Back to June 1982
I hadn't seen James since that trip to Mexico almost two months ago. I'd gone back to school, and between finals, band gigs, and arranging housing for the next year, I'd only just made it back to Southern California the previous day, and this was the first I'd seen him. Watching him now, I could feel my stomach clench and breath catch. You'd think that would have faded, but my body still involuntarily reacted. Every...damn...time.
"Is...is that him?"
Kelly's question finally brought me back to the present and I nodded, even though her eyes were still glued to the chaos in front of us.
"Yeah, that's Jamie on lead vocals."
"This is totally not what I was expecting."
I grinned wide at that.
"That's part of Metallica's charm. They take what you think you know about metal and then, as they like to say, take their version and shove it up yer ass."
"Very charming."
We looked at each other and started laughing. I was gratified to see that Kelly was rolling with it, despite her initial uneasiness.
Finding a bar at the rear of the room, we hopped up on a couple stools and ordered beers. Leaning back against the bar, we watched the band pound out a high energy set, whipping the crowd into an even higher state of adrenalized fervor. I'd occasionally glance over at Kelly, whose eyes were permanently wide and unblinking. Mostly though, I was focused on Jamie. Over the last year I'd only seen him every few months, and it seemed like every time he had gotten taller, his hair longer, and he'd pack on just a little more muscle. Little by little he was becoming the front man he half wanted and half feared. It scared me too knowing the attention it would bring him from girls who were attracted to musicians. James was still incredibly shy, but between the drinking and getting more comfortable performing in front of crowds, that shyness was no longer going to be the barrier that kept him from saying yes to what was being offered.
"Hey, are you OK?"
I could hear the worry in Kelly's voice, and I felt a little better knowing I had someone in my corner.
"Yeah. Just facing reality. Again."
She knew better than to try and cheer me up, since there wasn't really anything she or anyone else could say. I was the only one who was going to be able to pull myself out of this hole, but I wasn't ready yet. I still had hope, as faint as it was. Mexico had left me confused. There had been those moments where I had seen something in Jamie's eyes that I'd never seen before. Was it lust, was it love, or, was it nothing more than just wishful thinking on my part? It had certainly felt like something; the energy between us had felt stronger, deeper, and each time I'd been left breathless. He had seemed affected too. I guess I would find out soon enough if this "something" was real or imagined.
The distinctive rat-tat-tat-tat beat of Am I Evil started in, and I saw James stare out into the crowd as if he was looking for someone. Forcing my melancholy away, I grabbed my beer and nudged Kelly to follow me. We made our way cautiously towards the side of the stage, narrowly avoiding the thrashing bodies, fists pumping, and even worse, the sweaty and eager come-ons from the guys in the audience. By the time they had finished the intro, we made it close enough for Jamie to see me from the stage. Our eyes met, and his mouth stretched into a wide grin matched by mine.
"Crap, that guy could melt steel with that smile," Kelly shouted over the music.
I sighed in agreement. "Yeah, tell me about it."
We came a little closer and then stationed ourselves against the wall, out of the way of all the chaos but with a clear view of the stage. I mouthed the words to the song, and James would look to me and grin as I sang along.
"Are you sure he doesn't have feelings for you?" Kelly asked, looking at me sideways.
Her question caught me by surprise. "I wish. Why?"
"It's just...the look on his face when he saw you...I wish someone would look at me like that, just once."
For a moment, I felt her words give me hope, but then I reminded myself that she didn't know Jamie, she didn't really understand how much we meant to each other. She couldn't know that his reaction stemmed from having his family back.
"He...he just missed me, that's all."
Kelly looked like she wanted to say more about the subject but kept quiet, instead, she turned her attention back to the stage and began a running commentary on the band's fashion missteps that quickly had me laughing.
"OK, what's with Skippy's striped sweater over there?"
"Skippy?"
"Yeah, the redhead on the other side. He looks like a Skippy."
I almost choked on my laughter.
"That's Dave, he plays lead guitar. We should be thankful he's wearin' a shirt at all. Usually he goes with just a vest or shirtless. He thinks the ladies appreciate the view."
"Ugh, gag me." She made a face before her eyes zeroed in on James next. "I like the bullet belt, that's hot."
"I bought it for him last Christmas."
"Figures." Kelly rolled her eyes. "The necklace?"
"His birthday last summer. And the matching bracelet."
Shaking her head, she stretched on her toes to try and see Lars in the back, but then settled back against the wall again.
"I can't see the drummer from here, but this one by us, he's pretty cute."
I threw her a sly smile which she pretended to ignore.
