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By the time I woke up the next morning, James was already up and showered. Moving off the bed carefully, I was happy to see that my headache was mostly gone, but my stomach was still a little queasy. A long hot shower made me feel better, but I was still moving slow as I changed and made my way to the great room. Everyone but Mel was sitting around finishing up breakfast, and they all gave me a whispered but enthusiastic greeting. I appreciated their thoughtfulness as a cup of coffee and toast were put in front of me. Nibbling at the bread, I half listened as the conversation buzzed around me.
"I almost forgot to thank my hero Leila for last night." Mike's voice cut through my cloudy brain.
All I could do was look at him in confusion, and he smiled wide at my lighting quick memory.
"Last night, you jumped in to try an' save me when that asshole was tryin' to pick a fight."
"Oh that," I muttered, my voice scratchy. "I think I mighta just made it worse though."
"Nah, that guy was itchin' for a fight no matter what. I'm just glad I got to witness that right hook to his face. Nice goin' James."
Jamie just grunted from where he was taking a long sip of OJ. His eyes did flicker over to me for a moment, and I was left to wonder about the look in his eyes.
"So what about yer bartender buddy from last night?" Hugh was grinning at me. "Is he the 'Mr. Right' you were lookin' for? He seemed pretty into ya."
I could feel James' eyes on me again, and I wondered if he was still disappointed in my behavior the previous night.
"He was nice enough." I shrugged. "Not the right guy though."
I stared down at my plate, afraid that Jamie would read the truth in my eyes. Talk continued to swirl around me as I sipped at my coffee and barely touched the toast.
The guys wanted to head farther south to check out some good surfing locations, but I opted to stay at the house with Mel, who was in worse condition than me. It was actually nice to have a few quiet hours without the boys around. Eventually though, I needed to get out and stretch my legs, so I took a long walk down the beach, the ocean breeze dispelling any lingering effects from the night before. If only it could do as good a job with the rest of me. Alone like this was when I started thinking too hard about things I didn't want to deal with but couldn't ignore for long. Usually that was Jamie, or rather, how do I get over Jamie, or lately, how do I let go of Jamie. Today though I had a new question. Over the last few days, there had been a few moments where for the first time, I began to wonder if it was possible that there was a tiny chance that Jamie might be attracted to me. We were always connected, but now there was some undercurrent that I hadn't noticed before. Was it sexual tension? Was he feeling it too? I decided to pay closer attention over the next few days to see if my suspicions had any merit. The one thing I couldn't do though was allow myself to hope. It would be that much more devastating when I came to the conclusion that my suspicions were merely wishful thinking on my part.
~
An hour later and I was almost back to the house, when I saw a familiar lanky figure walking towards me on the shoreline. He jogged up the last 50 feet, grinning at me like an overgrown kid.
"Did you have fun?" I asked, smiling up at him. "Catch any waves?"
"Eh, I caught a few but I'm not as good a surfer as Jim and Hugh. Watchin' Lars try surfin' was pretty fuckin' entertaining though."
I laughed at the image as we started walking back down the beach slowly.
"So, are ya feelin' better?" James asked, looking at me sideways.
'Yeah, pretty much. The walk helped. And the fresh air. Thanks...thanks for takin' care of me last night. I really tied one on didn't I?"
He chuckled a little. "Yeah, I have to say in the history of Leila McKinnon, that one holds the record for drunkest night out." He gave me a pointed look. "You seemed pretty determined about it, like you were on a mission or something. Were you?"
I could hear the serious tone in his voice.
"Maybe," I answered quietly, looking out to the waves.
"What were ya hopin' to accomplish? Did...did that bartender have anything to do with it?"
Damn, we were treading on dangerous ground here.
"Partly...I dunno. I guess maybe I was tired of bein' serious all the time; bein' responsible while everyone else does whatever the fuck they want. I play by the rules, I make the smart choices...most of the time. For once...I...I wanted to know what it was like to go against the little voice inside my head that's always tellin' me to play it safe."
"So how'd that work out?" There was some strange undercurrent in his voice.
"I had fun for a little while. Hangover wasn't so great."
