A few of you guys said Ariana Grande's song 'Why Try?' reminds you of Lacey and Carter so I put it on the side for those of you who haven't heard it yet. :)
Dedication: Everlark_infinity for the amaaaazing cover on the side. I love it! Thank you so much. :) x
Recap:
"He looks like he wants to kill me," Aiden laughed softly, although I knew it was fake. I'd be scared of Carter if I was in Aiden's position as well.
Knowing that I shouldn't, I glanced over my shoulder at Carter. His eyes were narrowed into slits as he glared at our entwined hands. I had never seen him look so angry. Without any warning, he spun on his heel and stomped towards the house. I stared at the muscles on his back, a little dazed. The slam of his front door made me jump in alarm and effectively brought me back to reality. I closed my eyes, annoyed at how distracted I got whenever I was in his vicinity.
I'm not sure why, but I instantly dropped Aiden's hand and began to hug myself. Although Aiden is my boyfriend and we just shared the most amazing time together, I felt wrong holding his hand. Swallowing, I shouldered around him, feeling terrible for no particular reason.
"Let's get inside and see what's for dinner," I said casually, not wanting him to pick on my mood change. I forcefully shoved all images of Carter outside of my mind and into a folder I do not want to open any time soon.
Why can't I ever get him out of my head?
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"How are you feeling today?"
"Annoyed to be back in this position to be honest," I stated bluntly, a sigh escaping my lips. I folded my arms defensively across my chest. At the end of our sessions, I had begun to feel quite comfortable with her. That had been lost since we stopped meeting regularly.
Today was my first session back with Dr. Marez, my counsellor. It was compulsory that I had weekly meetings with her as an agreement to being let out of hospital. I tried not to be annoyed but I couldn't help feel a little exasperated. The stupid stunt I pulled set me back months of therapy according to everyone. I was really beginning to regret my actions. I had been too self-absorbed, yet again, to consider what I would do to everyone around me. It made me question everything, really. I never thought I would be one to attempt to commit suicide (honestly wasn't my intention), but here I am, second time around.
She offered me a small smile which was filled with understanding. "I know it is hard for you to be back here, but it worked last time and it can work again. Help me help you."
I nodded, rolling my lips into my mouth. I felt uncomfortable. My spine felt stiff. My hands were placed awkwardly in my lap and my eyes were darting around the room. I wasn't sure whether to look her in eye or not.
"Lacey," she murmured softly, giving me a small smile. "Relax. You've been here before, it's not that scary, is it? I don't bite."
"It's been a while," I said, wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans. "I feel as though so much has changed within me as a person. I don't know where to begin or what to talk about really."
"How about we talk about school," she suggested, reclining back casually. "We will get to the bigger matters when you're ready."
I wonder who what will be about? I thought bitterly.
"School's okay, when I manage to make it through a whole day without getting angry and leaving."
"So your anger management strategies aren't working?"
"They do, kind of. The breathing, the counting and all that does work but I just hate going to school when I'm surrounded by fake friends and fake people, all dying for acceptance that will mean nothing once we leave." I felt my cheeks begin to grow hot. I swallowed, leaning back, tightening my arms in front of me. "So, I dislike going to school. I dislike the teachers, the classes and the people. There's really not all that much hope for me, is there?"
"There is always hope."
"Yeah," I muttered dryly, casting my gaze down. "For some."
"For all." she murmured softly. "It's hard for you to see that, but there is always hope. Have you tried sitting with a new group of friends? Or even considered changing schools?"
"Is there really any point though? The same drama will happen at a different school. Sitting with a different group will not change anything. My best friend, who I realised I actually haven't liked for a long time, is a back-stabbing liar and the love of my life is not much better."
"Carter?" she asked, knowing straight away who he was, from our last sessions. "Is he still giving you trouble?"
"I don't want to talk about it."
"It might be good to-" she began but I interrupted her.
"Can we change the subject?"
She stared at me for a few moments. I mean she really stared, as if calculating my every thought, trying to figure something out. After a stare-down, she did what I asked.