"Cute huh?" I teased. "That would be Ron. He plays bass, and Jamie and I have known him since we were kids, we went to junior high together."
"Ron huh?" She stared at him a moment more before catching herself and changing the subject. "Well, I think it's pretty obvious these boys really need my help with their style. Maybe I should offer my consulting services."
"Consulting services? Is that what yer callin' it?" I shouldered her playfully, changing my voice into a high falsetto. "Oh hi Ron, maybe we could go someplace private for some 'consulting'. What's that Ron, you need some 'consulting' services in yer pants?"
I was cackling raucously while Kelly turned beat red, though she couldn't keep from giggling. "Not even!"
She swatted me on the arm, but I noticed her eyeing the bass player over the rest of their set. I noticed too that Ron was eyeing her back.
I couldn't keep the stupid grin off my face as I turned my attention back to the stage and my gaze collided with Jamie's. His grin widened, and we smiled at each other throughout the rest of the song.
They finished up the set, and after waving their thanks to the crowd, the boys made their way to the wings off to the right of the stage, except for James. Instead, he jumped down into the mob still standing around at the front of the stage and made his way directly to me, only half responding to the high-fives and compliments being lobbed his way. Breaking free of the crowd, he swooped down and pulled me in for a tight hug. We stayed like that for a minute, oblivious to the other people around us.
"Oh shit." He finally let go of me. "Sorry, just realized I'm totally sweaty and disgusting."
I thought it prudent that I keep it to myself the fact that I liked him sweaty. I caught Kelly's eye and she grinned at me knowingly. I felt myself blush.
"I don't mind. I'm just happy to see you."
"Me too. I mi...."
He stopped short when he finally noticed Kelly standing there. I could see his guard go up immediately, so I was quick to make introductions.
"Jamie, this is Kelly. My freshman year savior and future roommate."
"Hey." Was James' lengthy and expressive greeting.
Kelly was not deterred, after all, she'd broken through my resistance.
"Nice to meet you James." She gave him a friendly smile before arching an eyebrow ominously. "I've heard enough about you to be dangerous."
He looked from Kelly to me with a worried expression. She and I burst into laughter.
"She's just bustin' yer chops," I assured him. "Of course I didn't tell her anything that incriminating. Those I'm savin' for the tell-all book when yer famous."
He narrowed his eyes at me and shook his head at my smart mouth.
"You sure as hell are a sassy little thing aren't ya Short Stack?"
He was smiling down at me, so I knew he wasn't mad.
"You know you wouldn't have me any other way."
I smiled back up at him, and for a moment, I forgot Kelly was there. Her voice brought me back to Earth.
"OK, so what's with the nicknames? Short Stack, Jamie?"
Tearing my gaze from James, I looked over at my friend.
"Well, we met in piano lessons when we were kids," I started to explain, "and the teacher was this older woman who couldn't really hear all that well."
"Which was pretty funny since she was teachin' piano." Jamie smirked, seeming to get over his initial shyness with Kelly.
"It did make it easier for us to get away with stuff though." I giggled and James nodded and smiled in agreement. "Anyway," I continued, "she misheard him when he said his name was James, and she called him Jamie...and so I thought he was Jamie."
"And I was too shy to tell her it was James." He looked down at me affectionately. "By the time I got up the nerve to tell her months later, 'Jamie' had already stuck."
"And Short Stack?" Kelly prompted.
"Well for the first three years after we became friends, Leila was taller than me."
"Which he hated," I interjected.
"Yeah, well, it didn't help that you never let me forget it. She'd call me midget, or any one of the dwarves from Snow White, dependin' on her mood...or mine."
"Usually it was Dopey or Grumpy." I smiled sweetly.
He tried to look mad, but ended up snickering instead. Kelly just watched us wide-eyed.
"Yeah, anyway...so when I hit twelve, I started to grow...and grow. My mom was buyin' new clothes every couple months. I shot past Leila, and when I did..."—he paused to look down at me, a grin playing around his mouth—"when I did, I started callin' her Short Stack, as a reminder of who was the midget now."
He crossed his arms smugly and I elbowed him playfully. Just then, Lars shouted for James to come help.
"I better go before Lars fuckin' loses it," he said reluctantly as he looked down at me. "Are you stickin' around?"
"Of course. Maybe we could go get a bite to eat?" I smiled slyly as I nodded towards Kelly. "Maybe you could see if Ron wants to join us."
Jamie looked confused for a moment before understanding dawned. He smirked at me before jogging back towards the backstage to help load the gear. Smiling happily, I turned back towards Kelly. She was looking at me with a strange expression on her face.
