?"
"Don't I look ready?" I asked suggestively as I motioned to my scantily clad body.
He got a deer in the headlights look and instantly I took pity on him, knowing I'd set him up with a pretty loaded question.
"I'm totally ready for a day at the beach." I smiled, noting how his face relaxed. "It'll be great to see everyone."
"Yeah, well you'll be glad to know that Dave won't be there. He's hangin' with some of his friends and Lars is goin' with him."
"I'm not even gonna pretend that that didn't just make this day even better." I grinned cheekily. "Poor Lars though."
James grinned back at me as we grabbed their stuff and put it in the trunk, before hopping into the backseat while Ron kept Kelly company in the front. The music was turned up loud, and we joined the thousands on the Southern California freeways making their way to the beach.
With traffic, it took us well over an hour to get down to Huntington Beach, but we did get lucky and found a parking spot fairly quickly. Loading ourselves up with gear, we headed down to the designated meeting spot on the beach. Hugh, Mike and a couple other guys had gotten there earlier in the day, and managed to secure a cement fire pit. There was a bunch of good natured ribbing and catcalls as we greeted them, and I introduced the guys to Kelly, who was promptly adopted into the tribe. She and I set up the umbrellas and blankets that we'd brought, and immediately lotioned up and laid down to sun ourselves as the guys stood around talking, drinking beers and throwing a football.
Throughout the next couple hours, more of our friends arrived, including, I was happy to see, Jim and Melissa. Mel and Kelly hit it off instantly, and I left them happily chatting as I made my way down to the water to cool off. Hearing my name being called, I looked back to see Jamie jog up.
"Can I join ya?"
I raised a teasing eyebrow at his formality. "Like you even have to ask."
He grinned wide, and side by side we stuck a tentative toe in the water. It felt almost too cool, having warmed up in the sun. James saw my hesitation and grabbed my hand, tugging insistently as I followed him in. The feel of my hand in his was a good distraction from the cold. When the water was at our waists, we both dove in, breaking the surface a few yards further out. We stayed in for a while swimming and talking, the cool water now feeling good against my skin.
I was splashing playfully at James, when suddenly he got a strange look on his face. Without warning, he reached out and grabbed me by the waist and yanked me against him hard, while at the same time, pulling us through the water. Peripherally, I saw a flash of color as a guy on a boogie board rushed past, barely missing me by inches. Jamie came to a stop in chest deep water, and I only realized then that I'd automatically looped my arms around his neck as he'd steered me out of the path of the boarder. We were wrapped up tight in each other's arms, and quickly I became aware of the heat of his hands on my back and waist, the way my nipples were hardening and rubbing against his chest, the smoothness of his skin under my fingers. We stayed like that for a handful of breathless moments, until finally I looked up shyly to see if was as affected as me. But his head was turned, and all I could see was his jaw clenched tight.
"Fuckin' asshole." I finally heard him mutter.
No, he wasn't affected at all.
"Thanks...thanks for savin' me." I let out a shaky breath.
He nodded grimly but still wouldn't look down at me, his focus on something in the distance; I assumed he was looking for the boogie boarder to go chew him out. Reluctantly, I pulled out of his arms and finally he looked down at me, his expression unreadable.
"Are you OK?"
"Yeah"—I nodded—"but I'm gonna head back."
"Alright, I'm gonna stay out here for a few more minutes."
I smiled to mask my frustration, and then slowly made my way out of the water and up through the crowded sand to our friends. Kelly and Mel were speaking quietly, their heads close together. They broke apart almost guiltily as I approached.
"What are you two talkin' about?" I asked as I squeezed out the excess water from my hair.
"Just comparing notes," Mel answered quickly.
"Oh yeah? About what?"
Mel opened her mouth, but Kelly cut her off. "Boys." I noticed her give Mel a look, but quickly she looked back to me, her smile suspiciously innocent. "How they drive us crazy but we're crazy about them anyway."