"Let's talk about your family." she began, jotting a few things down on her notepad, which I wanted to pry from her hands and look at. I sighed, rubbing my hands over my face.
Therapy sucks.
***
I trudged in through the front door, dragging my feet. I softly shut it and leaned back, feeling emotionally drained. I rubbed my hands over my face wearily, wanting nothing more than to curl up in bed and read a book. That was something I haven't done in a while. With that decision being made, I maneuvered myself towards the kitchen, to make myself some noodles before I entered my room for the evening.
Striding in, I made a beeline for the cupboard. I paused, seeing mum's back to me, her shoulders shaking. Her cries met my ears and my stomach clenched painfully. Slowly, I wandered towards her and rested a hand on her shoulder.
"Mum?"
She jumped in alarm, clearly not realising I was there. Her cheeks were tear-stained and her eyes puffy. She hastily wiped at her face. This moment caused a rush of panic in me. It reminded me of the time she told me I had to go live with Carter.
"I-I didn't see you there," she stammered, a little breathless.
"What's wrong?" I asked, my voice small and full of concern.
"I failed." she hiccupped, the tears flowing down her face. "I failed you as a parent and I am so sorry, Lacey."
"What are you talking about?" I exclaimed, grabbing both of her shoulders and squeezing. "You're the most amazing mother in the world. What would make you think that?"
"If I were a good parent, I would have seen you depressed. I would have realised there was something wrong. You wouldn't have tried to kill yourself."
Guilt flooded through me at her words. I felt physically ill. Pulling her to me roughly, I clutched her body tightly against mine.
"Don't you ever say that you're a bad parent for what I did. I was the selfish one who did this and didn't think of the others around me."
"When people are depressed they don't think of others, their own problems and worries consume them until they can't take it anymore. You told me you didn't want to go to Carter's but I sent you there anyway. If I lost you..." Her worlds trailed off and a heart-clenching sob tore from her throat. She engulfed me tighter, as if she couldn't squeeze me hard enough. "Y-you tried to tell me and I didn't-"
"Shh," I soothed, rubbing her back. "Stop. I'm here and I won't do it again. It wasn't you that caused this. It was a mixture of things. I didn't want to kill myself, I promise. I just wanted my emotional pain to stop. I didn't think about the consequences. I love you. I love dad. I'm sorry."
We gripped each other, as if our lives depended on it. Tears were streaming down my face, my mouth becoming hot and sticky. We stayed in each other's embrace for a long time. I didn't mind though, I just needed her to hold me.
"Tell me, okay? Tell me if you ever feel like doing that again." she murmured, her crying having seized.
"I won't ever do it again. Or want to."
"I hope not. I couldn't handle losing you, too."
More tears burned at my eyes and I buried my face against her.
This moment made me realise I really I needed to change.
***
The moment I saw her, I knew something was going to happen. I don't know how, or why, but I just did. Her vibrant red hair was the first to catch my attention as she made her way over to my table. She had bright green eyes and smooth pale skin. Out of the all the people who had vacant chairs beside them, I'm not sure why the teacher directed her to me, but I knew she would.
Anna was the new girl at our school. I noticed Mercedes watch with narrowed eyes as she maneuvered her way over to me. Yes, I was back at school. Yes, it sucked, but I was dealing with it the best I could. By 'best' I mean avoiding everyone and sticking to myself. Whispers followed me everywhere I went. I was the school gossip, yet again. A smile curved around her lips as she perched beside me.
"Hey."
"Hey," I replied, a little curious of her. "I'm Lacey."
"I know."
"Anna."
"I know."
She smirked back.
"How do you know who I am?" I asked her, quirking my eyebrow.
"Well, you're the talk of the school, of course." she said dramatically, her lip gloss coated lips still in a smirk. "Love triangles, attempted suicide..."
"I see your point." Not flinching at the word suicide, which she was expecting, I'm sure.
"I knew I had find this infamous Lacey Adams."
"You found her."
"Which one is Mercedes?" she asked me. Clearly, she didn't care about prying. I let out a laugh, surprisingly. She didn't muck around. Usually I would get miffed at someone wanting to know my business, but for some reason I wanted to tell her. I wanted her to be my friend. I suppose that's what happens when you're lonely.
