You know it's love when all you want is that other person to be happy, even if you're not part of their happiness
--Julia Roberts
~~~
As soon as I come out of my room the next morning, I spot Finnick sitting at the dining room table with Dad and Luke. He turns around and smiles at me with a mouthful of eggs.
"Good morning," he greets in a mumbled tone.
"Morning." I pull a chair next to him as I grab a plate. "What are you doing here so early?"
Finnick holds up a finger as he quickly chews his food. He finally swallows and takes a deep breath before exhaling loudly. "So I have this idea. What do you think of going to our little oasis for the day?"
My hand holding a piece of toast stops midair and slowly falls to the table. To our oasis? That means we'll have to swim and pretty far too. I haven't gone in the water or remotely close to it since that night I drowned.
"Only if you want to," Finnick clarifies quickly when he sees my hesitation.
I shake my head. "No, I want to go," I assure him. I really do. I think it's time I go back. Plus Finnick and I need a day to ourselves.
"You sure?" Finnick asks. He's looking at me carefully.
I reach out and grab his hand in mine. "I trust you."
Finnick smiles and turns to look at my dad who was watching the scene curiously. "Mr. Cresta can I take Annie out for the day?"
Dad nods with a smile that causes wrinkles to form in the corner of his eyes. "She's all yours."
Finnick and I prepare a couple of stuff for the day and then we're off. As we're walking to the beach I notice that Finnick is quieter than usual. I look at him from the corner of my eye. He's just staring ahead with his mouth pressed in a hard line. Finnick tends to get this way every time he comes back from the Capitol. I don't ask what happens and he doesn't tell me. We just stay together. But this time there seems to be something different in his expression.
"Is everything okay?" I ask. I place my hand gently on his arm.
Finnick blinks a couple of times. He looks down with a small smile. "Yeah," he answers. He takes my hand in his as we continue to walk.
We finally arrive at the beach and I begin to involuntarily slow down. I stare at the waves ebbing back and forth against the shore. I shut my eyes tightly as I force myself to breathe.
"We don't have to do this if you don't want to," Finnick reminds me gently.
"I'm fine," I assure him. I take tentative steps forward until I'm inches away from the water.
Finnick places his hand under my chin and angles it towards him. "I'll be with you the entire time," he says. Then he leans down. He touches his lips to mine and flashes me a boyish smirk. "Kiss for luck."
I laugh and shove him playfully off of me but Finnick grabs my hands so that I end up falling into his chest. "Can't help but fall for me huh?" Finnick asks with his eyebrows quirked.
"You're so corny!" I exclaim but I can't help but laugh.
"But you love me," Finnick says confidently.
I roll my eyes. "But I do," I sigh. Finnick scowls and I just flash him an innocent smile.
"Well let us go my princess," Finnick says with a little bow. "Our oasis awaits us."
Finnick takes my hand and leads me into the water. I gasp as it washes over my feet. Fear immediately grips my chest and I can feel myself beginning to hyperventilate. Roaring water, dark blue darkness, pain. Finnick squeezes my hand and brings me back to reality. My eyes fly open and I meet his emerald ones.
"You're okay," he says.
I nod, and we go further. Eventually it gets easier but I can't enjoy the swim like I did before. As we get further from shore I begin to start panicking again. The last time I was this far I was almost too far to be saved.
Finnick sees my rising panic. He holds my hands tightly and tells me to get on his back. I follow his instructions. I wrap my legs around his body and my arms around his neck. Then Finnick begins swimming effortlessly the rest of the way there.
"You know, princess, I thought I was your prince but it appears I'm just your gorgeous steed," Finnick jokes.
"No you're my adorable little seahorse," I say as I lean my chin on his shoulder and nuzzle my face into his neck.
"Adorable?" Finnick exclaims in shock. "Finnick Odair is many things: great, strong, charming, and breathtakingly handsome to name a few. But not adorable!"
"Hmm I noticed humble wasn't on that list. I wonder why..." I muse jokingly.
Finnick just laughs and looks at me from the corner of his eye. "I love you," he says. I feel my mind momentarily go blank like it always does every time Finnick says that. "And look we're here!"