"Totally crazy," Mel agreed, her eyes overly bright.
I knew that they were lying, but I was too distracted by my moment with James to pursue it. Laying down on my blanket, I felt him lay down next to me a few minutes later. We were quiet for a little while, the summer sun warming me back up. The heat was a reminder that I needed to put on some lotion, and I opened my mouth to ask one of the girls, when I realized this was a perfect opportunity to create an intimate moment with the clueless boy falling asleep next to me.
"Jamie?"
"Hmm?"
"Could you put some suntan lotion on my back before I burn?"
"Uh...what about Kelly or Mel?" came his mumbled reply.
I tried not to feel discouraged.
"I don't wanna bother them and yer right here. Please?"
"Yeah, OK," he muttered halfheartedly as he got up on his knees next to me.
I heard him squirt the lotion onto his hands and I focused on keeping my breathing even as his hands made contact with my back. I couldn't stop from shivering though.
"You alright?"
"Yeah." I nodded, before stretching the truth. "The lotion was cold."
He murmured an apology as he started spreading the liquid over my back, his movements becoming slower and more thorough with each stroke. His hands ran up and down my body, massaging into my arms, neck and shoulders, and down low on my back, just stopping at the curve of my ass. Then he worked the lotion into my calves, taking his time as he slowly moved his way up the back of my thighs. Unconsciously, I spread my legs a little to give him access to the inside of my legs, and I felt him hesitate a moment before his fingers moved slowly to graze along the sensitive flesh of my inner thighs. I was breathing heavy now and I prayed he wouldn't notice as his hand edged ever higher. I was almost squirming with desire when suddenly he snatched his hands away and laid back down on his stomach next to me.
"Yer all good." His voice was muffled as laid his head on his folded arms.
"Th...thanks." I was so turned on, I could barely get the words out.
We laid there for another five minutes when I realized I'd never offered to lotion him up. I wasn't going to miss the opportunity if I could help it, so I cleared my throat to get his attention.
"Did...did you want me to put some on yer back too?"
He turned his head to look at me, his hair falling over his face.
"Yeah, sure. Thanks."
Smiling to myself, I pushed up into a kneeling position. Looking around for the lotion, I noticed it on the other side of where James was laying. Rather than ask him to simply hand it to me, I stretched over him, angling myself so that my breasts rested against his back for a few moments while I retrieved the bottle.
"Oh sorry," I murmured, though I wasn't in the least.
He stayed quiet while I started with his arms and worked my way down to his shoulders and back, taking my time as I massaged the lotion into his tight muscles. His face was turned towards me, his cheek resting on his crossed arms, eyes closed. I leaned down towards him, making sure my lips brushed up against his ear.
"How does that feel?" I asked, my breath catching in my throat.
"So fuckin' good," he groaned softly.
Heat pooled low in my belly at the all-out sexiness of his words and tone. Sitting back up, I moved down to massage the lotion into his legs, working just up and under the hem of his swim shorts. Suddenly I had the sensation of being watched, and I looked up to find both Kelly and Mel watching me, shit eating grins plastered on their faces. Kel even had the audacity to give me a thumbs up. Shaking my head, I finished up and laid back down on my belly, my hearting pounding in my own ears as I closed my eyes and tried to push away the feel of his warm skin and firm muscles under my hands. If I wasn't careful, I was going to throw caution to the wind and show him exactly how good things could be. I sighed without realizing it.
"What's wrong?" he mumbled next to me.
"No, yeah, I'm good. Just super relaxed ya know?"
"Yup, I feel like I couldn't move a muscle...even if my hair was on fire."
I laughed softly. "Is that a good thing?"
"Hell yeah. I'm at the beach with my friends...and you. Life is pretty fuckin' awesome."
I had to agree...life was pretty fucking awesome.
He stayed by my side for the next few hours as we lazed in the sun, ate the sandwiches I'd brought, and talked and laughed with our friends. The beach had really started to fill up and our group had grown pretty large as the afternoon wore on. Someone had brought a boom box, and rock and metal were blasting while we rotated between sunbathing, playing Frisbee, and taking swims to cool off.