"What?"
She looked like she wanted to same something, but then maybe thought better of it as she smiled instead before answering.
"Nothin'. Just glad I got to meet the famous James Hetfield. He's cute. And he seems nice. I approve."
"Yeah." I let my gaze follow Jamie as he grabbed some gear from the stage. "He's pretty great."
"So hot," Kelly sighed.
Frowning, I looked over at her quickly and saw that she was dreamily staring after Ron as he helped clear the stage. I hid a smile at her obvious interest in the bass player.
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah. He really fills out that t-shirt nicely." She let out one more sigh before turning her gaze back to me. "Speaking of, I know you said to dress casual at these shows, but yer totally not helpin' yer cause by continuing to dress like one of the guys."
"Whaddya mean?" Sometimes I still had a hard time keeping up with Kelly's ability to change the subject at lightning speed.
"Well, you want him to see you as a desirable woman, you have to actually start dressing like one."
Crap, she had a point. I'd immediately gone back to my old habit of loose jeans and t-shirts, and they weren't doing my figure any favors.
"I hate when yer right," I grumbled.
"No duh, I'd think you'd be used to it by now," she countered smugly.
We were still laughing when James and Ron came back from loading the van. I made the introductions and had to keep from snickering as Kelly and Ron stood making googly eyes at each other. Jamie made a face before pulling me aside, allowing them a moment to get to know each other.
"I have something for ya." He handed me an album he'd hidden behind his back. "It's the Metal Massacre album with our song on it."
I grabbed it out of his hands and was practically jumping up and down with excitement. He was grinning wide at my enthusiasm.
"Oh my god Jamie, this is amazing!" I flipped it over to read the wording on the back. "Holy crap, there it is. Hit the Lights, James Hetfield, vocals. Wait, they spelled the band name with two t's."
"Yeah, I know. Whatever, it's still an album." His smile dimmed a little.
"Hell yeah it is! And this will be a collector's item when yer huge. I'm holdin' my retirement right here."
He laughed loudly, the clouds scattering from his face.
"Jesus I missed havin' you around." He gazed down at me, a smile hovering around his mouth. "You always know how to make me laugh. I'm way too serious when yer not here."
"I love makin' you laugh," I said without thinking.
Shit
James didn't seem to notice my choice of words as he continued smiling at me.
"Hey, so you gotta come to next week's show, we're gonna do that new song I told you about, Seek and Destroy, and you gotta be there for that. And....we're recordin' a demo of our songs a few days after that down in Tustin. Maybe you could come with." He looked down for a minute, before looking up at me self-consciously. "I want you to be there, keep me together, ya know?"
"Of course I'll be there. For the show and the recording session." My eyes were filled with pride as I gazed up at him. "Wow, things are really happenin' for you guys. It's amazing."
"I know, it's crazy huh? One minute we're barely a band, and now we're on an album and about to record a demo. And more places are bookin' us, legit clubs too like The Whisky. My mind is totally blown."
"I'm so proud of you Jamie."
I threw my arms around his neck and hugged him tight. Immediately his arms slipped around my waist and pulled me close. We stayed like that for a few moments before I reluctantly pulled out of his embrace.
"So, ya hungry?" he asked as he casually tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear.
This boy had great timing with the unintentionally loaded questions. I wondered what he would do if I told him I was hungry for his touch, starving for his lips, ravenous for his body against mine. Too much? Yeah probably.
"I could eat," I said instead, though I almost giggled out loud at my dirty thoughts.
We grabbed Kelly and Ron, who seemed to be hitting it off, climbed into Kelly's car, and headed back up to Downey to our favorite all-night diner. Peggy, the night hostess, greeted us by name as she led us over to our favorite booth. As was our custom, James waited while I scooted to the inside before sliding in next to me. Peggy handed out menus, which was really for Kelly's benefit only, as Jamie, Ron, and I had been coming here forever and always got the same thing. Cheeseburger for James, bacon burger for Ron, and chili cheese fries for me. We all got shakes. Every time.
After putting in our orders, we quickly fell into animated conversation discussing the boys' show. James, of course, was focused on all the things that had gone wrong; he was always the perfectionist when it came to his music. Ron and I argued our points when he was being too hard on himself and the band, but we understood how important this was to James. Plus, usually he was right.
"I don't like to hear you beat yourself up Jamie." I took the bite of burger he was offering and chewed it up before continuing. "But then again, yer drive to be the best is what's gonna help make Metallica a success."
"So yer tellin' me I'm anal"—he raised a sarcastic eyebrow—"but I'll be anal and famous?"