Finnick runs on to the beach with me still hanging on to his back. He brings us to our favorite spot underneath the shade of the palm trees. He drops our stuff on the ground and then places me gently on the sand.
We talk and joke for awhile. Then we go for a swim. Or at least Finnick goes for a swim while I just stay in the shallows where the water only comes up to my waist. It's fun watching him swim though. I can see the power coursing through his limbs and the freedom he feels as he breaks through the water. It's mesmerizing to see.
In the afternoon we lounge in the shade of the trees. Finnick ends up falling asleep and I'm quick to follow his example. In minutes I'm falling asleep to the soothing sound of his light breathing.
The sun is beginning its descent in the sky by the time I wake up. I stretch and turn my head to see Finnick staring blankly at the sky.
Without even looking at me he asks, "Do you ever think about the future?"
The question seems kind of random, but I look up at the sky with him and think about it. I think of little glimpses of the future but nothing I plan to put into action. "Not really. It takes too much energy thinking about the present. Do you?"
Finnick shrugs next to me and sighs heavily. "I did, but I stopped. Life is just so unpredictable I stopped seeing the point."
I've definitely seen how true that can be. My life changed more than I could have ever predicted in only a couple of years.
"Actually what I said isn't completely true," I tell Finnick. "I think of the future but not really mine. I think of what Dad will be like or what Luke will be doing."
"I know what you mean," Finnick mumbles. "All I think about now is how every decision will affect people in the future."
I stare at Finnick. He looks tired. Not the usual fatigue we always feel from lack of sleep. It's something else. Something deeper. A tiredness from within that's seeping into every corner of his being. Something happened that month in the Capitol other than the usual.
"You don't have to protect everyone," I tell him.
Finnick turns his head to look at me. If eyes are truly the windows to the soul then I don't want to look through because all I see is a deep desperation. "I do if it's my fault."
"What's your fault?" I whisper.
Finnick closes his eyes and looks away. He doesn't answer my question. He just presses his lips in a tight line with a pained expression.
We lay there in silence, our fingers barely touching each other. I can feel the turmoil going on inside Finnick leaving him in waves. Eventually I can't take it anymore and I grab his hand firmly in mine.
"Finnick, what happened there?" I ask in a quiet voice.
"Nothing." Finnick pulls his hand from mine. He quickly stands up and begins busying himself with fixing our things scattered around the beach.
I sit up and watch Finnick. I look down and stare at my hands. I trust Finnick, but I can't help the feeling in my gut. Finnick lied to me and I have no idea why.
I see his hands come into my line of vision and grab my own. I look up with my eyebrows furrowed in confusion. I don't get what's happening with him.
"Annie, I'm sorry. I just have a lot on my mind lately. It's okay. I'll be okay. You will be too," Finnick says.
I shake my head. "I don't get what you're saying."
"Don't worry about it. Just kiss me."
I scan his face. He's looking at me intently with this strong need. I decide not to push Finnick on this. I just close my eyes and hold my breath as I feel his lips touch mine.
Finnick kisses me. Hungrily. Desperately. He trails kisses from my collarbone, along my neck and jawline before connecting again with my lips.
"I love you, Annie Cresta," Finnick says in a husky voice. "More than you'll ever know."
"I love you, Finnick Odair," I manage to get out before his lips collide with mine again.
By the time we get back the sun is lying low in the sky. We stay sitting on the beach for a while watching the sunset. Then we walk back home hand in hand. Not a word is said the entire time. I wish Finnick would talk. There's something about his silence that feels different. Almost heavy in a way. But Finnick doesn't say anything and I don't know what to, so it just stretches on until we arrive at my door.
"Aren't you going to come inside?" I ask Finnick. He usually stays late into the night and sometimes even stays over.
He shakes his head with a wistful expression. "No I don't think so. I need to go."
Finnick pulls me back to him and kisses me gently. "Goodbye Annie. I love you."
"I love you," I whisper. Finnick smiles at me. It's a small smile. One that doesn't quiet go up all the way. It doesn't reach his eyes which lack their usual spark.
