Lillian faced downwards on her bed, gripping the corners of the bedsheets. She tangled them in between her fingers, trying to block out the sound of chatter downstairs. Perhaps her head wasn't hurting, but her stomach was queasy enough to keep her occupied up here.
She wished she could simply face her fears and talk to Cassie's family normally, but it had become impossible. Every time that particular woman was mentioned, Lillian felt the need to flee. It hurt Lillian to do so since she was normally so socially-inclined and loved a good dinner with guests, but these days, she was always shut up in her room whenever Cassie's family was lurking nearby.
Though her stomach growled, Lillian let out a groan instead and buried her face into her pillow. She barely heard the sound of her door opening or the footsteps shuffling on the carpet.
"You're not sick," came a sly remark.
She slowly turned her head to see Mitsuki standing on the right side of her bed.
"You're back," Lillian murmured.
"Yeah. Why don't you go eat dinner?"
"Not hungry," Lillian murmured, a loud growl sounding from her stomach as soon as she'd said it.
"Just go eat something. We can eat together."
"You go eat. I don't want anything," Lillian complained, turning on her side so that she was facing away from the girl.
"Come on, Lillian. I hate when you're in this mood," Mitsuki complained.
Lillian was quiet, shutting her eyes in the hopes that she could block out the world around her. She felt the bed shift with someone else's weight and turned her head slightly. Mitsuki was sitting on the edge of the bed, facing the wall.
"You go eat. I'll be okay," Lillian quietly murmured.
"But you're not," Mitsuki replied almost immediately.
Lillian frowned and laid on her back, letting out a sigh. She knew what Mitsuki wanted her to do, but she couldn't. Even if she got the courage to go downstairs and eat dinner, she wouldn't be able to speak to Cassie's mom or Cassie herself. It wasn't her place to disrupt their family gathering.
She watched as Mitsuki's shoulders sagged with a long sigh. Lillian felt the urge to reach out and stroke her hair or grasp her hand, but she held back. She knew she always brought Mitsuki down when she acted like this, but there was nothing she could do about it when she got into this state.
"I'll be okay in a couple hours," Lillian promised.
"Lillian, you know you're going to have to—"
Lillian made a grunt of annoyance, causing Mitsuki to spin around to look at her. Her eyes lacked the bright vivacity they normally possessed.
"Not tonight," Lillian whimpered, shutting her eyes. "Please not tonight. I can't, Mitsuki. They're all so happy down there. I'm going to mess up everything."
"Why are you acting like it's your fault? It's your mom's. If she didn't want unrest, then she shouldn't have gotten into this mess. But you're here, so you should be able to confront her about it."
"I'm terrified of speaking to her," Lillian muttered.
"Do you think she knows?" Mitsuki wondered.
"Yes. I bet she's glad I'm never around during these gatherings."
"You don't know that..."
"Yes I do," Lillian complained. "You go down and eat some food, okay?"
Mitsuki rolled her eyes. "It's fine. There will be leftovers."
"How was training?" Lillian asked.
"Good, and I see you're trying to change the subject. Lillian, how are you ever going to get enlightened like this? You know you should before we take on the Preservers. If you went out now..."
"I know, I know," Lillian murmured. "I don't know what to do."
"Talk to Cassie first."
"But she's so busy already," Lillian complained.
"Stop being such a pushover," Mitsuki urged. "Because I'm sick of sitting around here while you mope."
Lillian raised an eyebrow. "You don't have to stay here when I'm like this, you know."
Mitsuki opened her mouth to say something, then shut it. There was silence before Mitsuki let out another deep sigh.
"But you know I'm right. If you don't clear this mentality, you're never going to be able to become enlightened before we take on the Preservers. Everything's moving so fast right now. You can't just sit on this," Mitsuki urged, grasping onto Lillian's hand. A tingle went down Lillian's arm. It was a foreign, yet familiar feeling that she thought she may have felt many years ago.
"It's going to be a mess," Lillian muttered. "And even if I do get it sorted out, there's still..."
"Still what?"
Lillian felt her cheeks grow hot. She gulped before a single name passed her lips.
"Irene."
Mitsuki's hand dropped, and she spun around. Lillian slowly sat up and rested her back against her headboard, staring at Mitsuki's sulking figure.
"It's both of those things," Lillian added. "And it's not like I'll see Irene anytime soon to work things out."
"Please be quiet," Mitsuki murmured.
"About what?"
"Irene. Please stop talking about her."
"What's wrong with you? You're complaining about me but you get all butthurt every time I say her name," Lillian argued.
"I think you're thinking about her unhealthily. From what I understand, she betrayed you. And everyone. But you still talk about her as if she's some goddess. You care for her."
Lillian gulped. She knew it was true, and that she shouldn't, but her feelings were still lingering there nonetheless. She had thought she was done loving Irene that day they had kissed underneath that tree, but Irene had been more affectionate than she'd expected her to. Lillian had been angry, and it was true that her feelings were slowly dissipating, but when Cassie had mentioned that Irene had been suffering, Lillian had felt immense concern. Even if she and Irene weren't together anymore, she still felt like Irene deserved some bit of happiness. They'd taken her child from her after all. She could not shake Irene from her life forever.
"You don't understand," Lillian argued. "I was one of the closest to her."
"Then why doesn't the betrayal hurt more?"
"Cassie said she was suffering," Lillian said. "And that makes me hurt. She wasn't herself the last year before she betrayed us. I didn't remember her like that."
"You want something you had in the past. But people change. She's not going to come back," Mitsuki said.
"You don't know that," Lillian replied, clenching onto her bedsheets even though she knew it was true deep down.
Finally, Mitsuki spun around, her eyes lit up in anger.
"I'm sick of seeing you get hurt, Lillian. I told you not to look for your mom, and you found her anyway. Now I'm telling you to work things out with her, but you choose to prolong the suffering. Even if you do run into Irene one day again, what do you think would happen? You haven't seen her in nearly three years. People change in that time."
"Stop judging her. You don't even know her," Lillian growled.
"She betrayed all of you! She turned Cassie and Marc in! Why is that so difficult for you to understand? She would've turned you all in if you hadn't come live with us. You'd be in the Preserver's prison now! I'm glad you came here, but sometimes I wish that I hadn't..."
"That you hadn't what?" Lillian wondered, feeling her own anger skyrocket.
"Nevermind. What does it matter? Everytime I try to do something nice for you, I get pummeled with 'Irene did this' or 'Irene did that.' Irene, Irene, Irene. I'm going to punch her if I ever see her," Mitsuki murmured.
Lillian growled, standing up to grip Mitsuki's shoulder. "Get out," Lillian said.
Mitsuki stared up at her defiantly. Despite the flames in her eyes, Lillian noticed something else lurking there. Was it sadness?
"With pleasure," Mitsuki said, slapping her hand away.
The door slammed shut with her exit. Lillian sunk back down onto her bed, squeezing the hand that Mitsuki had briefly touched. Why did it matter what Lillian said about Irene? Mitsuki had never met her, and she probably never would.
Lillian thought of Mitsuki's eyes again, how they'd been burning with an emotion that Lillian had oftentimes seen lurking whenever Irene was mentioned. But what was it? How could she describe it?
Jealousy.
It was jealousy. Lillian realized it with a jolt. Her cheeks began to redden, but she wasn't sure why. Mitsuki was upset with her. She didn't want Mitsuki to continue being upset, but there was something about knowing that fact that made her heart race.
Lillian felt something tingling deep down. But she still wasn't sure what it was or what it meant.