"You...you didn't leave with the bartender. Do you regret it?"
I stopped abruptly. Jamie took another step before realizing, and stopped and turned to look back at me.
"I only regret givin' him the wrong impression." I looked at him squarely. "I meant it the other day...I...I'm waitin' for the right guy."
He made a face at that. "How do you even know there is one?"
It took everything I had to keep from blurting out that I knew because I was looking right at him.
"I know there is. I...I only hope he realizes that I'm the girl he's supposed to be with."
James shook his head ruefully.
"Guys are pretty dense when it comes to this kinda stuff. I hope you have a lot of patience."
I nearly laughed out loud at the irony.
"You'd be amazed Jamie at how much patience I have."
We started walking again, a comfortable silence settling over us as we made our way back up to the house.
It turned out that the guys had met some other spring breakers while surfing and had invited them over for a barbecue and bonfire, so we all pitched in to get supplies and prep the food. Around five, our company started showing up and pretty soon the house was filled with conversation and laughter as we all mixed and mingled. Chicken and steak were cooked up on the grill and we had a full spread of tortillas, veggies, salsa and homemade guacamole and chips to go with. Hugh was making margaritas in the kitchen and there were plenty of beers, but I stuck to sipping on a Coke instead as I wandered through the party. The guests were a mix of male and female, and I noticed with amusement, that Hugh, Mike, and Lars had zeroed in on the single girls already, chatting them up and working their best smooth moves. A few of the new guys were trying to flirt and get me to talk to them, but after the previous night's fiasco, I knew I wasn't in the mood to try my hand at playing the field again. My heart wasn't in it and I just wasn't interested in stringing anyone along.
Noticing then that James had disappeared, I went to look for him. Stepping out on the patio, I found him sitting on the outdoor lounger strumming on his guitar while he looked out to the sun sinking into the ocean. I settled down next to him, tucking my feet under me and following his gaze out to the sunset.
We were quiet for a few minutes before I broke the silence. "Avoiding all the fun?"
He scoffed at that. "You know I don't do well with stuff like this. I don't know anyone and I don't do small talk. Figured no one would notice if I just came out here."
"I noticed."
He shot me a sideways smile as he continued playing. "I kinda thought you'd make yer way out here at some point."
"You did?" I asked in surprise.
"After last night, I figured you probably needed a break from people."
God he knew me so well.
"Yer people," I pointed out, smiling.
"I ain't people." He grinned, quoting one of my favorite movies.
My eyes widened. "I can't believe you remember that."
"You made me watch it every time it was on TV."
"Yeah, but old musicals aren't exactly yer thing."
He shrugged his shoulders. "That one wasn't so bad, there were some funny bits that I could appreciate. I know you thought that actor was dreamy."
"Who, Gene Kelly? God, he's like 70 years-old now, but back then...yeah, he was kinda dreamy. He'd always look at his leading lady like she was the only woman he could ever love." I felt a catch in my chest then and looked out towards the water. "I think every girl wants to be looked at like that at least once in her life."
Jamie didn't say anything as he started to play Wish You Were Here. Quietly I sang along, resting my head on the back of the rattan sofa as I watched the sun sink into the waves, the sky above a blur of purples, blues and pinks. Nothing else existed but the ocean, the sky, and Jamie and I making music; it was about as perfect a moment as I could ever imagine.
The last note from the guitar was still vibrating in the air as we looked at each other. He had that look in his eyes again, the one I couldn't decipher, the one that made my pulse beat faster and made it hard to catch my breath.
"Hey you two!" Hugh hollered from the back door. "Food's ready and there won't be anything left if ya don't come in now."
If I'd had a rock, I would have happily hurled it at Hugh's head. Looking over, I could see that James was carefully setting down his guitar, so I slowly got to my feet and we walked in to grab a plate.
The food was decimated in no time flat, and since it was now dark, we headed outside to start the bonfire. Blankets were laid out and James and Hugh grabbed their guitars. I sat down next to Melissa and peripherally noticed one of the guys who'd tried chatting me up earlier, determinedly making his way over. Before he could lay claim to the empty spot on my left, Jamie dropped down beside me. I pretended not to notice the guy glare at James and then walk off to find another place to sit.
