"I wanna hold you when I'm not supposed to, when I'm lying close to someone else." - Selena Gomez
Three days ago, I swore to Kaila there was nothing going on between Ian and I, and there never would be. Then a couple hours later, I got too close to kissing him. Now it's been three days since I've spoken to Ian, and Joel is supposed to come home today.
I didn't want to tell Kaila she was right that I wasn't thinking everything through, but she's my best friend and I had to. Plus, with how distraught I was, she wouldn't have let it go until I told her anyway.
Like the amazing friend she is, she didn't tell me "I told you so" until I was settled down.
"What am I going to do?" I asked Kaila the question I've been asking myself for three days now. Joel will be home in two hours and I don't know what I'm going to do. I don't think I can look him in the eye without telling him what nearly happened.
And even if I could, it still wouldn't be right. I know for a fact now that I am still in love with Ian, and, although I love Joel, it's not fair to him that I am in the middle like I am.
"Honestly, Jos," she put her hand on my shoulder, "I think you should just tell him the truth. It won't be easy, but I think you need to."
It amazes me that Kaila has never been in a long term relationship because she has given me the best relationship advice since I was 13. I don't know where I'd be without her.
So that's the plan, I guess. I tell Joel that Ian and I almost kissed and that it unraveled feelings for Ian that I managed to hide over the years. Then I pray Joel doesn't hate me.
I'll understand that we probably won't be able to stay together after this self discovery, but I don't want to lose Joel altogether. I really do love him; he's an amazing man that deserves so much.
From behind the counter at the cafe, I spotted Ian sitting on the bench at the playground. He was on playground duty by himself today, which gets to be a pretty boring task. All you have to do is make sure none of the kids get injured or do anything ridiculously stupid. With the all of two kids playing, there was even less for him to do.
Westchester was altogether dead today; it was probably because of the 15 mile per hour wind going through Miami and the rapid dropping temperatures. Even the cafe only had one middle-aged couple sitting and enjoying a cup of coffee.
Kaila followed my gaze to Ian. "You can't avoid him forever," she murmured like the voice in my head has been telling me for three days now.
It's not even like I wish I could. All I want to do right now is run to Ian and talk to him; I want everything to be the same as it was in the past, but we can't do that. Circumstances have changed.
"Just a little longer." I just need to talk to Joel and figure things out. "How has he been?"
Kaila frowned, "I think you should just wait to ask him yourself. You two have a lot to talk about."
I looked at the clock and sighed. Joel is going to be home in about an hour, and it's time to clock out so I can prep myself for this conversation.
Nothing like getting ready to greet your boyfriend with a "welcome home, I almost cheated on you because I'm in love with my ex."
I'm going to hell.
~•~
I could not stop pacing. I wouldn't even be surprised if I fell through the floor at this point because of how many times I've paced the exact same diameter over and over.
Joel's on his way over after a long drive home from Tallahassee.
The only thought repeatedly going through my mind is that I don't want to hurt him.
"Knock, knock," I heard Joel say from the other side of my bedroom door. He opened it before I responded, like he usually does.
For the first time in a week, Joel was physically standing in front of me in all of his glory.
He looked absolutely exhausted, but he was smiling at me nonetheless. However, it wasn't his usual smile, especially his smile that he usually has when he sees me for the first time after a trip. He looked nervous.
"Hey, Joel," I said softly. Could he already sense something was off? Joel came and sat by me, immediately pulling me into his tight embrace. "Are you okay?" I thought I was doing good at masking what I have had to tell him for three days.
"I have something to tell you, Jos."
Why do I feel like this conversation is not about to go the way I expected?
"I have something to tell you, too, actually," I admitted, getting it out onto the table. "You first."
Joel took in a deep breath, breaking eye contact with me to look at the floor. I took his hand in mine and squeezed it, genuinely concerned. He doesn't usually get torn up like this, especially after football trips.
"I made the team," he said.
"That's great, Joel!" I smiled, proudly, not sure why he was so distraught.
"In Michigan."
"I'm sorry, what?" Last I checked, Joel just attended like 5 different tryouts throughout Florida. I don't recall him leaving the state, and going all the way north at that.
