"I can't fight this feeling anymore." - REO Speedwagon
*3 years ago*
*November*
It's been a year and three months since Ian left. Obviously, I'm doing better now, but I'm still no where near the girl I used to be. I've lost this light in my life that Ian brought me. It's just been a whole lot of darkness for a long time now; I'm just used to it at this point.
"Josie!" Cara whisper-shouted as she ran into the back room of the cafe where we take our breaks.
Cara is one of those friends that always has a smile on her face and a positive outlook on life. You either hate her for her upbeat attitude, or love her for it. I love her for it because, when she's around, it's like a nightlight. Not the sunshine type of light Ian was to me, but enough to remind me of what's good in life.
"What's up?"
"Mr. Westchester just hired a new employee. He's a sophomore at West Coast U and plays football! Insert heart eye emoji!" She mock-fawned over him.
I rolled my eyes and chuckled softly. "What're you doing talking to me about him? Go talk to him."
"Not without you." I didn't even have a chance to argue before Cara was tugging on my arm to get me outside of the cafe.
I guess it's a good thing it was windy and chilly today, so the park was dead.
Standing outside by the playground was Mr. Westchester and Caroline with a tall, muscular guy that's our age, obviously the guy that Cara was just telling me about.
"Josie, Cara, come introduce yourselves!" Mr. Westchester insisted from a distance. Cara and I exchanged semi-panicked looks, then scurried over to say hey.
Even my desperately in love self could admit that this guy was definitely quite the looker. Ian's the only guy I'll ever have eyes for, but wow.
"Ladies, this is our newest employee, Joel Addison." Little did Mr. W know, Cara somehow already had half his backstory.
"I'm Cara, this is Josie."
Joel smirked at me, giving me the most obvious once-over. I was immediately repulsed in every aspect. No girl likes a guy that acts like girls are a piece of meat, including me.
"Nice to meet you, ladies." His voice, how soft and intriguing it was, completely contradicted his actions. If I were to just hear his voice, I'd think he's a sweet man that belongs in some stereotypical nice-guy movie. However, his blunt once-over didn't agree with that.
"Joel plays football over at West Coast, and he's been job hunting. I think he's going to fit in pretty well here."
I wouldn't say I was glaring at him, but I definitely had my eyes narrowed at him.
Cara said enthusiastically, "I'm sure," at the same time I said, "We'll see." Mr. W didn't notice my sass, but everyone else did. Caroline was the only one to raise her eyebrow at me, questionably. I think Cara noticed his dog-like actions, too, which is why she didn't question me. As for Joel, he just smirked; he knew exactly what was going through my mind and all he was doing was confirming my thoughts.
~•~
*2 months later*
*January*
When I can feel a anxiety attack arising, it's scary. My whole body starts to shake and my heart physically tightens in my chest. It's hard to control my breathing and my tears threaten to fall. It's a ton of feelings I dread all coming at me at once.
My anxiety attacks have started happening a lot less in the past year, but in the first year of Ian being gone, it seemed like everything could set me off.
I guess mine and Ian's birthdays approaching was still a trigger point for me.
I was currently sitting in the newly built lounge before the opening of the park with a death grip on the chair I was sitting on. This chair was practically the only sense of reality I had right now; if I were to let go, I was scared I would lose it altogether.
"Josie?" Joel's familiar voice came. It sounded like he was far away, but his hand on my shoulder told me otherwise. I couldn't bring myself to look because my eyes were squeezed tightly shut to hold in the waterworks. "Josie, what's wrong?"
Today's my 20th birthday, but not many people know. I keep it very low key because with my birthday only a couple days before Ian's, and the fact Ian and I spent every one of our birthday's together for 6 years straight, it reminds me so much of him and it's hard.
I didn't even celebrate my birthday last year, and no one even knows that today's my birthday.
When I finally felt strong enough and in touch with reality, I opened my eyes to find Joel kneeled in front of me with the most concerned look.
"Ian's birthday is on Thursday. It's just..." I sucked in a deep, shaky breath, "it's just a hard time, I guess."
Joel wasn't entirely sure of what exactly he could say to make me feel better, so instead, he wrapped his arms around my sitting figure the best he could and squeezed me tight.
After only a few weeks of Joel working here at Westchester, I was quick to learn I had him completely wrong. I think that's why he was so amused by my distaste for him in the beginning, because he knew that it was just a bad first impression.
Joel has proved himself time and time again to me, my friends, and my other co-workers, that he is indeed a good guy. There's a lot more to him than a tight end football player. In fact, he reminds me a lot of Ian. Though on the outside they are entirely different, their morals and beliefs are what make them similar.
I told Joel about Ian roughly two months ago. He'd come over to mine and Kaila's apartment for a gathering for all of our friends, but he arrived early to help me get everything ready since Kaila had schoolwork to do. He had seen a picture of Ian and I and asked if that was my boyfriend.
Imagine that trigger he pulled.
A year and a half is still too soon, apparently.
Anyway, I told him about my relationship with Ian and how close we were, then about his departure. I think Joel and I developed a whole new level of respect for one another after that conversation.
In some way, Joel's tight, bear-hug seemed to have put together some of the broken pieces of my heart. Maybe not all, but my heart was mended in some way, I could feel it.
~•~
*1 year ago*
*January*
"It's your 21st birthday, Josie, let me take you out," Joel insisted for the third time in a row. "You're 21st is on a Saturday night for a reason. Live it up!"
"Go live it up for me."
I made the silly mistake of telling Joel my birthday, and my age, and now he will not leave me alone. For the past two weeks, he's been asking me what I'm going to do for my 21st birthday.