"Thank you," I murmured closed to Jamie's ear.
"Yer my people, I've gotta look out for ya."
I laughed at that and for a moment, I threw caution to the wind and laid my head on his shoulder. He rested his head against mine, and for a little while, we sat like that in silence, just watching the flames of the bonfire grow bigger. Eventually though someone shouted for some music, and we broke apart as James reached behind him and pulled out his guitar. Hugh grabbed his as well and requests were thrown out as the boys tried to accommodate them the best they could while the group sang along.
Everyone had just finished an off-key but enthusiastic Hotel California, when Lars requested I sing. I tried to back out of it, but Lars and the others were immediately insistent, and I watched as Hugh's guitar made its way around the circle to me. Realizing I had no choice, I started strumming the intro to Ain't No Sunshine, and the group quieted down as I started in on the lyrics, giving it a bluesy vibe.
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
It's not warm when he's away.
Ain't no sunshine when he's gone
And he's always gone too long
Anytime he goes away.
I changed the lyrics so that the subject of the song was from a woman's perspective, and I suspected that Mel sitting next to me would quickly realize the song and lyrics had been intentional choices. Any time I sang a song with James in mind, I felt like maybe the words and melody would somehow seep into his brain, make him see that I was more than just his best friend, but also the girl who loved him. I revealed my heart to him through music, my feelings woven through every note and every word. By the time I plucked the last note on the guitar, I felt so exposed, I was afraid the smallest slip would give me away. Fortunately, no one seemed to notice as the whole bonfire group broke into loud applause and cheers. Masking my vulnerability as shyness, I ducked my head away so no one could read the real emotions in my eyes.
"Damn Lei, that was fuckin' awesome." Hugh was grinning in admiration as I passed his guitar back around to him.
"See"—Lars was smiling smugly—"I told ya."
"You were so amazing!" Mel wrapped an arm around my shoulder and pulled me in for a hug. "Need a moment?" she whispered into my ear.
All I could do was nod gratefully.
Mel hopped up and pulled me with her, announcing cheerfully, "We're gonna go get more beers, we'll be right back."
Linking an arm through mine, we walked into the house casually. But once we were inside, she pulled me into the kitchen and out of view from anyone outside. I leaned against the counter while she stood looking at me, her eyes sympathetic.
"You sang that so beautifully, so heartfelt...guess yer really and truly in love with him huh?"
I shot her a look before answering. "What gave it away?"
With both started laughing, but the laughter was tempered with melancholy for both of us. Mel had a kind heart, and I appreciated her empathy.
"How do you do it?" she asked quietly. "Every day, loving him and never letting on? I mean, that out there was clearly a love letter, and he doesn't even know it."
Shaking my head, I shrugged offhandedly. "It's really fuckin' hard. But I'm stuck. Can't move forward, can't move back." I let out a big breath. "It's the story of my life."
Mel squeezed my arm comfortingly. "Any time you need to vent or cry or just sit and be heard, I'm here for you."
I gave her an appreciative hug and we grabbed some beers and rejoined the group, who were merrily singing along to an Elton John song. I sank down next to Jamie and he gave me a warm smile. The guys played for a little while more and then we settled into talking, laughing and drinking. Mike and Lars seemed to be making headway with the girls they'd been chatting with, and some couples disappeared out to the beach for private time. I suddenly got a chill on my back and shivered.
"You cold?" Jamie's breath was warm against my cheek.
I shivered again and nodded. "I can just go get a sweater."
I made to get up, but James put a hand on my leg to stop me. I almost shivered a third time.
"Come sit here." He patted the space in front of him between his legs. "I'll block the cold."
I knew if I questioned his motives, I'd would be going around in circles, and honestly, I was cold and there was no place I'd rather be. Scooting over and between his legs, tentatively I leaned back against him, the heat from his body enveloping me in warmth immediately. He pulled the blanket we were sitting on so that it wrapped around us both as we nestled close together. Laying my head back against his shoulder, I gave a deep sigh of complete contentment.