"Better than bein' famous for your anal," I shot back sarcastically.
The whole table groaned and laughed at my terrible joke, and someone threw their napkin at my head.
"Thank god yer gonna be a singer and not a stand-up comedian," Kelly commented drily.
"Amen!" James high-fived her across the table while I pretended to be crushed.
"I can't believe you all think so little of me." I stuck my lower lip out into an over exaggerated pout. "I think I need to go find some new friends. Y'all can just fuck off."
"Nope Shorty, this is the best you got." He chuckled as he stole one of my French fries. "Yer stuck with us."
I looked around the table, and though I wanted to keep up the pretense of being mad at them, I just couldn't keep the grin off my face.
"Well I guess there are worse things than bein' stuck with you three. Chicken pox comes to mind..."
"Wait, yer comparin' us to havin' chicken pox?" Ron sputtered as we all started cracking up again.
We spent the next couple hours laughing and making conversation. It was bliss being back with Jamie again, and I was happy to see how well Kelly and Ron were getting along. At some point, James had put his arm along the back of the booth behind me, and I found myself gravitating towards the warmth of his body, even as he kept leaning towards me; though I'm sure he wasn't even conscious of it.
Eventually we realized how late it was getting and headed out. We drove to James and Ron's place to drop them off and I walked Jamie inside to give Kelly and Ron a chance to say goodnight in private. I couldn't help but feel a little blue knowing they were being close with each other in a way I would never be with Jamie. Even now as he kept up a steady stream of conversation as he let us into the house and turned on the lights, all I could think about was pulling him to me and kissing him senseless. I imagined how he'd be surprised at first, and then he would wrap his arms around me and deepen the kiss, making me tremble with desire...
"Hey, you still with me?"
James was waving a hand in front of my face and I realized with a start that I had completely spaced out. My cheeks flushed pink with embarrassment at being caught fantasizing.
"Yeah, sorry, just a little tired."
"Well come on and sit down. If I know Ron, they'll be awhile. He's a slow mover."
He came over behind me, put his hands on my waist, and propelled me over to the couch. I sat down but James remained standing, looking at me for a moment as if he was trying to make a decision.
"I was gonna wait until after you had a day or two to get settled, but I wanna give this to ya now."
"Something for me? Really?"
"We didn't get to spend yer birthday together." He ducked into his room and came back out with a small box wrapped in paper with a bow. "I still wanna take you out, whatever ya wanna do, my treat. But I got you a present."
He came over and sat next to me and shyly handed me the gift. I was incredibly touched by his thoughtfulness, but I knew better than to make a fuss, it would only embarrass him more. Smiling softly, I carefully removed the wrapping to find a small jewelry box inside. Tamping down on the irrational fluttering in my stomach, I opened the box to find a necklace laying against a bit of white satin. A delicate chain held a single gold charm in the shape of a musical note. It was perfect, and for a moment, I forgot how to breathe.
"Do...do you like it?" I could hear the worry in his voice.
"It's beautiful Jamie. It's...it's perfect."
"I saw it and I thought of you. I mean, it seemed like something you'd wear."
I looked at him sideways, and could see the relief on his face.
"You know me so well. I...I love it." Tracing my finger over the surface of the charm, I blinked rapidly at the tears threatening at the back of my eyes. "Maybe...maybe you could help me put it on?"
Without waiting for a response, I removed the necklace from the box and held it out to him. Carefully he took it from my fingers and spent a moment trying to figure out the clasp. Twisting away, I lifted the hair from the nape of my neck as I felt him scoot closer, his arms brushing against me as he maneuvered the locket around my neck. I held my breath as I felt the heat from his body as he leaned in close, his fingers whispering against my skin as he worked at securing the necklace into place. Finally I felt the light weight of the chain settle against my neck.
"That should do it." His words rustled the hairs near my ear.
I closed my eyes for a moment before forcing a casual smile and turning to show off his gift.
"How does it look?"
He nodded, pleased. "It suits you. I like it."
Looking down, I was suddenly wishing I was at least wearing a V-neck, the daintiness of the necklace was lost against the print of my Metallica band t-shirt. Without thinking, I pulled on the shirt's collar to create a deep V neckline effect. I was right, the gold of the necklace looked good against the beginnings of my summer tan as it nestled between my breasts. I looked up to see what Jamie thought, but he was staring fixedly down at his lap, a faint blush on his cheeks. Before I could ask him what was wrong, the door opened and Ron came in, a faint blush on his cheeks too.
"Sorry I took so long," Ron mumbled.
James and I exchanged a knowing smile.