In my defense, I've not enjoyed celebrating my birthday for 3 years now, and, not to be a Debbie Downer, but I'd rather just sit in my bed and thinking about how in 3 days, Ian would likely be spending his 21st on the battlefield.
How can I have fun knowing of Ian's dangerous whereabouts? Or even worse, not knowing at all?
"If you won't celebrate your birthday, then how about you let me take you out on a date?" Joel counter-offered. It's not, by any means, the first time he's asked me out on a date; in fact, he's been asking me out consistently since September, but this is the first time I didn't immediately deny him. "Not a birthday dinner-date, just a date where I take you to dinner."
Of all the times Joel has asked me out with all of his well-thought-out plans, his impromptu proposal was the one that seemed the most genuine. I never thought I'd prefer his spur of the moment proposal, but that must be the case.
"Okay," I agreed.
"Wait, really?"
I nodded with a small smile on my lips. I'm ready to stop pushing people away.
"This is going to be great," he smirked, but I could see the genuine excitement in his eyes.
~•~
*four months later*
*may*
"Joel," I whined. "You know I don't like surprises. Can't you just tell me where we are going?"
It's not that I don't appreciate surprises, I just hate not knowing. I like game plans. Otherwise, I don't know what to wear or how to do my hair, ya know?
"If you don't stop asking where we are going, I'll take away another one of your senses." Part of me thought he was joking, but I had a feeling he wasn't. He already made me put a bandana over my eyes so I wouldn't get any context clues. I wouldn't put it past him to shove a sock in my mouth so I wasn't able to talk either.
"Fine," I groaned, over-dramatically.
"By the way, I forgot to tell you that you are beautiful." I could practically hear the grin in his tone.
"Thank you," I smiled.
Over the past few months, since our first date, Joel and I went on several more to follow. It was all uphill from there; things just got better and better. Joel was everything I needed and he came exactly when I needed him most, before I even realized it. Plus, he's been nothing but patient with me — beginning with when he had asked me out for the first time and I said no, all leading up to today. I can tell he wants more out of our untitled relationship, but he understands that I've not quite gotten there.
Until maybe recently, I guess.
I feel like at some point something changed within me, and, although I can't really pinpoint exactly when or where, I know it happened. I suddenly feel as though I'm ready to take on the world with Joel Addison by my side. Honestly, that's a feeling I've never seen coming.
"Okay, okay, you can take your blindfold off." Before Joel even completely finished his sentence, I tore the blindfold off of my head, disheveling my hair in the process. I didn't mind though because I was awestruck by Joel's date idea.
He took me to Russo's Italian Restaurant, which is the same restaurant he took me to for our first date on my 21st birthday four months ago. It was truly one of the best nights I'd had in a long time, since Ian left realistically. This place brought back a good memory for Joel and I.
"You like it?"
I grinned widely and nodded. "Love it."
Joel and I walked hand-in-hand up to the door and then he released it to hold the door open for me like the true gentleman he is.
If he's not careful, I might do something crazy like fall in love with him.
"Reservations for 2 under Addison." Wow, he made reservations and everything. He really wanted to show up and show out for this date. Our other dates weren't nearly as planned as this one is appearing to be; I wonder what makes it so special.
The hostess walked us to our table for two that already had menus placed out with two glasses of water and empty wine glasses.
"Wow, Joel," I sighed once we took a seat. I looked around briefly, taking in the evident beauty of the restaurant, but stopped when my eyes laid on Joel. I couldn't look away as I stared into the eyes of the man that has wedged himself into my life in the most subtle way possible. He's brought me happiness I never thought I'd find again. "You've really outdone yourself."
"Nothing I do for you is outdoing myself," he winked. Such a goon.
"What makes tonight so special in comparison to our other dates?" I raked my mind for an event that could be significant enough to come here for a nice planned evening, but I couldn't. I had nothing.
Joel smiled, taking my hands in his in the middle of the table. "I wanted to be in the same spot you gave me my first chance when I asked you to be my girlfriend." It's a good thing the waiter hasn't arrived with the wine, yet, because I definitely would've spit it up due to utter shock.
Our title-less relationship was going well, but I definitely didn't see this coming.
"Before you say no, let me just defend myself," he insisted. So I waited. "I understand you're still moving on from Ian, and I understand a part of you will always love him, but do you think a part of you could love me too?" In the several months I've known Joel, I've never seen the tall, buff football player look so vulnerable. "What do you say, Josie? Will you be my girlfriend?"
I sat there, and I sat there with my mind running wild with thoughts. Part of me was on the fence because I love Ian so much and, up until I started seeing Joel, I intended to wait for him until he came home. I didn't want to give up the possibility of me and Ian ever potentially getting back together.
But then I think back to these past four months, and the year prior to these four months, and all that Joel has done for me. He's been my best friend since the moment I realized he wasn't a douchebag football player. Despite all of the times I've rejected him, he never stopped caring about me and never stopped trying.
And that's why I said yes.
I realized Joel Addison would be the easiest person to fall in love with. I mean, I'm already half way there.
Joel excitedly jumped out of his chair and came to the other side of the table just to plant his lips on mine. Although I'm not one for PDA, I couldn't help but swoon over how cute his reaction was.
After we broke apart, he kept his hand on my cheek and had on a serious expression. "I promise I'll never leave you, Josie Pappstein."
Although I knew not to take that promise to heart, I appreciated the thought.
•••
Here's the update!!!
As usual, I don't have much to say. I just hope you guys enjoyed this little dip of how Joel and Josie came to be!
Have a great week :)
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- Emily