"The coach from Michigan was at tryouts in Orlando and talked with the Florida coaches. They don't need a tight end, but Michigan does. My agent said it wouldn't be a bad move for my career."
I didn't mean to cause a scene, but it was a lot to take in. I stood up and kept my back to Joel as I tried to process everything he was telling me.
Joel is going to be moving to Michigan, the opposite side of the country, for football when I thought we had a little more time. I thought he was going to be staying in Miami for a little while longer until he was recruited for the NFL. I thought I had time.
Time never seems to be on my side.
"So you're leaving?" I mumbled, my back still to him.
"On Sunday."
I took in a deep breath before turning around to finally look at Joel again. He was still sitting in the same position with a deep frown on his face. "I'm happy for you," I assured him.
That was genuine. I'm so happy for him. Playing football professionally is his dream and he's taking a huge step toward his career. I'm utterly proud. He's going to do great things and it'll start on that semi-pro team up in Michigan.
"I'm sorry," he murmured, focusing in on his hands in his lap. "I promised I wouldn't leave you."
He did promise that when we started dating because he knew I was still hurting from Ian leaving, but I knew not to take that promise to heart. I never planned to hold it against him for leaving, and I'm not going to. This is his life and his livelihood. I wouldn't ask him to give that up under any circumstances.
"It's okay, Joel. Things happen." From my standing position in front of him, I took his hands in mine to give them another reassuring squeeze.
My words reminded me of what I needed to tell him. This is going to be even harder than I imagined.
"We... What about our relationship, though?"
"I don't know, Jos, what about our relationship? Things are different now that Ian's back, aren't they?"
I didn't expect this to hurt as much as it already is, and the breakup has yet to even begin.
I nodded. I should've let go of Joel's hands but I couldn't.
"Joel, I have something to tell you," I murmured, my heart aching as I was about to tell him what nearly happened. "Three days ago, I was hanging out with Ian...and we almost kissed. We didn't, but—" Tears we're filling my eyes; I couldn't break eye contact with Joel, I physically could not, so I was forced to watch his facial expression as I broke his heart. "But we almost did. And I wanted to kiss him. I didn't because I could never do that to you, but I wanted to, and you deserve so much better than that, Joel. I—" Joel cut me off by moving his hands so they were on top of mine on his lap. I looked from his eyes to his lap and back to his eyes.
"Please don't hate me, Joel. I don't know what I would do if you hated me."
Joel chuckled softly, sounding somewhat first. "I could never hate you, Josie. I'm hurt, I'm not going to lie, but I'm not mad and I don't hate you."
Although I was very relieved to hear him say that, the tears kept coming. When Ian came home, this is not what I expected to go down.
"But we do need to breakup." He removed his hands from mine and stood up to put some space between us. "You and Ian have so much chemistry and history that I'll never beat, and the fact I'm leaving."
I nodded sadly in agreement. I do love Joel, but no love will ever compare to the love I have for Ian.
"I'm sorry it had to end this way."
"Hey," Joel smiled, one of his real genuine smiles. "I had the best times with you, Josie Pappstein. You changed me to become the better man I am today. I'll love you forever because of that. Thank you for giving me a chance."
I was smiling now, crying a mixture of all sorts of tears: happy because I was so lucky to have met Joel and sad because I hate that I have to see him go.
"I'm glad I did. You really picked me up when I needed it."
Of course I had Kaila, Cara, and Jocey to help me through all my tough times, but Joel played a huge part and filled a vacant spot in my heart none of my friends could've. I don't know if I would be who I am today without meeting Joel and falling in love with him.
Joel pulled me in for one last amazing hug of his, hugging me tighter than he ever has before.
"I'll always love you, Joel." I may have said that one will always love their first love, but I will also always love Joel, my second love, because of how much he has done for me.
"I'll always love you, too, Jos," he whispered, still hugging me tightly.
•••
A little (a lot) emotional... I'll always have special place in my heart for Joelie, but I think we are all looking forward to what this means for Jian (I don't like that ship name; if you have something better, throw it in the comments).
Can't wait for next weeks update!! Hope everyone that celebrates it has an amazing thanksgiving!!
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- Emily