"I should get goin' before Kelly starts honking." I sighed, not really wanting to leave at all.
"It's 2 in the morning, she wouldn—" Jamie started before I interrupted him.
"Trust me, she would."
We both stood up and made our way to the front door, passing Ron who had a dazed smile on his face as he said goodnight and wandered down the hall towards the bathroom. James opened the front door and we both stepped out on the porch, light from inside the house spilling over us as we stood quietly for a moment. Unconsciously, I reached up and rubbed the musical note between my fingers. He caught the movement and gave a small smile.
"I thought about our conversation from Christmas, about how hard it's been bein' apart when we need each other the most. I'd find myself touchin' the chain you gave me, just like yer doin' now." Reaching into the neck of his shirt, he pulled out the chain necklace I'd given him almost a year ago. "It made me feel closer to you and I wasn't as anxious, I felt calmer, like you were here talkin' me through the hard shit. I...I was hopin' you'd wear that and it'd do the same for you. You'd feel like I was with you even when I'm not."
I hoped the darkness was masking the emotion in my eyes.
"I like that....it makes this gift even more special to know there's meaning behind it." I spoke softly. "Thank you....yer an amazing friend Jamie."
He ducked his head shyly, but I could tell that he was pleased.
"Alright, you better go before Kelly decides to wake up my neighbors. Call me when you get up and we'll make plans. Sound good?"
"Yeah, for sure. Good night then."
I turned and had already headed down the walkway when James' voice cut through the quiet.
"I'm really glad yer home Leila. We're gonna have a fuckin' awesome summer right?"
"Hell yeah," I threw over my shoulder, "the best."
I climbed into the car and noticed that he stayed out on the porch as we drove away. Leaning back in my seat, I was quiet for a moment as I stared unseeingly out the window. Automatically, I began rubbing a finger and thumb against my new necklace.
"Sometimes...sometimes it feels so much like love Kelly...for a moment I feel it...I feel what it would be like if Jamie were in love with me. I see a glimpse of happiness...I know it sounds cheesy...but it's like heaven on earth. And then the moment's gone, and I feel like my heart is broken, even though I know it wasn't real, I know it wasn't ever love. How can my heart break for something that never existed?"
She reached over and squeezed my hand. "I dunno. But maybe...maybe there's still a real chance for you two."
I tried to smile at her optimism.
"I hope that's true. I mean, all of those moments between us on our trip to Mexico, I know I didn't imagine it. But I kept waitin' to see it again tonight...but it was just friends as usual. Which is wonderful, don't get me wrong. Our friendship is everything...it's just—"
"You wanna jump him every moment yer together."
"So badly," I groaned. "Sometimes I have to sit on my hands, the need to just reach out and touch him is so fuckin' strong."
She raised an eyebrow. "Maybe you should, just to see what would happen."
"Don't tempt me Kel, I feel like I'm just a hairsbreadth away from givin' in to my urges." I looked out the window for a moment watching the world pass. "Anyway, I'd rather hear about yer night...speakin' of urges."
I turned back to her and smiled as I noticed her cheeks turning pink.
"Not much happened." She tried to deflect.
"Yeah, I call bullshit. You seemed pretty cozy when we left you both in the car."
"Well, we talked a little and then...well he kissed me goodnight."
"Wow, nice job Ronnie. He did seem a little dazed when he came back in." I slanted a knowing smile at her. "Apparently you knocked his socks off with that kiss."
Somehow Kelly managed to look smug and blush at the same time.
"I'm not a slut, but I've kissed enough boys to know what I'm doin'." She looked at me sideways, her confidence faltering for a moment." Do...do you really think he likes me?"
I nodded emphatically. "I really do. I've known him for a long time and he's not a womanizer. I think he's smart enough to see how amazing you are....and he'd be a complete idiot to let you get away."
"Aww, thanks sweetie." Kelly was grinning at me happily. "That means a lot comin' from you, cuz I know yer gonna be honest and not just tell me what I wanna hear." She was quiet for a moment. "You know, if Ron and I start to date, it'd be super easy to have you and James come with, like an unofficial double date. Maybe he'd start to see you differently with another couple around being all couple-y."
"I doubt Jamie will even make the connection, but I guess I'm willin' to try anything at this point."
"Really?" She raised a challenging eyebrow. "How about I turn this car around and go back and you can strip naked and climb into bed with him and see what happens?"
I sat with that image for a moment before letting out a sigh of defeat.
"Umm, so when do you guys wanna get together?"
If Kelly hadn't been driving, I would have happily thwacked her for flashing a hugely self-satisfied grin as we continued on through the quiet streets of Downey.