"Mercedes?" I asked, rolling my tongue across my teeth. "That would be her, in the flesh."
I pointed across the room, not being subtle. Our eyes met and her mouth opened, as if she wanted to say something to me, but I turned back to Anna.
"We hate her, right?"
"She's pregnant with the child of my ex-boyfriend. So yeah, we hate her."
"Alright, duly noted."
I breathed a laugh, rolling my eyes. I liked her already. She was extremely easy to talk to, which meant whatever lesson I was in melted around me as we exchanged conversation. I jumped slightly as the bell rang. That class went quick. We parted ways outside the classroom as I made my way towards the door that would lead me outside. It was nice actually talking to someone. Yeah sure, I have small conversations here and there, but I didn't want to know many people from my year. I didn't like many of them.
"What are we doing this afternoon?" she asked casually, plopping down beside me as I lay sprawled in the shade of one of the large, chestnut, oak trees that boarded that yard of school. I squinted up at her, half shielding my face.
"I'm going for a run."
"You run too? Let's meet up and join circuits. Not that I have one yet, but I'll figure one out pretty quickly."
"Why do you want me to be friends with me?" I asked rudely. "Sorry, but of all people to choose from..."
"You're interesting." she shrugged. "I'm new, I need all the friends I can get and you don't look like you're all that popular right now either."
"Gee, thanks." I said sarcastically. "You're not going to gain many more being with me."
She rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean. You clearly are a bit anti-social though."
"I am, so if you don't mind," I said, shooing her away although I was actually enjoying interacting with another human apart from Aiden, my counsellor, parents or the teachers.
"Don't be like that. Where's Aiden?"
"You're relentless."
"Thank you," she replied with all seriousness.
I sighed, resting back. "He will join me soon I'm sure. You can meet him then."
"Yay!"
It wasn't long before I heard his footsteps ascend towards me and I knew it would be him. Lazily, I left my eyes closed. He crouched down beside me and patted my head awkwardly.
"Hey," he murmured.
"Aiden, Anna, Anna, Aiden." I waved my hand almost dismissively, still not opening my eyes.
They exchanged a few words, getting to know each other but I hardly paid any attention. I was too tired and enjoying my own thoughts at the moment.
"Want to hang out this afternoon?" Aiden asked, nudging me with his knee to get my attention.
"I have plans already with Anna," I said, peering through one open eyelid. "Sorry."
Anna turned her green orbs to me, one eyebrow quirked curiously. I stared back challengingly. She was going to interrogate me on that later, I just knew it, seeing as that I wasn't all that keen to give up my alone time this afternoon to spend with her anyway.
"Oh, alright."
I bit my lip, casting my eyes downward. Things were fine with him, but now that I was back with the counsellor and actually confronting the issues I have with Carter, the slight feelings of resentment that I had begun to previously feel for Aiden were coming back. I know I was so up and down, but I can't help it. I don't know what I want and I'm scared I never will.
After a few more attempts of conversation and me not really participating, Aiden retired back to his group of boys and I hated to admit I felt relieved. I cursed myself, wanting to physically face palm. I think I needed a break from all boys and have some much needed Lacey time.
"Why are with someone you don't even like?" she asked, going directly to the point.
"I do like him."
"Not sure who you're trying to convince here."
I exhaled deeply, rubbing my hands over my face. "It's complicated."
"Un-complicate it. Break up with him."
"I only just got back with him. I'm going to send him to the clinic if I keep this up."
"You're a girl, you don't know what you want. You're only human. If he really likes you, he will understand."
I peered up at her, a little surprised. Upon first meeting her, I knew she was a joker. Sarcastic, witty and sadistic. But serious? Now that surprised me. I grimaced up at her, knowing that she was right.
"I'm not going to do anything right now. I'll just see what happens."
"Whatever."
"What about you?" I asked, doing a little prying of my own. "What boy drama is going on in your life?"
"Ugh, don't get me started. A new boy is just what I need. I've had some drama with twins lately. It's really not as great as I envisioned it would be."