"Warmer?" he murmured into my ear.
All I could do was nod yes, afraid to use actual words. He gave me a gentle squeeze and then started talking quietly to Ron on his left. I loved the rumbling feel that went through his body into mine every time he spoke or laughed, it felt like we were one person. I was tempted to fall asleep, but I didn't want to miss a single fragment of this magical moment. Eventually though, my eyelids did begin to droop.
"I think Leila's fallin' asleep," Ron quietly observed.
"No I'm not," I mumbled softly.
James and Ron both chuckled, and I gave up resisting the urge to nod off as I snuggled closer into Jamie's arms.
Eventually the party broke up and I sleepily made my way into the bedroom to wash up and change. I didn't even crawl under the covers though as I laid down on the bed. At some point, I was vaguely aware of Jamie helping me to get under the blankets, and then he was sliding in next to me, and, because I was barely conscious and acting on instinct alone, I cuddled up next to the heat of his body.
"This is startin' to become a habit," he murmured teasingly against the top of my head.
"So warm..."
Letting out a sigh, he lifted his arm up and around me, pulling me against his side. I drifted back into slumber with a contented smile hovering around my lips.
~
The next day I woke up to the temperature noticeably hotter inside the house, though maybe it had to do with how I was still wrapped up in Jamie's arms from the night before. We had shifted sometime during the night, and now I was spooned up against him, my head on his shoulder while one of his arms was draped over my waist, his hand resting low on my belly and our legs tangled together. I almost groaned out loud as I felt his rigid hard-on nestled snug against my ass, rubbing enticingly against me. Squeezing my eyes tight against the pleasure radiating from the friction, slowly I eased myself out of his arms, though it killed me to do it. Quietly, I padded into the bathroom and took a shower.
Stepping out, I realized that I'd forgotten to bring in a fresh change of clothes, so wrapping the towel around myself, I assumed James was still asleep as I eased back in the room. Imagine my surprise, as I took two steps into the room only to look up to see him watching me from where he lay in the bed.
"Hi." I stopped abruptly, and I could feel my cheeks flooding with color.
"Hey." His voice sounded rough.
I wasn't sure if it was a trick of the light, but his eyes seemed to have darkened to almost black.
"I...I forgot my clothes," I explained lamely as I turned my back to him, fumbling around in the dresser for a clean outfit.
Grabbing the stuff that I needed, I hurried back into the bathroom. Leaning against the door, my stomach was tied up in knots and my pulse was racing at that look in his eyes. Scolding myself for overreacting, I quickly got dressed and walked back out into the bedroom, a deliberately casual expression plastered on my face. He was still lying where I left him, so I ran and bounced down hard on the bed next to him.
"Jesus Leila, you have too much energy," he growled, but he was smiling up at me.
"I relaxed all day yesterday and now I'm ready to get out and do something." I grinned down at him. "Come on, it's our last day."
A shadow passed over his face. "I almost forgot that we're leavin' tomorrow."
I was unhappy with the thought as well.
"That's why we hafta get out and enjoy the day. We head home tomorrow and then—"
"And then you head back to school."
Jamie's tone and the look on his face were so miserable, I wasn't sure whether to hug him or cry. I ignored both of those impulses and instead forced a smile to my face. Impulsively, I brushed some stray hairs out of his face.
"And then I'll be back in less than two months and we'll have the entire summer to catch up."
He made a face but reluctantly got out of the bed and headed into the shower. I was tempted to lay back down in the warm space he left behind in the bed, but I forced myself to get up and go help make breakfast.
After breakfast and a clean-up of the previous night's party, the entire group headed out to see La Bufadora, a blowhole that was a well-known tourist attraction. I took a ton of pictures of all of us hamming it up, and then we perused some local shops for souvenirs of our trip. Afterwards, we were itching to get into the ocean, so we grabbed the surf boards and headed down to the beach the guys had been to the previous day. The beach was pretty busy with surfers and beach goers, but we found a spot farther down that was less crowded, and spread out for an afternoon of sunbathing and swimming. James and I shared a blanket and spent the time talking and playing in the ocean. We were both very aware of our time coming to end in a couple days, and we wanted spend as much of it together as possible.