In the evening, the beach cleared out of older folks and families, leaving younger groups clustered around bonfires like ours. We roasted hot dogs and s'mores while beer and shots were flowing freely, amping up the festive vibe. The air had started to cool, so I put on some shorts and a t-shirt and was rooting around in my bag for the sweater I was almost certain I'd packed.
"Lose something?" Jamie asked as he wandered up, beer in hand.
"I could have sworn I packed something warm to wear, and now I can't find it."
"I've gotcha covered, you can use my sweatshirt."
"But won't you get cold?"
He shrugged as I watched him look through the bag of stuff he'd brought from home. Straightening up, he looked around perplexed.
"That's weird. I can't find my sweatshirt and I know I threw it here with the chips and beer we brought."
I caught a faint giggle and looked towards the fire pit to see Kelly quickly avert her eyes. I knew she was involved somehow. I was going to kill her.
"Here"—Jamie was handing me my beach blanket—"use this."
I shook my head. "No, you should use it instead. I'll be fine, I'll just squeeze in over at the fire."
We both looked over at the heavily populated fire pit. Space was at a premium, and most of the couples had doubled up with girls sitting between their boyfriend's legs. Suddenly Kelly's objective became clear. I was definitely going to kill her.
"Come on." James nodded towards the fire and I followed him over, wondering what he had in mind.
He found the last open spot and motioned for me to sit. As I scooted closer to the fire, I felt him take a seat behind me, his long legs stretching out on either side of my hips as he settled himself against my back. Wrapping the blanket over his shoulders, he draped the material to cover my legs so that I was completely protected from the cold, sandwiched between the heat from the fire and the heat from his body. I wasn't sure which one was penetrating deeper.
"How's that?" he murmured near my ear. "Warm enough?"
"Mmmhmm."
He chuckled softly and I leaned back against him just a little. The boom box was still playing music from one of the many local rock stations, and Open Arms came on. I couldn't help but feel that the romantic mood of the song underscored the moment; the night sky, the ocean, wrapped up in his arms. Not that Jamie was noticing as he laughed at some comment made by Hugh across the fire from us.
Just then the fireworks show started, startling me. James looked down and smiled, tightening his arms around me as I nestled closer against his chest. He didn't seem to mind though as we watched the explosives lighting up the sky, the accompanying booms reverberating through the air and causing me to jump every time. He'd just laugh a little and squeeze me comfortingly, or murmur something teasing in my ear. My happy meter was off the charts.
Ok, maybe I wasn't going to kill Kelly after all. In fact, I think I was going to have to swallow my pride and thank her.
~
A week later, I was wearing out the rug in my room as I paced back and forth, stopping occasionally to stare at the phone accusingly. It wasn't the phone's fault my stomach was tied up in knots, but somehow it made me feel better to pretend lasers were shooting from my eyeballs, rendering it useless. If that were true, then I wouldn't have to try and work up the nerve to use it. I was not doing a good job of working up the nerve.
Tonight was an open mic up at a dive in West Hollywood. It was a random Tuesday night, which meant the place would be far from full, but I'd played packed houses up in Berkeley and never had these kind of nerves. Tonight was different, tonight I would be playing original music that I'd written over the last couple years. I'd never shared them with anyone, not even Jamie, and now I was going to stand before strangers and open myself in the most vulnerable way possible. I was terrified. Which was why I was pacing and why I was considering ways to "accidentally" destroy my phone. I needed Jamie there with me, but I dreaded having him there with me when the songs I would be performing were inspired by my feelings for him. Writing had been my outlet, my release valve when I had no other way to express my frustrations. And now I had to stand in front of my creative muse and bare myself? I would have appreciated the irony if I wasn't too busy being a complete basket case.
Coming to a decision, I reached for the phone and dialed James' number before I lost my nerve. He answered after two rings.