I scrunched up my nose at her. "You're terrible."
She shrugged. "That's life."
"Are we going running this afternoon?"
"Yep, I'll meet you at your place at four? Once I know directions of course."
"Sure. I'll show you the track I do. But I'm warning you now, it's long and I run the entire way. Sometimes I even sprint."
"You're going to kill me," she sighed dramatically. "But I suppose that's fine."
I stared at her for a moment. It was random how we just became friends. Just like that. But I was glad it happened. I needed some more females in my life.
The rest of the school day cruised by pretty uneventfully. Just as I was exiting school, I saw the back of Aiden's head and jogged up to him.
"Hey, sorry about earlier, I'm just tired. We can hang tomorrow, if you're free?"
"Yeah, movies or something?" he asked, coming to a stop. He reached out for my hand and I squeezed it, smiling up at him.
"Yeah sure."
"And it's okay. I know you don't want to be back here. I know what you're like."
I laughed, was it that obvious school was such a drag to me?
"What do you think of Anna?"
"I'm not sure yet. She seems a little scary."
"Scary?" I asked incredulously with a laugh. "How is she scary?"
"I don't know. She just seems a little full on. Like she knows something that she shouldn't."
"Yeah, I get what you mean. I'll suss her out when we go running this afternoon."
"You're taking her running with you? Have you warned her?"
"Yes," I laughed.
"Okay, I'll let you go. I'll see you tomorrow." He bent down and brushed his lips fleetingly against mine, before I pulled back. With one last smile, I began to briskly walk towards my car, only having fifteen minutes to get home, eat, change and meet with Anna.
This afternoon will be interesting.
***
"Okay, okay, stop." she panted.
For someone so glamorous, she sure didn't look so now. Her vibrant, red hair was tied back off her face and sweat glistened across her forehead. Her chest was rising and falling rapidly as she tried to catch her breath.
"We're not even halfway..." I pointed out, resting my hands on my hips. I watched in amusement as she doubled over, literally looking like she was ready to pass out.
"I'm fit but this is insane."
"I did warn you..." I trailed off, with a small smirk.
"Just - give - me - a - second," she breathed, wiping the excess sweat from her face.
I tilted my head back, trying to regain my own breath as I stared up at the pale, blue sky. The wind was starting to pick up now, meaning it was cooling down rapidly. The hairs on my arms bristled and I rubbed at them, just wanting to keep going.
"Ready?"
She groaned, her cheeks flushed. I just laughed and began my jog again. She begrudgingly followed suit, falling in step with me. Taking it slow, we managed to make it most of the way home without any more breaks. We were just coming onto my street when I saw him. No matter who he was with or what he was doing, he stood out to me. I felt my stomach clench.
"That's Carter," I grunted through my teeth, watching him run towards us as he was on his own jog.
"Woah," she breathed. "Can we just take a second to stare at him? I don't think I've seen someone so beautiful before."
"Oh please," I laughed, but definitely agreeing that his beauty was dazzling.
I did what she said and took a moment to stare at him. I realised then, he wasn't in his jogging clothes. He was sprinting towards me urgently, his eyes wide. My feet came to a stop before I even realised I had begun to slow down. I backed up slightly, suddenly feeling nervous. He didn't stop until he was inches from me, his hands gripping my forearms. Electricity spiked through my veins at his mere touch. I inhaled, his scent overpowering me, as usual. God, I had missed him. Just looking at him and being around him. I wanted to reach up and touch him, not caring at this moment everything that has happened. I missed my best friend more than anything in the world. He hadn't been at school today which means I haven't seen him for over a week. Doesn't sound like long, but it felt like eternity.
"Lacey," he began breathlessly, his voice automatically causing goose bumps to erupt over my skin. I swallowed, trying to not show how much he was affecting me right now. "It's not mine."
"What?"
"The baby," he said, his face red. "Mercedes' baby. It's not mine."
My mouth fell open. I stopped breathing. I felt light-headed at the sudden revelation. I don't whether I wanted to pass out with happiness or be sick.
Carter wasn't the father.
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