Eventually the lengthening shadows indicated the late hour, and we piled all our stuff and ourselves into the van and headed back to the house. Since it was our last night, we decided to drive into town for dinner and then find something to do. There was a flurry of activity as everyone jostled for shower time and primping for the night out. I decided to not go quite as all out sex goddess as I had a couple nights earlier, but I picked out a pretty sundress in turquoise, that made my eyes stand out and showed off the deep tan I'd developed on the trip. I pulled half my hair up and Mel added a small amount of eye make-up and a light pink on my lips, and I was good to go. I got the wolf whistles from the guys, but this time I laughed back at them instead of getting embarrassed.
Jamie gave me a warm smile. "You look nice."
I was floored. I couldn't remember him ever commenting on what I wore or how I looked. I tried to downplay the significance, certain he was just being polite.
"Thanks," I said shyly.
"Come on mother fuckin' party people, we've got beers to drink and women to sleep with!" Lars shouted from the front door.
James and I looked at each other and rolled our eyes at the same time, causing us both to laugh as we headed out to the van.
A short drive later and we were parking near La Primera, the main street where most of the clubs and restaurants were located. Like before, the streets were swarming with other college age kids, some looking to party, some who looked in need of a bed to pass out in. Winding our way through the chaos, we made our way to a small cantina that was recommended by Mike's aunt and uncle. After rearranging some tables, they were able to accommodate our large group, and we sat down to a delicious meal of authentic local cuisine. I paced myself with the drinks this time, and I caught Jamie looking at me with a knowing smile on his face. I stuck my tongue out at him and he grinned wide at my sass.
After the meal, we wandered around looking for someplace to continue our partying, and eventually stopped in front of a large club similar in size and feel as the one from a few nights earlier. Lars, Mike, Ron, and Hugh took one look at all the cute girls inside, and decided this was the spot. Heading in, almost immediately, we ran into our bonfire buddies. Lars and Mike were stoked to reacquaint themselves with the girls they'd been chatting up the previous night, while we made small talk with the rest of the group.
"Don't look now," Mel muttered, "but that guy who was hitting on you hard last night, he's here and looks like he's heading over."
"Shit." I was not interested in dealing.
Mildly panicked, I looked around trying to think of how to avoid him, but he was only a handful of steps away. Suddenly Jamie was standing close, and as I looked up in surprise, he leaned down and put his lips on my neck, brushing softly against the sensitive spot just below my ear. Automatically, my arms slid up around his neck to keep from falling over, so intense was the combination of shock at his actions and pure lust at the feel of his lips on me. Vaguely I was aware that his hands were pulling me up tight against him, the softness of my breasts pressed with aching tenderness against the firmness of his chest. My head was spinning and I was in serious threat of an actual honest to goodness swoon as his lips kept nipping and kissing at my neck. I think I moaned out loud but I couldn't be certain, so loud was the pounding of my heart. All I was really conscious of, was the feel of his hands, hot on my bare back, and the softness of his lips as he trailed kisses along my jaw. Closer they came towards my mouth and I trembled with the need for him to lay his lips on mine. Instead, he reversed direction, kissing back the way he came until he was at my ear.
"I think that convinced him."
It took a moment for me to wrap my brain around what he was saying. It had all been a ruse, James had been pretending. Of course he had been.
"Sorry...didn't mean to freak you out," he continued speaking, his voice low and rough. "I just kinda went with my gut. Figured us pretendin' at prom worked so good, we could do it again."
"Yeah....yeah. Quick thinkin'," I murmured back, my throat thick with passion and tears.
We stayed still in each other's arms for a moment more.
"I think he's gone. I'm gonna grab a beer, want one?"
All I could do was nod and suddenly he was gone; I felt the separation so keenly, I was left reeling. A moment later, a hand slipped into mine and I knew it was Mel. She squeezed it tight while I struggled to keep myself together.
"That...that was unexpected." Mel looked at me uncertainly.
"It was fake. He didn't mean any of it." My voice sounded hollow to my own ears.
"Why would he..."