"Hey...it's Leila."
"You sound weird, everything alright?"
"Yeah...no...yeah."
I heard him chuckle on the other end. "I didn't realize this was gonna be a multiple choice conversation."
"Ha ha." I paused uncertainly. "I dunno if I'm ok or not. I'm actually tied up in knots right now."
"What's goin' on?" All teasing was gone as I heard the concern in his voice. "Do you need me to come over?"
"No, it's not anything for you to worry about. I...um...there's an open mic tonight and I signed myself up for it." The words came out in a rush.
"No shit? That's awesome! Wait, why are you freakin' out, you've performed plenty of times."
"Yeah well, I've never performed my own original songs before."
"Wait, you never told me you were writing. That's fantastic Leila, I'm really proud of you."
"Yeah, well, you haven't heard it yet, so maybe you should hold yer applause." I took a deep breath. "Which is why I'm callin'. I wanted to know...if maybe you'd come with me. Cheer me on ya know?"
I barely got the question out before he was agreeing enthusiastically. "Hell yeah, of course I'll come! You've been to enough of my gigs and shit over the years, I more than owe ya." His voice quieted a little. "Plus, I wanna be there for you. I know how...how scary it is to put yer music out there. It's a piece of you and now yer puttin' it out there for people to judge. And I know I say fuck 'em if they don't like it, but that don't make it any easier to get up there and do it. So yeah, of course I'm in."
"Thanks Jamie. I'll pick you up at 7."
"Cool. And Leila...yer gonna do great. I believe in you, I always have."
I felt the warmth of his words fill me from the top of my head to the tips of my toes as I hung up the phone. It stayed with me as I got ready, carefully picking out just the right outfit and doing my hair and make-up. It stayed with me on the drive to pick up Jamie, up until the point he walked out the door of his house, and then I was reminded that I was going to be laying all my feelings bare. Would he suspect that they were about him, would this be the night that everything blew up in my face? It was too late to run as he bounded down the walkway and got in the car. One look at my panic stricken face, he made me switch spots and drove us north, shooting me concerned looks every so often.
Too soon we arrived at the club. Grabbing my guitar, he guided me inside, giving my name to the guy who was managing the night's talent. He sat me down in a chair and came back with a large shot of something. I looked at him questioningly.
"Just drink it. One swallow."
I did as he instructed, wincing at the harshness of the alcohol as it hit my throat. Quickly though, I felt warmth return to my extremities as the booze did its job.
Jamie nodded knowingly. "It'll take the edge off yer nerves, trust me on that." He looked at me squarely. "Yer gonna be fine. Better than fine, yer gonna be amazing. Just relax, breathe and let the music come."
Before I could say anything my name was called, and throwing one last panicked look in Jamie's direction, I grabbed my guitar and made my way slowly to the stage. Someone came and adjusted the mics for my vocals and guitar and I took the moment to look out into the crowd. As I suspected, it wasn't that busy, maybe thirty or so patrons sitting around small tables drinking and talking. Half of the people seemed completely disinterested in whatever was happening on the stage, while the rest were regarding me with various looks and making up their minds already; the guys seemed happy to ogle and the women assumed I was a waste of time Barbie doll. Knowing I was probably being written off so easily, suddenly I felt anger mix with the alcohol flowing through my veins, and it proved to be just the right combination to kick my nervousness to the curb.
The guy finished adjusting the mics and I stepped forward. "My name's Leila McKinnon and I'm gonna..."
"Yer gonna kick some ass!" James shouted from his table a couple rows back.
"Hell yeah I am." I grinned at him.
I started with a cover of It's Only Love by The Beatles, figuring I needed to ease into my originals. Looking out, I could see the people stopping their conversations to listen, and when I finished the song, the applause was genuine and enthusiastic. Smiling wide, I did another couple covers and then finally one of my originals titled Don't Say You're Sorry, imbuing the song with soulful longing and pain. The second original, The Only Thing, was an unapologetic love song, and I found myself smiling wistfully out into the audience, the lyrics recounting an unrequited love story that was very close to my heart.