Without another word Finnick turns around and walks home. I watch him until the darkness envelops him. My hand goes to my lips and touches them lightly. All of a sudden this unexpected sadness fills me. Finnick never says goodbye. So why did he this time?
***
The next day I can't find Finnick or the day after that. I catch glimpses of him but he always disappears before I can catch up. I finally did one day but he brushed me off kind of harshly and ran away. By the third day I think I'm beginning to understand why Finnick was acting like that was the last time he was going to see me and why he said goodbye.
I just don't understand why, and I'm just about going out of my mind trying to figure it out. I keep going over the last two days I spent with him. He seemed more off than usual after coming back.
My mind keeps trying to think of something to justify everything. Nothing makes sense but maybe...no. He couldn't. But another part of my mind is saying why not? Finnick is handsome, charming, and kind. Anyone would fall for him. Finnick always said he hates the girls in the Capitol but there has to be one decent girl there. And one month is more than enough time to fall in love.
But what about everything Finnick told me? He kept saying how much he missed me. How happy he was that he was back. How much he loved me. Was he lying? Finnick is a great actor that terrible part of my mind mentions.
"Shut up!" I scream. I moan and cover my ears with my hands. "Shut up, shut up, shut up."
"Annie? Annie what's wrong?"
I feel someone's hands cover mine and pull them gently off of me. I open my eyes and see Dad staring at me in concern.
I shake my head and close my eyes as I feel tears slide down my cheeks. "He's gone. I don't know why. He's gone. He's gone."
I'm suddenly overcome by this incredible sadness coming from inside of me. I can't breathe. I clutch my stomach tightly. I'm drowning. Why do I keep drowning?
I'm no longer aware of what's happening. All I know is the internal conflict going on inside of me. I'm fighting myself, and I'm losing. I can feel myself slipping as reality begins to distort itself. One second I'm sitting on the shore as a giant wave looms overhead the next I'm in my living room. I try to keep my thoughts straight but the longer I try the more tired I get.
I distantly hear Dad and Luke talking in the other room, but their voices sound muffled like I'm hearing them through water.
"What's wrong with her?" Luke asks.
"I'm not sure but it has something to do with Finnick," Dad answers back. At the sound of Finnick's name my heart lurches and a moan escapes my mouth. Why is he gone?
I feel weak seeing what his absence is doing to me, but I have to admit it to myself. I need Finnick. Somehow he holds me together and makes all of this a lot less terrible. Without him I feel alone.
"I'm going to go find him and hopefully get some answers," Dad says. "Can you stay with your sister for a while?"
I want to tell Dad no. He can't leave me now when I feel myself slipping. But I can't talk. All of my energy is being put into staying out of that dark place in my mind.
"Yeah of course," Luke answers. I want to scream, but it's too late. Dad is already out the door after mumbling a quick thanks.
I put my hands over my ears and squeeze my eyes tight. Just hold it together until Dad gets back. Just keep it together.
A sudden burst of pain shoots through my head right between my eyebrows, and I can't help the gasp of pain and moan that follows afterward. The memories and horrifying images are coming fast and strong now. I can feel my heartbeat begin to pick up as my breathing becomes shallow gasps.
"Annie are you okay?" Luke asks. He sounds scared.
I open my eyes a bit. He's walking closer at a slow pace, always keeping an eye on me. It's like he's approaching a wild animal. Maybe he is. I sure feel like I'm about to lose control at any moment.
I manage to shake my head. Another flash of rushing blue water fills my mind. I swear I can hear the roaring water coming closer and closer to sweep me away, to hold me in its tight grip. I see the flesh eating beetles from the arena crawling towards me like a black wave. I back up but it's no use. They're coming. They begin crawling up my skin. I yell loudly in fear as I try to push them off of me. There's too many though. They just keep crawling up and I can feel sharp stings wherever they pass.
I distinctly hear someone yelling my name through all of the chaos. "Annie! Annie stop! You're hurting yourself! Annie!"
My eyes flash open but I don't see anything. Only blue water and a black wave.