"To scare that guy away. Jamie thought he was bein' helpful."
"Oh. I guess it did the trick."
"Yeah, worked like a charm." I shrugged weakly. "Of course now I'm a mess. It...it just felt so real."
"From where I was standing, it sure looked real." Mel turned to look at me, her eyes alight with hope. "Maybe it was. Maybe that guy was just an excuse so he could get close."
I opened my mouth to refute her theory but Jim showed up. Plastering a smile on my face instead, it stayed there as the three of us chatted, and when James came back over with the beers. Letting the conversation flow around me, I mulled over Mel's words. I had been feeling that something was different between Jamie and me, some kind of intensity that hadn't been there before. Maybe he had wanted to kiss me. Hope flared in my chest, but immediately I stubbornly pushed it away. Taking a sip of the cold beer, I resolved to not dwell too much. I was getting good at that.
We stood and talked for a while, and then Mel insisted we go dance. Jim and James begged off, so just the two of us went out on the dance floor. We were having a good time, but the guys were far more aggressive than the previous club, and I was getting fed up with all the come-ons. One guy had been pestering me for a good five minutes and we were about to call it quits and go join the guys, when suddenly the two of them showed up. Annoying guy took one look at their pissed off expressions and beat a hasty retreat.
"Good riddance." Mel smiled as she wrapped her arms around Jim, giving him a sweet kiss.
Jamie and I stood looking at each other, and the pull was so strong to follow Mel and Jim's example, I was afraid I'd act on the impulse. Just then, the DJ decided to change up the music, and Waiting for a Girl Like You started playing over the sound system. I assumed James would roll his eyes in disgust and want to leave.
"Wanna dance?"
I wasn't sure I heard him right but I nodded anyway.
He stepped close and slipped his arms around my waist to hold me loosely as I slid my hands around his neck. Slowly we swayed in time to the song and Jamie rested his cheek against the top of my head. I closed my eyes, committing the moment to memory.
"Are ya glad you came?" His breath rustled my hair and tickled my ear.
"I can't imagine bein' anywhere else." I sighed. "I've had the best time."
"So bar fights and bed hog roommates haven't ruined the trip for you?"
I could hear the teasing in his voice.
"Oh I'm just fine with bar fights."
Intentionally, I left out the reference to himself.
"Hey!"
I giggled at his reaction, and he tightened his hold around my waist as if in warning.
"Ok, I'm fine with the bed hogging roommate as well," I amended cheekily. "Snoring and all."
Laughter rumbled through his chest and into mine.
We danced close the rest of the song in comfortable silence. Well as comfortable as I could be held snug in Jamie's arms.
The guys humored us for a few more songs and stayed on the dance floor. I made a point of turning up the sexiness in my moves as I swayed my hips back and forth, brushing up against James occasionally as if unintentional. If he was suspicious or uncomfortable, he didn't show it as he settled his hands on my waist while we danced. When I finally turned to face him, I was caught off guard to find him looking down at me with that same intense expression I'd seen fleetingly over the last few days. I didn't even notice that we'd stopped dancing as we just stood looking at each other. His brow furrowed and he opened his mouth to speak, but some jackass beat him to it.
"Hey gorgeous, wanna dance?"
Jamie and I both turned to look at the meathead in a frat t-shirt who'd interrupted us. He seemed pretty buzzed and his eyes darted back and forth between my face and chest as if I wouldn't notice, and as if James wasn't standing right there.
"I'm already dancin'," I pointed out the obvious.
"Yeah, but yer dancin' with the wrong guy."
He gave James an arrogant sneer, who bristled immediately. I jumped in before there was a fight. "I'm with the only guy in this place who I wanna be with."
Before I lost my nerve, I stretched up and placed a soft kiss on the lips of a very surprised Jamie, lingering for breathless moments. Before he could react, I pulled away and turned to the frat guy, giving him a smug smile.
"Not interested, move along."
He grumbled something that sounded like "bitch" under his breath before walking away. I could feel James tense up to go after him, but I grabbed his arm. He looked down at me, his face strained.
"Don't Jamie, just let him go."