By the time I finished off my set, I was a mix of raw nerves and emotions; relieved to have made it through without falling apart, gratified at the response from the crowd, and scared of Jamie's reaction. Stepping off the stage, people stopped me to express their appreciation as I made my way back to James. I could tell that for some, the lyrics really hit home for them too.
Arriving back at the table, Jamie was standing up with his hands in his pockets as he watched me approach, a pleased grin on his face. Taking my guitar and laying it back in the case, he pulled me in for a hug.
"You were fuckin' incredible." He spoke with a quiet intensity against the top of my head. "You owned that stage, the audience, this whole damn place."
"Thanks, that means a lot." I hugged him close.
He finally pulled back so that he could look at me, sincerity making his eyes bright. "The songs you wrote—"
"Too mushy?" I interrupted. "I know they're not yer usual thing, but—"
"Leila, shut up for a second." He smiled, taking the sting out of his words. "I may prefer heavier music and I'm not usually a sucker for love songs, but what you performed up there was really beautiful. I mean it. So emotional and honest. Even I was moved, and I'm not a chick or a guy hung up on love, but you took me there anyway. You did that. Yer voice, the melody, the lyrics...you made me feel it. So be fuckin' proud of yourself, cuz I sure as hell am."
I didn't know what to say to that so I hugged him again, and then pulled away and sat down before I embarrassed myself. We stayed a while longer and watched a couple other acts perform before heading back home. James drove my car back, which I appreciated as I was still amped up over the show and distracted. Half way home, just as I finally started to relax, I noticed that he was giving me sideways looks from the driver seat, his expression becoming more pensive with each mile.
Before I could ask him what was wrong, he broke the silence. "So who's the guy?"
I was so surprised by the question, I almost missed the tension in his voice. "What guy?"
"The guy you sang about tonight. I didn't think about it earlier, but now it occurs to me....lyrics that deep, you must be singin' about someone real. So who's the mystery guy, someone you met up in Berkeley?"
He seemed angry, which was completely out of left field. Did he think I wasn't being honest with him, that I'd been keeping secrets from my best friend? I was, but not in the way he thought.
"There's no mystery guy and no I haven't met someone in Berkeley."
His shoulders seemed to relax.
"Then what was that all about?"
"I...I don't hafta know firsthand what an emotion feels like to be able to write about it. People write about a whole lotta stuff they never experience."
"I guess," he muttered. "Just seemed like when you were singin' up there...I was watchin' yer face...and it seemed like you were tappin' into something real. You may be able to write about whatever"—he waved a hand around—"but to make an entire room full of people feel it too, I dunno."
"Maybe...maybe what you felt was the hope I have that I'll find that kind of love someday. Hope that someone will wanna love me with their whole heart, and I'll feel the same way back. Hope is a pretty powerful emotion. It can keep you goin'...even when everything is tellin' you to give up."
Wistfulness began to creep into my voice and I was hoping that he wouldn't notice.
"I wouldn't even know how to let myself believe in something like that. Life kicks you in the nuts and you either fall on yer face or you shake it off and keep movin' forward."
"So yer sayin' that hope is for fools?" I asked softly.
We'd come to a red light and Jamie took the opportunity to turn to look at me, his eyes unreadable in the dim light.
"Nope...it's just not for everyone. It's not for me. I don't believe in things I can't touch or make happen for myself. I've seen too much of what happens when you believe in things that aren't real." His jaw clenched tight. "You just set yourself up for disappointment."
The light turned green and James' attention went back to the road ahead. It always hurt to hear him talk so cynically. He was young, his life was just starting, but already he'd been hardened by painful lessons. I wished there was a way for me to show him that life was also about taking leaps of faith sometimes, knowing that the things you couldn't see, like love and hope, were worth believing in and fighting for. Because when all was said and done, they were the things that mattered most.