After a few moments, I finally felt him relax. "I need a beer." He muttered. "Let's go."
Mel, Jim, and I followed James over to the nearest bar and ordered a round of drinks. We sipped quietly for a moment as we watched the crowd on the dance floor. I was still trying to slow down my heartbeat from the brief but deeply affecting kiss.
"We need to find you a real boyfriend Lei," Jim shouted teasingly over the music, "so James doesn't get his ass beat pretending to be yours."
Mel and I gave each other a look but neither guy noticed.
"I don't think we'll have to worry about findin' her one," Mel assured him. "Just look around, there are plenty of guys who'd only be too happy to sweep her off her feet. If any guy out there were thinkin' about asking her out, he better hurry up before some other guy beats him to it."
Jim was looking at Mel funny, and I had to keep from reacting to her not too veiled message to James. He seemed oblivious to all of it though as he drank his beer. Another favorite song of Mel's came on and she pulled Jim back out to the dance floor, leaving James and I alone.
"Why does everyone seemed determined to see you hook up with someone?" Jamie asked me frowning, his voice gruff. "Seems like it keeps comin' up in conversation. Is there something goin' on I don't know about?"
Well that was a loaded question.
"Whaddya mean?" I feigned ignorance.
"Shit, I dunno. Seems like you were pretty certain about waitin' for the right guy and not settling. Has that changed?"
He almost seemed disappointed in me, which bothered me more than it should.
"I'm not encouraging the conversations, that's on everyone else. I'm sure they're just sayin' it cuz they want to see me loved and safe and happy. Guess they figure a boyfriend would do that for me."
James' jaw tightened as he looked out unseeingly over the crowd. "Yeah...you...you deserve all of that."
Something in his tone made tears burn at the back of my eyes; like he genuinely wanted me to find love, but just not with him.
~
A few hours later we were back at the house, washed up and in bed. Sleep alluded me though. It was warm in the room and my brain was spinning with memories of the all too brief kiss and Jamie's words after. Sighing, I carefully slipped out of the bed and made my way over to the French doors that led out to the courtyard, and opened them quietly, letting in the cooler outside air. Leaning back against the door frame, I looked out at the distant mountains visible in the faint glow of the moon. I was sorry to be leaving the next day, but if I was honest with myself, I needed a break from the emotional roller coaster.
"Hey, you ok?" James padded over quietly, his voice scratchy from sleep as he rubbed his eyes tiredly.
"Yeah...just gettin' a little fresh air."
I watched as he came over and leaned against the opposite side of the door frame, his face hidden in shadow. We were quiet for a while, but I could sense him looking at me. Finally he broke the silence.
"What's goin' on with you lately? You seem...I dunno...melancholy or something; I guess that's the word I'd use. Is everything goin' ok at school?"
I scrambled for some reasonable explanation.
"So...so much has changed from just a year ago." I sighed. "Graduation, movin' to Berkeley, the band. It feels like time is speedin' up, but I just wish things would just slow down long enough for me to catch my breath."
He turned his head to look out at the mountains and his voice was soft and wistful. "Yeah, it has been a crazy fuckin' year. Feels like a lifetime ago we were makin' plans for the future and now we're livin' in it." He paused for a second and looked back at me. "Even though all this stuff is goin' on, some of it scary as hell and some exciting, are you...are you happy?"
If I lied, would he believe me?
"I dunno. I'm too busy to even think about it sometimes. School is fine, it's...it's school. Classes are mostly interesting. The social stuff gets old pretty fast. Keggers with kids passed out in the bushes...eh, not really my scene, no matter how much Kelly strong arms me into goin' out."
"She's not pressuring you into doin' things yer not comfortable with is she?"
I could hear the underlying concern in his words.
"You know me better than that, I don't have a problem telling people to fuck off. But no, she'd never pressure me like that."
"Good."
I looked up into the sky, wishing I could open up my heart and be completely honest. I settled for partial honesty instead.
"Still, sometimes I wish I could just act like a regular college kid, ya know, party it up, act a little wild, a little idiotic. I try...like the other night...but it always feels hollow, like I'm not doin' it right, like there's something I'm missing. In the end, I just end up feelin' more...alone."
The last word got caught in my throat, and I was humiliated to feel a tear run down my cheek. Before I could wipe it away, James stepped close and used a thumb to brush it gently off my face. He looked down at me for a moment before pulling me in for a hug, tucking my head under his chin as he held me against his chest.
"That's cuz yer the kind of person who can't pretend to be something that yer not. That's not you." I felt his arms tighten around me imperceptibly. "But you deserve to be happy Leila, more than anyone I know, you deserve it." His sigh ruffled the top of my head. "I want that for you, and I wish I could just snap my fingers and make it happen."
If only he knew.
"I wish you could too."
He held me for a long time as we stood in the doorway, gazing out at the moon drenched landscape.
"Jamie?"
"Hmmmm?"
"Do you think that we're the kinda people who aren't capable of bein' truly happy?"
I half expected him to make some sarcastic comeback, but he was quiet for a moment instead.
"I wonder about that all the time. I wanna be happy. I can see it's what keeps people pushin' through all the crap...knowin' that at some point, they'll find that thing that makes them feel whole." He hesitated for a moment. "Seems though that half the battle is figuring what that thing is."
He was quiet for a moment, so I prompted him to finish his statement. "What's the other half?"
He shrugged.
"Figuring out how to get it." I felt him let out a long breath before adding quietly, "Or decidin' if yer worthy of it."
I assumed he was talking about his musical career and I hugged him tighter to soothe his fears.
"Jamie, I know yer gonna be successful. You deserve it and yer too talented and driven not to be."
"What, with music? Yeah...sure."
I pulled back to look up at him but I couldn't read his face in the shadows.
"That's what you meant right, yer music? Or is there something else?"
He turned his head and I could make out his profile in the dim light. He seemed sad when finally he spoke. "There's nothin' else for me but my music, it's all I know and all I'm good at."
I tried to ignore the flash of pain that sliced through me, even as I attempted to lighten the mood.
"So when yer fronting the most successful band on the planet and sold millions of albums and sell out stadiums...will you be happy then?"
I was looking up at him and he turned to look down at me, but I still couldn't read his eyes.
"Will you be there cheerin' me on?" His voice was deeper than usual.
I smiled warmly.
"Are you kiddin' me, I'll be there cheerin' louder than anyone."
I saw a flash of teeth in the moonlight as he smiled back.
"If all of that actually happened...then yeah, I think I'd be happy."
"It will," I said softly.
A few more minutes passed in silence until Jamie broke the quiet.
"What about you Lei?" He spoke against the top of my head. "What is it that yer lookin' for? What's gonna make you happy?"
I let out a deep sigh before answering. "I'm still figuring that out."
He nodded his head.
"Fair enough."
I quirked a small smile in the dark.
"The one thing I do know though, music is essential. I'd never be happy workin' an 8 to 5 desk job."
"Oh hell no!" Jamie agreed, mock shivering in revulsion as he finally let me go.
I felt chilled by the loss of his body heat and wrapped arms myself as I leaned back against the door frame again, looking up at the moon as it began to drop behind the roofline of the house.
"You and me both were meant to live and breathe music." I could hear the wistfulness in my own words. "It's in our blood. We need it more than food."
"Or beer."
I laughed softly at that.
Jamie chuckled too before continuing, his voice turning serious. "I don't have much in this world but that's ok, cuz all I need is my music and the person who knows me best."
"I feel the same way." I hoped he couldn't see the pain in my eyes. "I don't ever wanna go without either."
He was looking at me, and even though it was darker now that the shadows had grown deeper standing in the door, I could feel the force of his gaze all the same.
"Friends till the end Leila. Isn't that what we used to say in junior high?"
"Yeah." I could barely get the words past the lump in my throat. "Friends till the end, no matter what."
"We'll always be in each other's corner. So if life gets hard, I'll be here to help you kick it in the ass. And I know that if things go south, you'll be there for me too."
I felt my breath catch at his words. Friends till the end? How could I leave him someday knowing how much he depended on me? I was true and royally fucked. Whatever choice I made, one of us was going to be devastated.